OT: The Craziest Shite you’ll ever read re: CFB
So, cliffs notes version:
- tex AC leaves wife and kids (allegedly) for a semi-famous stripper
- stripper has a pet monkey that she uses in her act
- stripper invites ppl to the haunted maze at her house
- monkey attacks small child, jaws apparently had to be pried from the kid
Darkest timeline confirmed? You be the judge
November 1st, 2021 at 10:41 PM ^
Okay I’ll be the one to ask… any word on how the monkey plays into her act?
November 1st, 2021 at 10:47 PM ^
The monkey strips?
November 1st, 2021 at 11:05 PM ^
Also confused about the "allegedly" placement... he allegedly has kids? Is it allegedly because he hasn't bothered to look in a while and verify they exist? Allegedly because of a Maury paternity type situation?
I feel like the existence of kids is something that should be verifiable. Allegedly.
November 2nd, 2021 at 4:45 AM ^
I guess you missed that conjunction (and) in the story.
November 2nd, 2021 at 8:13 AM ^
My bad. So, he allegedly has a wife and kids? Or maybe he doesnt? Allegedly. I think the point remains though, these should be things that can be verified.
#misplacedmodifiers
November 2nd, 2021 at 8:59 AM ^
As a fellow grammar nazi, I think the action, not the subject, is clearly the part being "alleged". The sentence fragment wouldn't make any sense any other way, as you have pointed out.
This is definitely an "apostrophe" issue (in other words it doesn't matter) not a comma (very definitely matters) issue.
November 2nd, 2021 at 10:24 AM ^
As fellow child-hating rabid monkey owner, you don't have to pry their jaws open.
If a frank discussion about consequences doesn't get them to release their bite, just tickle their feet.
November 2nd, 2021 at 12:33 AM ^
I would say the monkey flashes but actually monkeys don't have big members. The cave women caused human males to have the biggest members of the ape like species.
November 1st, 2021 at 11:12 PM ^
If he’s not pickpocketing audience members than he’s worthless
November 2nd, 2021 at 12:16 AM ^
The monkey is her uncle. Or something like that.
November 2nd, 2021 at 12:21 AM ^
Dayumn
November 2nd, 2021 at 2:01 AM ^
RGard's girlfriend?
November 2nd, 2021 at 8:22 AM ^
That's my niece. I'm a bad uncle.
November 2nd, 2021 at 9:40 AM ^
You are, you are!
November 2nd, 2021 at 8:08 AM ^
Your targeted ads are going to be real weird after whatever search terms you used to find that hot little number. Unless you actually took the pic yourself. In that case, I suspect those ads are already weird enough at baseline.
November 2nd, 2021 at 8:51 AM ^
not all monkeys are created equal
November 2nd, 2021 at 7:58 AM ^
On the heels of the incident, the Texas governor and senior legislators are working to push through emergency legislation forbidding city governments from outlawing monkeys and strip clubs. Both the strip club owner and the coach were said to be major donors to the governor's successful re-election campaign. . .
November 1st, 2021 at 10:42 PM ^
User name checks out.
November 1st, 2021 at 10:42 PM ^
Texas is back
November 1st, 2021 at 10:43 PM ^
Hangover 4.
November 1st, 2021 at 10:43 PM ^
Unknown if the kid was dressed as a banana for Halloween.
/hope the kids OK tho
November 2nd, 2021 at 12:19 AM ^
Assumed he had a Spencer Rattler jersey on, in which case he had it coming. (But seriously hope he’s ok, and who the f**k keeps a monkey loose in their haunted house?!?)
November 1st, 2021 at 10:52 PM ^
Apes and monkeys should not be pets. Stories about people getting their noses eaten off their face are fucking scary.
November 1st, 2021 at 11:22 PM ^
Chimpanzees are strong enough to rip a human arm right out of its socket. I shot a commercial with one and his handler gave us very explicit instructions on how not to piss off the monkey.
November 2nd, 2021 at 12:17 AM ^
Chimpanzees aren’t monkeys, but they are extremely dangerous animals.
November 2nd, 2021 at 7:41 AM ^
If you were a bro this would definitely fall in the "Cool story, bro" category.
November 2nd, 2021 at 8:01 AM ^
Cool story, sis?
November 2nd, 2021 at 6:03 PM ^
Pretty sneaky, sis.
November 2nd, 2021 at 12:37 AM ^
Chimps are the worse. They are like twice as strong as humans and will eat your face off. Several cases of chimp attacks where the chimp chews off the poor persons face, some have survived and some have died.
November 2nd, 2021 at 8:29 AM ^
More simian abuse by humans again. Just wait until we figure out this fire thing.
November 2nd, 2021 at 9:31 AM ^
I posted this in the thread that got deleted, but I have to say the amount of getting off on CFB twitter about this is a little messed up. A kid got attacked by a wild animal to the point of having to have the animal's jaws pried open and was seriously hurt. I get that strippers and monkeys can be funny, but this is a pretty awful story.
November 1st, 2021 at 11:02 PM ^
I also heard that the monkey drove up I -35 to SMU and killed 5 hookers.
November 1st, 2021 at 11:48 PM ^
Oh yeah. I heard about that monkey named Jraig Cames.
November 2nd, 2021 at 7:42 AM ^
CJK5H(A)
November 1st, 2021 at 11:03 PM ^
"repot"
November 1st, 2021 at 11:07 PM ^
Damn. Why would people send out their kids to a stranger's maze? Keeping a monkey when strangers are around is not a good idea. Idiots.
November 2nd, 2021 at 8:31 AM ^
Because dads want to see what the home owner is wearing...or not wearing.
November 1st, 2021 at 11:09 PM ^
The Aristocrats!
November 1st, 2021 at 11:18 PM ^
I clicked thinking it would not be the craziest shite I’ve ever read.
I was wrong
November 1st, 2021 at 11:29 PM ^
Gotta say, I'm turning down a lap dance by someone named The Pole Assassin.
November 2nd, 2021 at 12:11 AM ^
RGard . . . Not again.
November 2nd, 2021 at 2:03 AM ^
Don't . . . piss off . . . The Chimp.
November 2nd, 2021 at 8:32 AM ^
Shut up or I'll burn more of your habitat to the ground, you smooth brained nearly mammal.
November 2nd, 2021 at 9:50 PM ^
I love watching evolution play out. Especially when its not on a cable news network!
November 2nd, 2021 at 12:44 AM ^
When you lure away Alabama's special teams coach with a 3 year, $3M contract, nothing bad can happen, right?
November 2nd, 2021 at 7:14 AM ^
But we can't pay the players because think of all the crazy shit they might do with the money LOL.
November 2nd, 2021 at 12:51 AM ^
I bet a dollar this guy has worked for Urban at some point….