Jane Coaston crushes it (EDSBS)
It's here on the EDSBS page. Some selections:
Jim, I need you to beat Michigan State. I need you to beat Michigan State in a manner that would imply that Michigan State said something untoward to your wife. I need you to beat Michigan State by numbers our numerical system has no concept of. I need you to beat Michigan State.
And I need you to tattoo the face of Michigan radio announcer Jim Brandstatter onto your own face.
---
Now, hear me out, Jim Harbaugh.
Jim, I love Michigan. Love it. My blood cells are 30 percent BTB guacamole and 70 percent smug. I am deeply in love with the University of Michigan, down to those weirdo apartments on South Forest where nothing illegal happened that you or anyone can prove in a court of law. I operate best in 45 degree temperatures and hate excessive positivity. I love Michigan, and I know you do too.
But Jim Brandstatter loves Michigan more than us. More than anyone.
Just look at him. Look at how happy he is. Look how much he believes in Michigan. Offense isn't working? Why, that's just a sign that these boys are still learning. Defense gives up a big play? Just goes to show you how good our opposition is! Like you, he played for Bo, and he loves Bo, and he might visit Bo's grave like, once a week just to have some time to himself. I am unsure as to whether or not he has ever left the state of Michigan. He is the homeriest homer to ever homer, Jim.
And you need to tattoo Jim Brandstatter's face onto your face.
It would send such a message of support and belief, Jim, for you to tattoo Jim Brandstatter's face onto yours. It'd say, NFL teams, just stay away, because now Jim Harbaugh has Jim Brandstatter's face tattooed on his face, and he's a real Michigan Man now, and he'll never ever ever ever ever leave us. You can't get bored if you have Jim Brandstatter's face tattooed on your face. Think how sad Dan Rubenstein would be to be so wrong. Think about how sad our opposition would be that you will never, ever leave Michigan. Think about how happy this would make me.
This is all you have to do, Jim. Beat Michigan State like their forces were a mile outside of Moscow, and tattoo the face of Michigan radio announcer Jim Brandstatter onto your own face. Then, I'll be happy.
Well, until November. But we can talk more then.
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2015/10/15/9539633/jim-harbaugh…
October 15th, 2015 at 3:26 PM ^
solid piece, smaller selections next time though? Give Jane the clicks!
October 15th, 2015 at 3:20 PM ^
...I'm headed to the tatoo parlor--NOW!
October 15th, 2015 at 3:21 PM ^
laugh-free.
While I agree with the beat Sparty bit, this piece is weird.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:25 PM ^
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October 15th, 2015 at 3:27 PM ^
I must be getting old, though.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:35 PM ^
Agreed. The tattoo shtick was a one-off joke, not worthy of half the article...
October 15th, 2015 at 3:25 PM ^
Not exactly my favorite, but following Jane on Twitter, reading some of her other stuff, I guess I kind of get where it's coming from and that helps. Could be true for others, like the OP.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:38 PM ^
Did you miss the part where she advocated for Harbaugh tattooing Brandstatter's face onto his own? I laughed a lot.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:43 PM ^
No we saw it
October 15th, 2015 at 4:07 PM ^
"No, I get it. That's very clever. How's that working out for you?"
"How what working out for me?
"Being clever."
"Oh, great.
"Well, then keep it up!"
October 15th, 2015 at 3:23 PM ^
Not the best they've done.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:27 PM ^
This one is trying too hard.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:29 PM ^
Definitely didn't crush it
October 15th, 2015 at 3:30 PM ^
Not a fan of her writing.
October 15th, 2015 at 4:20 PM ^
so friggin' spicy
October 15th, 2015 at 3:34 PM ^
She's been good to great at times but this is kind of a miss. Very entertaining on twitter.
Edit - Damn dude, you copied/pasted most of it.
October 15th, 2015 at 5:18 PM ^
She is a writer? First i have heard her name and looks like this was the first time she wrote for SB nation.
October 15th, 2015 at 8:13 PM ^
That's my bad, I was just looking at her recent activity and not her actual list of posts.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:33 PM ^
"Needy"
October 15th, 2015 at 3:35 PM ^
It's a continuation of a shtick she ran during the Harbaugh courting. So yeah, we were all needy.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:42 PM ^
So basically she's like the guy who tells you a funny joke one time, and you think he's hilarious, only to learn that he has no other funny jokes to tell, and even his one joke isn't funny anymore because he runs it into the ground.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:47 PM ^
So basically you're a guy that would take a short story about a couple songwriters and turn it into Ishtar. :)
No, didn't mean anything of the sort. Jane is awesome.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:37 PM ^
Why did she crush EDSBS?
October 15th, 2015 at 3:38 PM ^
if for nothing more than the BTB guac/smug line was just about right.
I'd put myself at 25% Blimpy's (when still at near-McDonald's prices), 30% Stroh's from VC's, 5% Coca Cola Big Bunnies from the C-store formerly down on Madison, and 40% Kiss My Arrogance.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:42 PM ^
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October 15th, 2015 at 3:45 PM ^
Not clever, not funny. Lacks depth, nuance and creativity. They've done much better work.
October 15th, 2015 at 5:22 PM ^
Big moment for me.
Thanks for reading.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:58 PM ^
I posted it because I thought she did a great job of satirizing the contours of Michigan fandom: our need to feel that our coaches are loyal and love Michigan as much (if not much more) than we do, the way that Michigan fans feel vindicated over the NFL crowd and respond with venom or dismissal whenever it is suggested that Harbaugh might leave, the fact that this game is 11 on the "desperate need to win" scale, the way that we feel like we've wandered through the desert for years and only now have we drunk from the refreshing well that is Harbaugh's brand of football, and yes, the weirdness that is something of a calling card of Michigan blogging, including Brian's.
October 15th, 2015 at 4:10 PM ^
The board may not like it, you might get begged but that's life my friend.
To tell the truth, I didn't like it, but I appreciated it!
October 15th, 2015 at 5:13 PM ^
Dnak as long as you've been here you know that posting a topic can go down in flames, be ignored or loved.
Own your posts and take your negs like a man or posbangs with humble gratitude. Either way just be you.
October 15th, 2015 at 3:57 PM ^
October 15th, 2015 at 3:57 PM ^
I thought this piece was a lot better personally:
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2014/12/18/7416807/this-is-why-…
October 15th, 2015 at 5:06 PM ^
I guess I'm just getting old. But yeah, this didn't do it for me. Different strokes for different folks. The tattoo thing for me is just weird. See, I don't have any tats. And while I shouldn't judge tats, the idea of face tats just isn't my idea of cool. I don't like tramp stamps, and sleeves, and the whole thing. I respect the right of others to do as they please, but I dunno, I wouldn't even do a tat of a discreet block M. Don't like it.
Anyway, Jane is fine, but stalking Jim and having him tattoo Brandstetter's face on his face? Just isn't my cup of tea. That's ok. Some pieces are better than others for everyone.
Call it heresy, but if Jim Harbaugh sticks around Ann Arbor 5 or 6 years and wins some national championships here and gets bored and wants to head to the Bears or the Colts, well, I'd wish him well. Sure, it'd be great if he stayed for the next 10 - 15 years, but I'm just happy for today, and I don't feel like Michigan owns Jim.
October 15th, 2015 at 5:20 PM ^
I do not actually want anyone to tattoo Jim Brandstatter's face onto anyone else's face.
October 15th, 2015 at 6:19 PM ^
Hi Jane, I figured you had an account here.
You're doing great & I enjoy your writting.
October 15th, 2015 at 6:40 PM ^
Next I suppose you'll tell us that you actually haven't stalked Harbaugh to the point he needed to get a restraining order against you! That's ... unpossible!
October 15th, 2015 at 5:16 PM ^
October 15th, 2015 at 5:29 PM ^
Loved the beat Sparty stuff. The face tattoo thing was weird, but there's room for weird in UM fandom. East Quad students go to games too! (At least I know I did...)
October 15th, 2015 at 5:32 PM ^
She is one of my favorite follows on Twitter.
October 15th, 2015 at 6:07 PM ^
Kinda lame.
October 15th, 2015 at 10:15 PM ^
October 15th, 2015 at 10:34 PM ^
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