OT-Golf Thu: Your favorite golf jokes
We might as well get to this topic as every golfer has their favorite group of golf jokes at ready for a random foursome.
Here is mine:
Jesus and Moses are playing golf when they come to the par-3 with a long carry over water to an island green. Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, “I’m going to hit a 5-iron because Arnold Palmer would hit a 5-iron from here.”
Jesus tees it up and hits his iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water.
Jesus turns to Moses and says, “How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?”
Moses says, “No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Arnold Palmer fantasy and I’m not going to be a party to it!”
Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water.
One of them asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Moses turns and says, “No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
I've always enjoyed this version:
That’s a great one lol.
Mines short and sweet:
There’s a lot of lessons you can apply from golf to real life, but the most important is to keep your balls dry.
The reason they call it "golf" is because all the other 4-letter words are taken.
My best golf joke is my sand game. Makes everyone laugh, every time. ?
Police are called to a golf course because of a fight. They arrive and find a guy beaten to a pulp and a golfer standing over him holding a club. Cop says “This guy is a mess! How many times did you hit him? 8?!?” Golfer responds “Put me down for a 6.”
Police called to a course on an accusation of animal abuse. They find a group of people surrounding one golfer and a dead Canada Goose. The golfer claimed that his iron shot to the green hit the goose and killed it. The witnesses claimed that the goose honked during his backswing on a high dollar putt, and that he beat it to death with a five iron.
They arrested him for using too much club.
“I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
Gunga galunga … gunga, gunga-lagunga
On your death bed you will receive total consciousness.
As one of my playing partners always likes to joke:
A day out on the golf course is like a sore dick....you can't beat it
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Steve, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond.
Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch. Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Steve!... Steve!... where are you?" Steve yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows. Fred yells back "Take a drop!".....
So related to the buttercup story, a slightly different version:
Fred hit his drive far into the left rough and into a patch of buttercups. He took a practice swing and thought he heard a voice say, "don't mess with my buttercups."
He took another practice swing and heard the same voice and same warning. He looked up and saw Mother Nature. She then said, "if you leave my buttercups alone I will give you all the buttermilk you can drink for free the rest of your life."
Fred stepped away from the ball and replied, "where were you last week when I hit it into the pussy willows?"
Three guys are playing golf with a supermodel. Don't ask me why, but they are. On the 18th green, the supermodel tells the guys: "Whomever gives me the correct read that results in me making this 30 foot putt will get to spend the night with me."
The first guy runs over and quickly tells her it's a double breaker and she needs to aim 6 inches right of the cup. The second guy concurs but says she needs to aim out further to the right. The third guy comes over and is really taking his time studying. Finally, he says: "Gimmie. See you at 8 o'clock".
When playing with your buddy, you hit a drive farther than him/her. As they are sizing up their next shot casually mention that you heard that a Wal-Mart is about to be built near by. Inevitably they will ask “Where?”
“I’m not exactly sure but I know it’s going to be somewhere between my ball and yours.”
Somehow this is funnier when there’s only a few yards between the balls. ??♂️
same joke i use at the ball game....
when someone gets under it teeing off.... "that's too high to get out of here"
Variation on that theme:
"At Fenway, that might have been out of here, but here....that's just a long out."
(rimshot)
Actually the punch line is "Actually, he is Jesus Christ but thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
I bet you're a lot of fun at parties.
Golf joke: My game
and everyone laughs
Our local hospital was hosting a fund raiser golf tournament and the course was working on reconstructing the tee boxes. At the reception afterwards, the CEO thanked everyone for participating and putting up with the confusion around the construction. “In fact,” he continued, “I was on 15 when Dan (golf pro) comes racing up in his cart and says ‘Wait! That’s the ladies’ tee’ and I said,’Dan, would you be quiet do I can hit my second shot”.
The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote....that a flute with no holes....is not a flute. And a doughnut with no holes.....is a danish. He was a funny guy.
Nananananananananana
Joe was an avid golfer and let nothing distract him from his game. One day, however, he paused in the fairway as a funeral procession passed the course. He even removed his cap when the hearse drove by.
“Wow!” said his golfing partner. “What made you do that, Joe?”
“Well” Joe replied. “It only seemed right. After all, I was married to her for almost 40 years.”
Did you hear about the guy who broke his ankle at the golf course?
He fell off the ball washer
Heard this in the late 80's, not recently on the commercial.
An elderly 65 year old Ben Hogan and an up and coming 25 year old young golfer are playing, and they land about 200 yds from the hole, a dog leg right. 60 ft trees are on the right to complicate matters.
Ben says "When I was young and strong like you, I would crack a shot on to the green, right over those trees, maybe 2- 5 feet away. The young guy, a little skeptical, thinks for a moment, and finally thinks; well if Ben Hogan did that, I can at least try it. He knows what he's doing.
Young guy hits it, and smack, into the trees, 50 ft up, and the ball bounces back to him.
He looks at Ben and says WTF!!!
Ben looks at him and says: "Those trees were only 10 ft tall when I was your age"
Thanks. One of my favorite golf jokes. I heard it with Hogan playing a young Jack Nicklaus on the fourth hole at Augusta, and Jack was taking pleasure in showing up the old pro and rubbing it in, so he told Nicklaus how he used to play the par-five hole when he was a young man, easily clearing the pines on the dogleg left and usually taking an eagle. Jack pulled out a $100 bill and said, "This says I can clear those trees, too." After Jack whacks it into the stand of pines, Hogan tells him they were just seedlings when he was young. Same joke. Heard it at a golf clinic.
My wife says that if she passes away before me, she wants to be buried on a golf course because at least she knows i'll come visit her frequently.
After a long wait, the doctor comes out to talk to Jim in the waiting area. "Jim, I'm sorry to tell you but your wife didn't make it. I know you are sorry as can be but your errant drive caused her such head trauma that she probably passed very quickly. Just one question though. We also found a Titleist lodged in her rectum. Do you have an explanation for that?"
"That was my mulligan."
The guys are golfing, and one guy keeps saying that he needs to get a new pitching wedge; he's always short when he uses it. His friends look at it and notice that the face is quite worn out.
So he goes out and buys the best pitching wedge available for $300.00
A month later, his buddies ask, "How's the new pitching wedge?"
The guy replies: "IT doesn't work!!!"
An American businessman traveling to Japan gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese hooker.
He has his way with the hooker and feels like he did a pretty good job -- considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese.
The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with.
During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his hooker.
He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"
Fukada! Fukada!!
A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one.
With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, “I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I’ll grant you any wish.”
The player thought a bit and said, “Could you make me weeny a bit larger?”
“Wish granted.” says the leprechaun, as he skips away.
Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin’ below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin’ along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.
He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it, to see the leprechaun again, you must go back and make another ace.
After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.
Again the leprechaun jumped out saying, “I’ll grant you any wish.” The player asked...
“Could ya make me legs a bit longer?”
Arnold Palmer once quipped..."You know how you can shave 5 strokes off your game?
...Skip a par 3"
When my buddy undoes the strap on my bag while I'm not looking at the cart...fucking hilarious.
I live in Arizona, and nothing gets more laughs than a strategically placed rubber rattle snake.
Just may sure you have an AED in your bag. At my age, in my group, we all do..........
My favorite line when someone's taking forever to make up their mind on what kind of shot to hit:
Are you going to hit it or hatch it?
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
I am surprised nobody has posted this yet:
When someone pops up a drive..."the 2nd baseman calls him off."
When someone hits worm burner from the tee...."release!!!"
"Back nines matter."
Guy returns home after a round and his wife asks "how was your round?" Guy says, "It was awful. Poor Fred dropped dead of a heart attack on the 2nd tee." Wife says "Oh my goodness! How awful!" Guy says "Yeah, it was exhausting. For 4 hours it was 'hit a shot, drag Fred, hit a shot, drag Fred'".
A man gets married and takes his wife to the conjugal bed where they will make love for the first time. Before they proceed she tells him she has a confession to make.
“What is it?” He asks.
“I’m not a virgin,” she replies. “I’ve had sex with Tiger Woods.”
Understanding that she can hardly be blamed for having sex with Tiger Woods, he proceeds with his spousal duties. After they finish he gets up to get a drink of water, and she asks “Where are you going?”
“I’m calling room service.”
”That’s not what Tiger Woods would do.”
”What we he do?”
”He’d come back and do me again.”
So he returns to bed and serves her needs another time. As he gets out of bed she says:
”Where you going?”
”I need room service.”
”That’s not what Tiger would do.”
”He’d go again?!?”
”Yes, come back here.”
Being young and grateful for the opportunity he goes a third time. Afterward he stumbles toward the phone claiming he has to have some nourishment, only to hear that Tiger Woods would go again. Not wanting to be outdone by Tiger, he goes again.
Groaning he crawls out of bed and works his way to the phone.
”You calling room service?”
”No, Tiger Woods. I want to find out what par is on this damn hole.”