OT - Need advice very badly
I could really use some info and advice. My 12 year old daughter came home from school today and told me an 8th grade boy came up and grabbed her chest and said "this is mine." Her friends stepped in and pushed him away. They told their teacher and gave a description of the boy. The teacher told my daughter that what he did was sexual assault and the principal came to get her out of class to make sure she was okay and that they were reviewing the school video to identify him. I am absolutely fuming that the school called neither her mother or I. By the time we found out about the incident no one answered the phone at the school. I'm not getting a good feeling about any of this and I am probably to angry to think straight so here are my questions.
1) Isn't the school legally liable to inform her parents as soon as they become aware of the situation?
2) If the school drags their feet should we call the cops?
February 9th, 2021 at 2:23 PM ^
Yeah, it happened all the time. It happened to me. Girls were terrorized in a lot of different ways, like being pantsed as they stood at their lockers or boys holding up their skirts from behind or looking down their shirts. It may seem like nothing, but it wasn't nothing. And when people in authority excuse it or push it under the rug, the victim is diminished. Even seemingly small things like bra snapping are diminishing. I can tell you from my experiences, and those of my friends.
February 9th, 2021 at 11:51 AM ^
He said the boy was an 8th grader, so not 12
February 9th, 2021 at 12:10 PM ^
He's probably 13 then.
February 9th, 2021 at 12:22 PM ^
This is a great distinction to make. The boy being 13 instead of 12 definitely changes the entire situation. Thank you for bringing this very important point up. /s
8.5.7February 9th, 2021 at 4:15 PM ^
probably 14 already.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:30 PM ^
I’d call the cops in a heartbeat. I feel for you, man. As a dad, I know how I’d feel. Best wishes to your family.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:51 PM ^
I feel for you as well. Just a terrible thing to happen to your daughter and an awful thing to confront as a parent. Go to the school first thing in the morning see the principal. Find out what he knows, what he plans to do (report to the police, etc.) and evaluate again at that point. It's hard as hell to remain even keeled in a situation like this but you are going to get to the bottom of this and you are going to see to it that the proper actions are taken. It may take some time but be the dog with a bone. Stay focused and stay determined.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:45 PM ^
Keep the focus on your daughter. How does she want to handle it, or have it handled?
Her personal agency/control (around her own body) has been violated. Be careful not to act without involving her and giving her back some of that agency/control. Otherwise, the process itself can end up being traumatic and diminish her agency/control.
It needs to be about her, not you.
February 8th, 2021 at 10:08 PM ^
She is 12 years old and has been violated. While it does need to be about her, she needs her parents to take the lead here.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:15 PM ^
Agreed. It's not 'what does your daughter want' it's 'what does your daughter need.'
Considerations of the boy and school, as infuriating as they may be, are secondary.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:15 PM ^
Agreed. It's not 'what does your daughter want' it's 'what does your daughter need.'
Considerations of the boy and school, as infuriating as they may be, are secondary.
February 9th, 2021 at 1:07 PM ^
she needs her parents to take the lead here.
I was thinking the same thing -- but didn't want to post after what a shitshow the first page has become.
1. Why is someone asking an internet board for advice about protecting their kid?
2. If I'm the parent, I'm calling the police.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:31 PM ^
Any sexual assault should be reported to the police.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:33 PM ^
I think you should wait until tomorrow to see how this plays out and how they address the situation and what comes of it, then you evaluate your options.
I'd imagine the school is legally liable to inform you since your daughter is a minor and you can definitely get the cops involved if your family so chooses. If there is security footage of the situation, it should be pretty open and close. I'd also imagine such an incident is grounds for the school to expel the 8th grader
I always think it's best to sleep on things and think things though in these types of situations.
I'm sorry this happened to your daughter. No one should be subject to that and I hope you and your family get this situation resolved
Edit: I'd also like to go against what some people in this thread are saying. You do not need to call the police. You can if you and your family decide that is the best course of action
February 8th, 2021 at 9:32 PM ^
Good advice. The police, in a situation like this should be more of a last resort, not the first. Go to the school, talk with the principal, find out as much as you can. You want healing for your daughter, and, if possible, the other student. You don't want this to ruin your daughter's life, nor the other student, if you can.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:32 PM ^
Good advice. The police, in a situation like this should be more of a last resort, not the first. Go to the school, talk with the principal, find out as much as you can. You want healing for your daughter, and, if possible, the other student. You don't want this to ruin your daughter's life, nor the other student, if you can.
February 8th, 2021 at 10:20 PM ^
Exactly.
February 8th, 2021 at 10:54 PM ^
Totally agree. I have 2 young daughters and going to the police would be my last resort. I'd go to the school, ask why my wife and I wife weren't notified about the incident, inquire about what's being done to ensure that it won't happen again, and ask for my daughter to be separated from this kid whenever possible. I'd also take into consideration that this kid is 13 years old and boys that age don't make good decisions in many instances. I'd try to defuse the situation while making sure that my daughter was being protected. I think going nuclear serves nobody.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:21 PM ^
Agreed. The kid should be expelled and there clearly is a need for intervention, but the criminal justice system will chew him up and spit him out and will likely make his character worse, not better.
Although, if OP’s daughter really thinks the police need to be involved for her to feel that justice has been done, then that’s probably what you’ll need to do.
Please do not my interpret my comments as notes of sympathy for the kid, or that the focus should be on his well being rather than OP’s daughter. What he did was heinous and he needs to face the consequences of his actions. Op, I hope your daughter, you and her mother are able to get justice and heal. I’m so sorry this happened
February 9th, 2021 at 1:31 AM ^
XtraMelanin would be better positioned to comment on this, but unless he's in eight grade for the 3rd time or there are other incidents like this in his past, he's unlikely to face the brunt of the criminal justice system in Michigan.
February 9th, 2021 at 6:31 AM ^
right, you aren't 'throwing the book' at an 8th grader. some counties (don't know if this is a michigan incident) might even put this on the consent calendar which is kind of like probation without a plea to anything. whether he's put on probation or not, the court will provide services which would include counseling and other things particular to the kid's family situation.
having been in criminal law for more years than many here have been alive, i will make the educated guess that the kid comes from a broken home and has virtually unlimited access to media, TV, his phone/internet, and video games, all of which take the place of actual parenting. the behavior described in the OP is learned behavior and a warning to all parents to closely, sometimes even intensely, monitor or prohibit your children's access to these things. there is a time, age and place to learn of these things in the world and i would suggest that this 13 yr old started learning about them years ago and at far too tender of an age.
February 9th, 2021 at 7:38 AM ^
I go after the parents of the kid. For some reason, he thinks it's okay to do this. Does he have a dad that thinks this is okay? This is crap.
February 9th, 2021 at 11:14 AM ^
Well this is not exactly great advice either. If you want video evidence, that may only be stored for 24 hours then overwritten, I would approach them and at least have the evidence preserved. Thinking about it too long and your evidence will be gone.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:33 PM ^
If I were the school I'd be very careful about doing anything that would suggest that such an act took place one way or the other until it's investigated accordingly. It's a serious allegation and with no staff having witnessed it directly, I assume they want to review video before making a decision on what to do.
I can't comment on timelines for the school to notify you or legal requirements regarding mandatory reporting in your area.
Whatever the school does or doesn't do, you should not wait to report it to the police. School action and police action are separate matters.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:00 PM ^
This. What is there to sit in and wait? Would any of you feel “cooler” the next day that your daughter was violated?
It isn’t up to the victim or her family to worry about the boy and his family. He brought in consequences, and he can easily be sincerely apologetic and not have his actions be defined by being a sexual predator.
If you don’t call the cops right away, you at least call/email the principal at home. Email/call superintendent. Show your daughter she matters lost. There are undertones to those responses that say to wait that they’re just as concerned about the boy.
The school has already failed you and you need to let them know that ASAP. They need to wake up knowing they have a problem to deal with—one that your daughter did not create. Their slow play and silence gives them an escape if you don’t address it right away.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:34 PM ^
I can understand being very angry, but I'd set the whole "liability" thing to the side for the moment and plan on heading into the school tomorrow morning and asking to speak to the principal. I would then find out what they know, and for anything they don't know, what their plan looks like for you getting that information this week.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:35 PM ^
Definitely report it to the police. They will be able to punish far more than the school will. If it were my daughter (I have 3), I would pursue through the school and the police.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:36 PM ^
1.) not really, policy violation and depending on the state, a mandatory reporting violation. Bad move but no damages in the delayed report. Check your state law for time requirements for reporting.
EDIT: clarifying, by no damages I mean no monetary damages and thus, not ‘liable’ in the sense of $. I don’t mean the young lady isn’t traumatized.
2.). Your call but the answer sure seems to be ‘yes!’
3.). Homeschool
February 8th, 2021 at 8:55 PM ^
Homeschooling is a good idea, while it's still legal anyway.
February 8th, 2021 at 11:57 PM ^
What if the daughter doesn't WANT to homeschool? What if she has friends she doesn't want to lose?
Neither of my kids would want to homeschool. I would have hated it as well. She shouldn't be forced to homeschool because some boy was a jackass..
February 9th, 2021 at 6:19 AM ^
there is a much longer discussion to be had on the topic, but a couple of things. first, parents lead, they don't follow. that is what is meant by the term 'parent-lead household'. children want many things that may or may not be good for them. they aren't the arbiters of the direction of their early lives and if they are then i suggest you have a house that is headed for trouble. our job isn't to be our children's 'buddy', but to raise them up in the way that they should go and sometimes that requires a firm hand, sometimes its not tough. love them unconditionally, but lead.
second, i will take the wild guess that literally 100% of the people that opine about homeschooling in this thread have never.....homeschooled. the closest any have gotten happened last spring with the various shut-downs which were the equivalent of taking a moving vehicle and suddenly putting it into park as you drive down the street. a gear-wrenching action that was never intended to happen and for which few if any were prepared. done right, homeschooling produces wonderful fruit and i would back that up by saying a number on this list have met all or most of my children so i'd put my money where my mouth is, so to speak.
February 9th, 2021 at 7:49 AM ^
Yes but Hollywood depicts homeschooling exactly how it is in real life, right?
February 9th, 2021 at 8:24 AM ^
never saw the movie or that clip before. that was pretty funny.
here are some of the more notable homeschoolers:
February 9th, 2021 at 3:06 PM ^
Given the abundance of misinformation on the internet, particularly about the origins of the US, I would like to note that none of these people were homeschooled in the sense that their parents voluntarily kept them out of organized school and directer their educations personally.
Both Washington and Lincoln attended a local school when possible. When Washington's father died, the family did not have enough money to afford school and George was required by his mother to stay at home and run the household. Lincoln's family was poor and he needed to work to support them rather than attending school. There is no evidence in either case that any formal education was provided at home. When they were not in school both men could probably be better described as self taught.
Jefferson started attending school at 5. He was in no sense home schooled.
Theodore Roosevelt was privately taught by the best tutors his family's immense fortune could buy.
Whatever one thinks of homeschooling, it is neither the simplest or most obvious solution this particular problem or, for a variety of reasons, an option available to most parents.
February 9th, 2021 at 4:40 PM ^
All four of these incredible gentlemen were homeschooled for substantial parts of their young lives, and it matters not the “why“of how they ended up being homeschooled. The fact is that it was a common part of American life, and indeed what is generally called the Hebraic method, the children receive education at home. None of them showed up at any organized formal school and had to be taught, for instance, how to read.
Beyond that, the more important part about homeschooling, more than just the ABC’s, is the character training that kids usually don’t get much of in a government school.
February 9th, 2021 at 7:29 AM ^
Hmm, saying something is a good idea = me suggesting that one should drag their screaming and crying child away from her friends. I homeschooled until my kids wanted to go to public school. And they are still alive. Nothing is more puzzling than the resentment that non homeschool parents have towards anyone that speaks positively about homeschooling.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:36 PM ^
I would continue to attempt to contact the officials at the school and hold my daughter home until they resolve the situation. If the school drags their feet or does not contact you by tomorrow, I’d call the police to get a report filed and ensure the school is taking it seriously. I would also consider getting an attorney for when they catch the asshole.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:36 PM ^
Yes, they should've notified you immediately. They should also have called the police. Tomorrow, I would either call the school first thing or show up in the principal's office and calmly demand some answers. Let them know you will be on this and you will call the police if they don't. There's no need to create a scene but just make sure they understand you will not be letting this go. I am so sorry this happened to your daughter.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:35 PM ^
This is my honest thoughts about the matter as a father of a middle school daughter and as a teacher. First, someone your daughter trusts needs to talk to her to find out how she is feeling and let her know that it was not her fault, and that she is cared for. After that conversation is over, I would teach her a few simple arm grapples from MMA so she can defend herself.
From a school perspective, the consequences for something like this are going to be major, and the school needs to be sure they have all the information needed to move forward. They are going to need evidence, in the form of video cameras, and possibly eye witness accounts. It sounds like they want to make sure they have the complete story before they let you know. Having said that, they should have let you know by the end of the day.
One last advice from a parent and a teacher. You have every right to be concerned and upset. If you would like to call the school, that would be a great idea. I am not sure how many schools allow outside visitors or parents in the building, so that should be taken into consideration. Lastly, and most importantly, if you go into school, it will be important to be firm but calm. An upset but calm parent will be listened to and sympathized with. If you go in yelling and screaming, you may be getting yourself into more trouble than you would like.
February 9th, 2021 at 1:44 PM ^
That’s not how educational law works.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:37 PM ^
If my daughter came home and told me someone sexual assaulted her I would call the cops immediately and tell them to hurry up and arrest the kid before I put him in the hospital.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:37 PM ^
Call the cops now. Your daughter was assaulted. It doesn't matter whether the school did their job or not.
And maybe seek out an attorney tomorrow morning. You may need it with regards to the school. Hopefully you won't, but always prepare for the worst.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:40 PM ^
1) That poor girl.
2) The school should have called you.
3) Call a lawyer.
4) This is not the place to get legal advice for such a sensitive matter.
February 8th, 2021 at 9:07 PM ^
A comment on #4:
Our OP can probably assume that s/he is anonymous here.
There are educated professionals of several stripes in the audience. I'm pretty sure a couple of lawyers have already participated.
I'd feel comfortable pitching something like that to this group. Why not? It's not necessarily the OP's primary resource.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:41 PM ^
I would definitely be consulting a college sports blog about my daughter being sexually assaulted.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:44 PM ^
Gonna throw this out there.
We are all stressed out about the world and our lives right now. Many of us are isolated. There is a certain camaraderie on the board here, and it is possible some people have no one else to talk to about these things and just need to talk to someone. Anyone. Sometimes the anonymity is a mild bonus since people you know can make things more complicated. If that makes sense.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:53 PM ^
There are at least a few attorneys on this board with knowledge of the criminal justice system that I think would call out any inappropriate recommendations. It's not the worst place in the world to ask for advice.
February 9th, 2021 at 9:11 AM ^
Not to mention a number of educators and administrators who are familiar with typical policies and best practices for these sorts of incidents in a school setting and can provide that point of view.
There may even be law enforcement who can provide their perspectives.
February 8th, 2021 at 8:53 PM ^
An anonymous blog full of grown men who are mostly UofM educated isn't the worst place in the world to get advice. Despite how this place can get heated and toxic at certain sports and political issues, there are people here who know their stuff
February 8th, 2021 at 9:17 PM ^
If you've spent any time on this blog you know it is full of educated people. Many who work in the education or legal fields. Also, after I talked to my daughter this afternoon she went back to her mother's house as we have 50/50 custody and I have been sitting here alone ever since just getting more angry about the situation. As I have seen some of the members of this board give good advice in many different areas I figured why not pose the question and maybe ease my mind a little.