Win Will Cause Me To/Loss Will Cause Me To Northwestern Edition
After a week away the butt clenching of an undefeated college football season returns and so does another round of "Win Will Cause Me To/Loss Will Cause Me to."
My leadoff:
Win will cause me to: Start clenching the buttocks a week ahead of time
Loss will cause me to: See about which purple drinks are most intoxicating
Nebraska inspired some strong entries but like real football there can only be one winner. Apologies to any Scott Frost like posters out there looking for a moral win. The winner for the week is markusr2007.
Washington Winner:
Win will cause me to: Have a nice big pour of Basil Hayden, open all the windows, and blast the fight song.
Loss will cause me to: Shut off all the lights, still a big pour of Basil Hayden, and then probably wont leave the house for a week or so.
NIU Winner:
Win will cause me to: get irrationally excited about a less daunting B1G schedule than anticipated
Loss will cause me to: look under the bed for Rocky Lombardi
Rutgers Winner:
Win: I'll take a big steamy dump
Loss: same as a win but it will be in my pants
Wisconsin Winner:
Win: take back all the mean things I’ve said about the coach with respect to the Rutgers gameplan
Loss: rip my soul into seven pieces and having those seven piece latch onto 7 random objects so I can liver forever in pain and agony
Nebraska Winner:
Win: Jump up and down like Pat Fitzgerald did on the 2013 sideline vs Michigan moments before his soul left his body.
Loss: Officially change my name to CORNelius Karo, and then start a speaking tour of American high schools across the land persuading and encouraging kids, and anyone who will listen, to adopt a high corn, high carb, high fructose corn-syrup diet until parents lash out in anger, beat me up and run me out of town on a rail.
October 22nd, 2021 at 7:27 PM ^
Win will cause me to shout "Hooray!" in my Bluey voice (Aussie kids show):
Loss will cause me to play The Purple People Eater by Sha Na Na on repeat until my family yells at me.
October 22nd, 2021 at 7:44 PM ^
Bluey!
such a great show.
October 22nd, 2021 at 7:33 PM ^
Win will cause me to shrug my shoulders and have a mild smirk. (I look forward to a return to the time when wins against teams like NW are highly expected, and no big deal.)
I cannot conceive of a loss. It would be impossible for Michigan to lose. Given the pain of the last 20 years, a loss would cause me to stop watching football possibly/probably for the rest of the season.
(Note: I also cannot conceive of a loss to MSU, although for different reasons. However, as much as I dislike PSU and hate OSU, a loss to either would not be quite as devastating.)
October 22nd, 2021 at 7:33 PM ^
Win will cause me check how obnoxiously giddy MSU fans get to play us.
Loss will cause me to wack off 4 times by bedtime to keep my mind off of things.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:09 PM ^
Those are rookie numbers
October 22nd, 2021 at 7:36 PM ^
WIN will cause me to officially kickoff the Sparty Hate week by incessantly provoking my sister, who is an MSU prof.
Lose - ain't even going there, because it ain't happening
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:49 PM ^
For a school that doesn't even require algebra as a part of the core curriculum for a 4 year degree, what are the qualifications to be a prof there?
October 22nd, 2021 at 10:04 PM ^
AYFS?
October 23rd, 2021 at 12:04 AM ^
Are you under the impression that Michigan requires an algebra class to graduate? I ended up doing some algebra during my stats and econ classes but it was hardly a core part of my Michigan degree.
October 23rd, 2021 at 10:00 AM ^
I graduated from the engineering school and never took algebra.
October 23rd, 2021 at 12:05 AM ^
You should ask her how she likes working in the cafeteria for free
October 22nd, 2021 at 7:47 PM ^
A loss will cause me to play more golf and do more work around the farm. And just like always-with a loss...not watch any replays.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:08 PM ^
When I read the title I saw "A loss will cause me to Northwestern."
Seems appropriate.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:09 PM ^
A win will cause me to realize we have nice things such as a 7 and 0, 4 & 0 football season, and cause me to look forward even more to "Hide yo couches" week and the game at MSU.
A loss will cause me to ponder and reflect on why we can't have nice things all the time, and remind myself its just college football, then look forward to "Hide yo couches"week and the game at Sparty.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:09 PM ^
Win: knowingly shrug
Lose: cry, lose my temper and look at my young kids with shame as I try to explain my behavior.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:11 PM ^
Win: Nothing
Lose: Taketh everything!
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:13 PM ^
A win will cause me to: probably just go about my day as we're really supposed to win this one quite handily.
A loss will cause me to: turn to my wife, a Northwestern alumna, and ask her how this is possible.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:14 PM ^
Win: Sigh with relief and begin to worry about Michigan State.
Loss: Sigh with disappointment and begin to worry about Michigan State.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:16 PM ^
Win will cause me to feel a vague sense of satisfaction that's only barely noticeable before I flip over to the 3:30 games and start respekting Sparty.
Loss will cause me to curse the Illinois General Assembly for their foresight in establishing such a fine University and to drink heavily, at least to the extent that one can do so while only consuming light beer and hard seltzer.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:39 PM ^
Win: eat all the good candy
Lose: eat all the candy corn
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:52 PM ^
Candy corn is good candy.
October 23rd, 2021 at 7:54 AM ^
People who like candy corn are defective.
October 23rd, 2021 at 9:00 AM ^
That makes one of us.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:39 PM ^
Win will cause me to: Praise Michael Barrett, for making this part of the Grand Plan.
Loss will cause me to: Curse Michael Barrett, for making this part of the Grand Plan.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:47 PM ^
Wrong thread.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:49 PM ^
Win will cause me to do my Happy Dance.
Loss will cause me to do my dance in front of Northwestern fans, thereby searing their eyeballs.
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:53 PM ^
Win will cause me to: post a couple of couches for sale on Lansing Craigslist and treat the potential buyers with great disrespekt
Loss will cause me to: actually sell the couch and the TV used to watch football
October 22nd, 2021 at 8:59 PM ^
Win will cause me to say something that’s totally a SICK BURN of Michigan State to internet high-fives.
A loss will cause me to say something insulting about Michigan State in such a way that reveals that I lash out because I’m hurting inside.
October 22nd, 2021 at 9:38 PM ^
Win will cause me to: Tell Northwestern fans we are better nerds both on and off the field
Loss will cause me to: Play Purple Rain in a loop
October 22nd, 2021 at 10:19 PM ^
W: On to East Landfill
L: Fire your babysitters!!
October 22nd, 2021 at 10:22 PM ^
Win: will cause me to stab my eye out in excitement!
Loss: will cause me to stab my eye out in agony
October 22nd, 2021 at 10:28 PM ^
Win - turn my attention to the next game.
Lose - re-evaluate how bad the App St loss really was.
October 22nd, 2021 at 10:29 PM ^
Win will cause me to double check to see if we covered the spread.
Loss will cause me to cancel my plans with my State friends for next weekend.
October 22nd, 2021 at 10:56 PM ^
Win will cause me to: Overtake Ass
Loss will chase me to: Overtake Ass
October 22nd, 2021 at 11:06 PM ^
Win will cause me to applaud Seth for removing McNamera's Cyan Circle
Loss will cause me to curse (at) Seth for removing McNamera's Cyan Circle
October 22nd, 2021 at 11:42 PM ^
A win will: Cause me to go about my day.
A loss will: Fucking puke.
Sorry, I tried to write a poem about this, but couldn't. And Fuck Cow.
October 23rd, 2021 at 12:25 AM ^
Win will cause me to burn everything I own that’s green to commence staee week.
Loss will cause me to add all the purple shit in the neighborhood to the pile of green things already doused with gasoline.
October 23rd, 2021 at 2:57 AM ^
A win will make me continue to watch Michigan games every Saturday.
A loss will make me think Harbaugh should start JJ and get him ready for next season. On nice days, I doubt I will waste my time watching this team.
October 23rd, 2021 at 9:23 AM ^
Win will cause me to: sire a brood of progeny named Pat, Fitz, and Gerald.
Loss will cause me to: inhabit Frankl's existential vacuum until I smoke my medication.
October 23rd, 2021 at 10:09 AM ^
Losing will cause me to: Grind my teeth and go in search of my mouth guard, all the while bemoaning the upcoming jeers of the Sparties as 'State week' ramps up, and worrying about the State game...
Winning will cause me to: Be happy and turn my thoughts *finally, officially* to State week, with my psyche in shape, and somehow, unambiguously, held high as well.
October 23rd, 2021 at 4:40 PM ^
Fuck. I missed it.
Anyway, we're back to the point where a win doesn't mean much of anything. This team is what it is and it's a matter if it can take up another notch.
A win makes you feel like the floor is a Citrus Bowl team. Otherwise, it's back to thinking 8-4ish.