OT: The Craziest Shite you’ll ever read re: CFB

This is one of those stories where I feel my brain shrank a little after reading it.  

This story was planted to distract from their third consecutive loss after a blowing a double digit lead.

I want to see the Netflix movie of this

and this is why you should never have your monkey out when you're giving candy to trick or treaters.

No discussion of spanking in a monkey thread?   disappointing

Personal injury lawyers from all over the country are climbing over each other in a desperate rush to represent the kid's family. Whoever the attorney is, that family is getting paid, and deservedly so.

How is this not a Florida or Ohio story?

/frantically calls insurance agent to see if this type of incident is covered under umbrella insurance policy

/not covered

/strict no strippers with monkeys mandate enacted at Naked Bootlegger household

Everything is bigger in Texas.

I imagine she got her start as an organ grinder - realizing soon after that she was grinding the wrong kind of organ - but kept the monkey to do what an organ grinder's monkey does... collect tips!

Larry Lujack's Animal Stories...

"Little Monkey gonna be OK uncle Larry?"

"Well, no, Little Tommy, they had to put him down."

Came on to post this...this story is crazy!!

https://www.reddit.com/r/CFB/comments/qksuw5/texas_special_teams_coach_…

Update: There is more. Banks apparently left his wife and kids to be with a stripper named Pole Assassin and the monkey is hers and a part of her act.

Update 2: Pole Assassin confirms that a child was bitten. Denies it was serious, but does confirm that the monkey did bite a child

Here is a screenshot containing the tweet and some context.

Update 3: Pole Assassin says the monkey is an emotional support monkey

Here is a screenshot of this tweet. You can see more context for this response in Update 9.

Update 4: According to TexAgs, Pole Assassin tweets at croots. There is screenshots for proof too, so it’s not a baseless claim.

Update 5: More tweets, this time with a video explaining what happened with a walkthrough of the yard. Waiting to see if we hear anything from Banks or not.

PFT commenter has this mirrored since it was deleted

Update 6: The video/tweet in update 5 has been deleted

Update 7: Her entire twitter account has been deleted

Update 8: It appears the monkeys name is Gia and has an instagram account, that account is still active but I believe due to sub rules I cannot post links to it. Here’s a quote tweet about it, however.

Update 9: Earlier, when she was still tweeting, Pole Assassin evidently confirmed the monkey was vaccinated and up to date on it’s shots, which is a positive for the child.

Here is a screenshot of this confirmation, it also goes hand in hand with Update 3

From Reddit

There's....a lot to unpack there. I guess after clicking into that Twitter post and viewing some comments, I'm actually relieved to see that I have no clue who that "semi-famous stripper" is (Pole Assassin? LOL!).

Makes me feel like (slightly) less of a degenerate.

Re:Darkest timeline .

Was the monkey named Annies Boobs ?

Sadly, this isn't bottom shelf inhumanity that occurs out there on a daily basis, I'm sad to report. How eff'ed up humanity is as a species is truly disheartening. 

The monkey thing is interesting, and frightening, but by any chance do you have a pic of the stripper?