Jon Falk in 1997 [UM Bentley Library]

PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie

The last half-century of the battle for the Jug has been extremely lopsided. Since Bo Schembechler arrived in Ann Arbor, Michigan has won 38 of 42 matchups against the Gophers, dontchaknow. But the recent history has been marked with a particular ingredient that gives a distinct flavor to the rivalry: quarterbacking weirdness.

In five of the last seven games, Michigan has hit the Random Quarterback Generator button heading into the Minnesota game, with wildly unpredictable results.

In 2007, Michigan started young Ryan Mallett in place of an injured Chad Henne. Mallett threw for 233 yards, one TD, and no INTs. His 11.7 yards per attempt were more than double his non-Minnesota average of 5.4 YPA. It was the statistical high point of his Michigan career.

In 2008, 2-7 Michigan was a 93-point underdog [*citation needed*] to 7-2 Minnesota, and turned to Nick Sheridan. There was not reason to expect this move to go well. And the result was one of the most unexpected quarterbacking outbursts in recent Michigan memory. Sheridan threw for 208 yards on over 6.8 yards per attempt, as Michigan routed Minnesota 29-6. Sheridan didn't crack 100 yards passing in any other game in his career.

LOLWUT

In 2012, as the result of the most soul-crushing ulnar nerve compression in the history of elbows, the first non-dilithium-fueled quarterback to start for Michigan in 35 games took the reins. Devin Gardnermade the move back from wide receiver to quarterback and made his first career start, and promptly threw for 234 yards on 18 attempts (13 yards per pass). Michigan beat Minnesota 35-13

In 2014... hell, do we really need to talk about this? Brady Hoke chose to start Shane Morris to teach some sort of J. Walter Weatherman-type lesson about something, and fittingly, Morris proceeded to get a limb ripped off. Hoke left a clearly hurt Morris in the game too long, until a clear shot to the head left Morris physically unable to continue (or to stand properly). Morris later went BACK into the game for random helmet-related reasons, and then... well, you all remember the rest.

2015 started off pretty normally, with Jake Rudock starting as he had every week. But midway through the third quarter, Rudock got nailed and injured his shoulder, and redshirt freshman Wilton Speight stepped in. Speight - who was 0-4 passing in his college career at that point, struggled early, but put together the go-ahead touchdown drive, before Michigan formed a f***ing wall and held on to reclaim the jug.

Now, here we are in the brave new world of 2017, and Michigan is once again going to be sending a new quarterback out to face the Gophers. This time, it is messiahdemigod redshirt freshman Brandon Peters.

The downside here is obvious: quarterbacks get better over time, which means their first start is primed to be their... let's say, their not-best start. But the transition costs of a new signal caller seem to be baked into this rivalry already. And with Minnesota suffering some injuries in the back seven of their defense and Michigan's running game perking up, there is no reason this can't be another surprising quarterback outing.

Michigan 27, Minnesota 10

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COUNTERPUNT

By Nick RoUMel

Last night I attended Michigan Basketball’s home opener with “Punt Classic” (that’s ex-Punt, a.k.a. Ken “Sky” Walker, to all you little shavers out there). We were surprisingly impressed with the potential of this squad, and excited about Kentucky transfer Charles Matthews, whom PC predicted will be the star of this team.

Not one and done.

As we were leaving Crisler Arena Center, we noticed strange lettering on the floor of the concourse, with Yoda-like phrases like, “Loud let the bells them ring,” and “Far we their praises tell.” I timidly offered, “Lyrics to ‘The Victors?’” Punt Classic confidently said, “Nah.”

Well I was right, and—as he was so often as Punt—Sky Walker was WRONG.

My revenge for his refusal to guest-write today’s column for me.

Now the lyrics to the “Yellow and Blue” are a whole ’nother kettle of fish, with the catchiest line being, “Blue are the curtains that evening has spun, The slumbers of Phoebus to woo…”

Phoebus the Greek God, a.k.a. Apollo …. or the eponymous Maize and Blue “Hunchback” antagonist?

But you didn’t come here to read disambiguated mythology. You came for my prediction. And about that … it’s not going to be a very good one.

Yes, I’ve (uncharacteristically) been Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm for most of this season. Yes, I love my Maize and Blue, for the glory and fame they've bro’t us. But we’ve learned they’ve got more holes than Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway at the end of “Bonnie and Clyde.” 90.9% new starters on defense. A young and shaky offensive line, especially on the right side. Wide receivers who make us miss great duos like Desmond and Derrick, David and Marquise, Mercury and Amani.

Feeling pretty sunny, just before the ambush.

And at QB: Brandon Peters is no more a messiah after Rutgers than Chris Zurbrugg was after Illinois in ’84, Tate Forcier after Notre Dame in ’09, or John O’Korn after Purdue in ’17. I truly hope Peters has a long and marvelous Michigan career, but he started the season third on the depth chart for a reason.

I have unshakeable faith in Jim Harbaugh and the future of this squad, and I will cheer with might and main. But this year’s version is likely staring down a 2-2 finish.

Here they come with banners flying, in stalwart step they're nighing, with shouts of vict'ry crying … fortunately, they are just good enough to beat the Gophers.

Michigan 23, Minnesota 20