Public Service Announcement: now that Iowa is a future opponent, that means they can be added to Opponent Watch! We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious…Opponent Watch. Iowa is as frightening as many things in this world, most of them hilarious, and we need to know about it! Just sayin’.

 

Intro:

Praise be the Football Gods, Iowa’s regular season is over. Next up is MICHIGAN in the B1G Championship Game, and then The [Somewhere] Fightin’ [Somebodies] in the Placeholder Bowl (my kingdom for an Iowa-USC matchup…). 

There have been a lot of ‘adaptations’ of the 1977 Stephen King short story “Children of the Corn.” I’m pretty sure everyone agrees that the 1984 movie was the best (hello Linda Hamilton!), but as far as I know nobody can agree which one is the worst. I’d personally submit the 2009 version as the absolute nadir of the ‘franchise’. Until now.

“Children of the Corn: Iowa Football (2023)” doesn’t have an IMDB entry yet, but the basic premise is that the demon He Who Walks Behind The Rows, who lives in the cornfields of Iowa but also travels with the team for road games, demands the sacrifice of anyone who intends to score more than 25 points per game in the season. “Offensive” “Coordinator” “Brian” Ferentz stars as the hero desperately trying to keep his players alive by sandbagging the offense, but we see various Hawkeyes disappear into the cornfields as they start to score more.

I was going to make a joke about how, in a twist ending, the entire audience dies of boredom…but if we can survive the 2009 Children of the Corn, we can survive 2023 Iowa Football. The season isn’t over yet. Brian Ferentz still has the opportunity to put up points before the demon takes him. But I think we can all agree that He Who Walks Behind the Rows has won this one...and that everyone who watched the games has lost.

Week 13 Update

One-Sentence* Summary:

The final couple minutes of this game were Peak Iowa Football. Ferentz The Younger, recognizing that every single dropback in this game was a scoring opportunity for the OTHER team, had Deacon Hill deliberately (you will never convince me that this wasn’t the plan…) throw a very safe interception with no return afterwards. Nebraska, knowing that there’s no way they’d win in OT, tried to win in regulation. That means passing. That means Chubba Purdy, once and future Nebraska QB, throwing the ball DIRECTLY to an Iowa linebacker, with a solid return afterwards. That means a game-winning Iowa “drive” that mostly had the goal of “one run then center the football and let the kicker win it”. Game Iowa. Just like you draw it up.

Iowa-Nebraska is all about corn bragging rights, and the annual football game to determine whose corn is better resulted in a clear decision: Iowa corn over Nebraska corn, 13-10. Why Iowa-Nebraska doesn’t have the Corn Rows Trophy, I’ll never know. Missed opportunity guys. The Deacon wrapped his regular season by passing 11/28 for a gentleman’s 94 yards and an INT. I’d say that their 163 rushing yards carried the day for Iowa…except for their somehow-still-standing defense, who just need a nap, just a short nap, then they’ll be good to go again.

Here’s a fun fact: Old Frenemy “Leading Receiver” Erick All, out for the last 5 games, STILL leads the Hawkeyes in receiving yards and TD receptions. Luke Lachey, out for the last 9 games, is STILL second in yardage.

Stop, Stop! He’s Already Dead

Once again, I’m going to gibber at the O/U for this game: 24.5. Result: under.

That’s 3 points lower than the previous “lowest line in the history of college football”, 27.5, which was set just 2 weeks ago vs. Rutger. Which ITSELF was 3 points lower than the previous record, 30.5, which Iowa set TWICE this year. Which itself was 1 point lower than the previous record, 31.5 which Iowa set twice (and Army equaled once lol) over the past two years.

Iowa has delivered on the Under for every single one of those games. Including this one! But considering that a single additional point by either Iowa or Nebraska would have hit the Over, I think Vegas has FINALLY figured out Iowa: record-setting lack of scoring.

Oooh here’s some fun math: if Iowa scores LESS than 32 points over their next two games, their PPG average will be LOWER than last year! Do we think they have 32 points or more in them? [I didn’t know this until right now, but last year both Rutgers and Northwestern scored LESS than Iowa. Oof. Oooooof.]

Punting is Winning

It took me literally all season to realize that this section should have been titled “punting is winning” all along. Sorry about that. So let’s catch up on Iowa’s punting/winning stats: 80 punts for 3803 yards. That’s 847 more punt yards than offensive yards. (The NCAA gives Iowa credit for 1 more punt and about 37 more yards than Sports Reference does. Weird.)

Iowa is the puntingest team in College Football, 436 yards ahead of the runner-up Navy. If punting is winning, Iowa wins running…er…punting away.

RB Receptions are Moneyball, Dammit

Iowa won this game because of the 3 receptions for 21 yards that went to their RBs. This is fact. Don’t worry about context. It is known.

On the season, Iowa’s 144 RB receiving yards is slightly less than 2/3 of Donovan Edwards’ production.

One-Phase Football

BACK IN THE SADDLE! The Iowa defense regains their rightful place as King of Gondor (at the expense of Michigan dropping to second – I guess everyone needs a good Regent and you could do worse than Faramir, Captain of Gondor, who showed his quality many times), and the Iowa offense hits a season-low 124th in the nation. A 123-place SP+ Gap would have sole possession of 4th in the “Most Mismatched Offenses and Defenses in College Football History” standings. Guys. Guys. This might be happening.

Hey, It Could Be Worse

It WILL be worse. Iowa is definitely going to exit the Championship Game with a worse offensive rating than they have now. And defensive rating. HARD dose of reality on the horizon.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Nebraska, with an SP+ Gap of 114, and “Inverse Iowa” USC with an SP+ Gap of 108. Ohio (NTO) and “Inverse Iowa” North Texas round out the collection of teams with SP+ Gaps greater than 100. Gotta hand it to North Texas as the spiritual True Inverse Iowa: they have the absolute worst defense in all of college football.

I will, however, continue to pound the table for an Iowa-USC bowl game.