[Scheduling Note: We're doing MGoRadio today at Noon because Seth has a religious holiday tonight]

About Last Week

Barron

/record scratch/

Yep, that’s me. I bet you’re wondering how I got into this situation.

The Road Ahead

Bowling Green (1-1, 0-0 MAC)

Last week: Beat Eastern Illinois, 38-15

Recap: Bad team beats up very bad team. Film at 11.

This team is as frightening as (Author mentally wrote this while looking around the kitchen trying to think of what to make for dinner edition): Leftover chicken salad. Best case scenario (and also by far the most likely scenario): meh, its fine. Outside chance of violent diarrhea if things go bad. Fear Level = 2

Michigan should worry about: Bowling Green has a pair of 10-win seasons in the last decade, which is 2 more than Indiana, Maryland, and Rutgers combined.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: BG gave up 5.5 yards per play against Eastern Illinois.

When they play Michigan: Poor damn Connor Bazelak.

Next game: @ Michigan, 7:30 p.m., BTN (BG +40)
 

[AFTER THE JUMP: More, obviously]

Rutgers (2-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Temple, 36-7

Recap: The score might not be reflective of this contest, as this was a 13-7 game in the fourth quarter before Rutgers pulled away late. Gavin Wimsatt only completed 10 of 21 passes, but those 10 completions gained 198 yards. A lot of that was easy yardage on screens and Temple’s philosophical aversion to defending the flats, but he did throw one nice deep ball that hit JaQuae Jackson in stride for 61 yards. Completion percentage notwithstanding, Rutgers’ 9.4 YPA was their most efficient outing against an FBS team since 2019. Kyle Monangai gained 165 yards on 28 carries, but Temple’s front 7 is really quite bad, so in terms of how much to read into that, your mileage may vary.

This team is as frightening as: Juicero.

Was supposed to be a “glimpse into the future” type of acquisition, only to later discover that the future looked nothing like a future where one would want a Juicero. Never really seemed like it would be worth it, ended up being even less “worth it” than we could possibly have imagined, but it’s too late to return it. Mostly serves to take up space at this point. Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: Dating back to last year, Gavin Wimsatt has now gone three and a half games and 74 pass attempts without throwing an interception. Rutgers is also figuring out how to use his legs. It’s still VERY much a work in progress, but it’s at least progressing.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Harbaugh back.

When they play Michigan: For the tenth—and oh please sweet 6 pound 8 ounce Baby Big Ten Jesus, the last — year in a row.

Next game: vs. Virginia Tech, 3:30 p.m., BTN (Rutgers -4.5)
 

Nebraska (0-2, 0-1 B1G)

Last week: Lost at Colorado, 36-14

Recap: One of the only academic conversations I remember from high school was a discussion from my eleventh grade English class regarding The Grapes of Wrath. For those who never had to read it, The Grapes of Wrath was the story of a dust bowl farming family who migrated west during the Great Depression, and my teacher was asking us to explore the symbolism of the Joad’s truck. She argued that it represented the complicated relationship with modernity, and while it was their only viable path to the future, it also demonstrated the difficulty of such a path. I, a sarcastic 17-year-old, thought this to be monumentally dumb, even by the standards of eleventh grade English class symbolism. It’s a truck. It moves people and stuff from the place they are NOW to the place they want to be LATER. That’s not symbolism. That’s literally what the thing does. Sometimes riding in a truck sucks. Sometimes trucks break down. That’s not allegorical. That’s just descriptive.

And then I watched Jeff Sims play. And now I get it.

Nebraska is in a bad place. They’ve been in a bad place for a long time. They are making a long, painful journey towards an unknown but hopefully brighter future. But to try to get there, their fates are tethered to a literal and figurative Ramblin’ Wreck. They have no other choice, and they know that if it breaks down, they will be even more monumentally screwed than they already are. But oh lord what an awkward, uncomfortable precarious ride.

Sims has turned the ball over eight times in two games, and has done so in a manner so painful and brazen that, if he were alive, Steinbeck himself would probably yell, “okay, we GET it, the road was long and difficult, move it along.” But he also posted a 57-yard touchdown run. So, I guess you need him.

The defense played its part; they sacked Colorado eight times, and kept the Huskers in the game long past the point where it was clear it just wasn’t going to matter.

This team is as frightening as: There ain't no sin and there ain't no virtue. There's just stuff people do.

Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: Nebraska’s defense looks vastly improved on a fundamental level, especially when it comes to tackling. For all its flaws, Colorado has some dudes at the skill positions, and I don’t know if the Buffs broke a single tackle during the “it still matters” portion of the game. They also lead the conference with 11 sacks.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: As if the Sims experience wasn’t tenuous enough, Nebraska’s receivers have developed a case of the drops.

When they play Michigan: Y’all ain’t making it to California.

Next game: vs. Northern Illinois, 7:00 p.m., FS1 (Nebraska -11)
 

Minnesota (2-0, 1-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Eastern Michigan, 25-6

Recap: And thus ends Minnesota’s one-game experiment as a passing team.

The Gophers ran the ball on 55 of their 71 offensive plays for 297 yards (5.4 yards per carry) and 2 TDs, with freshman running back Darius Taylor taking over the bulk of the workload from senior Sean Tyler. The change may reflect a change in the backfield pecking order, or it might have been because Tyler fumbled twice. Either way, 5.4 yards per carry sounds great, but EMU allowed Howard to rush for 6.2 yards per carry last week, so maybe we hold off a bit before we declare the running game fixed.

If anything, though, the score is deceptive. Minnesota only had eight possessions in this game and never punted; they lost one fumble, threw a pick, and turned the ball over on downs once, but they generally moved the ball at will against the Eagles.

This team is as frightening as: Potato masher. Pretty effective at the one thing it’s designed to do ⁠— mash, duh⁠— but if you use it for a task even a LITTLE bit different from the one thing it is designed to do, even if it’s theoretically capable of that task, and you’ll look like an idiot. Fear Level = 6

Michigan should worry about: Through two games, Minnesota has only allowed 16 points. That’s fourth-best in the country among teams who have played 2 FBS opponents, behind only Michigan, Oklahoma, and… Rutgers?

Michigan can sleep soundly about: I don’t see how Minnesota’s interior OL holds up to Michigan’s defensive tackles.

When they play Michigan: Minnesota has only scored touchdowns on 3 of their 8 trips to the red zone, but they have also allowed 0 red zone TDs on their opponents’ 4 attempts. Given that we don’t know yet whether Michigan has really fixed their 2022 red zone issues, that could end up being relevant. Fortunately, we have seen how an “outcome-determinative red zone trips in Minneapolis” game plays out in the recent past.

Next game: @ North Carolina, 3:30 p.m., ESPN (Minnesota +7.5)

 

Indiana (1-1, 0-1 B1G)

Last week: Beat Indiana State, 41-7

Recap: Suck it, Larry Bird.

Granted, this was an Indiana State team that lost 27-0 to Eastern Illinois, who lost to Bowling Green 38-15 in Week 1. But still. Suck it, Larry.

This team is as frightening as: Dedicated banana slicer.

If it’s possible to overcomplicate the most boring thing imaginable, that’s Indiana football. Fear Level = 3

Michigan should worry about: When he wasn’t playing Ohio State in his first real career action, Tayven Jackson completed 86% of his passes at 11.2 yards per attempt.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Most of that production was the Walt Bell “we’ll force you to spread the field using a series of long handoff-type screens and then use the resulting space to dominate the interior running game, allowing us to plod our way down the field like a hyperactive diplodocus” stuff that will work against Indiana State and will SUPER not work against real defenses.

When they play Michigan: Look, is ONE Orji Time too much to ask?

Next game: vs. Louisville, noon, BTN (IU +9.5)

 

Michigan State (2-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Richmond, 45-14

Recap: We don’t have to talk about it. Because this portion of the column is about Michigan State. And Mel Tucker doesn’t matter to Michigan State.

He stopped mattering to the Michigan State football in about an 18-hour period. When Saturday began, Tucker was guaranteed to be Michigan State’s head football coach for years to come. By dinner time, his firing was all but a formality. He issued a statement, and no one cared. No one even feigned like they were going to circle the wagons. The only people to bite were the Clay Travises and Zach Smiths of the world.

This isn’t even a Michigan State University story. Sure, there are some questions about timelines and who knew what and why it took so long to bring this to a conclusion. But those are process questions in the kind of procedurally tricky area where every school is going to struggle. They’re the same kinds of questions that would have arisen if Mel Tucker was a Professor of Cigar Sciences as opposed to the head football coach. State needs to get better in this area. So do Michigan and Purdue and Southwest Texas State and ITT Tech. It’s a tough area to get right, and if they erred, it seems like they erred on the side of letting the Title IX claim play out, which isn’t nothing.

No, this one is just about Mel, and about the biggest and dumbest fumbling of a secured bag in the history of bag-securing. The man was owed a guaranteed $77 Million to do a job at which he was demonstrably mediocre, and he gambled it away on a series of acts whose stupidity cannot be accurately described using only the English language.

So Mel will have his hearing, the outcome of which is not in doubt because one of the two people involved is smart and the other is bald. Odds are that, like his defenses, he won’t even show up. He’ll whine about cancel culture and wokeness, he’ll get a few million dollars as a parting gift, and we won’t have to hear from or about Mel Tucker ever again.

Sorry, couldn’t help it.

We’ll discuss our Spartan brethren in our usual stupid detail next week. No need to try to glean anything further from a team that just exploded and will have to be reassembled by a 67-year-old Mark Dantonio.

Next game: vs. Washington, 5:00 p.m., Peacock (MSU +16)

 

Purdue (1-1, 0-0 B1G)

Last week: Won at Virginia Tech, 24-17

Recap: I love college football. Even ⁠— and sometimes especially ⁠— bad football. And I’m guessing that, if you’re reading this, you do to. College football is great, and more college football is better than less college football.

But “nine hours of Purdue/Virginia Tech” is too much. They should not do that.

This game was delayed by rain for nearly five and a half hours, meaning that it kicked off at noon and didn’t finish until well after dark. As someone who returned to the 2014 Michigan/Utah game after a rain delay less than half as long and who still feels a vague sense of shame about that, I can’t imagine the thoughts of those driving home from Blacksburg after this one.

On the field, Purdue outgained Virginia Tech 427-286, but blew a 17-0 lead before taking the lead for good with 8 minutes left. The Boilers obliterated the Hokie running game, allowing only 44 rushing yards on 19 carries (sack-adjusted).

This team is as frightening as: The kitchen fan built installed above your stovetop which is not vented to the outdoors. Yes, you’re moving things around… but to what end? Fear Level = 5

Michigan should worry about: This might be the best offensive line Michigan faces in their first 8 games.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: It’s tough to convey tone on the Internet, but if you read that last sentence with a sense of reverence or veneration, you need to re-read it. And maybe this time put the emphasis on the word “this,” rather than the word “best.”

When they play Michigan: I’m starting to talk myself into this being the Stupid Game That Is Close For No Real Reason. Join me, won’t you?

Next game: vs. Syracuse, 7:30 p.m., NBC (Purdue +2.5)

 

Penn State (2-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Delaware, 63-7

Recap: I know that as a Michigan fan I have very little room to complain here, but WOOF there were some bad games this week.

This team is as frightening as: Box grater.

Approach it correctly and you’ll be fine. But if you goof up, you’re gonna lose some blood.  Fear Level = 9

Michigan should worry about: It’s early, but I’m relatively sold on the premise of Drew Allar. He’s completing 78% of his passes at 9.6 yards per attempt. That doesn’t mean it will definitely work ⁠— first year Christian Hackenberg completed 72% of his passes for 9.3 YPA in his first three starts ⁠— but the presumption is that he’s gonna work out unless something changes (like, as with Hackenberg, he gets muddled like a mint julep one time too many).

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Small sample sizes and whatnot, but Nick Singleton’s yards-per-carry average is down by more than 2.1 YPC, from 6.8 to 4.7. And despite having two home run hitting backs and playing two pretty mediocre defenses, Penn State only has one carry on the season of 20+ yards.

When they play Michigan: Based on their respective current paces, JJ McCarthy and Drew Allar will enter the game with a combined 4,892 passing yards, 40.5 TDs and 0 INTs.

Next game: @ Illinois, Big Noon Saturday, FOX (PSU -14)

 

Maryland (2-0, 0-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Charlotte, 38-20

Goodnight, sweet prince

Recap: The score might not look inspiring, but Maryland was down 14-0 five minutes into the game thanks to a long touchdown pass and a Taulia Tagovialoa pick six, so it could have been much, much worse.

A bad sign for Maryland was that Bad Taulia made a reappearance. He threw two bad picks, as well as a couple of other balls that probably should have been intercepted. These weren’t even off of broken Madden Scramble plays; they were from clean pockets.

This team is as frightening as: Shitty dorm microwave. Heats up, but incredibly inconsistently. Passably good at the thing it does, but not particularly versatile. Your RA says they’re dangerous, but you haven’t been zapped yet so it should be fine. Fear Level = 7

Michigan should worry about: Roman Hemby is currently #1 in the Big Ten and #7 nationally in yards from scrimmage with 144.5 yards per game.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: In Towson and Charlotte, Maryland has played the two most “kids in your 2nd grader’s class” names of anyone in Division 1. Good for setting up play-dates. Bad for getting a read on how good you are at football.

When they play Michigan: Mid-November almost certainly means a disappointing lack of cutoff sweatshirts.

Next game: vs. Virginia, 7:00 p.m. FRIDAY, FS1 (Maryland -14)

 

Ohio State (2-0, 1-0 B1G)

Last week: Beat Youngstown State, 35-7

Recap: For a lot of teams, even elite teams, a 35-7 win over a cupcake would be anything but a cause for concern. Hell, Michigan beat a cupcake 35-7 mere hours after Ohio State beat the Penguins, and the general reaction from Michigan fans was, “yep, that was fine.” But most teams aren’t in the pit of Popov and Mountain Dew Code Red-fueled existential angst like the one in which Columbus currently resides. In the 13 games against non-Power 5 opponents since 2016, Ohio State averaged 53.1 points per game, and never scored fewer than 38 points. And those were all FBS opponents. Scoring 35 points against Youngstown State might not MEAN anything, but it certainly won’t soothe the savage broskis.

This team is as frightening as: Mandolin slicer.

Not sure why the movies make such a big deal out of guys removing the skin from their fingers so they don’t leave fingerprints. That process is available on Amazon for like $30

If you don’t give it the proper respect, it will certainly cause unimaginable pain and loss of blood. If you DO give it the proper respect, it will only PROBABLY cause unimaginable pain and loss of blood. Fear Level = 10

Michigan should worry about: Marvin Harrison still exists. He caught approximately 3 passes for 427 yards, 5 touchdowns, 12 rebounds and a rouge.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Ohio State formally named a starting quarterback, which means they have definitely solved their problems.

When they play Michigan: If Ohio State is still #114 in the country with a 30% third down conversion rate, I like Michigan’s odds.

Next game: vs. Western Kentucky, 4:00 p.m., FOX (OSU -27.5)

Objects in the Rearview Mirror

East Carolina (0-2, 0-0 AAC)

Last week: Lost to Marshall, 31-13

Recap: Overall, not a great showing for the “maybe East Carolina is secretly good” theory.

ECU was winning 13-10 with about 11 minutes remaining in the game, at which point the whole venture went a smidge awry. In those final 11 minutes, the Pirates gave up a 75-yard double-pass touchdown and a 56-yard touchdown run (after allowing Marshall to convert a 3rd and 16), and threw two picks. Mason Garcia had a brutal day through the air, going 10/23 for 62 yards (2.7 YPA) with a touchdown and a pick. He did, however, gain 118 yards on 16 carries, including a 57-yard touchdown.

Next game: vs. Appalachian State, 3:30 p.m., ESPN+ (ECU +9.5)