OT - Avoid Confrontation or Call the Person/Group Out

I’m always wary about confrontation in situations where alcohol is involved. For one, all your inhibitions and reasoning skills go out the window, and two, you have no idea who you’re dealing with. Do they have a gun? Are they carrying a knife? You just don’t know. 

My brother has a friend who’s younger brother got killed over a simple argument at a bar with a stranger. Everyone had been drinking, someone says something about someone else’s girlfriend, now everyone is stepping in and the situation is escalating exponentially, and then boom. Someone pulled a knife on the kid, stabbed him in the stomach. To my understanding, he died before the paramedics even had a chance to get there.

I’m not saying racist behavior should be tolerated, but confronting random, drunken strangers who are already acting belligerently usually is not a recipe for good things to happen. If you want to go over and tell them to stop, that’s fine. But when/if they get in your face, tell you to STFU, fight them, etc., just walk away. No matter how many times they call you a pussy, no matter how hard it is to do or if they start talking shit about your wife too. Pay your bill, talk to the manager about your experience, and leave. You never who know who the fuck you’re dealing with.

Your life is infinitely more important than your pride. I think your parents would rather you still be alive the next morning than having flowers sent to their home and preparing arrangements for your funeral.

In situations folks are extremely intoxicated it’s likely even more prudent to not confront. 

But…just don’t dip your toe in. If you confront someone like that, be prepared for violence and the repercussions of said violence. That is likely your litmus test on if you should intervene or not (even if you are 100% in the right). 

Should have gone all Step Brothers on them....

Seriously, like others have said the management should have been alerted to this inappropriate and disgusting behavior.  

That's a tough one. When my wife and I moved to Ohio, we continued playing bar trivia, which is something we'd done in the Ann Arbor area for close to a decade. We started playing a weekly game at the bar closest to us. One week, as cold weather was bringing more people inside, there was some of that (no N-word, but a lot of anti-just about everything else) coming from a couple of teams. Saying something to our waitress just generated a "you're not from around here" look.

We probably should have quit that week, but we had amassed enough gift cards from the games that it seemed like a waste. The next week, the place was more crowded, a group playing pool in one area, smoking inside, much louder and more obnoxious, looking for confrontation. They seemed to be trying to "impress" the woman running the trivia, who was clearly uncomfortable and wasn't having any success talking to the person who appeared to be managing the restaurant.

So we stopped going, noticed online that the woman running that game apparently quit that week as well. By the time we decided to try other games elsewhere, COVID was starting to close bars. I'm pretty sure that one never reopened - it was in a strip mall that was already half-shuttered by 2019, but there's a lot of that kind of thing in this area (we're in Canton).

I don't think confrontation is the right approach. If you notice it, surely the bar management notices it. And if they don't proactively handle it, out of fear or simply not wanting to piss off the people who bring in their revenue, all you'll end up doing is putting yourself at risk. Best to walk away and not go back.

I was in the Bronx like 5 years ago and witnessed teenage kids of all races call everyone the N-word like it was no big deal. I was told that is normal in the Bronx. Go figure 

Just leave. Outnumbered is never good. Not worth it. 

Every situation is different, but it sounds challenging to confront 4 - 5 drunk men. Here are some possible suggestions.

• Possibly call police . . . if they can surreptitiously or in plain clothes observe and confirm the N-words, etc., they have the authority and ability to confront and call out the behavior.
• The very word "confront" has connotations that are challenging, but not inherent. More specifically, in some contexts, you can politely "request" the N-bombs and speech change out of respect for children, or girlfriends, or wives, or the general environment. I have seen some contexts where this works.
• Because of youtube and social media, to have a clear video and audio recording that is posted provides a strong dose of accountability and shame. I wouldn't be surprised if wives, children, girlfriends, and parents of this group of guys would be very unhappy at this behavior, and would quickly and severely call it out. If you have your boss, or girlfriend, or mom tell you how embarrassed and upset and disappointed they are, it can have a significant future affect on what is said.
• Of course, like all businesses, the bar is there for the money. And they didn't say anything because they want ALL the possible customers, and all the possible money from these drunk guys. Letting the management know that you are leaving, and you're not ever coming back, helps them to understand that allowing this kind of behavior is ultimately going to hurt their bottom line. So many decisions are ultimately financial. If it is bad for business, they will stop this in the future.

The thing that is perhaps saddest is that even if this kind of behavior wasn't happening in public, it still would be happening internally. Not only do I not speak this way in public, I don't speak this way in private, and I don't "think" this way. And it is sad that there are many people who still do.

I'm a little woman who has the psyche of a large man. I will get in someone's face for acting badly but in today's world, there's just no knowing who may be armed or carrying some kind of weapon, or who would immediately resort to violence, which isn't going to solve this, and could land you in jail or the hospital. So I think what everyone else has said -- take it up with management -- is the smartest way to handle this. We don't want to be reading about you in the paper. 

Bo Harbaugh: Sorry to hear about that incident. Thanks for posting, though. I've seen lots of thoughtful, reasonable replies.

Leaving a smoking hole where the jackasses were sitting would have been ideal, but as many have noted you need to play the long game.

First Amendment free speech is not implicated unless the government is doing the restricting.  In your setting, I would find management (anonymously) and request they instruct them to settle down or leave.

Shoot ‘‘em in the face

You did the sensible thing, just leave and find a better atmosphere. 

Those people were looking for confrontation. To engage them is not a good idea especially these days.

Glad you found a nicer venue. 

I would let management know and if they failed to do anything, I would leave. I would post something about this on several of the apps sites for restaurant ratings. If I was with a bunch of my big college friends back in the day, we would definitely confront this group.

Video the act with their faces and post.

In situations such as this, it is sometimes wise to ask the question "What would The Hound do?"

Tell them talkers make you thirsty then finish their drinks. Flip the table then best them in combat. Once that is done, finally, you eat all of their chicken.

I don't know what type of bar you were in but honestly, some places are just shitholes.  And they're shitholes because they either don't discourage behavior from customers like that or simply have low standards of customer service.  From your description of how long it went on, the place is a shithole.  I just wouldn't go back and would probably post a negative review online.  (which they probably never read)

confronting a group of angry drunks is never a good idea

this is why most places have bouncers, unfortunately that place didn't have any it sounds like

you made the right choice - complain to the management then move.

This is not a difficult decision in this day and age at all. They were drunk, and someone very likely was carrying (at least a knife but a nonzero chance of a gun). To confront in this situation would be ridiculous. Confrontation would perhaps lead to a hospital visit or worse.

Best to leave, despite the perceived shot to your manhood. Remove yourself from the situation and complain to the manager.

I appreciate that you said something to the management and left. It is their responsibility to make sure all their patrons are happy and comfortable. I would also leave a review on Google and any other rating site and call out the bar for not dealing with it. That said, it goes without saying to be careful AF in bars and other situations with belligerent, racist drunks. 

Was it more upsetting than your GF and wife being at the same table!?!

/S

Which Flanigans were you at??

In public, tell the manager. If the situation is not addressed, take your business elsewhere.  At sporting events, tell security if it is overly abusive like the situation described. I would trust professionals to handle the issue, as they are usually more trained and have more authority.

What’s the downside to calling the cops?  They are creating a dangerous situation because if you don’t confront them, someone else (even management) might and then things could turn ugly. 

Have never hung out in a place where people are saying stuff like that (borderline yelling), where the hell were you OP?

I'm usually the drunk asshole. I like to shout at people at Chillis every Tuesday night.

Confronting them would not have changed their minds/hearts/behavior. But it could have gotten you beat up/knifed/shot. You can't change everyone. People change when they want to. Nor is it your responsibility to police the bar for the other patrons. Many times I've wanted to be like Jason Statham, but then I remember that he's playing a role in a movie.  

Have actually been in a somewhat similar situation on several occasions: alone, with my wife, and once with my younger son. On each occasion, I quietly asked my server to pack up my/our meals and we left after settling the tab and telling the manager that we would not return and why.

The next day, I called the owner, explained what happened and the need to train his staff to control the environment better. These steps are what I urge you and our fellow MGBloggers to do, if at all possible. You may be willing to let it go but if other patrons decide to act and confront, violence can erupt and spread to the entire room/setting.

Avoid confronting. Leave. Reading the above posts, I'm happy to see same/similar suggestions to leave.

Am I a coward? I don't think so. Neither are you. For myself? I am just trying to avoid an uncontrolled, drunken, potentially volatile, unpredictable setting. Do everything possible to stay safe.

Full disclosure: family is licensed to carry concealed and trained to do everything possible to avoid having to use deadly force. Retreat, do not respond in any way unless one is sure of imminent, inescapable personal harm.

I'll let the lawyers chime in, should they choose ...

Sounds like to me you handled it the proper way… Not sure confrontation is ever the option in this case especially if alcohol is involved. Now if it is in a conversation with a coworker or someone else where you can have a serious conversation and educate someone exhibiting this behavior you have to address it or you will be or run the risk of guilt or complicit by association. I have absolutely zero time for this behavior. TBH the management should have tossed those clowns… SMH