[Disclaimer: We wrote these yesterday before the Jerry Kill news, when open head coaching jobs were a lot more fun to talk about.]

RR to da U?

The Question:

Choose the best plausible fit for five open FBS head coaching jobs.

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The Responses:

Mathlete:

SOUTH CAROLINA: Mack Brown. Fits the aging former National Championship winning coach profile. Gets Mack Brown off of my TV.

MARYLAND:

USC: Todd Graham [Insert Dream Job joke here]. Seems like he's been at Arizona State forever in Graham years. Actually could be the right mix of personality for the Trojans.

ILLINOIS: Brady Hoke. From the school that brought back Ron Zook, why wouldn't they bring back Hoke. It would stick it to their arch-rival Michigan. Hoke would be a good fit for the recruiting base, doesn't have a documented issue with the color orange and his track record looks pretty good by Illinois standards.

MIAMI: Jim Tressel. When Miami has built their best teams, they've been built around loading up on talent with little regard for the NCAA. Tressel seems like the perfect fit.

[After the jump: more bad ideas, and some that are too good]

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Brian: Brett has an excellent point. Assume that I want Mack Brown to get all these jobs so I no longer have to listen to Perd Mackley describe how many points an extra point is worth. Other than the highly qualified Mack Brown, though, this is who I'd go after if I was the school in question and I didn't hit a Hail Mary.

SOUTH CAROLINA: Justin Fuente, Memphis. Fuente is a hot name and might get scooped up by someone higher up the totem pole, but the Gamecocks are probably about his level right now. Fuente reclaimed a dire Memphis program and while Not That USC isn't a terrific job, the SEC East is not the SEC West. You can win there, and with just one division crown you'll be on a list at even bigger programs.

MARYLAND: Brett left this blank. Pretty much agree. Your financial situation is going to be bad for the next half-dozen years, you just sold a home game so you could play PSU at an NFL stadium, and have fun storming the castle in a brutal-and-only-gettting-worse Big Ten East. I submit that every Big Ten West job is better than Maryland, Rutgers, and Indiana just because of your schedule.

Prepare for an offseason of Dino photos on every coaching rumor thread. [via Twitter]

But someone's got to do it. I'd go with Mike Locksley, their current interim. Seriously. The one thing he can really do is recruit, he's cheap, I'm not holding New Mexico State tenures against anyone, and he is so tight with the area. I could also see Dino Babers, who is a MAC du jour coach but importantly comes from the Baylor tree and is lighting people up. Maryland can get receivers. Maryland still has Dwayne Haskins committed. Bayloring is feasible.

ILLINOIS: I assume Matt Campbell of Toledo is not an option, if only because going back to the Rocket well after grabbing Tim Beckman will cause the city of Champaign to collectively projectile vomit. 

But it should probably be Matt Campbell anyway, provided he manages to get through an interview without setting his face on fire. He took over for Beckman; it's pretty clear he was the reason Beckman had any success,as he was the OC when the Rockets were good under the Hat obsessive. Over the last four years the Rockets are 22-6 in the MAC; this year they have wins over two P5 teams in Iowa State and Arkansas. That's a longer and more meaningful track record of success than your average MAC du jour, and frankly I don't think Illinois is getting anyone better.

MIAMI: As I mentioned in a UV, Rich Rodriguez. Yeah, Rich is more likely to get fired from Miami if things don't work out but Arizona has a Maryland problem as the #5 program in its division in terms of resources and recruiting. The 'Canes have problems. So many problems. But RR can coach an offense and has tons of experience recruiting the muck. Put him in proximity to that South Florida talent and I guarantee you Miami's not losing any games 58-0. 58-56, maybe. But he's a fit. At worst the 'Canes will be fun as hell under RR.

USC: Tom Herman. You knew this was coming. Tom Herman is good at coaching. Tom Herman can adapt to a pro-style system for a bit; he coped just fine with Cardale Jones. Tom Herman is the kind of guy who can deal with the USC crap you have to deal with, and he's very young--big long term upside there for a guy who is probably not an NFL fit. 

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Seth:

MIAMI (YTM): Rich Rodriguez. Brian talked about this one on WTKA and I was instantly convinced. It's the Michigan job in reverse: everything new is welcome, every ounce of swag is appreciated, he's one of a very few who'd fit the tight-ass administration's cleanliness guidelines. Rich Rod is already well practiced at recruiting space ninjas from the swamp; now imagine how Jimbo Fisher would enjoy having his high-priced defense chase around the Pahokee rabbit-chasers in the Florida heat every year! Shell out for a top of the line D.C. (plenty with Miami ties to choose from) and you're in business.

He wasn't even angry. [via LSJ]

ILLINOIS: P.J. Fleck. Illinois should divert its entire Big Ten check and possibly the Mississippi River to get their slam dunk candidate before somebody else does. Fleck played and coached at NIU, and Illinois could roll out a ton of possibility, with a cushy Big Ten West, a roster that's not too far away from competing, an institution with enough tradition to hold onto whatever he builds, and enough time since they were good to make New Champaign all his.

MARYLAND: Brady Hoke. Brady Hoke is a great guy. He arrived at Michigan and immediately went 11-2 and won a BCS bowl, before falling on hard times because he had to work with Rich Rodriguez's players. Hoke has recruited the MD-DC-VA region very well (Countess, Canteen, Poggi, Watson, Green, Speight). Despite this resume, he's surprisingly affordable; in fact he's known to accept jobs without even asking for pay (his agent will do that once you've made the announcement). Hoke would immediately turn around the flagging defense, bring back an atmosphere of toughness and accountability, and his assured success at Maryland would be a constant reminder to arch-rival Michigan that all that glitters is not gold.

No I am not just saying this because I want Maryland to shrivel up and die in a pool of their own incompetence in just enough time to be worthless to the Big Ten when the cable industry collapses and it's time to cut bait. You should tooootally do this Maryland.

SOUTH CAROLINA Mark Dantonio. This one I'm not at all kidding about. The money won't be different (MSU has a huge retention bonus in his contract), but the former Gamecocks defensive back has done all he can at Michigan State. If he leaves now he's a hero; if he waits five years he's George Perles. There's a lot of rebuilding once Connor Cook can't paper over every problem, and Dantonio's about to turn 60. Rather than spend his last five years angrily pounding away in the top-heavy Big Ten East, he can trade in Ohio State and Michigan every year for Florida and Tennessee in the SEC East.

PURDUE: Bob Stitt. If you question my inclusion of a job that's technically still Hazell's go see the front page of Hammer and Rails yesterday. Purdue was at its best when it pulled a cutting edge spread fool out of the Rocky Mountains. Stitt is way more accomplished than Joe Tiller was before he came to West Lafayette. And Bob specializes in quarterbacks, knows how to work in an academically oriented institution (Mines is serious about that), has always won with the kind of talent disadvantage that's par for the rails, and would bring an exciting, high-flying, no-punting brand of football back to the place that still calls itself the "Cradle of Quarterbacks." With Stitt and a new stadium Purdue could be the kind of program that averages 8-4 and goes to Indianapolis once or twice, rather than the drag on the conference they are now.

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Ace:

Miami: Mark Mangino. It's destiny.

Illinois: Ditka. Next question.

South Carolina: Steve Spurrier. Proven winner in the SEC, can take a bad-to-decent program to the next level, and... what's that? Oh. Never mind.

Maryland: Lane Kiffin. He's a man. He's 40. It's time for another shot.

USC: If there's a man who can handle having his dirty laundry aired out in public, it's Coach Snoop.