Way back when during the coaching search, a man came along. His name was SwayzeHowellSheen, and he was the unquestioned leader of the Schiano mafia. The mafia was disbanded when Schiano turned Michigan down, but SwayzeHowellSheen's legacy lives on in all its Haloscan glory. For those of you who remember this fine tribute to all that is Schiano, here are the highlights from that one fine Schiano-filled evening: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Wolverines! SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Isn't it ironic that a movie about Wolverines is entitled "Red Dawn"? One wonders. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. SCHIANO is coming (not official yet, but soon). This guy is Bo incarnate. New blood. Toughness. He is everything we want. Don't be taken in by Brian's post - recall the "Bo Who?" headlines of years past. This guy is the real deal. Get ready for a new era of Michigan Football. Or rather, a return to the past. Defense wins championships. Ask Tressel. Schiano knows defense. Ask his opponents. Wolverines! SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. SCHIANO is a better coach than Miles. Ask any coach in the league. Schiano has done a lot with a little. We have hugely better players, but he has a hugely better defense. Tressel just called me and told me he was worried. He was leaning towards Miles. Tressel is not even talking to Herby any more for f---ing that up. Now he's really pissed, because people won't remember he was 6-1 against Lloyd when Schiano comes knocking. Dialogue: "KNOCK, KNOCK." says Schiano. "Who's There?" says Tressel. "SCHIANO." says Schiano. "Oh shit." says Tressel. "I'm going to kick your ass." says Schiano. WOLVERINES! SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. I just talked to Schiano. He said he could kick Brian Kelly's ass. I believe him. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Would someone please rent Red Dawn again? I am afraid the newer generation has missed out on my stunning epic about wolverines who defeat the Reds. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. @ hat you are a f---ing Michigan man. Awesome! p.s. Greg Schiano might be willing to hire you as an assistant. Assistant what? you might ask. Assistant ass kicker. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. That only applies in a sense if he cleans house. Do you think Martin will get him to keep the current staff or will he allow him to bring in new? 00goblue00 - - - - - @ 00goblue00 Schiano just told me: no one tells Schiano whom to bring in. If Schiano wants two siamese cats as his coordinators, that's who Schiano will bring in. Tressel just tendered his resignation. He offered three reasons: Greg. F---ing. Schiano. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. @SwayzeHowellSheen: Wouldn't you be a Miles supporter being from Howell, MI in all? Just kidding. Hopefully you want nothing to do with that association or your name is Howell or something. Brian Kelly is not a thug - - - - - @ BK is not a thug Stars of Red Dawn, the movie about Wolverines who defeat the evil Reds: Patrick Swayze C. Thomas Howell Charlie Sheen Those dudes died for their country. So I honor them with this name. Schiano just hollered "Yes, I will take the F---ing job, Martin" from NJ, and I heard him. He is that loud. Tressel heard him too, and went out to his barn and hung himself. Wolverines! SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Schiano, out of the kindness of Schiano's heart, has agreed to take on Charlie Weiss as his OC. When UM rolls to three national titles, this will show that the Schiano can do anything, including turning CW into a winner. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Early predictions for next year under Schiano: One loss when rolling into OSU (who will be undefeated at the time). UM crushes the Luckeyes 27-9, goes to title game against SC. Loses heartbreaker 9-6 because Schiano has a heart attack right before the game. You heard it here first. Other guesses? SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. > "KNOCK, KNOCK." says Schiano. > "Who's There?" says Tressel. > "SCHIANO." says Schiano. > "Oh shit." says Tressel. > "I'm going to kick your ass." says Schiano. Yeah, right. Not in this universe. I think Wolverine nation is receiving the Karmac curse for: #1 - Disrespecting Jim Tressel. #2 - Defending Mike "I'm a blowhard who can't back it up while providing bulletin board material for the Buckeyes" Hart. It's coming in waves losers. Earl J. Hickey - - - - - Schiano just added "Earl J. Hickey" to his list. Names on the list so far: 1. Tressel 2. Sparty coach: what's his name 3. Earl J. Hickey Plan: 1. Kick ass of each name on list 2. Sit back and enjoy SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. And now watch all of us start the "Schiano for God!!! OMGZZZ!" talk. Way to let your hearts get broken. Ryan | 12.07.07 - 12:38 am | # - - - - - Schiano doesn't break hearts - he eats them. First on the menu: One juicy red heart, wrapped in a sweatervest, dripping Buckeye blood. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. Tony, We know this is coming from his camp. This would make a perfect ploy for him. Ryan - - - - - Schiano doesn't do ploys. He just does ass kicking. If offered, this will happen, probably by Monday. It will be questioned for months. It will be widely celebrated as genius after 10 years, 2 national championships, and a 7-3 record against Tressel (and successor). SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 15. SwayzeHowellSheen: I want to believe in you but realize you have "Swayze" and "Sheen" in your name. Not exactly helping your credibility. Please adjust accordingly. Brian Kelly is not a thug - - - - @ BK Credibility of Swayze, Sheen: Pretty much zero. But don't forget C. Thomas Howell. I am on fire, because Schiano told me to be. He is a man. Bo would be proud, bless his soul. Alternate thought: Schiano is Bo. Has anyone ever seen the two of them together? Hmm.... SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 16. Last question: why am I reading these comments at this hour? I should be working. Schiano just told me why: because talking about Schiano is working. That's how awesome Schiano is. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 17. @SwayzeHowellSheen: Just curious, have you been taking any drugs this evening? I don't mean that in a bad way at all. Brian Kelly is not a thug - - - - @ BK is a thug LOL. No drugs, just goofy on getting a whiff of Schiano. Also, if I was really high, I would be doing something more fun than writing these inane comments. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 18. SHS, You are confusing Schiano with Chuck Norris. Chuck told me this makes him angry. Adjust accordingly. Earl J. Hickey - - - - @ Earl J. Hickey Schiano just called me. He told me Chuck Norris is dead, and his beating heart is in Schiano's hand. Schiano threw the heart towards Ohio, and it landed in Tressel's backyard. It is still there, thumping, counting down to the game. Thump, thump; thump, thump. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 19. Just out of curiosity, does it seem like Brady Hoke is trying to inject himself into the conversation to up his market value? He keeps telling newspapers that everyone is calling him. The big boys deny until it's too late. Maybe I'm crazy. Zone Left - - - - Brady Hoke just called Schiano. Schiano killed him with his words. May God rest Hoke's soul. Then Schiano revived him by punching in a special phone code. What did Schiano type into the phone to revive Hoke? Easy: 724-4266. That's SCH-IANO. Hoke won't be telling anyone anything about the UM job anymore. p.s. still no drugs, though I am looking. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 20. Chuck Norris tore down the Horseshoe brick by brick with his bare hands. Greg Schiano erased it from human memory by blinking. Zone Left ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 21. SHS: I was about two hours behind, all the Schiano shit broke while I was not reading the blog, and I came back to your Schiano analysis. If he becomes our coach, I swear to god, that I'll always see him and remember him in the way you're caricaturing him right now. Best shit all day for sure...wait...what's that? You're not embellishing? That's really what Schiano's like? R-Lew - - - - @ R-Lew Schiano doesn't do caricature. Caricature is for losers, and sweatervests. Schiano just is, and just does. Oh, Schiano just called again and said to me: stop telling everyone what Schiano is like. That is for Schiano to do. Schiano doesn't let others speak for him. Schiano also told BM: Schiano doesn't need a contract. Just spit and shake hands. The only thing holding up the deal: Martin has a dry mouth. Schiano's hand is spit-ful and ready to go. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 22. Can we hire SwayzeHowellSheen... he amuses me almost as much as Les Miles :D nuck - - - - While Schiano is for hire, SHS is (alas) already employed. And even at work this very moment! But Schiano also told me: never pass up a better opportunity. Schiano is following his own advice; he is coming to Michigan. All hail Schiano. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 23. Schiano to Les Miles: You say your team is "damn strong". Mine is "damn stronger", no need to say it. Also, Schiano tells me he once wrestled Les Miles, Tressel, and a live gator all at once. Only the gator survived. The gator's name? You guessed it: Tebow. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 24. I want to kill Les Miles....son of a bitch.....if we play him in the national championship anytime soon, im supplying our team with guns and knives. fucking fuck MichiganStudent - - - - @ MichiganStudent No need to kill Miles once Schiano is in town. Schiano does his own dirty work. Schiano may also kill, in no particular order: - J. Tressel - Earl J. Hickey - K. Herbstreit - Anyone who sails at odd times - Anyone who looks at Schiano funny SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 25. It's impossible to outfox the vest. Yesterday morning on the radio show here in Alabama they were quoting Tressel's comments about his BCS vote, his praise for the SEC, etc. One of the hosts of the show was talking about what an impeccable guy Tressel was etc. Even when he loses he's unflappable. He gives Buckeye fans a warm feeling because he makes them feel cerebral and ethical. marvin - - - - @ marvin You are wrong. Schiano just outfoxed the Vest twice. Once by buying the deed to his home; now the Vest has to move out. Another by taking the Michigan job; now the Vest has to get pummeled every November. The Vest looked at Schiano and trembled, because he saw something he has never seen before: Schiano. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 26. I see that people think we're getting Schiano, but can't unearth where in the comments that happened - can anyone gimme me a really brief rundown? Chitownblue 00 - - - - Actually, just Schiano thinks we are getting Schiano. But that is enough, because he is Schiano. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 27. The only problem with Sean Payton is that he was a scab during the NFL strike. Would that be a bad or a good thing for Bill Martin? marvin - - - - Schiano just killed Sean Payton. Not because SP wants the Michigan job, no. But because SP is not Schiano. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 28. Chitownblue: I missed it too and am just catching up. I can tell you Martin interviewed Schiano yesterday as per multiple sources (freep, detnews, carty via nj papers, etc.). I can also tell you it's worth your time to go back and read SwayzeHowellSheen commentary on Schiano... R-Lew ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 29. Does Schiano have an accent similar to JoePo's Brooklyn one? Because I'm not sure I could watch Michigan Replay if he does. Ryan - - - - @ Ryan Schiano doesn't do accents. He just stares, and emotes. Occasionally, he gesticulates. But speaking, not so much. Schiano also just told me: go to bed. Even Schiano-supporters need to sleep (but not Schiano). SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 30. My favorite: "Last question: why am I reading these comments at this hour? I should be working. Schiano just told me why: because talking about Schiano is working. That's how awesome Schiano is." Chitownblue 00 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 31. Um, needless to say that SHS is the ringleader of the Schiano Mafia? Chitownblue 00 - - - - Schiano doesn't do ringleaders, and doesn't do Mafias. Schiano does football. @MichiganStudent Schiano doesn't do short, crappy email responses either. SwayzeHowellSheen - - - - Swayze= seriously what is he supposed to say to me? Nothing.....i am just a kid compared to him and his millions MichiganStudent - - - - @ MS Schiano doesn't think you are 'just a kid'. He thinks you are a Michigan Man. And he responds accordingly. Probably with a punch in the gut. But accordingly. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 32. R-Lew, The great part is that SHS's depiction of Schiano dovetails with that story: "Schiano doesn't need anyone's permission to talk. Schiano talks to whoever he wants." Chitownblue 00 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 33. Chicagoblue--- I think SHS is the godfather of the Schiano mafia... but something tells me Schiano doesn't need a mafia. ThWard ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 34. An article just appeared on Mlive. Schiano is a hard worker, says Carty -- sometimes 20 plus hours in a day. marvin - - - - Schiano told me Carty is full of s--t. Schiano works 24 hours a day, sometimes 25. Schiano doesn't sleep, Schiano doesn't eat, Schiano just does one thing: be Schiano. Right now, being Schiano means one thing: trying on a Michigan cap. It is a used one. It has a name scrawled on the inside. That name: Bo. A small note from Bo on the inside too. It says: "This hat is for Schiano." SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 35. Have you had a chance to run back through the SHS comments? He's got a lot of reaction from Schiano. R-Lew - - - - R-Lew: I did. They paint a damn strong picture. And are pretty hilarious. ThWard ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 36. Sad story - I actually had a day where I really did work 25 hours. It was an all-nighter for work and then I hopped on a plane to get to the west coast and worked throughout the flight. I wouldn't recommend it. TX Wolverine - - - - @ TX Wolverine That is not a sad story. That is a Schiano story. And no Schiano story is sad. Why? you ask. Because it is about Schiano. SwayzeHowellSheen ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 37. @SHS You're the best thing to happen to these comments thread since flight tracking. Of course Schiano doesn't need to track flights, he knows exactly where every plane is at all times. TX Wolverine ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 38. My favorite from SHS so far: "Schiano told me Carty is full of s--t. Schiano works 24 hours a day, sometimes 25. Schiano doesn't sleep, Schiano doesn't eat, Schiano just does one thing: be Schiano. Right now, being Schiano means one thing: trying on a Michigan cap. It is a used one. It has a name scrawled on the inside. That name: Bo. A small note from Bo on the inside too. It says: "This hat is for Schiano."" R-Lew ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 39. Schiano isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Schiano... samsoccer7 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 40. I'd take Schiano just to get SHS back. His loss was the most devastating development of the entire search. R-Lew ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 41. The worst part of Schiano turning us down is that we lose out on SwayzeHowellSheen. That guy had the best posts I've seen here in years. We could have had him locked up for the next 20 years. But, alas, it was not meant to be. TX Wolverine