OT:Favorite Insult

Ahhhhh shit. I like:

richard cranium. 
Repeating “chicken sandwich, Carllll” every time faux mo post anything. (The joke is from the state. The state is the best sketch comedy I’ve ever seen. The reason for faux Mo is he went crazy one night about chic filet. As if anyone gives a shit about anyone’s opinion about a fast food joint)

your family tree doesn’t seem to fork. 
you are a product of an inferior gene pool. (Inbreeding joke, not eugenics)

your gene pool is a bit shallow. 
You take the ‘n’ out of fun. (That is a polite way of saying f u)

I look forward to seeing next Nevuary

when anyone’s says they went to fill in the blank school, say, oh you couldn’t get into a major college?

if you see a Yale graduate, say, man I’m sorry you couldn’t get into Harvard. Act genuinely sympathetic. 
 

pretend to care when people describe their diets, work out routines, or the fact that they fly. Keep asking mundane questions about it. Repeat the same questions. “So do you feel better not eating meat” “ do you miss it” do you feel better now? How is your memory? Does running marathons cause narcissistic ramblings about running, or does being a narcissist increase the propensity to both run and talk about it a great length? How do planes work? Landing seems important, agreed? Is air heavy? Wow, where is your CrossFit gym? 
 

and I like to call people Jackie when I mean jack ass. “Hey Jackie, use a blinker.”

there is a Dan deacon bit that is hilarious that says “ drinking out of cups, being a bitch”. Basically, everything that person does is in a bitchy way, thus when I encounter such behavior ( and I’m describing behavior not a sex or gender) I say the person is drinking out of cups. I’ve called the guy a bitch to his face, and he doesn’t know it. 
 

lastly, from upright citizens brigade, “ass pennies” 

Similar to my “you’re a good guy no matter what they say!”

A corollary to that: "Nobody says that about you as far as you know."

Letterkenny had some great ones. 

“You’re made of spare parts, aren’t you, bud?” 

“I wish you weren’t so fucking awkward, bud.”

“Buddy you couldn’t wheel a fuckin’ tire down a hill.”

I see the muscle shirt came today. Muscles coming tomorrow? Did ya get a tracking number? Oh I hope he got a tracking number. That package is going to be smaller than the one you’re sportin’ now.”

“Your dad says guys with big trucks have little dinks. And that makes sense cuz you want a real big truck and got a real little dink.” 

...I like it,I use "did you fart or do you smell like that all of the time"

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.

See You Next Tuesday

How do you pronounce the "**" part?

The OP specifically banned racism,  but misogyny (C**t) and homophobia (butt munch?) are in bounds for this post?  Just want to be clear on the rules before I add anything.  /s

"Hole in the ground" was one of my Dad's favorites. He was also fond of describing a bad motorist as "driving with his head up his ass," or that a painfully stupid co-worker "couldn't find his ass with a map."

Dad had an ass quote for every occasion.

Lol, wut??

First if all if you're a "southern belle" in Texas you're a 'plant, prolly from Georgia.

Second even them southeastern transplant ladies don't talk like that in Texas.  Maybe for their first week or two.  They figure out Texas isn't full of a bunch of neutered, sad, girly-drink lovin' southeastern "gentlemen" real quick.

Cheers.

I know you are, but what am I?

“How’s your wife and my kids?”

Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you.