https://gfycat.com/distantdeafeningaurochs

Here's your Sweet Sixteen results. Thank you to everyone who voted! As promised, I have something different for this week. Let me know what you think. Welcome to the Elite Eight!

 

 

Santa Ono North Pole Region

No. 1 Overall Mike Sainristil, AKA Fat Ann Arbor Squirrel Routs No. 5 We Own This Now

North Pole, Ak. – With 66% of the vote, Mike Sainristil, AKA Fat Ann Arbor Squirrel defeated We Own This Now 52-27 in a tough Sweet Sixteen game. The number 5 seed in the North Pole Santa Ono region put up a better fight than previous opponents, but ultimately was no match for the nut busting squirrel.

After scoring a total of 172 points in its first two matchups, Mike encountered much more resistance from the flag-planting We Own This Now. Both teams were giving up near identical votes per game, near 11. Instead, the number one overall seed gave up 27 votes, its highest allowed of the tournament. Head Coach Big Chonkus revealed their mindset after the game: “We were confident going into such a big game. Maybe we were a little too confident. They definitely punched us in the mouth there in a way we haven’t experienced yet. We’ll need to make improvements in our attitude if we want to make a deep run in this tournament.”

David Scott, coach of We Own This Now, offered his insights as well. “Obviously we’re disappointed in the result, but we’re proud of the work we put in and all that we accomplished. We wanted to Own this tournament, but instead we’ll have to settle for Owning a shit-stained toilet bowl in central Ohio. I guess that’s an even trade.”

In the end, despite their defense giving up some points, the favorite pushed back and the final result was not very close. Big Chonkus and Mike Sainristil now head to the Elite Eight to face-off against 2-seed Jack Campbell Who? to determine the champion of the North Pole Region.

 

No. 2 Jack Campbell Who? Destroys Underdog Enhanced

North Pole, AK. – On October 1st, 2022, Blake Corum juked Jack Campbell out of his shoes. It appears that the All-American linebacker was wearing glass slippers instead of cleats. Maybe the heels aided in his demise, but ultimately, the glass shattered from the impact of the juke being far too much for him to handle. Cinderella now has no chance at the prince as Enhanced lost its Sweet Sixteen match with Jack Campbell Who? 65-11.

Being an underdog hadn’t mattered to number 11 Enhanced in its earlier contests with 6-seed DARIUS CORNELIUS JOHNSON and 3-seed Those Who Stay. A first round rout and a hard-fought second round victory had spirits high going into the big Sweet Sixteen matchup. After watching Jack Campbell fall back down to earth a bit in the second round, giving up 21 votes, there was even some optimism in the locker room that this was their game to take. “Everything felt good. Our chemistry in practice. The communication from leadership. Coaches were dialed-in. We had everything you need to pull off this kind of victory, we just couldn’t get the actual votes, and at the end of the day that’s all that matters” said Enhanced Coach Hims.

For Jack Campbell’s part, Head Coach Roger Daltrey has already moved on to the next game. “We’re happy with this win, for sure, but we have much more to accomplish this tournament. All credit to Enhanced for what they’ve done to make it this far, but our eyes are set forward. We have a big matchup with the top seed, so our focus has to be on them. It’s going to take everything we have to conquer them. I believe we have what it takes.”

After receiving 85% of the votes in this round, they certainly had what it took to move on. Their Elite Eight game against Mike Sainristil, AKA Fat Ann Arbor Squirrel pits two of the hottest teams in the tournament against each other. Both have scored over 50 in every tournament match so far. The winner will punch their ticket to the Final Four.

 

1. Mike Sainristil, AKA Fat Ann Arbor Squirrel

https://gfycat.com/ambitiouspeskygraywolf

vs.

2. Jack Campbell Who?

https://gfycat.com/similarpreciouscougar

 

 

The Dangerous Tunnel Region

From Sweet to Elite: Ground Assault Becomes First 16-Seed in Elite Eight

Ann Arbor, Mich. – The record-breaking streak continues as 16-seed Ground Assault crushed 5-seed FuckFuckFuckFuck.gif 60-14. After becoming the first-ever lowest seed to make it past the 2nd round, the ultimate underdog is the first in the long, single-year history of the tournament to be one of the last 8 teams alive. Of course, the seeding has not come without controversy.

Fans have been outraged about Ground Assault’s placement since the seeding was announced. “Sometimes the committee just gets the seedings wrong” said fan Chaco. Another fan, Blue@LSU had harsh words for the committee as well: “A dagger in the heart of OSU should always be a heavy favorite.” Even Fuck’s Head Coach, Rex Ryan, thought the seeding was unfair. “I don’t know what the fuck these assholes are doing. The committee really shit on the rest of the field with their dumbass seeding. I understand the tournament gets more difficult in the later rounds, but when we see a 16-seed we don’t expect a juggernaut fuckin’ Ohio State touchdown in the 4th quarter. What the fuck even is that? Is there just one fuckin’ guy behind a computer picking these seeds out of his ass? That’s what it looks like. We got screwed. I want an investigation into this shit.”

As far as the team itself goes, Ground Assault is taking the seeding in stride. “We could have viewed it as disrespectful, but that’s just not our style. At the beginning of this tournament, we hadn’t earned anything yet, so why should we complain about the seeding? We knocked off a top seed, and now teams are giving us the respect we deserve. They’ve made us earn it, so we’re earning it. When at the end of the tournament we’re the last ones standing, the seeding won’t matter anymore. All that matters is winning at this point” explains Head Coach Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

After almost doubling up top seeded One Does Not Merely Throw Corum in the first round, Ground Assault needed overtime to overtake its Spanish-speaking clone, Look At That Hole Pt. Dos, 57-51. They have continually proven they belong in the top tier, posting over 50 votes in every round so far. They now face a team that has equally dominated in 2-seed Yeah, Well, So Did Purdue.

 

2-Seed Yeah, Well, So Did Purdue Wins Battle of the Brothers

Ann Arbor, Mich. – In a game dubbed “The Battle of the Brothers” by me (I just decided), the higher seeded Yeah, Well, So Did Purdue rolled over This Phone Booth Is, In Fact, Big Enough For The Both Of Us 58-16. Thus far in the tournament, both teams were eerily similar. In addition to both being Donovan Edwards runs from the B1G Championship game, the teams dispatched easily of both 1st and 2nd round opponents, plus both have two commas! However, only Yeah, Well was able to keep up their output seen earlier in the tournament. Having beaten opponents by over 50 votes on average, the 2-seed was able to approach that total en route to the Elite Eight.

Head Coach Mickey Mantle described the team’s preparation heading into the game: “We watched a lot of film going into this one and really could see ourselves in so much of what they were doing. That helped us diagnose what they were trying to accomplish on the fly. We recognized their offensive scheme and shut it down. Our defense was able to hold them to so few votes because we’ve been practicing against this kind of offense all year. When you don’t have to rely on your scout team to emulate a player you don’t have, the 1’s can get more reps in and really focus in on stopping the opponent. They’re a great team, we love what they do, but that gave us the edge we needed to dominate at every level.”

The defense seemed to be a problem for Phone Booth. It was the key to the game according to their DC Kiefer Sutherland. “When you can’t tackle, you can’t win. Arm tackles weren’t going to bring them down and that’s all we were offering. That’s on me as a coach. They were better prepared for us than we were for them, and our defense paid the price. They did a great job of disguising what they were doing next and they threw some things at us that we didn’t expect. Deception can’t go unrewarded. They were ready for us and the scoreboard reflects that.”

With its place in the championship game for The Dangerous Tunnel Region, Yeah, Well will play 16-seed Ground Assault with a spot in the Final Four up for grabs.

 

16. Ground Assault

https://gfycat.com/harmfuldeafeningblackfootedferret

vs.

2. Yeah, Well, So Did Purdue

https://gfycat.com/richcompassionatecuckoo

 

 

Ben Herbert X-Factor Region

Tournament Favorite Speed Kills Pitches a Shutout

Pittsburgh, Penn. – Despite the largest spread of the Sweet Sixteen by far at -65.5, top seed Speed Kills somehow found a way to cover while also completing an improbable shutout of 4-seed Karma. With a score of 74-0, Speed took Karma behind the proverbial woodshed, carefully dismantled it piece by piece, lit each piece on fire individually, then snapped the infinity gauntlet to turn the ashes into microscopic shards of ashes that were then put in an urn and shot into the sun.

Asked for comment after the “game,” Karma Head Coach Mork ItsaDiGiorno simply shook his head, muttered something about pride under his breath, and smashed a helmet into a nearby wall before stomping away like a grumpy toddler.

Paul Walker, the headman for Speed Kills, ignored the outburst that could be heard from his nearby postgame press conference. In it, he spoke about his team’s success. “We have some extraordinary individuals on this team who give maximum effort. Our leaders are superb and really set the tone for us all season long. Every leader on this team is motivating our guys to greatness. They make the plays that matter every single time. In the biggest moments and the subtle, unnoticed times they are doing exactly what they have to do to carry our team to victory. It is through them that we function as a unit, and it’s through their leadership that we can compete for a championship.”

So far, Speed Kills has only seen 5 votes go against it this tournament. With an average offensive output of over 77 votes per round, the combination leaves them a heavy tournament favorite. Next is a matchup with 2-seed $$$$$ to decide the winner of the Ben Herbert X-Factor Region and clinch the Final Four.

Editor's note: Some jokester voted for Karma as I was putting this all together. I'm sticking with the shutout score. I think everyone but that dick would agree Speed Kills deserves it.

 

$$$$$ Pulls Away Late, Knocks Out Indiana Is Bad At Two-Hand Touch 42-32

Pittsburgh, Penn. – When it most needed a clutch vote, $$$$$ pulled through over Indiana Is Bad At Two-Hand Touch. The match between the 2 and 3 seed in the Ben Herbert X-Factor Region was tied for much of the time. The two teams went back and forth, neither getting the upper hand by more than a couple votes at a time. But with their season on the line, with all their goals riding on how they finished, $$$$$ was consistent and steady. They never wavered and in the end, squinting ahead at their future accomplishments, they pushed the last few votes over the finish line. It destroyed the will of Indiana, who ended up losing by double-digits.

“Just a tough way to end the season. I just got out of the locker room and I went to every player individually and told them how proud I was of their effort,” said a tearful Kirk Cousins, Head Coach for Two Hand Touch. “It’s difficult coming into a close matchup like this where both teams stack up so well against each other, then find that you can play with them and keep yourself in it all day, only for the win to slip from your fingers at the end. It’s frustrating. There’s no one to blame here, no specific play we could have made to make up the difference. I’m proud to say that we never quit, it’s just so difficult to catch back up when you haven’t been able to truly go on a big run all game. Congrats to $$$$$ and good luck to them, but we’re sad that we’re heading home instead moving on.”

On the winning side, $$$$$ OC Ty Dolla $ign spoke highly of his players’ ability to take it to another level at the end. “They were absolutely clutch. You know when you have a team you can depend on to take everything you taught them, every rep they practiced, and translate that to that final push at the end. I knew coming into this one that we had those kind of guys, I just had to give them that nudge at the end. I told them in the huddle in the final minutes, “do you want this win, or nah?” and they took it from there. They escalated their game and that last run was what we needed for the W.”

$$$$$ now moves on to their biggest test of the season in Speed Kills in the Regional Final. Speed Kills has yet to have a team score double digits on them, while $$$$$ has yet to hold a team to single digits this tournament.

 

1. Speed Kills

https://gfycat.com/eagerbeautifulduiker

vs.

2. $$$$$

https://gfycat.com/advancedhonestblackfish

 

 

Blake Corum NIL Thanksgiving Turkey Region

Final Frame against MSU Falls, FOOL Wins

Marshall, Va. – FOOL has proven what the people want most. Do they want to beat rivals? Of course. Do they want to raise trophies over their enemies? Certainly. But what do they want more than anything else? They want to see cool-ass plays on a football field. While He’s Home had a great run, defeating a dark horse candidate in This Is The Internet. I Am Having Fun. along the way, in the end, they just looked like a fool. A 56-16 curb-stomping, with the 1-seed putting 4-seed He’s Home in its place, the best team was never in doubt. From start to finish FOOL put on a clinic, only letting up at the end to rest their starters for the Elite Eight.

A disheartened Head Coach for He’s Home, Phillip Phillips, took full responsibility for the loss. “I told our team that this fell on my shoulders. I need to reevaluate as we head into next season. I thought we had a good plan going in, but clearly it wasn’t a good plan because it fell completely flat. There were plays that we were not prepared for. There were weaknesses that were there and our play calling wasn’t anywhere close to what was needed to take advantage of those opportunities. Our guys played their hearts out and I let them down. To all our fans who really enjoyed us beating MSU this year, I’m so sorry for failing you.”

During the press conference, team captains Jim Parsons and Josh Lucas came out of the locker room to encourage their coach. “We appreciate coach’s leadership. True leadership is reflected by humility, and no one embodies that more than Coach Phillips,” said Parsons. Lucas added “This is a team loss. Every win is a team win and every loss is a team loss. We’ll learn from this and come back even stronger next year.”

In a starkly similar manner, Coach Mr. T took the podium for FOOL and was somber as he spoke of the future. “We take nothing for granted. We’re glad for this win, but we are not dwelling on the small successes. We expect these kinds of accomplishments. In the grand scheme of our goals, the Elite Eight counts as a small victory. As subtle as the next rep in the weight room or winning the next route on the field. We don’t celebrate what’s expected. We move forward with that mentality so that we can accomplish something truly worth celebrating. I pity anyone who sets expectations so low for their team that they’re excited about their season not ending. We’ve earned this 1-seed for a reason. Our season ends with a banner and a ring, period.”

In their quest for a championship, FOOL will next come up against underdog And My Favorite Angle in the Elite Eight.

 

Underdog Continues Deep Run to the Elite Eight

Marshall, Va. – The score was 55-17. The game was a 3-seed versus a 10-seed. One would think the higher seed routed the lower, but And My Favorite Angle had other ideas. From one dagger to another, the underdog took it to Exhale and ran away with the win. It isn’t the first time this tournament the team from the back half of the seeding has played like a top team. In both the 1st and 2nd rounds And My Favorite Angle blasted their opponent, holding each to single digit votes. With the Sweet Sixteen victory tacked on, it makes for two TDs against OSU with double digit seeds in the Elite Eight.

The only way they’ll see each other in the tournament is in the championship game. Coach Angel Hernandez was asked about that possibility after the game. “While that would be a fun game, we’re getting ahead of ourselves if we begin thinking about championship matchups. We’re just trying to win the Blake Corum NIL Thanksgiving Turkey Region right now. That’s the next thing we can win, so that’s what we’re going for, and I think we have a great shot at doing so. If we win that, then we can think about winning a Final Four game, and so on. We’re dedicated to what’s next. That’s how we’ve made it as far as we have and won in the fashion we have. It isn’t broken, so we’re not fixing it.”

Meanwhile, Exhale finds a promising season cut short of expectations. What seemed to be a season-defining play early on was surpassed by even greater plays by season’s end. Coach J.J. McCarthy still thought he had his team in a good position, even after slipping to a 3-seed by the beginning of the tournament. He expressed his disappointment in his typical fashion. “This isn’t the end for us, and we know that. It’s always hard to fall and fail as we have, but our mental game is stronger and will overcome these obstacles. We cannot afford to lose focus. There is no offseason. We’ll take the momentum we built these season, run with it, and move into next season beginning today.”

While Exhale’s season is over, And My Favorite Angle now faces FOOL in the Regional Final, with the winner making Final Four.

 

1. FOOL

https://gfycat.com/ancienteminentblacklab

vs.

10. And My Favorite Angle

https://gfycat.com/essentialdelightfulhammerheadshark