Brian,

I've been dreading this post. I knew that every year the content machine geared up over the summer and I knew the toll that must have taken. When the machine didn't start this year... I knew something was wrong.

I think its a necessary self preservation technique to insulate yourself from disappointment. Sports are cruel in the way that over-investment of your hopes, beliefs, and dreams will almost certainly end in disappointment. You're buying a lottery ticket for your soul in the hopes of one day cashing it in. I stopped buying that ticket in 2016, the moment before the snap on a 3rd and 16 play in Columbus, when I knew that Ohio State was about to win the game.

These past weeks, I've refreshed the blog looking for your name, looking for updates. I'm Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting. I'm Michael Caine in The Dark Knight rises. My hope for you is that you can get to a better place both with your family and your relationship to football. If it means you have to scale back even further I am fully supportive.

Welcome back, be good to yourself 

Love you Brian. Thanks for the update and all the amazing writing over the years, and I'm sure still to come, even if less frequently.

Brian,

Everything that needs to be said (get well, it's OK to not be OK, your community is here for you even if you need to step back fully and permanently) has been said by someone in some way or another, but for once it's good to be part of the chorus just saying "this."

And as cliche as it may be, I have to add: "It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?  But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.  But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back. Only they didn’t, because they were holding on to something…That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.”

Sending you nothing but good vibes, Brian. Thank you for the courage it took to share this. 

Brian, I join with everyone else here in wishing you well. I also extended those wishes on the many others here who have shared their own struggles in these comments. We support you all, from Brian on down.

From a practical perspective, I think you may have made a mistake I made myself. I grew up on the ten year war. I hate to say, but my entire perspective and mood for that entire year of my teenage era was often defined by the outcome of that game. The five years between wins seemed like eternity (71-76). Ah, how many here now would happily settle for one win per half decade?

I digress. When I matriculated at UM in the fall of 1980, I was in heaven. All the better to be housed in South Quad which was where the team resided then. Once in awhile you might see AC himself at a party. 
 

Then came the games in the fall of 1980. We lost two of the first three, both due to inexplicably stupid game management decisions by Bo, who for all who love him (including me) made Jim Harbaugh look like the Albert Einstein of clock management.

After the last second loss to ND where Bo called three time outs in the last drive to save ND time to rally, I was inconsolable! Furious even.

Hours later, the buses returned from South Bend. The players got off, went into the dorm and prepared for a Saturday night as college students. They had beers and went to Dooley’s or Ricks or some keg party somewhere. What they did not do was join me in mourning and wearing sack cloths and ashes.

In short, I cared more than they did.

Now, it took several years for this realization to fully sink in, but short of the occasional relapse (Kordell Stewart, 1997, 2016), I can remind myself to not take it more seriously than those involved. 
 

I think if we are honest here, JH decided in 2016 to take his level of caring down a few notches as well. I hope that was good for his health, and I might recommend you also trying this if any of the above sounds familiar.

Best wishes to you and yours. There is life outside of this that still allows you to tune in most Saturdays.

Thank you for sharing all of that with us, I know it can't be easy opening up to such a large audience. Please take all the time that you need to get your head right. As much as these games feel like they mean everything to us, it's healthy to step back and realize that they don't mean that much in the grand scheme of things. Take whatever time you need, and we will all be here whenever you have something to say. Hang in there buddy.

Brian, thanks for writing this and for all your hard work these many years. All the best to you and yours!

I've read somewhere some time ago that the word "Crisis" in Chinese translates to "a dangerous opportunity." I have never looked this up in anyway because I'm mostly afraid that it doesn't translate like that and I rather like thinking of crises in this way. 

It has helped me to change my mindset when faced with moments where I've felt in crisis, which it seems like you are bravely facing now. Life has forced upon you an opportunity to find or create a new self. There is no more important work. God speed. 

Thanks always for your great work. Thanks now for your clarity and transparency and putting priorities in their place. Godspeed.

Brian, thank you for all of your work over the years!  Best wishes to you in the future!  Most importantly, take care of yourself and your children.  We look forward to the opportunity to see you again.  Take care!

Obligatory and necessary chime in with the others here.  Been reading this blog since somewhere in the 2005 range, and have read more from Brian than probably anyone, anywhere.  Brian, you've managed to capture exactly what I've been thinking and feeling about Michigan football time, and time again better than anyone out there.

The BPONE catches up to everyone though.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you've done.  Get well, get some rest, take care of you and wish you nothing but the best.

sorry to hear, brian.

i'm a computer engineering class of '02 grad, so i've always felt like reading your writing was a look into some parallel journey. there were times i deeply envied your ability to follow your passion and asked myself what i was doing in my stupid engineering job. there were times where your job sounded like the worst thing i could imagine. i also tried to make money doing music at one point, which never got off the ground, and i found that relying on my passion for money ruined my passion in the first place. i couldn't care the right amount - everything was life or death. so. i get it. i can't imagine hitching more and more of my life to the michigan football roller coaster.

i've been ruminating over the fact that now that we're in our forties, we're starting to see the end of things. in our twenties, everything is on the upswing. everything is yet to be. everything is ascending. naturally, over time, we start to see the other side. maybe that's just the nature of things. but i suppose every end is also a beginning, even if the beginning is just a new structure made of old bricks.

hang in there, and i'm glad we'll still get to hear from you from time to time.

Dear Brian,

I’ve been here a fairly long time, and like so many others have had my Michigan fandom impacted, first by you, but then by all the others that formed up around here. 
 

I used to comment extensively on a different site and found that I grew exhausted from the effort. That was over just a couple years when the internet was young and social media didn’t exist. I can only imagine what the 17 year impact has been on you. 
 

But back to my first point about what has “formed up” here. There is your writing and analysis, there are the other contributors who have come and stayed or gone, there is the information machine that operates behind the scenes, there is the public info on the boards, then the boards as a separate thing (snark, care, community, complaining, support). You have built community and *careers*.  MGoBlog is a non-trivial thing. 
 

Mine is just another comment. Even though it is redundant, I too want to express admiration for your writing, appreciation for your honesty, and support in your struggles. No advice from me, no pity either. Just support. 
 

As I have aged and my children have matured I find I’m not as affected by the game losses as I used to be. But I care about the people more. And that goes for you too, Brian. I hope you can feel better soon. 
 

Mike

Good luck and best wishes.  Hang in there.

Dear Brian -

Thank you for many years of unique and tremendous writing - there really is nothing like it, about any sport, elsewhere. You truly have a talent.

And I'm sure I just echo what everyone else is saying: please take care. Take the time you need to get things to a good place with your family. In the end, that is what is most important.

Kudos to the MgoBlogging family.  So many people with such wonderful things to say makes me proud to be a (small) piece of this community.  I don't have anything to say on top of whats already been very eloquently said by many posters.  So, i'll keep it to a simple best wishes Brian.

Brian, I have no fucking idea if you'll see this comment but man I love you. 

I'm so sorry that things have gone off the rails for you in your personal life. I hope that you can find happiness once again. 

Sooner or later, most of us reach a point where the falcon can no longer hear the falconer.

I wish you good health, Brian. Be well.

Peace man. I have been reading your work for fifteen years. I have been amazed at the quality you and your team  consistently produce. Selfishly, I hope to be able to continue to follow you. But whatever form it takes, do what is best for you. You have earned that.

Brian, I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've faced; thank you for sharing! While this blog may be a little less without you, you are bigger than this blog and your health is far more important that the fandom of a bunch of strangers. I've greatly enjoyed reading your material for a very long time and I hope you keep writing, but what is best for you is most important. Best of luck to you!

Oh man Brian,  that was a compelling article. I am sad for you to have gone and still going through trials and tribulations. 

I have greatly appreciated what you have provided and will appreciate whatever you provide in the future, I thank you kindly for that.

I want to personally wish you nothing but the best in your future personal and professional life, may happiness abound for you good sir, be well!

The human condition man. We're all graced and burdened by it aren't we.

Be well Brian. Onward.

https://twitter.com/BrianRoemmele/status/1432366142790639618?s=20

Thanks so much for putting this out there. For many years, I've thought you were pretty exposed. And your post confirms a lot of what I suspected. I can't even imagine the grind of dealing with Michigan's abject failure in competing with OSU on the gridiron for so many years. How do you write about that year after year after year without it crushing your soul? I just shake my head.

I really hope you can rebuild your marriage and have more sanity and balance and peace in your life. Walking more, playing with your child, spending time with your wife, having more children, enjoying life, going out to dinner with friends, on and on and on. I really can't say much about whether you should or should not drink alcohol or do drugs. All I'll say is that it is nice to have all your senses working in full and not clouded in any way. I don't think it is worth going through life in a haze. Oh, and get plenty of sleep. I'm guessing you've gone on short sleep rations for too long. Lack of sleep messes with your emotions massively, among other things.

If and when you write something for the blog, great. But too many daily deadlines for you have to be crushing. Don't fall back in to that trap. On that note, sometimes good writing is enough. Obsessing and spending a ton of time to get it perfect? This is a sports blog. You're not writing novels and literature for posterity. Although maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing to do.

I truly wish you well, and will be praying for you. Thanks for the enjoyment you have given me for many, many years, first as a lurker, and since 2008 already as a member. Where have the last 15 years gone? Wow.

I unfortunately already hit every stop on your journey and am still grinding through a few of those stations. I don't wish it on you and can only hope it would be different. At least you have realized what you are facing and have taken some steps to get things sorted out, wish you the best of luck in managing it better than I have done myself. Get well sir.

Brian, thank you for coming back and making such an honest post.  I  don't think I could write what you did on a public form.  With that said, the most important part of your life needs to be you, not the blog, so I hope you can take care of things there and I certainly wish you all the best.

If I could give you bit of advice towards covering the football team is a trick I have done with myself for the last 3.5 years: I view Michigan as the Detroit Lions.  Don't get me wrong, I still get mad as hell when either lose, especially when I view the losses as coming from a self-inflicted wound.  However, when you tell yourself to have low expectations you can either range from pleasantly surprised to temporarily pissed, but either way the high or the low doesn't last long for me.  I'm not sure if you will read this, and it is not really my place to give you advice, but I don't give a crap about about academic standards at other colleges, bagmen, curses, BPONE, reffing conspiracies or recruiting anymore.  Focus on what you see on the field, have a good faith discussion about it and move on.  You might find that you'll stay a bit more neutral and the highs and lows won't tear you up as much.

Anyways, glad to have you back. I look forward to the game column when we thrash OSU this year.  

Glad to have you back, sad to hear your having been here has taken such a toll in the personal life. Good luck to you finding your way back to a new, happy normal.

Brian,

I was so excited to see your name on this post, then dissolved into tears reading the content. I can’t express the impact of your writing, especially today, nearly as well as those that have posted before me.

Be well and put yourself and your family first because in the end, nothing else matters. I’m looking forward to what you can give to the blog, but if you need to make a permanent change you’ll be leaving it in good hands.

Hey dude.  Hang in there and thanks for all the content over the years.  

Observations from a (happy) idiot:

1) If football is becoming more than entertainment and commenting/critiquing becomes truly painful, you have an obligation to yourself and people who care about you to step back.  Please.

2) You're a helluva writer.  I hope you keep it up in some capacity.  But not if it eats your soul.  The old saw, "Writing is easy. You just sit at at typewriter and bleed," might apply to you.  Please be careful.

3) There's a lot of joy in little things, everyday things.  Please allow yourself to experience them.  Like Warren Zevon said just before he died, "Enjoy every sandwich."

Sorry.  When you get old, you want to help people avoid the mistakes you've made or find the goodness you've found.  I bet mostly it just annoys people, but there's this weird compulsion in thinking maybe, MAYBE this is time I help someone.

Son of a bitch.  I was waiting and hoping you'd make your appearance on game week.  I certainly wouldn't have guessed it would be to reveal your circumstances.  I'm terribly sorry.  As a dad, I feel your pain.  I wish nothing but joy and happiness, even though I know the anvil that popped up and smacked you upside the head doesn't grant happiness for a while.  But rest assured, it will.

God bless, friend.

Wow. Bravo to Brian for having the self-awareness to write this and at least try and make some changes to improve things. This is a very articulate piece to convey some seriously complicated emotions.

My first reaction when I started listening to the pod this morning was, "man, it's great to hear Brian's voice again". Then it shifted to, "Gee, I really want to know what's going on--I can tell he's going thru something". I did not expect this, but I'm glad I got to read it. 

The reason why I keep coming to MGB is the journey with the writers/creators--the recurring jokes, the obscure references, and the personal tone--all in addition to the analytic and generally informed approach. IOW, the allure of this place to me is the approach of balancing intelligent sports analysis with humor, a general acknowledgment of the distance between us as fans and the athletes/coaches/programs, with a twist of personal touch/anecdotes. TL;DR--it strikes the right tone and balance.

In any event, this is all catharsis for me. By writing how much I love the blog, I'm just trying to convey how special this place has been, and trying to share that sentiment with Brian and Co. It's clear keeping this place going is not easy and has exacted a toll on many of the staff (past and present), but all I can say is I'll keep reading/listening/supporting.

All the best fellas   

I have had some of the best moments of my life in Michigan football, and some of the very worst. At one point, it had me as demoralized as a person can be. I think the same is true of you, at least in terms of writing. You can be proud of all of it, even if a lot of it hurts to recall or reread.

I had to learn to step away, to not live and die with it. I'm glad you are also doing so. 

It's why I never fell into BPONE; I had already learned hard lessons about letting it affect me so much. I hope you avoid BPONE in the future, too. The cynic in me makes the optimist out to be a fool, but you can make a choice to ignore the cynic and be an optimist, even against all common sense. And it works! Just as sad writing about sad football can seep into your non-football life, happy thoughts about sad football can make your non-football life happier.

I'm sure you can look up the email account I used to sign up for this thing. Send me a message if you're ever desperate enough to want to hear the boundless positivity of a guy who will still defend Borges from the worst criticisms because I feel its the right thing to do.

Just a random guy on a sports blog, but if you ever need anything, I submit my permission for you to utilize my contact information. 

Thank you for what you've done and built, I wish the best for you. Without knowing you personally I've always appreciated your insight and self-awareness, whether applied to football or elsewhere. Knowing yourself is a great starting point for change or growth. 

Enjoy the good moments big and small along the way, and look ahead to more of them when you are feeling another way. 

Welcome back, you were missed.  Do what you can, but remember your first duty is to take care of your family and yourself.  ?

Thanks for sharing this Brian.   When you are writing at your peak level of interest and passion, reading your blog is absolutely amazing.  If you desire it, I hope you're able to keep Michigan athletics a [healthy] passion of yours despite it contributing to the crumbling of your "bricks". If not, I hope you're able to find a new passion that gratifies at the same level Michigan used to.  I hope you're able to get to a good place soon, one step at a time if need be. When you get there, if you're writing, I'll be a reader.

Note there's an image in the news today showing a hole where a huge painted mural used to be on a brick wall in New Orleans which crumbled under hurricane Ida.  The image came to mind when I read about your bricks crumbling.  Bet your ass they're gonna repair that hole, but will the mural artist recreate the magic?

Thanks for everything Brian. Good luck and best wishes on whatever may be next.

Brian,

THANK YOU. For seventeen years, you've helped us understand everything from what a "hybrid space player" is and how to use one, to how to process victory and loss, to what it means to grow up, evolve, outgrow the person you were in college without really meaning to, spend part of your 30s feeling lost even though things mostly seem to be going well, and how to navigate the fact that your relationship with things that matter to you (sports, but not just sports) will change as you do (and as they do).

You have done with Michigan sports what great science fiction writers do with fantastic worlds: use them as a lens to help us understand the world we actually live in, and how we fit into it, and what it means, ultimately, to be human. We are drawn here by your unique ability to put a name to what so many of us feel but could not describe. By drawing us here, you have created a community, something larger than yourself. I might go further and argue that you've shaped the the entire Michigan fan community. There is generation of us for whom you have been as important to our understanding of Michigan fandom as Bob Ufer was for a generation before us. And as you are well aware (having written a column about this yourself), there is no other college football fanbase that has something like MGoBlog. That's a testament to Michigan's unique fans, to be sure, but also very much testament to your own remarkable talents. Be proud of what you have built.

Please take to heart the pages of comments this post has generated. Be there for your family, and figure out how to be a whole person again. Write when you have something to say - whether or not it's about sports - and take care of yourself. And if the answer is to retire from the blog entirely, we can only be grateful to you for this amazing thing you have created, and the way you have enriched our lives. Again, THANK YOU.