OT - Need advice very badly
I could really use some info and advice. My 12 year old daughter came home from school today and told me an 8th grade boy came up and grabbed her chest and said "this is mine." Her friends stepped in and pushed him away. They told their teacher and gave a description of the boy. The teacher told my daughter that what he did was sexual assault and the principal came to get her out of class to make sure she was okay and that they were reviewing the school video to identify him. I am absolutely fuming that the school called neither her mother or I. By the time we found out about the incident no one answered the phone at the school. I'm not getting a good feeling about any of this and I am probably to angry to think straight so here are my questions.
1) Isn't the school legally liable to inform her parents as soon as they become aware of the situation?
2) If the school drags their feet should we call the cops?
February 8th, 2021 at 9:33 PM ^
I don’t have much to add aside from saying I’m sorry your daughter and you are having to address it and that nobody should give you crap for asking a question like that here. I’m often impressed with the collective expertise here and compassion from folks.
February 8th, 2021 at 10:56 PM ^
May I add that with 50/50 custody, you and your ex need to put aside whatever differences and work together to resolve this. Put your daughter first. She needs a combined front working for her, not two separate avenues.
I don't mean to tell you how to deal with your ex, but this one isn't about the two of you.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:48 PM ^
Hillbillyblue, you have the full support of the vast majority of the membership of this board (myself included) in posting your OP and I assure you many here would do the same if in your shoes. I'm seeing some very good advice being shared.
I've raised three kids including 2 daughters and have a granddaughter nearly the same age as your daughter, so I can empathize with you. I have a bit of additional advice, something you and her mom possibly have already considered and discussed: counseling for your daughter and quite possibly even family counseling. Your daughter obviously has been traumatized and will likely benefit greatly, both now and long-term, from the expertise of those professionally trained to help, whether it be thru your family doctor/pediatrician, or thru trusted clergy. Her welfare (emotional, mental, and physical) is no doubt the single most important consideration.
By all means, though, making sure the police are involved is essential, a step I hope the school administration has already initiated or will do first thing in the morning.
My prayers for your daughter and family. Hang in there as calmly as you can.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:32 PM ^
This isn't my first place to go for most advice.
But there are some smart people on here with some good perspectives. Not all of us are really anonymous, but there's a level of familiarity here amongst many of us. It doesn't seem that different from asking people you're acquainted with at the office, except here you get a wider cross-section of professions and experiences.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:43 PM ^
Yes, blame the school, the teacher, the school, the cops and then sue them before you find out the facts. Don’t bother with the 8th grader or his parents. (This is sarcasm.) Oh, and yes, you’re too angry to think straight. When you calm down, after consulting with your wife and daughter, you three can contact the police and file a complaint against the 8th grader. By the way, you might reconsider whether MgoBlog is the best forum for this issue.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:43 PM ^
Absolutely pursuit getting the police involved. This is sexual assault by definition. I hope this young man learns his lesson early and doesn’t become a sexual predator, because that is the danger with all of this. It only escalates - I’ve seen it a dozen times unfortunately.
I’m so sorry this happened to your daughter. My 3YO is the light of my life and I don’t know what I would do if some jackass did something like that to her. I hope she’s ok.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:48 PM ^
As a lawyer I would say report it to the school, talk to a local attorney that knows the laws in your area. There may be a school resource officer (local deputy assigned to the school).
Places ain’t uniform, so general advice should be seek local advice, not a national blog.
Keep her safe and loved and take a deep breath. And know that it can be addressed.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:48 PM ^
There is a very real chance that this is the first time school leaders in your child’s building have dealt with this and they are likely frozen and unsure of what to do.
I would notify the authorities. This was a criminal behavior and this is what police handle.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:51 PM ^
Most schools have a resource officer these days, but less so in middle vs HS, so they may already be involved. Of course you can always get the police involved yourself. I'd hold off into you know more. I'm sure your emotions are triggering you to want to respond. This is flight or fight. I'd sleep on it. Time won't matter.
Next, I'd caution you about going into the blame game. Rather, I'd try to first take care of your daughter. Then, I'd try to figure out what really happened. Not saying anyone is fabricating anything, but adolescents do not have fully developed brains and don't do well considering the long term ramifications of their actions. They are however very well tuned in to what their friends think of them. This impacts what they say and do in front of others. Also, what happened can always be viewed from many perspctives. What happened is a memory of your perception of reality, rather than reality itself. But, looking for punishment is likely going to do a few things. First, it won't help your daughter, who really just needs support and love. And, two it's likely to leave you frustrated. It's unlikely you'll ever feel a valid punishment occurs anyways. You'll have to come to terms accepting what happened, that you can't change it, and try get a life lesson from it, for both you and your daughter. This could be a traumatic event for her. Or, she can grow and take a healthy lesson from it. How you support her will play a role in how she feels about it.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:04 PM ^
Well said... the OP daughter is likely to experience more trauma from a police investigation than she did from the original incident. I say this as a father of a four year old girl.. I can't imagine what I would do if she were legit assaulted... but this sounds more like a case of a dumbass 14 year old boy doing something really stupid. Engage the school administration, teachers, and his parents... police and lawyers... not so much.
Plus.. teach her to kick him in the balls!
February 8th, 2021 at 9:42 PM ^
I will leave the discussion of legal considerations to those on the board who have the expertise. But I agree with MGoStrength on the focus on your daughter. You may have already done some of these things, but as a father of three teenage daughters, I would do the following:
- Tell her clearly that this was not her fault. (It's a strange thing that children who experience abuse often think that they did something to deserve it).
- Let her know that you are really glad that she came to talk to you about it, and that you always want to hear from her.
- Reinforce that she is loved, precious, and deserves to be treated with respect.
- Ask her how she is feeling about it, and listen for as long as needed.
- Tell her that you are going to defend her, whatever that means specifically.
- Give her the option to stay home from school for a day or two to process this (and not have to deal with going back into the environment right away).
There are a lot of different permutations depending on your daughter's personality, but there are a few messages that will be important for her to hear.
It's a horrible thing for a young girl to go through, and infuriating for a Dad. You're in my thoughts.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:43 PM ^
Sorry this happened to your daughter. MGoStrength gave some great advice - take care of your daughter first. Not to be doom and gloom, but unfortunately there will be chatter at school and things outside your control, especially as the disciplinary/legal processes play out, that may remind her of the incident or make her feel insecure about it at school, so she will need a support team around her. You want to be on that team - so avoid making a scene or doing anything to break her trust.
Definitely follow up with the principal to get all the information they have and let them know they should have called you ASAP. There's really not an excuse for not calling you, someone dropped the ball.
The legal process will take time and have its tough moments, but you can't change what happened so do your best to keep your emotions in check and focus on what you can control as well as what's most important - your daughter's wellbeing.
Best of luck and here's hoping she is able to put it behind her quickly.
February 9th, 2021 at 1:06 AM ^
I'm going to try to be measured here, but this post is terrible advice in my opinion.
As a father, when your daughter says says someone assaulted her, you fucking believe her and "play the blame game."
Also, as an attorney, although one or two days won't matter, in general time very much does matter. If the school won't do anything, then you will have to take this up with the court system in some way or another. There is a very high probability that the opposition in whatever circumstance will bring up any delay in reporting as evidence against its validity. It's stupid but it happens all the time. Like you don't even need an attorney to tell you that, just read the responses to literally any public assault/abuse allegations.
As a human, I don't agree with the attitude toward punishment here. Punishment won't cure everything, but bad deeds merit punishment. Punishment deters other people. Punishment will make you feel somewhat better. None of those statements is true without exception, but they are all true enough to make punishment a very legitimate goal.
Also, what happened isn't a memory or a perception. It's an event in the world. People have perceptions of those events and store them in memory. We use their testimony from their memory to determine what happened in the event. It's not nearly so mysterious as you make it sound. She wasn't just violated in memory; she was violated in reality and remembers it.
To be honest, this whole post reeks of sympathy for fuckheads who assault people, between the advice to disbelieve the victim and the caution against wanting punishment. That's probably not what was intended, it's how it reads and I threw up a little in my mouth seeing that it had 16 upvotes.
February 9th, 2021 at 8:23 AM ^
As a father, when your daughter says says someone assaulted her, you fucking believe her and "play the blame game."
I think if you reflect on this statement you'll realize this course of action is more about making the parent feel better than the child. The focus should be on the child first. The other problem with this is you don't really know. If you think giving 100% credibility to what a child says as gospel, think back to your adolescence and consider the things that came out of your mouth. It's very easy to get caught up in the "are you calling my daughter a liar" thing. This IMO is the wrong route to go down and again is likely more about the struggle a parent is feeling coming to terms with what happened than focusing on the child's needs.
Also, what happened isn't a memory or a perception. It's an event in the world. People have perceptions of those events and store them in memory. We use their testimony from their memory to determine what happened in the event. It's not nearly so mysterious as you make it sound. She wasn't just violated in memory; she was violated in reality and remembers it.
Reality is an objective state of the world. Perception is how you interpret and understand it. When something happens we have the raw data and observations of our experience, like the video recording version of an experience. However, then we (knowingly or unknowingly) filter details and information from our experience based on our preferences, values, etc. Then, we assign meaning and begin to interpret what the information is telling us. Then, we develop assumptions based on the meanings we created. This is where we begin to develop a "story" of what happened and it becomes difficult to tell the difference between fact and our story of what happened. Finally, we develop conclusions based on our assumptions. This is where our emotional reactions are created. Then, we adjust our beliefs about the world based on this process. Lastly, we take action based on our adjusted beliefs. So, the video tape (if it exists) is the objective facts of the event. The story the daughter is telling is not. She's a human with feelings, beliefs, and assumptions. Her story involves all of those things. It is not reality. It is her perception of the event. Here's a video of this concept.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJLqOclPqis&feature=emb_title
To be honest, this whole post reeks of sympathy for fuckheads who assault people, between the advice to disbelieve the victim and the caution against wanting punishment.
Believe me, I know it's challenging. My wife was the victim of a rape a year before we met, which was like 8 years ago now. I've seen the lasting impact it has on her still today. I've seen her process through years of therapy. And, it's not easy to accept that the law did nothing about it and there is nothing I can do about it. The DA refused to prosecute. I'd love to kill the guy. I know him personally. But, that won't solve anything. It's not about me. It's not about justice either. It's about taking care of the victim. Making it about justice makes it about you. I'm not saying don't go through the legal process or don't seek answers. But, the focus should be on the child first.
February 9th, 2021 at 1:52 PM ^
This reply is a bit confusing to me.
It's about making the child feel believed and validated when they make a difficult allegation. He's her father, not a judge in a court case. I'm saying he should believe his daughter when she says it's this kid's fault-- you're disagreeing while asserting that this about putting his child first. That doesn't make any sense to me. I never said to believe everything a child says. I said to believe them when they say someone sexually assaulted them. I've reflected on everything I've every said as a kid and you know what, I never said a goddamn false thing about being sexually assaulted. You want to think about a child victim's needs? If she smells even a hint of doubt from her parents the results will be awful. I strongly advise the OP to listen to child therapists when it comes to this. Go look up what is advised when dealing with an alleged victim of assault.
Secondly, you said that "what happened was a memory of a perception." That's just false. You can link to whatever TED talks you like but what happened is neither a memory nor a perception. "Her story" is what she tells you based on her memories, but that's not what you wrote in your post.
Also, I'm a JD/PhD who's written about the relationships between values and (seemingly perceptual) judgments, so while I appreciate the lecture on how perception works, I don't think I need to watch the TED talk. I don't think his daughter is a purely objective source of information; I do think he needs to more or less treat her as such because that's part of his job as a parent in this situation. Further, just because her testimony (and all testimony) is not a value-free account of what happened does not mean it's inaccurate. People really do still tell the truth about some things. Values influence the construction of narratives, but the narrative isn't fiction even if it's not pure "objective" fact. If some kid did walk up, grope her and say "these are mine", then her story is accurate in all the relevant ways. The mere fact that those aspects could be misremembered or misperceived doesn't mean it is likely that they were.
I can't imagine anyone taking the influence of value upon perception as seriously as you suggest. If someone says they had Cheerios for breakfast this morning I don't think we need to ponder whether they really had toast but their values constructed a narrative where they ate Cheerios. Just because values could have constructed the Cheerios-memory doesn't mean we should worry that they did. Likewise, I know some writers in epistemology who discuss a kind of global testimonial skepticism, but I doubt many people practice it.
I am very sorry for your wife's and your experiences. I very much hope and wish people take and had taken her testimony more seriously. I don't think you should kill anyone. I think it's very sad that justice was not done and that given the constraints of our world it may never be done in this case. I don't think that makes justice any less valuable or desirable, nor do I think that makes wanting justice selfish. One should strongly desire and pursue justice (though not at any cost), but ultimately one may have to deal with not getting it. This is consistent with putting the victim first, and also with considering the welfare of future potential victims.
February 10th, 2021 at 7:22 AM ^
He's her father, not a judge in a court case. I'm saying he should believe his daughter when she says it's this kid's fault-- you're disagreeing while asserting that this about putting his child first.
I don't believe being a good parent means always accepting what your child says as 100% true. I think it's important to keep an open mind. It's unwise to take anyone's take on a situation as fact, particularly a child's.
If she smells even a hint of doubt from her parents the results will be awful.
I think there is a difference between validating the child's feelings about what happened and making a judgement on the facts. You validate how the child feels. You recognize the impact the event had on the child. You don't necessarily form an opinion on the facts of what happened until you gather more information. This is a perfectly fine message to send a child. I'm not sure anyone should expect another to take their story as fact. That doesn't mean you don't support the child. It means you understand how the human brain works.
Secondly, you said that "what happened was a memory of a perception." That's just false. You can link to whatever TED talks you like but what happened is neither a memory nor a perception.
It's false or you believe it's false? Do you have any sort of evidence that would suggest your assumption of how people's recollection of events is accurate beyond your own personal beliefs? I'd be very curious to see something supporting your point view from an established psychologist or someone that studies the brain.
I don't think his daughter is a purely objective source of information; I do think he needs to more or less treat her as such because that's part of his job as a parent in this situation.
I appreciate your point of view, but I don't think that's a parents job. Your job as a parent is not to accept everything your child says as true. In fact, it's probably unhealthy for your child to expect a parent to believe everything they say. Your job is to validate how they feel. You can still support your child and validate their feelings without openly questioning them while you maintain an open mind and gather information before making your own judgement.
If some kid did walk up, grope her and say "these are mine", then her story is accurate in all the relevant ways.
True, but hypothetically what if she first grabbed his nuts and said "these are mine" and his act was only a response to hers? Maybe she left this part out of the story. Would that change your opinion on how you felt about her story? Again, just highlighting an example of how context matters and why you need to gather more information before drawing conclusions.
If someone says they had Cheerios for breakfast this morning I don't think we need to ponder whether they really had toast but their values constructed a narrative where they ate Cheerios.
It seems pretty obvious that someone is less likely to have the emotional response to their breakfast choice as they would a sexual assault. That means it's less likely their values are altering their perception of the event. Then again if you're asking an obese person what they ate for breakfast and they tell you they ate something healthy you might have some healthy skepticism because they may be emotionally tied how they answer that question. But, you have to consider context.
I am very sorry for your wife's and your experiences.
Thank you, but no worries either way. I was just sharing an example to illuminate the nature of how people tend to react when someone we love is hurt by another. Anger and frustration are common as is seeking justice. That's emotion rather than logic.
I don't think that makes justice any less valuable or desirable, nor do I think that makes wanting justice selfish. One should strongly desire and pursue justice (though not at any cost), but ultimately one may have to deal with not getting it. This is consistent with putting the victim first, and also with considering the welfare of future potential victims.
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I don't see justice as putting the victim first. The only thing that helps the victim process what happened is by focusing on their feelings about it and how to remain positive moving forward. Focus on punishing the person tends to keep you in the past and tends to make you focus on the negativity of what happened. I don't think that's beneficial for growth and processing what happened. In fact, much of the therapy around PTSD is about accepting what happened, forgiving the person & world for it happening, making it less emotionally triggering, and finding ways to cope with the triggers. But, focusing on punishment seems to do the opposite. That doesn't mean you don't see through the legal process, but I don't think making it a focus is necessarily supportive of the victim.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:56 PM ^
Yikes. Stuff like this happening is one of a million reasons I don’t want any kids.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:57 PM ^
Contact the school as they are obligated under Title IX to investigate under risk of active indifference.
Calling the police is a separate issue. I’d call the police if it were to happen on the street in a store, etc.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:05 PM ^
As someone who was once in 8th grade, I can say with absolute authority, that often times teenagers do incredibly stupid and naive things.
I think that calling the police is the last thing you should do. You should march your ass down to that school tomorrow and demand answers.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:41 PM ^
This is where I’m at DB. As a father of 3 daughters (full disclosure- younger than OP’s) and a former eighth grade boy, I would consult with school administrators first. If not satisfied, then escalate.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:06 PM ^
If I may... I have a daughter a similar age.. if that happened to her I'd instruct her to not flinch and pop the dude in the face and hard. Justified. So they will think twice and the word will get around and it'll be a strong deterrent. The rest I cannot speak to..
February 8th, 2021 at 9:19 PM ^
Kick in the balls may send a more direct message, but I like your style.
February 9th, 2021 at 6:50 PM ^
I have an older daughter, almost 18, and she's strong and an athlete. I have encouraged her to fight back if ever necessary but that's easier said than done. Girls are not brought up to be physical fighters, and by brought up I mean by society. You may have taught your daughter to throw a punch, but it's such an unusual act for a girl. I think there's fight or flight response, but that's different than what happened to this girl. That's more of a survival instinct, not a response to some guy grabbing or touching you against your wishes.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:08 PM ^
1) I don't know, but if you're thinking first about liability, your first priority is off base.
2) Absolutely
February 8th, 2021 at 9:15 PM ^
1 - As a former teacher, I am not surprised you were not informed. Expect to learn less of what is going on in school in the future. School's do not want parental involvement in what they want to do.
2 - Do not readily assume malfeasance based on number 1 above. I would go to the school and get the scoop. They may be taking action anyways but do not rely upon their word that they are doing anything.
3 - Report it to the police and let the school know that you are going to anyways.
The goal should not be to destroy the life of the kid at fault in this but there are consequences and they need to be seen through. Do not expect too much.
Rather how the school responds to this matters more as the administration and security and staff are there to create an environment that will allow students to be safe. They need to be held accountable in their actions. Reporting this to the police puts pressure on them to take the correct course of action.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:18 PM ^
1) Call cops
2) Talk to an attorney if you have one in the family, if not reach out to one for a free initial consultation.
3) The school is not liable for the boy's behavior but is absolutely liable for how they handled it, which seems to be very poorly to say the least.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:19 PM ^
1. No, the school does not need to call the moment they hear about this. They are going to try and find the facts about what happened. They are going to talk to your daughter about the situation, check security footage, talk to the teacher, others who were around, etc to find out who this other student want.
The time table for parent outreach is going to be different. I understand your frustration here and you or your wife should have been contacted before admin went home for the evening. I’m not sure of the exact circumstances of what happened but as someone going through the administrator process, things in schools are never as simple as one incident. It might have have fallen through the cracks based on the day.
What did your daughter tell you about the whole incident? How long was she with admin? Was it a short thing and then back to class? How upset was she with everything? Not to underplay it, but if she was saying it wasn’t a big deal or was fine the administration might have sent her back to class and they didn’t solve exactly what it was and forgot to reach out.
Your family should have gotten a call, as someone in that field I would have. Call tomorrow morning before school, principals are typically in 45-60 min before kids are there. Find out what information they have and what they are looking to do. Realize that going in there pure fire will not improve the situation. Talk to them about pressing changes against the student and see what they have to say about it.
Replying to what others are saying about an unknown kid is quiet off. With due process within schools and schools lowering things for suspensions it is a lot harder for that to happen. A student who couldn’t be identified at the time makes this a lot more complicated.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:32 PM ^
This answer is more complete and better phrased than the one I wrote below.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:19 PM ^
Usually showing up with an attorney to the board of Ed meeting grabs their attention pretty quickly.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:26 PM ^
Dude, this sucks. Sorry you and your daughter have to go through something like this.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:30 PM ^
Context matters, and I don't know the full situation, but I don't know that I'd conclude automatically that the school did the wrong thing by not calling you right away. If I were the principal and I had an upset student reporting what sounds like an assault, my first instinct would be to ask the student if s/he wanted me to call their parent(s) and then proceed accordingly depending on the reply. But in some circumstances I can see a school administrator wanting to get the situation under control -- ascertain the identity of the alleged assailant and ensure someone has custody of him (or her), collect information about the incident, ensure school district (and perhaps police) have been notified, etc. --before calling a parent whose behavior might be unpredictable and could make the situation worse. And maybe that process hadn't been complete by the time the school day was over and it was time for the kids to be sent home.
(Some other questions -- Do you know for sure that the school hasn't already contacted police? What's your relationship with the principal/teachers been like previously -- congenial? conflictual?
That said, if I were a principal and valued my relationship with families at all, I cannot imagine leaving my office and going home for the night without reaching out to the parents of both kids. Phoning parents too quickly might be a mistake, but not phoning them at all definitely is.
Sorry this happened to your daughter.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:32 PM ^
I recommend talking to your daughter about what she'd like to see done here and then thinking through the practicalities of her wishes. This isn't to say that she should have complete say over the matter--I understand that she's young--but this is ultimately her issue. And she's the one who's going to have to back to school and live with the results of your decisions.
Also, I'm really sorry that this happened.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:34 PM ^
this is ultimately her issue. And she's the one who's going to have to back to school and live with the results of your decisions
This is something that I think a lot of people are missing. How this is handled could very well have a large impact on the rest of her schooling experience, social life, friends, etc. Going scorched earth and calling the cops may not be the best option and she should have lots of say in how things proceed
February 9th, 2021 at 12:24 PM ^
I agree that she should be empowered here. But also know that 12 year old girls for the most part don't want negative attention, and it's possible that she may want to just forget it and move on to avoid attention. If it was my daughter, I would talk to her about the importance of being heard and taken seriously, and that she matters, and what happened matters. You want to set the precedent in her mind that she should be able to stand up for herself, set boundaries, and have them be respected.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:36 PM ^
1. Talk to your daughter and ensure she knows that she is loved and supported and that she can speak openly and honestly about what happened to her. I think this is the most important thing right now.
2. I'm late here, so definitely talk to officials tomorrow. The school and police.
3. Talk to a lawyer. You don't know now how this is going to go but it isn't a bad idea to get your daughter an advocate that knows the law.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:37 PM ^
Thoughts are with you and your daughter.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:47 PM ^
I’d call the cops, inform the school board, get everyone involved. My wife is a teacher and a lot of stuff gets swept under the rug by principals who are “wusses” to put it lightly.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:47 PM ^
Speaking from a parallel experience decades ago?
Take a series of very deep breaths and work hard to de-escalate the tensions permeating the family. No, you're not avoiding or delaying, you're calmly taking control. And you're going to radiate love and understanding.
Tomorrow, you're going to sit with the administration to review what happened, everything. Then you're going to sit with a trusted attorney and talk about everything.
We're talking about 12 year olds ....
February 8th, 2021 at 9:58 PM ^
Schoolteacher and father of a newborn girl here. I totally understand your anger at the situation. It is unacceptable and like other posters have said, there should be consequences for the act.
I would meet with the principal in person if possible but if they aren't allowing visitors try to get your answers over the phone or Google meet.
I had a friend of mine in middle school make a similar mistake (lewd hazing games in the locker room) and he ended up getting expelled from our small Lutheran school a few months before graduation. He learned from his mistake and ended up a pretty okay adult with a daughter of his own that he treats well by all accounts. Try to find it in your heart to understand that middle school kids are impulsive and not fully empathetic towards others, especially the opposite sex.
The rub seems to be that the young man hasn't been clearly identified. I had an expelled student mess with my car on the last day of school once and the quality of the parking lot camera could not produce a good enough image to pin it on him even though it was pretty obvious who slashed my tire. Prepare for the possibility that they may not be able to prove anything.
I think the self defense route for your daughter is a valid step to take to prevent similar outcomes in the future. She will be resilient and move forward knowing you are in her corner.
Lastly, this is another reminder to me about how you couldn't pay me enough to be an administrator. It's a thankless job with long hours and all the shit show scenarios you can imagine. Great administrators are invaluable and bad administrators can derail the fabric of a school building for all involved, but usually it isn't from lack of trying. Good luck with everything.
February 8th, 2021 at 10:11 PM ^
In a comparable situation I found the advice of a child psychologist useful. They are professionals who deal with situations like this all the time. You won't get legal advice, but in my opinion, that isn't something that needs to be addressed immediately anyway.
You can get a referral from your child's pediatrician and could probably get a phone conversation within a day or two. Where you go from there depends on your specific situation.
February 8th, 2021 at 10:13 PM ^
As the father of a 13 year old I don't know if I'd involve law enforcement.
Last year my kid, then 12 and in 7th grade had a personal item snatched out of his hand by a 13 year old 8th grader. The 13 year old tried to run away with the item after snatching it but my kid tackled him to get it back. The scrum was broken up and the 13 year old told the middle school director he feared for his life because my kid (who was a year younger and considerably smaller) horse collared him to bring him down.
My kid was suspended for 2 days, the older kid got nothing but both learned a lesson neither will ever forget.
Basically they're wildly impulsive at this age and make dumbass mistakes but that's my 2 cents from personal experience.
February 8th, 2021 at 10:14 PM ^
That is very serious. I would, for one, go into the school and talk to them. Also, if they do nothing with that, then I would certainly call the police.
February 8th, 2021 at 10:25 PM ^
The school should have a form of a school resource office to assist. There are varying levels of CSC (criminal sexual conduct), and even if it happened exactly as reported, the suspect’s age will prevent a ‘serious’ consequence. It is possible he could receive a long term suspension up to expulsion, which would be the far worse consequence. The school has a duty to inform, but it is not something you can legally nail them on, though letting the school day end without talking to you is bad form.
You do have to take into account that you have only heard one side of the story. Stay as calm as you can and get the facts from the school admin. They will not give you the other kid’s name or discuss his disciplinary history, or whether a cognitive disability played a role.
Yes, I do this for a living.
February 8th, 2021 at 10:45 PM ^
Whatever you decide, please make sure your daughter is ok with it. This is a very fragile situation.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:02 PM ^
Likely legally, but definitely ethically. They’re supervising your daughter and cannot ignore an allegation that serious.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:07 PM ^
Your daughter is definitely the focus here in the sense that she's order of business #1. Finding someone she's comfortable talking to about it is pretty important.
Liability isn't as high on my list since we don't yet know what the school is doing other than checking their tape. It's still inside of 24 hrs on this.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:15 PM ^
There is no perfect answer or perfect advice. Time to think hard and long. Your daughter has been violated.the violator is 8th grader probably about 14. He may be an “asshole” or he may be going through some extreme hormonal changes. His parents may be as shocked and angry at him as you are once they find out. He may deserve to have his life ruined by a police charge he may instead need therapy, as may your daughter. Let your initial, justified, anger cool. Your daughter needs you parental guidance and hot anger parents give the wrong lesson. Work for justice for your daughter not revenge. The goal should be justice with mercy.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:15 PM ^
I am 28 year experienced high school teacher and administrator. The school SHOULD have informed you of the incident immediately. Go directly to the school IN PERSON (wear your mask) and request to see the Principal and your child's guidance counselor who should have also been informed. I know your pissed off, but remain calm and ask why you were not informed of the situation. Take this step first
February 8th, 2021 at 11:25 PM ^
There's some good advice here.
I have my reservations about school bureacracies, but I would encourage you to offer some benefit of the doubt to the school. This is serious stuff, and they may have very stringent procedures that they need to follow for reporting to make sure that things are properly addressed... and it's possible that communicating with parents is not properly prioritized in that list of procedures. As others said, going to the school and speaking to the principal would be a good idea.
Remember, they clearly understand that this is serious, since the teacher took it seriously and the principal made a point to pull your daughter check on her welfare. So it doesn't seem that they are being unserious about this.
A couple people have mentioned considering your daughter's feelings in this, and that's absolutely important. One of the things that you *can* do is deal with the leadership of the school without her needing to know everything going on, if she's uncomfortable or stressed by this. Unfortunately, girls and women can wind up in the middle of a firestorm of questions and process that is very stressful, and some may consider not reporting stuff just to avoid the trouble. Your first duty is to protect your daughter, and that includes protecting her from potential stress that could come from an intense legal inquiry as much as you can. EDIT: Just doubling down on this: She's 12 years old. She has most of her life left to live. Lord willing, she will never be subjected to such treatment again... but if she were, you don't want a bad experience with the legal system to discourage her from seeking help and reporting it.
I wouldn't count on finding satisfaction from legal options. 12-year-old boys are not legal adults and the system will treat them differently; the main concern will be that he experiences the full, proper intervention that is available at that age. And I'm pretty sure he should be trespassed from being in close proximity to your daughter on school grounds, though I don't know what the specific guidelines are there.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:30 PM ^
Educator here, have worked for many years in middle and high school. Sorry this happened to your daughter. I would set up an appointment with a good counselor/therapist so she can process this. Your family doctor, religious leader, or school counselor are good resources for recommendations.
1. Check your spam and voicemail on all phones to make sure the school didn't contact you.
2. Ask your daughter if she feels safe going to school tomorrow. If not, keep her home until you meet with the principals.
3. Call the principal first thing in the morning. Discuss the status of their investigation. Based on that conversation, decide next steps. Face to face meeting? Safety plan for your daughter? Police involvement? I would look on that as a last step, but of course you have every right to go there first if you choose. I would agree with a few others that police involvement and all that comes with it could add to the trauma for your daughter, but it could also be exactly the right move.
4. I don't know you or your daughter, so no disrespect is meant to either of you here-and no, this does not imply blaming the victim. It's about getting all the information about the situation. Gently ask her-or have the counselor/therapist ask her-what the history is with the boy. Does she know him? Have they had issues before? Has he dated her friends, or possibly her? (Middle school relationships can last a day or a week, and when they end sometimes the kids don't have the experience to handle it well.) What does she know about him? His friends? Context can help explain the actions, though not excuse them.
5. Be persistent. Tell the principal exactly what you want to see happen, and include the superintendent in your conversation. If at any point you feel like they are holding back or dragging their feet, you can always go nuclear-police, DA, school board, local media, etc.
Best of luck.