What Are Your Favorite "Sayings" - Wisdom, Humor, One-liners, etc

Go Staee!

"When something is easy, anyone can do it. When things get hard, that's when you show people who you really are." -Heard that from my Dad all the time when I was geowing, and I think I got sick of hearing him say it. But it definitely rings true. 

"Never judge yourself by the amount of money you make. There can only be one richest person in the world, so if that's your baseline for success, you are bound for disappointment." 

"Stop worrying about what others think of you. The only thing that matters is what you think of you." This is admittedly the hardest one to live up to, because we all want validation from our peers. We crave approval by our very nature. I fail to live up to this on a consistent basis, but its something that I constantly try to remind myself of. 

Lastly, pretty much anything Winston Churchill has ever said. The sheer amount of balls that man had to lead Britain through WWII is nothing short of remarkable. One of the great leaders of the modern era. 

Treat a princess like a whore, and a whore like a princess.

Science can tell us how to build a nuclear bomb, but it can't tell us whether we should.

-Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park

He who farts in church sits in his own pew.

"While it's always best to believe in oneself, a little help from others can be a great blessing." 

-Uncle Iroh

Get off my lawn!

If you aren't falling -  you aren't trying.

I have to return some videotapes.

Fuck off, fuck you, go fuck yourself.  Pretty much any variation of that.

“If it was up your ass you’d know!”

example:

wife: “Where’s the remote control for the tv?”

me: “If it were up your ass you’d know!”

Now...OBVIOUSLY you really need to calculate said wife’s mood before you pull out this dandy. It has definitely backfired, as one might imagine. 
 

"Lottery in June, corn be heavy soon."

"Don't spend time worrying about what you can't control."  Or, the corollary..."You can't control what is done or said to you, but you can control how you respond to it."

Heard it about 25 years ago.  Has become a key tenet for me;  good thing to remember in times like this.

“My grandfather once told me there are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit.  He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less competition there.” —Indira Gandhi

What did I do last night?

Wish in one hand; shit in the other. See which fills up first. 

To paraphrase and update a Thoreau statement for today's world:

We do not surf on the internet; it surfs upon us.

If you are a 1 in a million talent, in China there are 1,000 of you. 

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

-Hunter S. Thompson

one of my dad's sayings when we were watching too much tv "get outside and blow the stink off of ya!"

kind of appropriate for these times

Because I couldn't go for three.

Two lines from the Critic have always stuck in my mind. 

I have no one to envy. I envy you having me to envy.

Another, which I think when I am on social media:

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand time.... who are all you people?

My favorite all-time quote comes from CS Lewis:

Aristotle said that some people were only fit to be slaves. I do not contradict him. But I reject slavery because I see no men fit to be masters.

I've taken it from LtCol Frank Slade:

When in doubt...fuck.  

What about M.E.: My Enjoyment?

-Homer Simpson

When I'm slinging barbecue and cracking wise to the customers and I make a particularly smart aleck comment resulting in a look of shock that I just said what I said, I may then follow up with:

A smart ass is better than a dumb ass!

When the Q is so good and the line is so long, you can say about anything you want, they just want that brisket! And they always return for some good humor badgering!

When I'm slinging barbecue and cracking wise to the customers and I make a particularly smart aleck comment resulting in a look of shock that I just said what I said, I may then follow up with:

A smart ass is better than a dumb ass!

When the Q is so good and the line is so long, you can say about anything you want, they just want that brisket! And they always return for some good-humored badgering!

"The sun shines on a dog's ass, some days."

"Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good." 

"It is what it is."

"Never get involved in a land war in Asia."

"Lions don't concern themselves over the opinions of sheep."

That'll do pig.

I tell my kids one version or another of the following:

Bored people are boring. 
 

live your life in such a way that you will not regret tomorrow the chances you dont take today. 
 

When you set out on a course of revenge bring two shovels - that’s Confucius

Hatred, jealousy, and bitterness don’t harm the people they’re directed at  but they do harm the person who feels those emotions  

There are lots of smart people in the world but very few who can work hard at something, especially if the reward for that hard work isn’t immediate  

i Also tell them that the best people double post all the time

Pretty much anything from the late Yogi Berra.  But I'll take this:

"Predictions are tough, especially about the future."

The best buzzes come in boxes.

Self circa 1998 - I was big into Franzia at the time.

"Never miss a good chance to shut up." - Will Rogers

Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it.

Hegel is one of my least favorite philosophers, some of the things he said are just ... eeeehhh. But I have to give him credit for this gem:

"What we learn from history is that we never learn from history."

- On losing weight and sticking to a diet: "I'm trying to get down to my original weight.....8 lbs. 2 oz."

- On keeping your chin up when times are tough:  "Let this be the worst"

- Advice for new, especially sleepless parents (this is quite helpful for parents of multiples): "If they are clean, fed, and healthy....it won't hurt them to cry a while"

- Teaching youngsters about profanity, especially in movie dialogue: "Profanity is a sign of a lazy or poor vocabulary"

- Dealing with disappointment: "So far..."

- Reflections on why people do/say things that bother you: "Be kind, because you never know what others are going through right now..."

Interesting topic. I probably have about 10-15 more that I use often, incl. "The Team, The Team, The Team"....should ask my kids....

Yogi Berra said it best, "If the people don't want to come, there's no way you are going to stop them"

On humor: Man who walks through turn style sideways: Going to Bangkok. 

On leadership: The buck stops here. 

On current leadership: As useless as a rubber crutch in a polio ward. 

On mood: As nervous as a three-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

On hard work: Busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

And on current events: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference; the song "Paz en la Tormenta" (Peace in the Storm); and, also, "this too shall pass".

I've always liked "we'll burn that bridge when we get there."

Hanlon's Razor:

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by incompetence.

Trust the law of canceling errors