OT: Handling sobriety

I had a friend in similar situation.  He appeared to handle everything okay until he got too drunk on a work trip to Vegas and charged a lot of stuff to the corporate card that got him fired.  Thankfully he went straight into AA and has been sober ever since.  I guess you never know when you are going to cross the line into something that changes your life and impacts your family.

I really like beer, but I've found that a lot of the times "I want a beer" is not "I want alcohol".

0% beers have come a long way recently in actually tasting like real beer instead of water. I personally like Athletic Brewing Company. Especially boating, when I feel like I always need to have a beer in my hand, they're a great solution/aid. I try to pack the cooler half real, half 0%.  And if you feel social pressure to be drinking, their cans look like any other random IPA can, especially if you use a koozie.

Everyone has to make their own decisions.

You sound like me but with more cannabis use. Maybe you made the decision because you saw a trend maybe not.

I know that most of the trouble I have been in (not to serious) included alcohol. I also know I’ve had a pretty damn good and entertaining life.

I’m not sure my answer helps but there is no stigma to living sober and people respect it.

I had a psych professor at Michigan who revealed that she had a glass of wine or two every night at dinner. She asked if we thought she was an alcoholic. She also revealed that she couldn't NOT have the wine. She was dependent on that one glass. She concluded that she was an alcoholic, though not in the sense that we normally define them. Obviously it wasn't doing physical damage, but she was worried about the psychological dependence. It made me think differently about substance dependence. As a former smoker who smoked 2 packs a day by the time I was 20 (I quit at that point), I never wanted to feel that grip again. I get that sense of not wanting to go back after having made it as far as you have. I experienced that when I quit smoking. I think that tells you that you were worried that you may have been on the precipice of becoming dependent (or were already there?) and you didn't want to go there. 

I've psychologically turned myself off of it. I really don't get anything out of drinking anymore so I stopped. The fun/upside has not been worth the hangover for about 15 years now. Plus, my hangovers are just basically all-day anxiety attacks now which is not fun. 

I really cut back a while ago but made a conscious decision to stop altogether in early April. I've stuck to that for the most part: I've only drank on about 5-6 occasions since then, and only got mildly drunk about 3 times. THe last time was on the 4th of July: I drank 5 beers over the course of 3 hours or so and just got depressed as hell so I stopped. No alcohol since then. 

I'm having some pretty serious life problems lately and majorly struggling with anxiety and depression. But, I have no desire to drink eventhough I'm back home with family and friends at the moment. I just wish my body reacted better to the absence of alcohol and I lost more weight and my mental health improved more! But, overall I'm glad I haven't been drinking. I don't miss it. 

Congrats on 21 days.  Winter is long, and full of terrors, though.  My best advice - setbacks are going to happen.  Don’t let them bring down your spirit or beat yourself up too much.  You are fighting the good fight.

#1: Congratulations! Keep it up!

I quit drinking 6 years ago at age 46 when I dated a woman who didn't drink. I was never that big of a drinker anyway (3-5 pints of beers a week and a glass of wine at dinner once or twice a week) but dang did I lose some pounds that had been hanging around despite working out regularly and I've been able to keep it off. 

Congrats on the successful life and decision. I'm no expert, but it seems like you came to stop drinking from a good place: soberly, without any resistance or negative reasons to do so. I think it'll make it easier to stay sober, if you so choose. 

Hearing this from you is very relatable. I'm a little younger, not yet married with kids, but I can see how you describe yourself, binge drinking a bit too much, in myself. I think it's under control but also I see less of a point in pushing close to the edge. 

If you're looking for motivation to stay sober other than sobriety itself, the most recent Dr. Huberman Lab podcast episode was on the effects of alcohol, and it was a bit of a wake up call to me. My biggest takeaway was the damage alcohol does to the body, particularly mental health. One drink can disrupt sleep and increase cortisol levels. For me, that is scary enough to maybe cut back all the way to one drink a month or less. I only listened on Monday so I'm still thinking on it but leaning towards stopping at some point. The health reasons may or may not resonate with you, but I thought it was worth sharing. 

Check the stickied thread above. There is more info there if you haven't read it.

Anywho. You sound a lot like me, but 10 years ago. It's almost uncanny. But over time, alcohol and drugs (opioids) became a huge problem. To the point that I woke up on my 40th birthday to paramedics reviving me in my basement after I fell at around 3:30 AM. The next thing I remembered was being admitted to the hospital in a C-collar and a heart monitor. There was a few hours in the ER that I don't remember.

That was Jan 14th 2021. Even that didn't stop me from resuming my same lifestyle after 13 days in the hospital (7 of which were in the Psych inpatient. I went from there to an inpatient rehab facility in Brighton for 13 more days. So I was away from my wife/home for almost a month. I stealthily drank the day I got home and continued daily drinking again and popping pills even more frequently.

Fast forward to September 4th of 2021. I spent my only night in jail due to substance abuse related crimes. On September 4th 2022, I will celebrate 1 year sober. And I couldn't be more proud of myself.

In 1985, I walked into a noon meeting at the Alano club in Ann Arbor and I've managed to not drink for 13,750 days (according to this app on my phone). Since then I have raised a family, put 4 kids though college,  cobbled together a professional career, and I've experienced all the highs and lows of an ordinary life.   For me total abstinence is the only way. I don't imagine for an instant that what is right for me is the right thing for you. Just know that if you truly desire sobriety, but it eludes you,  there are plenty of people like me that have found a way. It can be done. 

Obligatory "Sobriety is for quitters."

If it helps I will gladly take any single malt scotch off your hands.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I have a very unfulfilling career, a ton of credit card debt, no friends within the same time zone, two kids in therapy, and an amicable, if mostly sex-less, marriage.

As a result, I drink every day, mostly out of sheer boredom. Not a ton but typically 1-2 beers or glasses of wine while watching sitcom reruns. It's the only time I laugh, the only time I experience anything approaching what one might call "joy." 

I basically hate my life. So I drink for a momentary respite from hating this life. I know it'll put me in an early grave, but the benefit of that would be the life insurance payout allowing my wife to retire and my kids to finish college debt free.

Now, understand, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I've made a lot of bad choices (including a suicide attempt 20 years ago) and can accept the present circumstances for the consequences of said choices that they are. I'm just saying that if the rest of your life is as worry-free as you claim, relax, and have a drink on me. Or don't.

As someone who has been negatively affected by some form of substance abuse since the day I was born -- me and mom got thrown around pretty good when I was younger, resulting in injuries that required hospitalization, not to mention the mental impact, I've been homeless because of other's actions, and had a failed marriage due to a wife's SA problems...

...congrats on the mindfulness and wanting to do something.  Best wishes to you on your journey.

There is also some potentially problematic language in your post too.  tl;dr sobriety is a one day at a time battle.  It never ends.  Sobriety doesn't make compromises... e.g, I'm drinking way too much so I'll just cut back and do something else instead or I'll do a "sober" binge for a month.

...and the lion's share of participants at AA meetings have all said prior to their first AA meeting that they didn't need to go to meetings.

Happy to chat some more.

Hang in there! 

I have an issue and unfortunately, even though college football began as a wholesome childhood passion, my issue has co-opted everything in my life and even dear CFB has become a trigger. So while I am trying to make progress, I imagine it difficult, as all my passions have become supplementary to use.

Its difficult when we hide it - I’m a recent graduate with two good jobs, but the Covid time did a number on me, and I’ve crippled my development as an individual and of course selfishness is the primary manifestation of addiction, so I dislike what I’ve become there. Yet people only see that I’ve become lesser of late, not knowing the affliction. 

For anyone know the board who can share some tips on how to address maintains passions while fighting the good fight, I’d love to hear.

This thread is another reminder of why I love this board / community.

Thanks to everyone for sharing.

Hobbies are the best way to keep you distracted on if you’re trying quit something. 
 

2012- senior year of college and I’m out partying EVERY night. Track team mon and Thursday. Football - tues through Saturday. My only “off nights” were Wednesday(occasionally)  and Sunday. Well, once the curtain called for my college career, I noticed I couldn’t sleep without having an ounce of alcohol or I would binge drink thurs through Sunday with little to no hangovers whatsoever. Had shakes when I went long without it. Luckily, I was living with the rents after college so they sat me down and was genuinely concerned. It took almost a year for me to get back to “normal”. Wasn’t full blown alcoholism but if it weren’t for my parents or acknowledgment of issues I was having, it would turn out different for me. 
 

COVID and my job caused a lot of stress and alas, picked up edibles. Love them. But that too, I found myself becoming “addicted” to them. I know many people don’t believe there is some addiction to them, but as much as I love edibles, I disagree with that sentiment. During Covid was my heavy times. Pretty much ate one at night and enjoy the feeling because, being cooped up in the house, bored and worried about your job leaves you in a bad place. Once we were free, I wasn’t hanging out with my friends as much and continued to do it (though, I told myself I would stop once we could go back out). My intake got worse. I made a point to kick it. It was so bad, that I had insomnia for weeks. Attitude was messed up, whole 9 yards when you’re trying to get off it. I still continually to do it but cut down every day to the weekends and eventually just wanting to do it Friday and Sunday. 
 

I know it wasn’t full blown dependency, but there was definitely abuse. What helped me overcome, were instilling parameters. My rules: 1. If I need to sleep with some sort of drug, I need to cut back regardless the short term outcome. 2. No drinks at home/drink by myself 3. Sobriety on the weekdays.

edibles helped kick my taste for alcohol as the hangovers are awful now and not worth it. Sounds like we have the same notion and that your counter acts as a rule. I’d try to keep it as close as possible to avoid any spiraling effect. 

The sooner counter is a double edged sword. It helps some keep on track quite a bit. For others it's an excuse to binge if they screw up. I wouldn't fixate in days sober unless you're an alcoholic. Maybe days without any negative effects from alcohol? 

You might also consider times off from sobriety as a healthy alternative to times off from drinking. Lots of ways to approach this.

Man, just go to a 12 Step meeting and listen for the similar stories.  If you want to stay sober, can’t think of a better plan than a 12 Step program and working with a sponsor.  Every area of your life will improve.  That’s the only risk. 

I got sober during my Junior year in Ann Arbor.  I went to AA.  It saved my life and gave me a life beyond my wildest dreams.

I would suggest going to some meetings at the Ann Arbor Alano Club.  Its out at 995 North Maple.  You can find meeting day and times by Googling Huron Valley Area Intergroup.

Maybe I will see you out there at a meeting when I come to town for PSU and MSU!

Best wishes, lawlright. I hope everything goes well.

I intend for this related story to be lighthearted and not super serious: Years ago a co-worker of mine told me about his dad, who was a very high-functioning alcoholic who worked in real estate in the "Metroplex." (Dallas / Fort Worth ... not sure if it's still called that.)

He showed up to his 12-step meeting somewhere in DFW and wound up meeting a bunch of other high-functioning alcoholics in the same field. They stuck together, got through it, and stayed in personal and professional touch afterward.

I don't imagine it always works like that, but the story stayed with me.

I wish I had seen this thread earlier in the afternoon, but OP you've got a lot of solid advice and support here. As a professional psychologist I would offer the following:

1. Good for you, both in staying sober for a while and posting 'publicly' about it. It takes guts to say something out loud and write it down. You're now accountable to yourself and you made denial less available than it was before.

2. Successful long-term behavior change requires voluntarily owning the problem as your responsibility (not fault or self-blame). You've done that here and it's worth its weight in gold.

3. While there are plenty of 'cold turkey' quitting stories out in the world (we all know someone who did it), the research shows that they are rare and unique individuals who don't necessarily fit a profile. Most of us need help to change, not necessarily professional help but some kind of stable guidance and support. If and when you're ready I would encourage you to seek it out on your own terms to figure out what works for you.

4. You'll probably need to figure out your personal 'Why'--the reason(s) behind your apparent desire to cut down on alcohol, pot, whatever because, as you said in your post, at some point (may be already happening) you'll ask yourself 'What's the point?' In my experience that thought/question is often the beginning of giving up on behavior change, so it's very important to be able to answer the question when it occurs to you. Once again I'd recommend that you find help or guidance of some sort in order to identify why you think you might want to cut down or quit. No pressure but the sooner the better.

5. If by chance you give up on your behavior change attempt this time around, which happens to most of us along the road to change, try not to get too discouraged. Research shows that most successful substance quitters try something like 6-9 times before they succeed, depending on the substance. Sad but true. The cliche turns out to be the reality: It's a process.

Good luck and Godspeed brother.

I tend to believe anyone who feels they have to use a substance on a daily basis has at least the beginnings of an issue.

Going out once or twice a month and drinking with friends is not really an issue as long as you don't drive.

I have never used pot, but if you generally feel compelled to use it ever day, then you probably have at least a small addiction to it, even if it isn't "hurting" your life.  

I generally drink because I like the taste, not because I like the buzz, so it is pretty easy for me to drink/not drink at will.  If you are worried that you are/were too caught up in the buzz, then keep the sobriety going.  Maybe you will find a new balance going forward that you find fits your life better.

Good for you, Lawlright.  Alcoholism is strongly influenced by heredity and, if you're not comfortable calling it a disease, you can certainly call it malfunctioning neural chemistry.  I come from an family where my mother and brother drank a lot, and you could see after a couple of drinks how the facial musculature would change, the timber of the voice would change, and they would be off to the races.  For my part, I pretty much lost interest in anything but a social drink (1-2 a week) by the time I hit my mid 30's.  Some people get it (the disease), and some don't.

The point of this is that I've been married to a wonderful woman for 34 years and she's been sober for 32 of them.  It was a life choice for her - she could stay drunk or stay married.  As someone who has supported her choice of sobriety for the last 32 years, I have some observations as an outsider.

1) AA is a wonderful community resource.  Countless lives have been regained through the support of caring people who happen to be the only people who really grasp what a struggle recovery can be.

2) Talking about it and gaining the support of those closest to you is really important.  I've been supporting her and her circle of friends in recovery for a really long time, but I still don't really know what it's like to walk in their shoes.  All I can do is listen and not judge, I can't fix things.

3)  It's been a really rewarding experience for her, at least that's how she feels about it.  From my perspective, her live (and mine, too) has been greatly improved by escaping the clutches of that pernicious affliction.

Good luck, keep at it every day (and hour, if need be), and suspend judgement of yourself, so you can get to know who you really are.

"But now I'm randomly sober and it's quite conflicting. There are no forces pushing or pulling me either way, just me knowing that if I have a drink or a smoke, that counter goes back to 0."

I am curious as to how you wound up randomly sober in the first place.  Did you just decide to take a break and now that you're 3 weeks in you feel like you've got a bit of a commitment to it?  The rest of your post makes it seem like your drinking and cannabis use aren't causing any problems.  Am I missing something?  If it's something you really want to do then you're definitely on your way.  You're surely going to have some slip-ups, but in your case it seems like no big deal.

In my experience controlling drinking requires an examination of your social circles and the stress in your life from work and other things.  When I stopped hanging out with my drinking pals I stopped drinking as much.  Same thing with pot use.  However, I didn't really cut back on drinking until after I retired and then got used to having such a chill life.

I started drinking and smoking pot & tobacco when I was 9.  In my mid-teens I was drinking regularly and smoking pot daily along with 1/2 pack of smokes.  When I got to Ann Arbor I was drinking and getting high daily, and binge drinking somewhat regularly.  I was up to a pack a day of smokes.  I also began exploring hallucinogens, and became quite a fan of shrooms.  Daily drinking and pot use lasted throughout my 20s.  I most definitely could have applied myself better at school, and I regret that, but I managed to cobble together a decent career. 

In my 30s I smoked less pot but drinking remained a daily thing, with parties, bars and clubs providing regular binge opportunities. In my late 30s I seriously quit smoking tobacco for the first time and started running, eventually up to 75 miles/week. I was still drinking, but less than before, and I was beginning to really dislike the hangovers.

In my early 40s I bought a house, got married, and became a dad.  I stopped running as much and started smoking tobacco again.  Work became pretty stressful - good paying job that I hated - and I started drinking more.  In a mid-life crisis moment I quit smoking and started running again as a stress relief tool, but wound up tearing my meniscus bone-on-bone.  I upped my drinking again. 

Then, around age 50, I was made redundant.  I was kind of stunned, not sure what to do.  After a short and unsuccessful job search I realized that I had saved enough and didn't need to work, so I went full-FIRE and haven't looked back.  After a bit I realized that I was drinking much less, never smoking any pot, and not missing any of it.  I'm now in my mid-60s, my kid has moved away, and I barely drink at all. I haven't smoked pot in more than a decade.

So, if you're like me and you want to cut back on substance use, find ways to eliminate stress in your life and spend less time with your partying pals. 

I do drink about a quart of French Roast drip every day - I'll never give that up.

Best wished wherever this leads! And as an aside, it is refreshing to see so many supportive posts with no snark and no fighting!

As a father of a recovering alcoholic, it does my heart good to read so many "success" stories.

To everyone staying sober - Keep It Up. To anyone trying - Make It Happen. And for those who don't have any issues - enjoy responsibly!

People have made a lot of great points in this thread. And it's brave for people to say many of these things even if we are anonymous. 

I'll add this even if it's obvious: you don't need a reason to not drink or smoke. If you don't want to, don't. You don't have to drink any more than you have to eat at Wendy's (no offense to Wendy's, which I like).

Great topic.  Not sure where to start but here we go…

I’m 42 years old and drink one night per week (Friday or Saturday).  However, when I do drink, I go all out.  I’m of the mindset of if I’m going to drink, I’m going to “have fun.”  My excuse is that I don’t like to waste the calories or the sleepiness that comes from having just a couple.  I will say that with age, the hangovers are just getting really hard to deal with.  I have 3 kids, a wife and a pretty normal operating family.  When I’m hung over, I’m a piece of shit, lazy-ass sloth who doesn’t do anything with them.  Weather they care or not, I’m not sure but it is all too common that one of those days is Saturday or Sunday.  
Just this year, I have dabbled with the idea of giving up drinking for a while to see how it may or may not change my life.  My dad and grandpa were both full blown alcoholics.  My dad has been sober for 12 years.  It took a serious intervention with him to get things turned around but he caused a ton of hurt to my siblings and I and the thought of me doing that to any of my kids gives me straight up nausea.  I don’t believe we are cut from the same cloth but I still do wonder what could come of it if I were to give up the booze.  I have a wife who is not very supportive of this idea because she enjoys having a bottle of wine and chatting together.  She says that I’m not as fun and don’t open up if I don’t drink.  I don’t know what to make of that at all.  She’s probably correct lol but what do I do?  Thanks for reading.  

We have walked similar paths except I was not a cannabis user. I have been sober 11 years and one month. 

I commend you on your post. Would very much like to speak with you if interested and it can be arranged privately. 

Good luck and keep adding days as they are lived!

The amount of support and well wishes on this thread really makes me happy. Like I said above, I have nobody to reach out to. But as cliche as it sounds...we aren't alone in our daily struggles.

Awesome stuff! Keep it going if you can. I only  drink once or twice a month. Drinking can lead to an exhausting lifestyle. 

I drink vodka mixed drinks 7 days a week.  Mostly at night, starting after ~6pm up until bedtime.  Been doing this for about 15 years straight.  Wife is the same.  We are both successful and have a nice house, raising a well adjusted daughter.  I get a little buzzed after the first/second drink, but the buzz never elevates beyond that because we are drinking maybe one per hour on average.  We've thought many times about whether or not we both have a problem and we've determined that we do not.  We both know our limits and RARELY indulge in shots or any other type of "fast drinking" for the sake of getting poop-faced, falling over passing out drunk.  We see it as a de-stressor to the day.  Relaxation time if you will.  And weekends are not any different than week days.  The drinking regimen is very consistent.

So I don't know.  Doctors would probably say we are alcoholics.  Many others would probably say we have a problem.  But our take is different.  And we don't smoke MJ or do any other type of drugs.  I am very interested to hear what this board has to say.