The Problem Statement

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So here I am in Mainz Germany.  I got my company credit card with basically unlimited beer budget.  I aint talking no crappy beer.  It's the good stuff.  And to all you damn LSA grads, just forgive my grammar, spelling and punctuation errors tonight please.  I may or may not have had a few already.

I have been personally requested by the Germans, I am assuming partially for all those Hasselhoff jokes I threw out there when I demonstrated our new robotic filling machine in Oregon.  Our two company's have a joint project that might cure cancer, and this robot is perfect for the application.  Somehow I became known as an expert in this new technology.

I do these trips from time to time.  It's usually with a group of people going with me.  For example, next week I will be meeting people from my site in Switzerland for a tech transfer.  You tend to cut loose when you get outside your normal routine.  You've all been there at least on some mandatory offsite and know exactly what I'm talking about.

Now the behavior is different when you are the lone Wolverine.  I've been waking up early, running several miles, or kilometers for you sophisticated types, solving problems, working my ass off, making fun of their punctuality and other German stereotypes, then slamming down a few (did I mention really good) beers on the company dime.

But I always knew this extended assignment was more than a Vanilla Ice thing.  You know:

 "If there is a problem, yo! I'll solve it!"

I knew that behind the scenes this was also about the other company trying to convince me to jump ships.  It's a big decision.  I have three kids and a dog and a pretty good life in Portland.  Do I really want to move to Europe? I haven't made any decisions, but I am gonna hear them out.  So today I find out I have an informal meeting at the executive level tomorrow for the other secret reason I'm here. 

Now here comes the part about the technical problem:  I was already on my last pair of clean drawers today.  I had every intention of buying some new ones today after work.  Hell, I wouldn't be bothered wearing some Euro style undies as long as they are clean. Hell, a banana hammock might even feel sexy for all I know.   But no, I go out and voluntarily put in a 13 hour day solving problems and Vanilla Icing the shit out of it until all the shops are closed.

So what are your options here?

Go commando?  No- I used to do this on purpose when I was younger as an Airborne Paratrooper.  That's disgusting.

Wear a pair of dirty drawers?  Did I mention I've been running every day?  Funny thing about the human nose is that it get's desensitized when exposed to a persistent smell.  This actually happens in the brain not the nose.  There is no option to get laundry service here at the hotel in time for this important meeting and I am not going in blind not knowing if I smell like ass funk.

I know right?  What a freaking predicament! I thought about just wearing a clean pair of running shorts underneath,  but they all have pockets.  I don't want to deal with all that binding and puffiness in my groin area all day.

 

The Solution

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So Stop! Collaborate and listen....Here's what you do.  You take some hotel provided fair trade lavender shampoo and you hand wash a pair of the polyester blends in the sink.  Don't choose the all cotton ones, they will take too long to dry.  Make sure to use water as hot as possible to break down any potential butt grease.  Then use your hotel provided hair dryer to dry.  You want to focus on the elastic band because that will take the longest to dry. 

Yes, you might smell like flowers all day.  But if you are ever in my position, you will want to project confidence.  Last thing you want to be worrying about is how yer' drawers smell.  I actually like the smell of flowers near my genitals.

You can complete the entire process in 15 minutes and still have time to write a diary to your pals while drinking yet another really good beer.

 

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Just another microcosm in the grand Wolverine experience.  Floating through space on a rock.

Beat Ohio in the back of my brain.

Yours Truly,

Western Wolverine