Breaking News from the Northeast

How is he best friends with Christian Wolff' s brother, but never learned how to waste people from over a mile away with match-grade ammo?!

/sixdegreesofJonBernthal

Ok, that's all the opening I needed. There has been some chatter on talk radio about trying to invade Philadelphia or rush city hall blah blah, this dude (apparently a lawyer) in Philly posted an amazing response. Whatever side of the political aisle you find yourself on, if you know Philly AT ALL, this is the best description of the city I've ever heard:

DON’T MESS WITH PHILLY

Some conservative commentators and radio personalities are calling for Trump supporters to “surround the city” of Philadelphia and apply a little “pressure.”  I get you are upset, but Philly? Nah, bro. You don’t want none of that smoke. You’ve clearly never been to Philly. You are better off planning anything else, because if you can’t even bring that energy to a peaceful election to get your candidate chosen, just don’t.  I mean listen guys, seriously…

Your leader already said it best, BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN PHILLY.  This city has the most “F*&% around and find out” energy in America.  Our hero is a fictional character best known for getting punched in the face until he was almost dead and beating the crap out of whoever, especially Russians. 

We harass and boo babies and small children attending their first ever sporting event with their family.  Our old stadium had to have its own jail in it, and the new one has an anger management room to smash things with a bat.

We cold-cocked Santa Claus with ice balls.  The police had to preemptively Crisco the lamp poles on the chance that we would win (or lose) the Super Bowl, which we then took as a personal challenge and finished things off by punching two difference police horses and at least one gentlemen ate horse dumplings to…(prove a point?). We purposely eat scrapple and like it. 

We met a friendly hitchhiking robot once…and beheaded it.  When the city stopped us from breaking our own fire hydrants, we made pools out of dumpsters just because they said we couldn’t. 

And don’t get me started on GRITTY, our sports mascot created solely to spite a league that said we had to, made out of the concentrated extract of children’s nightmares, combining all the charm of an animatronic muppet, the warmth of a sewer clown, the crazed eyes of an Eagles fan after a loss, and adding a pair of murder knives to his feet…the same mascot who ASSAULTED A CHILD in his first year of existence and no Philly grand jury would indict.

Oh, and if somehow you think that isn’t enough, that there is some tactical advantage you can gain by surrounding the city…you better look to the hills to the East on the third day like the Uruk-Hai because you got a couple hundred thousand cousins and adopted sons ready to rain down like the Riders of Rohan just like THE LAST TIME someone surrounded Philly, and South Jersey chose to cross the Delaware in a makeshift flotilla…in the middle of the night…and murder everyone in their sleep…ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

Guys…as a fellow conservative…just don’t…not in Philly. Maybe start in Savannah and work your way up.

EDIT: if you don't remember the hitchhiking robot story, here's the Wiki blurb.