Violence Inherent in the System

Please forgive me for not posting this as a diary, but this is my last post - ever, and I believe it may be beneficial for my fellow Wolverines as a post. 

I also wanted to wait a few days to post this and not take away from the joyful posts following the win against the Huskies.

There are two or three key life events that change your trajectory forever. For those of you who haven't seen a handful of my comments on here, this was and is my last season following college football, and it's because I've known in my heart, since very early in this season, that we were destined to win a National Championship, and that no Michigan team would ever come close to what Team 144 has given me. It's my turn to give back to my family, community, and fully invest in my life.

We were destined to win... everything. And so was I - in life. 

My tenure as a shitposter on MGoBlog began around 2015 and my first in-person game was the heartbreaking "JT was short" game in the Shoe. I was graduating from Michigan that year, a true milestone as a first-gen grad, and the beginning of a healing journey that reached its capstone this year.

There are so many uncanny parallels between my realizations about my own deep un-addressed traumas and Michigan's path this year.

It began around when the Mel Tucker scandal kicked off. I shared my SA victim status during a discussion about male mental health on MGoBlog- and those kind responses from y'all gave me enough support to work through those feelings and experiences with my therapist.

I also saw the players and Harbaugh interact like a healthy father and sons - loving, kindness, and unwavering support. So much so that JJ and team would dog-walk every team they faced while smiling like golden retrievers. So much so that our players would visualize, meditate, and unselfishly serve their team to and through victory after victory.

Shortly after we beat Maryland, I told the unmentionable truth to my therapist for the first time - I was sexually assaulted by my adoptive father. For nearly 33 years, the thought of that possibility was so haunting that I ideated suicide when contemplating it as a potential fact. He was a man I regarded as a hero, and I blamed myself, labelling myself as worthless, because he was the only adult I could rely on as a child. So making him happy was paramount. Upholding the lie about his hero status was paramount. After all, he adopted me from a terrible situation.

The moment I realized the truth, my whole body began vibrating like a Home Depot paint shaker, and I vomited profusely. I was sweating from every pore in my body, liquid salt dripping into my eyes and capillaries bursting in my eyelids. I screamed and cried so hard my bruised eyes looked like I got punched for a few days after.

At first I could only feel venemous rage. Hatred and anger turned inward for not fighting back - but I was a helpless child. This feeling was (albeit only minorly parallel through the lens of justice) echoed by the media circus surrounding the ridiculous sign-stealing allegations and slander thrown at Team 144 - unjust bs that only served to make me angry - if I decided to allow it to make me angry. 

But the team continued to reiterate their innocence. They continued to support each other. They continued to win, even with the NCAA forcing out their father figure for their biggest test they would face to date in Penn State - and they still. kept. winning.

I realized, to borrow from Brian's lovely writing, that as a child I was unburdened. I was joyful. I ran like there was nothing in my pockets - because there wasn't. I had nothing to my name but a spark and a smile. 

My abuser saw this, and has a deep terrible wretched hole in his heart. He saw my spark and tried to rip it from my body. 

But like I discovered within myself, just like our beloved Wolverines... nobody can take away your joy. Nobody can take away your resolve. You can survive and thrive through an overblown "scandal," through the B1G darling Ohio State, through the dynasty that is Alabama, through the best passing offense in the NCAA via the Huskies, through the worst horrors a human being can endure.

Nobody can take your spark. Nobody can give you your spark.

You generate, cultivate, and sustain your spark all on your own. 

Team 144 is the reason I'm still alive today. They are part of the reason why I will thrive in my life going forward.

The violence inherent in the system can't stop us unless we let it. 

There's some lovely filth in my garden, and I'm gonna go tend to it.

Much love and blessings to you all. Go Blue! 🙏 🙌〽️