OT: The Loss of a Father
Good evening,
Throughout the years I've spent on this board, I've occasionally shared details of my life.
This morning my Dad passed away after a 14 year battle with cancer.
He was a Michigan State Trooper for 25 years and I thought it was really neat that when the funeral home came and picked up the body 2 troopers came and escorted the body back to the funeral home.
In Hokes last year My Dad and I were lucky enough to be able to attend the Miami of Ohio game with Seth. Had an absolute blast, one of my favorite memories with my dad.
How did you cope if and when you lost a parent
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:34 PM ^
God bless. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:36 PM ^
So sorry for your loss. Hold on to and cherish those memories of the good times.
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:37 PM ^
Watching my dad die of cancer - and I was with him absolutely as much as I could be, including during chemotherapy and surgeries and just to watch a movie and shoot the shit - was the hardest time of my life. Thoughts with you...
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:38 PM ^
Lost my mom a few years back . Lung Cancer . She just couldnt stop smoking .
I miss her and think of her just about every day .
I dont know that it will get easier .
Parents and siblings are about the toughest to deal with their losses .
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:44 PM ^
Sorry to hear that man
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:44 PM ^
love that picture, tragic as it is. glad you and your dad mended many (maybe not all) of the fences, and the most important ones at that.
lost mom when we were kids. i don't remember much of that. i think i was numb. lost dad 9 years, 18 days ago.
if i had advice i'd say this: losing a loved one is like getting the worst bruise you ever got. it hurts worse than you ever thought it could and it can cripple you. but slowly, the bruise gets better. you don't wince as much, then after a while you don't wince. then your limp goes away. then you don't think of the bruise first thought of every day. then you will think of it from time to time, but remember the good stuff, not how bad the bruise was.
blessings to you A.L., contact me back channels if you'd like to talk more.
xm
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:50 PM ^
I love that picture too. Absolutely love it. I was very moved that they sent the troops out. I grew up seeing the police family in action and regardless of how I feel about things, police officers in my experience treat each and every one of their comrades like family. We built my parents house 15 years ago or so and every single day someone from the police family was there pounding nails. Definitely a brotherhood.
You're such a good dude xm. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your advice.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:39 PM ^
i don't know if you read the diary i wrote a few months ago about cops in the varrio, but one point i'd mention again here: cop funerals pull at my heart like no other. they just get to me. i know you will be strong, but that will be a challenge. they start talking about 'end of watch' and that is tough.
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:45 PM ^
I lost my mom last summer, with whom I was very close, and I've always characterized it as feeling unmoored and adrift, like my anchor or center of gravity was suddenly gone. Maybe a better analogy was feeling like I had been untethered on my spacewalk and was just drifting off into the void.
I never found any particular means for coping. I just try to remind myself how lucky I was to have had her as a parent and took to heart the times she said she was proud of me. It's about the best accolade you can earn in life.
September 3rd, 2020 at 11:33 PM ^
I posted my comment before I read the others on here and referenced the same feeling of being unmoored.
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:48 PM ^
Lost my mother 4 years ago to cancer. I am able to go to 1 Michigan game a year due to where I live and she died on the weekend I was to be in Ann Arbor. I started going to Michigan games in 1997 and that is the only year I have missed since then.
My prayers are with you. I still miss her. The cancer turned her body into a shell of what it once was but her heart was still there to the end.
I want to thank your father for his service. 25 years of service is incredible. I truly appreciate his sacrifice for our safety.
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:52 PM ^
Condolences. Count your blessings though. The pain is a good thing. A reminder of the closeness you had. My dad and I are estranged and I lost my mother to opioid addiction years ago. Doubtful I'd even hear about my father's death if it happened because that side of my family stopped associating with me after marrying outside my race.
So, be thankful and cherish the memories. May he rest in peace.
September 3rd, 2020 at 8:54 PM ^
So sorry for your loss. Sounds like a great man
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:00 PM ^
Very sorry for your loss. Wish I had some words....
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:09 PM ^
Wow... so sorry. Prayers for you and your family. Thanks to your Dad for his service to our State. Can’t even imagine what it’s like to be a cop now days.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:10 PM ^
Sorry... double post. ?
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:13 PM ^
I'm very sorry for your loss, and for the battle your father and your family had to fight.
My mom passed away two years ago. One thing that helped me was talking to others, learning how much she had meant to other people, and realizing how much she was still in their lives. Gradually, that helped me recognize how much she remains in my life.
Cherish each other.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:14 PM ^
I lost my pops in April. It was certainly tough, and there are days that I still get pretty sad. The last time I saw him was about two weeks before he passed, and I had a feeling that day that it would be the our final goodbye.
We made the extremely difficult decision to put him on comfort care after his condition worsened over the ten days he spent in the hospital. Right when I left the parking lot, Luke Combs "Even Though I'm Leaving" came on the radio and I bawled my eyes out, knowing that he was telling me we made the right call, and that he loved us. But I really wish he got to meet his grandson that was born a month prior.
So sorry for your loss, my friend. Take time to grieve and solace in knowing that he is free of pain.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:17 PM ^
Sincere condolences. I have yet to lose a parent (that I know of, I still have the ones that matter).
My wife took the loss of her father very hard. Took a year or more before she got back to “normal.”
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:17 PM ^
My deepest condolences. I lost my dad( the reason I’m a Michigan fan) to prostate cancer 7 years ago. I still think about him everyday and the loss still hurts as much, I just deal with it better.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:22 PM ^
I lost my dad 21 years ago this past spring, my mom, 20 years ago this past summer.
I think about them almost every day.
Like others, I struggle with the loss.
But over these many years I have come to a realization that has helped me and I'll share with you.
Your dad and mom are still here, you see them every time you look in the mirror, every time you see yourself doing or saying something, that they did or said. Every time you think about them.
You carry them in you and in your children if you are lucky enough to have children.
I see my mom and dad in my grand children also. It is plainly obvious.
So its OK to feel loss and to miss them, but they ARE with you now and always.
Embrace their departure, talk to your mom and dad, share everything you think they would want to hear.
I still miss mom and dad, but I know where they are.
September 4th, 2020 at 12:58 AM ^
This is so true. My Dad was the smartest person I’ve ever known. Never got anything less than an A and that included a doctorate in philosophy form Yale. When he was in the last stages of cancer I wondered what I would do when he was gone. He had always been my only source for insight and advice. Once he was gone I realized he had already taught me everything I needed to know. Although there are times I would love to be able to call him and talk, I already know what he would say because we spent 40+ years talking. That is really comforting,
I now talk with my Sons like my Dad talked with me. Sometimes it’s a little odd, but I hear so much of my Dad in my oldest Son even though he is young. It’s a reminder that everything I loved about my Dad is still in my life.
September 4th, 2020 at 3:40 AM ^
Same here, my Dad was the smartest person I ever knew. But he only had a 10th grade education, because he was needed at the family business in 1935. He just had an incredible thirst for knowledge. He devoured 3 newspapers a day, & if there was a question about something, he made it a mission to find out what the answer was.
He worked in the family business to support his 4 younger brothers & sisters until he was drafted into the army in ‘45. You gain a unique perspective on things when you spend the better part of a year sleeping in foxholes in Germany, when you’re not feeling the effects of freezing, or starving, or being shot at.
He was so good to me, that I remember telling him that I will never be able to pay him back. He just told me “Sure you can, just be good to your (future) children”. He passed away 14 years ago at 86. He would have been 100 this year on 12/5.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:27 PM ^
I am so sorry to hear about your father. I lost mine over 15 years ago.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:27 PM ^
Praying for you and your family.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:45 PM ^
Logged in just to give genuine condolences. I lost my dad almost 15 years ago now. More recently, I lost my mom and, very unexpectedly, my brother (who was a Dr. Anderson with close connections to UM athletics but not “that” Dr. Anderson). There is no one-size-fits-all answer for how to cope, but watching Michigan football, basketball, and hockey always keeps them close in my memory and in my heart. I look forward to the day when that is possible again and I’ll keep you in my thoughts tonight. There’s no easy way to lose a loved one.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:56 PM ^
Lost my dad 8 years ago. It was somewhat sudden (early 70s), but not a surprise given his sedentary lifestyle coupled with poor eating and drinking habits. I miss him quite a bit, and am sad that he didn't get to see his grandkids grow up (which would have given him great joy).
My faith in the completed, redemptive work of Jesus Christ alone on my behalf is how I cope, as it is how I cope with all things. (Since you asked!)
Regardless of your faith (or non-faith), the best thing I could share is that I try to honor my father by being extra gentle to and considerate of my mother. They had far from a perfect marriage (things were quite strained toward the end), but he never left her in life, nor she him. Without him present, she is quite alone. And I live far away, busy with family and work. So I make a point of being much more engaged in her life, thoughts, and stories than I was before (she and I are, and have always been, just very different creatures). I know that is what he would have wanted me to do.
September 3rd, 2020 at 9:56 PM ^
That's a great memory, it's good to keep those close. I lost my stepdad who helped raise me (cancer), and my biological father a year later (also cancer)
I miss the hell out of my stepdad, even 12 years later, but especially when I'm with my mother. I always think, man, I wish he was here to be with her, they were really happy together and he died only a few years into retirement. She's spent a lot of her elderly years alone, and I try to be around as much as I can. So all I can say is try to be there for those in your family, for each other, who now have this hole in their lives.
But at the same time, this is the most inevitable thing in life. It's good to think on your own mortality and of those around you (not too vocally!) to make the most of your time here
Take good care!
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:01 PM ^
God bless you and your family
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:01 PM ^
I feel for you in losing your dad to cancer, DarkerBlue. I lost mine 9 years ago this December just shortly before Christmas---he too died after a long battle (~18 years), with prostrate cancer.
I wasn't particularly close with Dad until his last half-dozen years, about the time my marriage ran aground. I think my pain and despair and the fact that I finally opened up emotionally with him is what made us much closer. Up until then I respected him as a strict disciplinarian father but I was always much closer to Mom emotionally.
By the time Dad went into hospice care over his last several months I had pretty much come to grips with the fact we were about to lose him, but it still hurt so very bad at first. Like others have said already, time eases the pain, but it also gives you comfort through the memories you're always going to cherish. Hold those memories close to your heart.
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:02 PM ^
I’m sorry for your loss. God bless.
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:02 PM ^
Sorry, double post.
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:03 PM ^
I lost my dad about two weeks into the shelter in place order. Because of the timing of everything, I still haven't started coping with it yet.
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:07 PM ^
my mother passed away (from cancer) about 6 months ago... I do miss my mom and always will, but have countless great memories with her...and that helps... that, and 'time' is about the only effective healer
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:14 PM ^
Sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad almost 9 years ago. Yeah as we age it is a big loss losing your parents.
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:15 PM ^
My condolences. I lost my dad to suicide a little over 3 years ago. He just turned 80 and was struggling with dementia and some other things. I had a hard time with the suddenness of it. Try to remember the good times and don't be afraid to reach out for help. It does get better with time.
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:16 PM ^
Sorry for your loss Darker Blue. I appreciate your posts here and my only advice is keep being you.
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:20 PM ^
Sorry to hear this, it's tough on everyone when you lose a parent. I lost my dad 6 years ago, and my mom just back in Feb. There's nothing anyone can do to help you get through it, except to listen - if talking it through is what you need. If you can't talk about it, nobody can do anything. It's just one of those things that you just need to process in whatever way you process things.
You'll get through it - we all do, eventually. But you'll never forget them, so don't worry about that one bit.
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:30 PM ^
Sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It's not a good time for you.
My dad passed away in 1995. He was only 65. I don't know if you really can cope with the death of a close family member. It just is.
I miss him. I think about him at least once every day.
Best I can tell you is to remember the good times you had with him. If you have kids, tell them about the good times you had with your dad when you were young. If you have grand kids some day, tell them about your dad too.
Keep your memories of him alive in your mind.
September 3rd, 2020 at 10:47 PM ^
My condolences.
There is no good solution when you realize you won't be able to have another conversation with your parent. It is a big loss and time does help, but there still is always a hole.
My dad - now gone - would talk about this late in his life. One day, about a year before his death, he just said, out of the blue, "I want to see my mother again." It had been over 40 years since she passed.
So take care, remember all the good times, and celebrate the memories when you can (like birthdays, for example). It's hard, but it's life. And don't be shy to talk about it with people who care for you. There are some things you just need to get off your chest.
Take care, random internet friend.
September 3rd, 2020 at 11:11 PM ^
I am so sorry.
How do you cope?
It's a process wherein you gradually learn to substitute dwelling on the void their loss creates with remembering things that illustrate what a privilege it was to have them in your life in the first place.
Then you learn to recognize just how much you think and move and feel is actually their influence, and then you really understand, REALLY understand, that they can never really leave you and that they are genuinely always there. Not some pithy platitude, but for real.
Something like that.
Just writing your post is a good start.
Hang in there.
September 3rd, 2020 at 11:15 PM ^
Can’t figure out your profile pic. It looks just like NMH’s aeroplane but it is not it.
please do tell.
September 4th, 2020 at 12:52 AM ^
Lol
AJJ (Andew Jackson Jihad back then) did a cover of two headed boy, I love both bands but really loved ajj back then so I made the single cover my profile pic. I actually think my username was andrewjacksonjihad before changing it to darker blue.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane
September 3rd, 2020 at 11:32 PM ^
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
I lost my mother 3.5 years ago, and while some of the pain has subsided, it still feels unsettling to have lost her...a feeling of being unmoored.
May your father's memory be for a blessing.
September 3rd, 2020 at 11:39 PM ^
Well dang. This struck a chord with me today. My advice would be to remember. Talk about those memories with your family. Tell stories to your kids.
Forgive my ramblings, its more for me than for you.
I don't think I will ever "get over" Dad not being around. I lost my Dad a 7 years back after a 10 year fight with cancer. He went in for some dental work and they sent him for a routine check-up before they would perform the work. Turns out he had late stage prostate cancer. When he got the news at 70 he was still very active, strong, flexible, and required no medications. We all thought he would be around into his 90's.
He was OK with checking out, but went through Chemo, etc. so he could stick around for Mom. Once he was too far gone he volunteered for every trial he could get into. He wanted to support the medical community learning as much as they could. Most of these trials would stall the cancer for 3-4 months, and then not work anymore, however, you still had to take the medications in perpetuity. Towards the end he was taking fistfuls of meds a few times a day. No why me, never a complaint, just thanks for helping out, good to see you.
It would not be possible to forget him. He passed along standards for work (hard and honest), family (always comes first), and passions for leisure (outdoors, fishing, and gardening). If someone needs help, you give it.
It would be pretty cool to be known for one thing after you are gone. Dad was well known for at least three.
Dad was a talented and particular brick, block, and stone mason. His stone fireplace work was always in high demand. He never advertised, just word of mouth. All the kids, including my older sister, carried hod, mixed mud, and set up scaffolding at some point. The job wasn't done until there was no trace we had been there. I live 30 miles from my hometown, but I look a lot like my Dad. I will have people stop me out of the blue and ask if I am related to my Dad and then tell me he built their house, fireplace, etc. and what an amazing job he did, etc.
From 8-16 years old I went fishing every weekend Ohio would allow across 3/4 of the seasons (Ice fishing never took with me). Dad was very well known in our area as an expert Crappie fisherman. When I was a little older I noticed that we would see some of the same folks as we moved from location to location. It took me a bit to realize they were following us. Dad didn't care. He could drop into a hole after they had fished it and pull out the ones they could not. He took us kids out. He took his father and father-in-law out. He took a number of local kids out. He took out multiple kids with disabilities and put them on fish. It was hard to tell who was happier about the whole deal, the kids, their parents, or Dad. He had a regular route of widows he would drop off fish for.
If you came to my Dad's house, you got a grand tour of the garden. This was not negotiable, there were no exceptions. You didn't realize you were on a tour until it was too late. This could be a bit awkward if you were just out to read the gas meter. :-) Our "garden" was approx 2 acres when I was a kid. At 70 he still kept about 1/4 acre. At one time or another we grew about everything; potatoes, sweet potatoes, radish, horseradish, beets, turnips, green beans, peas, carrots, squash, pumpkins, melon, watermelon, zucchini, strawberry, blackberry, raspberry, peppers, tomatoes, onions, cucumbers, cabbage, cauliflower, asparagus, broccoli, lettuce, endive, arugula, spinach, sweet corn, herbs of all sorts, and I am not joking at all ... sugar cane (molasses) and popcorn. We had a few apple trees, pears, cherry tree, and elderberry. I will have to ask Mom, but I swear he tried to grow a peach tree at one time. Needless to say, people stopped by to ask him gardening questions. He had a regular route of widows he would drop off produce for. My neighbor gets a kick out of noticing myself and my wife each taking at least one trip a day to inspect our garden (rain or shine). On many days, multiple trips. Our garden is an *ahem*, very substantial 12 ft x 12 ft. I maintain strawberry plants that were transplanted from my Dad's garden. They have spawned 9 (and soon to be 10) more strawberry patches.
My Dad was a straight arrow, but it is amusing to look back and realize he was more hippy than most hippies. Everything had multiple uses, so nothing got tossed. He would routinely put together a bunch of disparate cast-offs and junk and make something useful out of it. We had rain barrels. We had bins and bins of compost. Dad's garden was nearly 8" higher than the lawn due to the layers of "black gold". No chemicals in the garden. No chemicals on the lawn (he pulled weeds in the lawn with a claw hammer). We had an apple cider press. He tapped the maple trees and made syrup. We harvested walnuts. He made wine. We canned everything.
I have many good memories of my Dad.
September 3rd, 2020 at 11:49 PM ^
My deepest condolences, Darker Blue.
I haven't yet known this exact pain, but I know it's coming soon.
Godspeed to your dad.
September 3rd, 2020 at 11:50 PM ^
Lost my Dad 44 years ago and my mom 41 years ago. I think about them every day. Don’t weep, but feel both sad and happy as the memories wash over me. Now I’m the old man and I try to build memories for my children and grandchildren so they will remember me with the love that floods me when I daily remember my folks.
September 3rd, 2020 at 11:54 PM ^
I lost my folks within 11 months of each other.
Really sorry for your loss.
Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning." really helped me a lot.
September 4th, 2020 at 12:17 AM ^
Very sorry for your loss Darker Blue. Sounds like you had a very good relationship with your Dad and was a very good man that served and protected the public. Thank you, him, and your family for his service.
I can't imagine what it was like for him or you to deal with battling cancer for 14 years, and I am also very sorry for that. I will share with you my Dad and I were uniquely close. He was my guy, and my best man in my wedding. He served in the Air Corp in WWII and he passed about 6 years ago. While I miss him, I feel he is still with me and even I am glad to say, my kids. We still talk about him with love. We are visiting my oldest daughter in Washington state and today I was touched to see a picture of my Dad and her on his last birthday, about 6 weeks before he passed.
Your Dad must have been a man of great courage. I sincerely trust and believe some of his courage will always be with you. I sincerely hope and trust his memory, spirit, and courage will be always be with you. Deepest Condolences Brother. Peace be with you.
September 4th, 2020 at 12:17 AM ^
Sorry, double post. Out of practice.