OT: Dec 26th drinking and regrets thread
The Mondayest Thursday drinking thread:
What are you sipping on today as you reflect on the regrets you have from 2019?
Mine are the expectations I have placed on the people I thought mattered in my life. Looking back at the year, only a small percentage of those who I thought were important actually are. I regret placing expectations on shadow relationships that would never reach the expectations I had for them. New year, new vision for what will be. Salud and blessings in the New Year.
December 26th, 2019 at 10:20 AM ^
Drinking a mimosa at the office with an 85/15 champagne/oj split. No real regrets, but I'm still young. Just enjoying life and finding happiness all while not forgetting to live for today as well.
December 26th, 2019 at 10:20 AM ^
Heavy thread here. I’m sipping coffee and oj, enjoying the quiet house on winter break with the good dog, while the wife is at work.
December 26th, 2019 at 10:25 AM ^
Drinking coffee. I regret that I wasn't a better husband. I pray I'll be better in 2020.
OoooooooooooooooKaaaaaaay. Too heavy.
December 26th, 2019 at 1:00 PM ^
Keep that between you and your attorney. Fresh start in 2020!
December 26th, 2019 at 1:14 PM ^
Doesn't have to be heavy. Identify HOW to be a better husband in 2020 and the thought of doing that should make you happy.
- Tell your wife you love her every single day.
- Tell your wife how beautiful she is to you, at least once a week.
- Once a quarter get her something that shows you were thinking of her. Could be as simple as her favorite chocolate/candy or something bigger, if finances allow for it. When you think of something, write it down right then and there or you could forget later on. Better to have a list to pull from then trying to pull something out of your ass.
- If you have kids, give her an entire Saturday to herself and $50 to spend, for no dang reason at all.
- Thank her for what she does for the family and teach your kids to do the same.
These are 5 quick and easy ones. Take some time to think of more and write them down. Marriage is fun. A little bit of effort goes a long ways. Don't focus on past mistakes, focus on making the future better and that is one day at a time. Be intentional.
December 26th, 2019 at 1:37 PM ^
Maybe tmi, but don't forget the sex. My mother in law has said openly in front of all my wife's sisters and the brothers in law that there needs to be lots of sex and that if a husband or wife can't get meals at home then they'll go out to eat.
I'm thankful to have her as a mother in law.
December 26th, 2019 at 1:53 PM ^
Haha. That's a good piece of advice. Women want to have sex more often when they feel loved and cherished, so it all goes together, imo.
December 26th, 2019 at 2:23 PM ^
I'm pretty sure she was angling to get us to have as many grandkids for her as possible.
December 26th, 2019 at 1:43 PM ^
This is too generic, imo. It's the really little things that show your love. Grabbing her her favorite coffee on your way home, things like that. Doing things for her when she least expects that you are thinking of her.
December 26th, 2019 at 1:51 PM ^
You're right, I wish I had included something like this.
3. Once a quarter get her something that shows you were thinking of her. Could be as simple as her favorite chocolate/candy or something bigger, if finances allow for it. When you think of something, write it down right then and there or you could forget later on. Better to have a list to pull from then trying to pull something out of your ass.
December 26th, 2019 at 10:28 AM ^
No regrets, life is a new adventure every day. Rather than regrets, if it was a fun mistake rinse and repeat; otherwise learn and move on
December 26th, 2019 at 10:32 AM ^
I'm drinking coffee because I'm at work. You lucky son of a bitch
December 26th, 2019 at 11:36 AM ^
I am also drinking coffee at work. It's "flavored", since I'm the boss this week.
December 26th, 2019 at 10:33 AM ^
Having coffee and watching my dog nap.
2 of 3 kids went home and they want me to turn this damn Furbo on which allows them to remote into it via phone app. They can then see and talk to the dog and activate a treat delivery. It kinda creeps me out that they can see me lounging.
Don’t stop giving people a chance. That would be a bigger regret.
December 26th, 2019 at 10:34 AM ^
At work. Drinking water. And I can totally relate to what you're saying about expectations. I've been struggling with this one for awhile and haven't figured out the right way to deal with it. I can't easily expect anyone else to change if I point things out because they are who they are and criticism even if constructive doesn't always/usually work. So I'm left to change either my relationship with them or lower my expectations - neither of which is palatable. It's complicated by the fact that I've always been comfortable being by myself, i.e. isolated, so I have no problem avoiding people.
Right now I have a few people that I'm close with and I'm trying to focus on those relationships as they are mutually beneficial and everyone else I just kinda deal with. I'm going to be busy at work the next few months so that plus my kids will be my center of attention.
December 26th, 2019 at 10:45 AM ^
Coffee and water, about to tackle the undertaking that is putting together and getting batteries into a Christmas days worth of a 5 and 8 year olds gifts. Grandparents went a bit overboard.
Thinking about regrets doesn’t do any good what’s happened has happened, learn from it and move on. My two cents
December 26th, 2019 at 10:54 AM ^
Coffee, Work, No Ragrets.
December 26th, 2019 at 10:58 AM ^
Coffee at the office....
regret not filling two doe tags early in rifle season....
Thankful for late antlerless season, will be in the woods tomorrow evening.
Thanks for a uplifting thread, OP.... FFS!
December 26th, 2019 at 1:45 PM ^
I thought this was an XM post for a sec
December 26th, 2019 at 2:01 PM ^
we actually only have one doe tag left, and i'm keeping it for one of the avatar twins who is next in line to take a deer. he missed one a few weeks ago and right now is fighting some crud so we're getting down to the wire.
December 26th, 2019 at 4:52 PM ^
Presque Isle County bound.......
December 26th, 2019 at 5:17 PM ^
good luck on that hunt. is that a CWD county?
December 26th, 2019 at 10:59 AM ^
Coffee and water at work, regretting that I didn’t call off today.
December 26th, 2019 at 11:58 AM ^
Coffee and water at home, regretting that I didn’t just go to work today.
December 26th, 2019 at 11:10 AM ^
I'm drinking French roasted French pressed coffee and smoking a bowl.
I regret nothing!
December 26th, 2019 at 11:10 AM ^
Coffee at home.
I regret that I ever smoked cigarettes.
December 26th, 2019 at 11:39 AM ^
Same. I have a 21mg nicotine patch on and I've still had 2 so far today.
Chantix made me quit when I tried it, but it also nearly caused a divorce. Went almost 2 years without a cigarette. So fucking weak and stupid for starting back up again.
December 26th, 2019 at 12:04 PM ^
Have you read the Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr?
December 26th, 2019 at 12:41 PM ^
Obviously not.
December 26th, 2019 at 12:55 PM ^
Ha, check it out. Breaks down the mental aspects of smoking.
December 26th, 2019 at 1:23 PM ^
Chantix works big time, but i had the most vivid dreams on it along with some suicidal thoughts. I'm glad I didn't have to take that stuff forever. Good luck in attempting to quit again. I was a smoker for about 10 years when I quit and I only stopped dreaming about smoking maybe a month after quitting. Tough.
December 26th, 2019 at 1:53 PM ^
Chantix worked for my wife. Thankfully it was before I knew her so I didn't have to deal with the fun side effects. Dealing with her normal crankiness is enough for me.
December 26th, 2019 at 12:29 PM ^
I feel like one of my greatest accomplishments in life was to quit smoking. 13+ years now without a smoke. If I can do it anyone can. You just have to want it! Not the cigarette, but rather the desire to quit. If you’re not 100% in, it won’t work.
December 26th, 2019 at 8:21 PM ^
Congrats! You are so right! This will be my 19th year after quitting. I smoked for 24 years! Quit at 42, cold turkey. I finally wanted to quit, once I turned that corner upstairs it was easy compared to past attempts. I made it thru 9/11, so I knew I would succeed. Still, sometimes..... Just gotta keep saying no. Ya know?
December 26th, 2019 at 4:39 PM ^
I enjoy smoking cigs, cigars and pipes. I also enjoy the occasional dip. I really enjoy tobacco. I even do snuff when in Europe (when in Rome ...). Am I gonna die from it? Maybe. But I’m also going to spend my life enjoying it my way, my style, my rules, because I only have one and the last thing I am going to do is listen to people tell me how to live it. I’m fully informed of the risks (I am a toxicologist) and choose to do it ....
also my wife smokes and that makes it damn near impossible to quit
December 26th, 2019 at 11:24 AM ^
I regret placing expectations [...] that would never reach the expectations I had for them.
That violates an axiom of human behavior -- "you cannot motivate people for your own reasons".
So if you're let down by others, that's your fault not theirs. Don't let others' behavior influence your happiness.
Happy New Year!
December 26th, 2019 at 12:01 PM ^
What about when you need to motivate others (kids) for reasons they can not yet fully understand? Got anything for that?
December 26th, 2019 at 1:03 PM ^
You need to help them find their own motivation. Goals cannot be imposed - only discovered.
A donut with no holes is a danish.
December 26th, 2019 at 1:30 PM ^
What if 1) they are absent of any apparent motivation, and 2) seem oblivious to the fact that this quality imposes an unreasonable burden on me?
Take away the X-Box? Seems self-evident but far from being close to sufficiently impactful.
December 26th, 2019 at 3:25 PM ^
lead by example. there is a wise saying about raising kids (and homeschooling) that goes like this: 'more is caught than taught'. in other words, all the lectures in the world at some point cease to be helpful, but what they see you doing will impact their lives. i say it like this: walk besides your children, take them along, do stuff with them unceasingly, always be available emotionally and every other way you can manage, forgo income to be with them, read to them, coach their teams, hunt, fish, climb, hike, build, farm, garden, get into rockets or airplanes or whatever else might be interesting.
you might want to take that xbox away completely and for good. go running with him, skiing, learn a craft, throw the TV out the window and get outside. its up to you and time is short if you have a 15 yr old that is blase about the rest of the world.
December 26th, 2019 at 4:00 PM ^
I feel like only a big change can shake him from the malaise at this point. We may just have to move and kind of “start from scratch.” Not a huge move but just get out of where we currently are. It is just suburban boredom, with a home that is very comfortable but not remotely challenging. That is, in fact, the main problem. I have structured my life to make sure everything is always “taken care of” and that consequently winds up with very little “to do.” He is not asked to do anything that could easily go undone without real consequence and he knows it. It is like “playing life” as opposed to living it.
It doesn’t help that I am easily the “dominant parent” in terms of involvement and I’m trying to do it with both a 13 year old and a 4 year old and being involved with one almost means per se that I’m not involved with the other at any given moment. And I’ll be damned if my youngest is going to be as disengaged as my oldest. (I actually do try really really hard, just not sure I am directing my effort to good effect).
Anyway, thanks for the advice. Tough stretch for ijohnb.
December 26th, 2019 at 5:15 PM ^
i'm sorry for your predicament and it will take a real force of will and change of habits on your part and on your son's part to turn around. think about his general daily routine. is he an athlete at all? likes any sports? what does he do when he comes home? time for him to get an after-school job? work at the super market, shovel snow, cut grass, paint houses? think of it as its the human version of newton's first law of physics: humans at rest tend to stay at rest, and humans in motion tend to keep going.
fill the days with man-style activities and the business of being a young man and let him earn (and then make) decisions on the activities and the next steps for those things. get him a check book and put some seed money in it. let him learn how to pay bills and manage money. my kids are all pretty miserly and i'm fairly certain its because i did that with all of them and their farm wages. their effort was real, it yielded fruit, and they aren't going to blow the money on silly stuff.
what kind of student and what type of a friend group does he have?
an underlying presupposition is the idea of a parent-directed home as opposed to a child-directed home. not much will get done if he and his decisions are indulged to any great degree - in fact, that is likely a contributing cause of the malaise.
tough stuff for any of us to have to parent through. time to earn your money, so to speak, as a parent and like i said, it won't be easy.
December 26th, 2019 at 6:20 PM ^
Part of the issue is that he is on the autism spectrum. (And yes, XM, such a thing exists. :). He has no social life. None. He has almost never had a short term memory and has literally no idea how to integrate into a social situation. He also “seems” rude even when he is trying to just be himself so teachers and friend are pissed at him and he literally has no idea why.
But that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to be held to the same standard as everybody else. Yes, he is challenged emotionally and cognitively. No, that just doesn’t mean he can rest on that and not be expected to navigate this shit eventually.
Trying to effectively discipline a kid with a legit disability is a challenge I don’t wish on any person. You are literally wrong no matter what you do.
Wow. I’ve gotten way too deep on a blog.
Good for me.
December 26th, 2019 at 8:48 PM ^
if he has no social connections then i suggest you, wife, and little bro need to be those for him. if his only activity is gaming you might want to take those away and start filling up his time doing things with you. give chores, jobs, tasks, no matter how simple.
i disagree re: your comment about 'always' being wrong disciplining. not true, its just that your task is harder. none of us could do it, but you can.
i know you were just pulling my chain re: autism. i have never met anyone who didn't think that was a thing. it is a brain injury, and folks can debate all day on the how/why, but i've never heard anyone say it doesn't exist. that said, i have coached some fairly autistic kids in my days, and in a few different sports. more challenging, requires more patience, but can be done.
wishing you the very best johnb.
December 28th, 2019 at 7:40 PM ^
Thanks XM.
December 26th, 2019 at 6:19 PM ^
Man. Man.
December 26th, 2019 at 4:41 PM ^
I don’t know, XM. My kids watch me do the dishes every night and don’t seem particularly inspired to start doing them themselves.
December 26th, 2019 at 5:19 PM ^
there's a rule in our house that if you don't work, you don't eat. it has proven quite effective.
there's a corrollary rule to that one: if you complain about working, you get more to do and others get less. also has proven quite effective.
December 26th, 2019 at 10:34 PM ^
2 Thessalonians 3:10.