Intro:

What’s the German word for “genuinely and sincerely rooting for someone’s success, but also vindictively satisfied - in a way I’m more than a little ashamed of - when that certain someone learns a hard lesson about their skill set and the decisions they’ve made”? There MUST be a German word which encapsulates that specific emotion.

Under the “skilled” “tutelage” of “Offensive” “Coordinator” “Brian” Ferentz, Old Frenemy Cade McNamara and Deacon “The Deacon” Hill have together accomplished what took Iowa QBs all of 2022: exactly seven TDs (and exactly seven INTs). This is, umm, probably not something that Cade and The Deacon should be proud of in Week 10:

McNamara is still the leading passer…

And I would TOTALLY watch a show called “Cade and The Deacon.” Cade McNamara stars as young hotshot FBI agent Cade McNamara, who goes undercover to investigate a points-shaving scandal in the B1G West…which somehow involves the clergy (directed by Francis Ford Coppola). Deacon “The Deacon” Hill is his primary suspect, but unbeknownst to McNamara, The Deacon is also an undercover agent. Hilarity ensues as these two inept tours-de-force consistently confound each other’s investigations. Sofia Coppola and Nic Cage share a role (a la the Olsen twins) as The Deacon’s adult daughter - also an undercover agent and McNamara’s love interest - who’s trying to save Hill from the terrors of his own corn-mafia past, and for some reason undercover agent Kevin Hart (played by Kevin Hart) occasionally shows up to half-yell something completely irrelevant to the plot.

Side note, anyone else remember that period where Wanda Sykes was in damn near half the movies released, playing the snarky, irreverent-but-low-key-wise, “for some reason the protagonist keeps them around” character, who would get a hard-cut closeup and a one-liner at the end of every scene? That’s Kevin Hart. They recast Wanda Sykes, except younger, male, and a whole lot less low-key-wise.

Not cool! Justice for Wanda! Wanda for Iowa OC next year!

Week 10 Update

One-Sentence* Summary:

Northwestern gazed into the abyss, and the abyss gazed right back. The abyss wears black and gold and goes by “Cooper”. The abyss shrugs as it returns punts to set up amazing field position. The abyss is infuriatingly friendly as it sacks your QB and breaks up your passes. The abyss is actually pretty cool.

Two of the worst offenses in the country, definitely the worst two in the conference…but only one was taking on the best defense in the country, so this was a foregone conclusion. It is not a question of being able to score on Iowa - you can’t, not for much anyway; it is only a question of how much Iowa scores. They scored 10, which was enough to win 10-7 in a game that nobody had any business watching. The losing team had 170 total yards; the winning team had…169. Neither team cracked 2.5 yards per carry nor 4.3 yards per pass. This game was bad.

I’ve written some form of the previous paragraph 7 times this season after starting Iowatch in Week 2. Iowa has had exactly one game (Penn State) where the takeaway wasn’t “my god their defense is being hung out to dry by their offense but my god that defense.” Even their 41-point outburst against noted powerhouse Western Michigan was a defensive masterpiece that the offense just sorta occasionally featured in, like Kevin Hart making some kind of snarky comment and pretending that he belongs on the same screen as his costars.

Stop, Stop! He’s Already Dead

Farewell, “Saving Private Brian” section; there’s no saving him, not even if Tom Hanks shows up.

It is hilariously cruel that “Offensive” “Coordinator” “Brian” Ferentz gets to (has to??) coach the rest of the season. I mean…what is there about an interim OC that could possibly be worse for the Hawkeyes?? Do they get nervous that they might score less?? Are they so concerned that without Brian Ferentz, ace QB Coach, that somehow their level of QB play will get worse???

Just fire the man, pay out the rest of his contract, and let the poor guy take a nap.

Futility Rate

I had REALLY hoped that for the rest of the season, Lame Duck “Offensive” “Coordinator” “Brian” Ferentz, soon to be demoted to Just Brian Thanks, would have a “Lloyd Carr’s amazing but infuriating final game” trajectory where they unmercifully lay waste their opponents and Iowa fans would, for decades, wonder “where was that offense hiding all that time???!!!”

But no. Turns out that there was no extra gear, that B-Fer (a nickname I just made up, I intended this to be pronounced “Be Fair”, but it kinda seems like it should be “Beefer”… so this is a nickname I will never use again and will apologize for if I ever meet Ferentz The Younger) was just doing the best he could with the cards he …uhhh…dealt…himself.

RB Receptions are Moneyball, Dammit

Iowa threw two passes to their RBs…for negative 5 yards. Thankfully, fullbacks exist, so their 15-yard pass to the fullback increments this graph by 10 yards. Not even 100 total Moneyball yards in WEEK 10! Ready for a keyboard mash? Djklfdsakjlfdshjklg. That doesn’t do it justice. Fsiewklnjdfsnlmfds. Still not enough.

There is no curse Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Man for this treachery. I bet there’s something in Klingon which could capture my frustration.

One-Phase Football

Apparently, giving up a TD to Northwestern’s offense is crime enough to lose the “top defense” rating. So it’s MICHIGAN with the #1 SP+ defense for the second time this season. And you know what that means: Iowa gets the yellow. #2 means yellow, #3 means red, and at #4 or below I’m going to start gradient-ing in some black, because without the absolute best defense in the country, the blackness of sweet oblivion will start tugging at the edges of Iowa fans’ vision.

At this point I’m starting to get excited that Iowa will take their place in history as one of the most mismatched offenses and defenses in the history of football. It’s gonna be a photo finish - they’re up against some stiff competition in that category from the 1970s and there were more teams being measured in those days, hence more opportunity for variance in SP+ rankings.

So I’m very ambivalent about hoping that Iowa will appear in the B1G Championship game, because even though the subsequent hamblasting will probably be good to knock a few points off their SP+ offense…it’ll likely be at the cost of a few points from their SP+ defense.

Hey, It Could Be Worse

Northwestern has the #119 offense, but there’s something more important to discuss here. Someone bets the over on Iowa games. WHO IS BETTING THE OVER ON IOWA GAMES?????