[ed: thank you to crg for moving this over]

How the Snitch Stole Christmas

All the Blues in Ann Arbor liked Jim Harbaugh a lot. But the Snitch, who lived just south of Ann Arbor did not. The Snitch hated losing, the whole losing feeling, now please don’t ask why (because we all know the reason). It could be his dancing didn’t work out quite right. It could be, perhaps, that his beard was too light. But I think that the most likely reason of all, must have been that the Snitch’s small trophy case was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, the beard or his moves, he stood there in October, hating the Blues. 

“And they’re shouting out hails!” he snarled with a sneer. "November is The Game! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Snitch fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST find a way to keep Harbaugh from winning!"

For, on 12/25, he knew 

All the Blue girls and boys, would rush onto the field, and wave goodbye to his ploys! And then, oh the noise. Oh the media, 11 Warriors, boosters and donors, Desmond Howard, Charles Woodson, small children, truck driver, and Paul Finebaum noise! The one thing he hated! The bucknut, 56-7 but 1-3, soft-as-charmin, Just for Men, red faced, Scam Webb, whistle blowing, noise, noise, noise!

Then the Blues young and old would sit down at computers to a feast. They’d feast and they’d feast, and they’d feast! Feast! Feast! Feast! They’d feast on his Lou Holtz feud! And rare “we had the flu!” meat. Ah, the flu excuse was one that the Blues believed in the least. 

And then they’d do something he liked least of all. Every Blue in Ann Arbor, the tall and the small, would stand close together, with The Killers proudly ringing. They’d stand hand in hand and the Blues would start singing! “Open up my eager eyes! I’m Mr. Brightside!”

The more the Snitch thought of this Blue victory sing, the more the Snitch thought “I must stop this whole thing. Why, for almost three years I’ve put up with it now! I must find some way to stop Harbaugh from winning…but how?” 

Then he got an idea. An awful idea! The Snitch got a wonderful, awful idea! 

"I know just what to do!" The Snitch laughed in his beard. And he called a PR firm, with a lack of scruples, and sneered. 

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Snitchy trick!” This is all kind of weak, but talking heads need the clicks." All I need is a scandal..."The Snitch looked around, but since non-hamburger Michigan was clean, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Snitch...?No! The Snitch simply said,"If I can't find a scandal, I'll make one instead!" 

So he called his dog Pete. Then he took a weak thred.  And he tied Connor Stallions to the top of Harbaugh’s head.Then he sent out an insecure google drive and ticket receipts, on a ramshakle website, and he hooked up old Pete.

Then the Snitch said, "O-H!"And the news trickled down, toward the homes where the Blues laid a-snooze in their town.

 

MGOBlog windows were all lit. A growing confidence filled the air. All the Blues were all dreaming national championship dreams without care. When Thamel dropped his first story over the air. "Michigan sign-stealing allegations," Pete Thamel and Paul Finebaum hissed. And Stephen A. got involved and was shaking his fist. 

 

Then the media forced outrage, a rather tight pinch, but if burgergate could do it, then this was a cinch. The story got stuck only once, for a moment or two, the NCAA investigated then left satisfied with the Blues. 

But Connor Stallions had vacuum cleaners displayed in a row. "These disregards for the law of football," the media grinned, "are at least five violations in a row!”

 

Then they slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant. Around the whole program, and stole the joy from the present! Twitter posts! And hot takes! Talking heads! Bread crumbs! First Take! Undisputed! The Paul Finebaum Show! Dumb!

 

It was everywhere that you looked. Then the Snitch, very nimbly, convinced the big ten of the scandal, even Tony Petini! Then he slunk to the ADs. There’s player safety issues! And an unfair advantage! Feel free to use tissues! The Snitch got support just as quick as a flash. Why, that Snitch even got support from lawyers, with arguments brash!

 

He stuffed all their weak points into a letter, that old scofflaw. "And NOW!" grinned the Snitch, "I will invalidate Harbaugh!" And Petini grabbed the mic, and he started to shout, when he heard a small sound that was issued with clout. He turned around fast, and he read legal news! From the Michigan lawyers, who numbered much more than two.Tony Petini had been caught by these disappointed Blue lawyers, who had been reading Big Ten rules to foil this latest annoyer.

 

They wrote to Petini and said, "Commissioner how? How are you taking our head coach when you can only punish institutions? HOW?" But, you know, that old Petini was so smart, and bumblingly slick, he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Why, my sweet little tot," the fake leader of schools lied, "Proper investigations only need to hear one side. So I'm suspending Harbaugh, since he might as well be the institution, oh the shame. He’ll miss the biggest games, but he stole 21 points from Frames." And his fib was accepted. Then he patted the Blues collective head. And he heard about Partridge and demanded his head. 

 

And when the blues had accepted their fate, the Snitch went to the media to declare himself great! Then the last thing he took was the Blue’s wins, earned through fire.  And he called himself resilient and tough, the old liar. The Blues were left nothing but anxiety, and some emotions quite dire. 

 

It was quarter til noon...It had all gone as planned, All the Blues terribly nervous,

Watching a four letter word spelling band.

He had taken their coach! Their momentum! Their focus!

Their accomplishments! Their energy! With sign-gate hocus-pocus!

An eleven and oh season! A semifinal appearance “surebet,” 

He rode into Michigan Stadium with his five stars to dump it!

 

"Pooh-pooh to the Blues!" he was snitch-ish-ly humming.

"They're finding out now that no championship is coming!

"They're just standing up! I know just what they'll do!

"They’ll all play half hearted a quarter or two,

"Then all the Blues in Ann Arbor will all cry BOO-HOO!"

 

"That's a noise," grinned the Snitch,

"That I simply must hear!"

So he paused. And the Snitch put a hand to his ear.

 

And he did hear a sound that was not on the broadcast show.

(Let’s go Zak! Let’s go Zak! Let’s go Zak!)

It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!

Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!

 

He stared up at Ann Arbor!

The Snitch popped his eyes!

Then he shook!

What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Blue in Ann Arbor, the tall and the small,

Was plowing for yards! Without any Harbaugh at all!

He HADN'T stopped Michigan from winning! They WON THE GAME!

Somehow or other, they won  just the same!

 

 

And the Snitch, with his snitch-feet ice-cold, though no snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?

 

They won without Harbaugh! No lb coach on the sidelines!

"They won without snowflakes, the flu, or the signs!"

 

And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Snitch thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Harbaugh," he thought, "isn’t a person or a score.”

"Maybe Harbaugh...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

 

And what happened then...?

Well...in Ann Arbor they say

That the team’s confidence 

Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute the hatred didn’t feel quite so tight,

They whizzed, as a team, through the bright morning light

And they brought back the joy! And bulletin board material for the feast!

And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!

Harbaugh, carved up the southeast!