Violence Inherent in the System
Please forgive me for not posting this as a diary, but this is my last post - ever, and I believe it may be beneficial for my fellow Wolverines as a post.
I also wanted to wait a few days to post this and not take away from the joyful posts following the win against the Huskies.
There are two or three key life events that change your trajectory forever. For those of you who haven't seen a handful of my comments on here, this was and is my last season following college football, and it's because I've known in my heart, since very early in this season, that we were destined to win a National Championship, and that no Michigan team would ever come close to what Team 144 has given me. It's my turn to give back to my family, community, and fully invest in my life.
We were destined to win... everything. And so was I - in life.
My tenure as a shitposter on MGoBlog began around 2015 and my first in-person game was the heartbreaking "JT was short" game in the Shoe. I was graduating from Michigan that year, a true milestone as a first-gen grad, and the beginning of a healing journey that reached its capstone this year.
There are so many uncanny parallels between my realizations about my own deep un-addressed traumas and Michigan's path this year.
It began around when the Mel Tucker scandal kicked off. I shared my SA victim status during a discussion about male mental health on MGoBlog- and those kind responses from y'all gave me enough support to work through those feelings and experiences with my therapist.
I also saw the players and Harbaugh interact like a healthy father and sons - loving, kindness, and unwavering support. So much so that JJ and team would dog-walk every team they faced while smiling like golden retrievers. So much so that our players would visualize, meditate, and unselfishly serve their team to and through victory after victory.
Shortly after we beat Maryland, I told the unmentionable truth to my therapist for the first time - I was sexually assaulted by my adoptive father. For nearly 33 years, the thought of that possibility was so haunting that I ideated suicide when contemplating it as a potential fact. He was a man I regarded as a hero, and I blamed myself, labelling myself as worthless, because he was the only adult I could rely on as a child. So making him happy was paramount. Upholding the lie about his hero status was paramount. After all, he adopted me from a terrible situation.
The moment I realized the truth, my whole body began vibrating like a Home Depot paint shaker, and I vomited profusely. I was sweating from every pore in my body, liquid salt dripping into my eyes and capillaries bursting in my eyelids. I screamed and cried so hard my bruised eyes looked like I got punched for a few days after.
At first I could only feel venemous rage. Hatred and anger turned inward for not fighting back - but I was a helpless child. This feeling was (albeit only minorly parallel through the lens of justice) echoed by the media circus surrounding the ridiculous sign-stealing allegations and slander thrown at Team 144 - unjust bs that only served to make me angry - if I decided to allow it to make me angry.
But the team continued to reiterate their innocence. They continued to support each other. They continued to win, even with the NCAA forcing out their father figure for their biggest test they would face to date in Penn State - and they still. kept. winning.
I realized, to borrow from Brian's lovely writing, that as a child I was unburdened. I was joyful. I ran like there was nothing in my pockets - because there wasn't. I had nothing to my name but a spark and a smile.
My abuser saw this, and has a deep terrible wretched hole in his heart. He saw my spark and tried to rip it from my body.
But like I discovered within myself, just like our beloved Wolverines... nobody can take away your joy. Nobody can take away your resolve. You can survive and thrive through an overblown "scandal," through the B1G darling Ohio State, through the dynasty that is Alabama, through the best passing offense in the NCAA via the Huskies, through the worst horrors a human being can endure.
Nobody can take your spark. Nobody can give you your spark.
You generate, cultivate, and sustain your spark all on your own.
Team 144 is the reason I'm still alive today. They are part of the reason why I will thrive in my life going forward.
The violence inherent in the system can't stop us unless we let it.
There's some lovely filth in my garden, and I'm gonna go tend to it.
Much love and blessings to you all. Go Blue! 🙏 🙌〽️
January 11th, 2024 at 12:45 PM ^
I don't know if this is the best place to put forward this information but I do end up hoping all will be well with you.
January 11th, 2024 at 12:47 PM ^
These topics are never talked about because they are difficult to hear. Maybe it isn't the best place for it, and that was a consideration... but there aren't really many places at all where these topics are "allowed."
But Michigan helped me in my life and if it can help anyone else in this community that is my aim and hope with this post.
January 11th, 2024 at 12:54 PM ^
There's no better place to be vulnerable than where you're comfortable being vulnerable. I'm glad you felt safe here.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:07 PM ^
To borrow a phrase from Don Brown, I think you are an absolute fucking dude for posting this here. Thanks so much for sharing your story and insight. 👊
January 11th, 2024 at 1:12 PM ^
Develop great relationships with local friends, family, and even a minister. Find two or three mature responsible trustworthy people that give great advice and you aren't afraid to confide in.
Online communities are great for sharing in a hobby that interests you or even passing of time but they are not ideal for building worldviews, community, or even for empathy. Sorry to say this but the people on here are strangers to you and it only takes a few strangers who are depraved to try and make your life miserable.
I am glad this team helped you through some difficult times but next season will be upon us quickly and we could win or we could lose. We could lose Jim Harbaugh and be a .500 team and lose by 50 to Ohio State. I am hoping none of this happens and I hope you are treated well here but you needs others around you who deeply care for you along with a place to escape and be able to blow off some steam.
I wish you well.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:13 PM ^
I appreciate your sharing, Dennis. I love how the mgo community is about more than sports, and also how sports help us understand ourselves and grow. I hope you rejoin us again if you find it worthwhile after you've done some garden tending. Good luck and know we care!
January 11th, 2024 at 1:17 PM ^
My heart breaks for you Dennis. I have a close friend who was molested by his uncle.
I think many people underestimate the trauma caused by such a violation, especially by a trusted and beloved family member. They don't understand how it cripples the psyche nor how much healing is required. My friend has found help in his faith in Jesus as the Healer of the brokenhearted. (I only mention it as a statement of fact that might help someone. I realize this is not a suitable space for religious debate.)
In case you haven't heard of Clark Fredericks, he went through something similar. I wish you the best as you seek restoration and healing.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:33 PM ^
Just want to echo what Mr. Elbel and bluewave720 said. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're working through it with a therapist. And I'm so, so sorry that happened to you.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:10 PM ^
Perhaps a mod could add to the title informing folks that it includes discussion about sexual assault for those not interested in, or comfortable with, this topic for whatever their reason. While it may be cathartic and supportive for some, others may not be ready to address this, or this may not be the right forum for them for myriad good reasons.
January 11th, 2024 at 12:46 PM ^
I rolled my eyes at the title, author, and start of this post, but I actually found it worthwhile to read.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:25 PM ^
if anyone else had titled their post thus, it wouldn't have made sense...
for those not in the know:
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?
January 11th, 2024 at 10:46 PM ^
At least your bit was committed; wasn't just a string of pussy jokes! Well done, nts. Michael Palin rules.
Dennis - sorry to hear what you went through. And unfortunately, I think your story is tragically not uncommon. But it sounds like you're on the right path and I commend you for that. Take care of yourself and please remember if you get any of those ideations/thoughts again, you can always call 911 or go to the emergency room. I always found that comforting.
January 11th, 2024 at 12:48 PM ^
I salute your bravery in talking about this. Take care of yourself. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Also, while it's entirely up to you, you can both follow Michigan sports and give back to people.
January 11th, 2024 at 12:50 PM ^
I don't know what to say other than thank you for your courage and vulnerability, and I'm glad you're still here!
January 11th, 2024 at 12:52 PM ^
Hey man, one SA survivor to another, I'm glad you've made it through to recovery and I'm so proud of you. Go blue.
January 11th, 2024 at 12:54 PM ^
Thanks, man. Same to you. 〽️
January 11th, 2024 at 12:54 PM ^
Godspeed, Dennis. Know that your fellow Michigan alumni will always have your back. Please do not ever hesitate to take whatever healthy route you need to deal with your traumas and pains. You will get better. Forever and always, Go Blue.
January 11th, 2024 at 12:55 PM ^
Thank you so much for sharing. It is very cool to hear about how something as ultimately meaningless as sports could make a real difference in helping you deal with and get through something so difficult, and I'm sure sharing this will also help someone else who is going through something similar.
January 11th, 2024 at 12:56 PM ^
Thanks for the bravery in sharing this. I sincerely wish you the best in life! GO BLUE!
January 11th, 2024 at 12:59 PM ^
You are showing great strength and courage in sharing this, your vulnerability is to be commended. This will carry you forward. You show great understanding of your SELF, and your steps forward will be blessed. Make and take time for yourself. Much love back to you. Go Blue!
January 11th, 2024 at 12:59 PM ^
This championship run has been amazing for many of us personally, and sports can provide great catharsis, and clearly it has for you. But nothing is more important than the path of healing and self-recovery you have courageously taken the first steps towards. I'm very glad this crazy little online space has been a place of comfort for you. Take care of yourself, brother.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:00 PM ^
Wishing for the best for you Dennis.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:01 PM ^
Trauma and the shame it produces - and our reaction to that shame - are very powerful things. Shit posting, rebelliousness, chip on the shoulder, narcissism, and many other extremely negative related behaviors result from unhealed trauma and unresolved toxic shame. Someone doesn't just wake up and become an alcoholic or druggie, someone doesn't just randomly decide one day to be a bitter asshole to everyone. There is a reason for all of those behaviors.
Sadly, the feeling of confronting that toxic shame is so great that people will do anything to avoid it, and all of those negative behaviors are the result, up to and including taking the lives of others, and sometimes their own. Dealing with all that stuff is the hardest thing to do, which is why most people don't. I'm glad you were able to do so Dennis. I know it's a process and a journey, I pray that you continue down the path of truth and healing.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:08 PM ^
The toughest part, particularly for childhood abuse, is that holding your parent accountable would mean you're literally alone as a child. Evolutionarily speaking, blaming yourself is how you survive as a kid.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:01 PM ^
Thanks for sharing. This was a moving post.
But there is no way this is your last season following college football.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:04 PM ^
I will continue to be a fan from afar, but won't be regularly tuning into games, etc.
Won't be the same after Team 144.
January 12th, 2024 at 12:04 AM ^
Cmon brother one more time. We can do it again.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:03 PM ^
I don't have any experiences to compare, but I hear ya. Too many of my friends carry trauma.
It's not at all the same thing, but what Team 144 went through, it comes from the same dark place. If you're the type of slimeball to look at these dorks and think, "They must go down," I don't think I want you around kids. Yet many, a downright disturbing number of people, thought just that.
From Burgergate to the tunnel attack to all the sign-stealing media nonsense to the last-minute suspension, a lot of bad people put their grubby fingers on the very institutions they ostensibly safeguard to openly and brazenly sabotage a team that, while not perfect, was trying to win the right way.
How do you look at raw footage of a mob assault and say "both sides"? How do you look at a team led by a meditating hippie and a guy who ships a truck full of toys to sick kids and go "CHEATERRZZ"? What level of psychopathy does it take to see Sainristil pull McBurrows in front of your camera to celebrate his overcoming adversity and say the latter was involved in "that Tunnel Incident" and not once use the V(ictim) word? You can do these things only if you're a miserable, ruined, hollowed-out husk of a Gollum that rages and spews venom and invents disgusting lies about at anyone who isn't as morally compromised as yourself.
Sports isn't life, or at least shouldn't be. Way too many people put way too much importance on it. But this team is special. This wasn't just, People in Blue Shirts played game more gooder than People in Red Shirts (and eventually Purple Shirts), yay. We all witnessed the worst of the sports world slither into the open and put their finger on the scale, time and again, for the worst reasons imaginable -- namely, to defend a status quo that showers the wrong people with money they didn't earn. For once, they failed.
It doesn't fix things, but for a moment at least, boy does it feel good.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:31 PM ^
What is life anyway, but a fleating series of experiences strung together in what we call consciousness? It's complicated and hard to understand. I figure a team of college kids coming together as a symbol of what is good about life and accomplishing their goal in inspiring fashion is about just as meaningful and significant as anything else. I was less ecstatic about the victory than I thought I would be. I think I was more . . . satisfied, calm, and just felt a deep gratitude and appreciation for this journey. As Harbaugh said (paraphrasing), I hope to have a future, but we talk too much about the future and what's gonna happen. Enjoy the now and struggles that lead you there. Go Blue!
January 11th, 2024 at 2:30 PM ^
What a thing, to realize that all your life, all you know, all you love, all you hate, all your memory, all your pain, it was all the same thing. It was all the same dream. A dream about being... a person.
January 11th, 2024 at 5:22 PM ^
Can’t beat the Rust Cohle quotes. Hopefully this new season coming out in a couple days holds a candle to the first
Also- thanks for sharing Dennis. Stay strong and we’ll always have Team 144
January 11th, 2024 at 1:05 PM ^
Good luck friend. I have known someone in a similar situation and it is very difficult of course. Thank you for sharing this and I wish you all the best in your healing.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:07 PM ^
Love you Dennis ❤️
January 11th, 2024 at 1:13 PM ^
Glad you’re able to see a new found light after the darkest of times, Dennis. Certainly would never wish this upon enemies but you seem like a man strong to keep fighting those past events.
Team 144 has brought the entire fan base together out from a tough time. To which, you, myself and others use UM as an escape. A new found sense of family just from fan to fan alone has been moving in of itself. People will always have your back just like team 144
January 11th, 2024 at 1:14 PM ^
That's heavy man. Everyone deals with a lot of shit outside of our passion for Michigan football, but most of us haven't had that level of shit. I find the blog and of course Michigan football, the ultimate distraction from the grind of life. It's kind of like a dysfunctional family (I say that lovingly) around here. I wish you the absolute best in your journey toward healing. If you change your mind, you know where we will all be.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:16 PM ^
Amen.
Love yourself. Hold your head high.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:22 PM ^
I'm a member of a 12-step program. One of the things it promises us is that: "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experiences benefit others."
The only way those experiences benefit others is if I share them--and I have to get past my own shame and judgement to do that. Looks like you are well on your way. Love and peace to you.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:23 PM ^
Take care brother. Go Blue!
January 11th, 2024 at 1:27 PM ^
Anonymous or not, posting this took a metric shit-ton of courage to do and I really hope it helped some of the healing process. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did, I cannot even imagine the burden you must carry.
Maybe you'll pop back in from time to time sometime in the future. No worries if you're not following college football anymore, we'll be happy to get you back up to speed on anything you might have missed!
January 11th, 2024 at 1:31 PM ^
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through but am glad you’re coming to terms and speaking up. Keep working at it and remember, this is not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head high and carry on.
January 11th, 2024 at 1:48 PM ^
Thanks.
I find the more self-aware I become, the more I see how
non-sexual physical abuse incurred as a child formed my reactions to life.
For me, LONG process, still ongoing, as one UM friend told me recently "You are still in your formative year.,"
Wayne Dyer said it is not the wake that steers the boat.
Abuse of underage males is a hidden story. The predators know how to make the victim feel responsible and wrong and in trouble if they tell anyone.
Support groups saved, and continue to save, my life. Therapy also helped. Ask Donovan Edwards.
I will once again quote C.S.Lewis "Constantly looking at reality is unbearable."
Team #144 is absolutely unique and unrepeatable, teaching me, once again, we are here to serve others. As other comments on this thread, and others over the years, life happens for all of us and this is my # rest stop.
I spent years trying to be ecstatic 24/7 doing exactly what I wanted to do. This resulted in depression with suicidal ideation.
I had to do it to believe it but using our God given talents to help others, being of service, results in true self-esteem and, at least, occasional happiness.
You are not alone. Your recovery can inspire others who are on the same road.
You will be find exactly what you need to get through each day - one day at a time.
God bless you on your journey!
January 11th, 2024 at 1:49 PM ^
I don't have time to write my full thoughts but this is one of the most thoughtful, vulnerable and uplifting things I have ever read.
I have been lucky in my life and all of the important people in my life have been wonderful people that only ever loved and supported me - this is my true blessing from God.
I recently had a positive experience (in addition to my our beloved Team 144) that has given me a positive outlook in life and a thought that I will refuse to allow outside people to take away the joy and love of life, family and friends.
January 11th, 2024 at 2:04 PM ^
First, I'm proud of you. You've done a lot of hard work confronting your demons, and nobody can take the growth from that away.
Second, I'm sorry that happened and I hope you continue to heal. Dealing with trauma, especially repeated trauma, is the most difficult part of being alive in my experience.
January 11th, 2024 at 2:06 PM ^
I was mulling Monty Python responses until actually reading. In place of that, God bless and enjoy whatever the future holds.
January 11th, 2024 at 2:10 PM ^
Keeping you in my prayers, it brings tears to my eyes to know what Team 144 has done for you. We are so blessed to have had them as our team
January 11th, 2024 at 2:43 PM ^
God bless you, I wish you all the best.
What a great message
January 11th, 2024 at 2:47 PM ^
Great post Dennis. We all suffer from various forms of humanity around us - be it the stupid, the evil, the selfish, etc. People wrong each other everywhere all the time so do know you are not alone. We are all blessed in some ways and cursed by the humanity around us in other ways. Be it the cheating spouse, the backstabbing colleague, the classroom bully, the absentee father, on down the line to what you endured.
But you for example, are blessed with great courage to open up and share as you do, and you present about as healthy a mindset as one would hope for in generating, cultivating and sustaining that vital spark we all need.
Beautiful that you can draw from Team 144's inner resolve and resilience to mirror your own.
God speed brother.
January 11th, 2024 at 5:43 PM ^
I’m glad to hear that you were able to face your past and deal with it. Thank you for your honesty and best of luck to you in the future.
Go Blue!
January 11th, 2024 at 7:06 PM ^
I'd give you a hug if I could. It's brave to admit to trauma--recovery takes even more courage. You're on the road, and you'll get there.