It's Valentine's Day, Stupid
Good morning all you stupid idiots.
It's Valentine's Day. So text your significant other and make sure to swing by the store on your way home to get some chocolate and whatever flowers they have left (probably just a clump of ragweed with a bow on it). This PSA is my way of making sure you morans don't forget. You're welcome.
What's that? You remembered today and had something ready? Yeah right, buddy. I believe you...
February 14th, 2017 at 8:25 AM ^
My right hand thanks you for the reminder. It will sure appreciate the chocolate and wine I give it tonight!
February 14th, 2017 at 8:39 AM ^
Try your foot. That is a real challenge.
February 14th, 2017 at 9:11 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 9:15 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 11:30 AM ^
Brought my wife a dozen white tulips YESTERDAY. Suck it, bitchez!
February 14th, 2017 at 8:29 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 8:30 AM ^
She is one of those rare women who doesn't fall for a manufactured, commercialized fake sentiment holiday. Doesn't watch The Bachelor. She doesn't even like diamonds or wear any jewelry.
I am, of course, the luckiest guy in the world.
February 14th, 2017 at 8:33 AM ^
My wife is also anti valentine's day and The Bachelor. However, she does like diamonds/jewelry (though probably a below average amount), which I find very convenient because it makes gift giving much simpler.
February 14th, 2017 at 8:39 AM ^
My wife treats Valentine's Day as the highest and most sacred of all holidays and one in which months and months of careful planning are required to make it perfect in evrey way.
No pressure here at ALL.
February 14th, 2017 at 9:16 AM ^
If you also have a mistress, make sure you buy her the exact same gift to keep things simple.
Although, you will get some strange looks at Victoria's Secret when purchasing the same lingerie in two different sizes.
February 14th, 2017 at 9:34 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 11:23 AM ^
To quote Capt. Jack Aubrey in "Master and Commander:"
"To our wives and sweethearts ... may they never meet."
February 14th, 2017 at 11:32 AM ^
is usually a gift your wife/girlfriend gets for you, not the other way around...
February 14th, 2017 at 12:17 PM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 12:51 PM ^
The key is some strategic shaving before you put the thong on. She'll appreciate the attention to detail and you'll appreciate fewer snags.
Oh, you want HER to wear the thong? Hey...whatever floats your boat, weirdos...
February 14th, 2017 at 2:44 PM ^
you got me there....
February 14th, 2017 at 9:14 AM ^
would just exchange valentines cards and then after reading them put them back on the shelf and leave the store. Picked her up a card and was shocked when I paid for it, the cost was $7.50. She probably did the same thing. The cards sit out for a few days then throw them out, seems like a waste of $15.
February 14th, 2017 at 10:07 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 10:28 AM ^
We actually did exchange cards in the store and returned them to the shelf.
Sex is expected today, but won't take place in Hallmark.
February 14th, 2017 at 11:20 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 11:57 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 4:59 PM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 11:34 AM ^
I will not play this game anymore: standing in line at 6 pm on Valentine's Day with 30 other suckers paying $30 for a dozen roses that cost $7.99 the day before. No sir. I'd rather sleep on the couch.
February 14th, 2017 at 1:17 PM ^
to get past the obligatory lame Valentine's card. My wife finally acknowledged the waste a few years ago. However, I believe the fancy 30 year anniversary rings she got had more to do with an end to Valentine's cards. So, when in doubt, go for the "grand gesture" to end the insanity.
February 14th, 2017 at 10:09 AM ^
2nd luckiest... mine is the same way AND plays fantasy football. Occasionally she will stay up late to watch MNF because one of her players is starting.
February 14th, 2017 at 10:02 PM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 8:38 AM ^
I bought flowers a bit over a week ago before they jacked up the prices three fold for today. My wife thanked me for buying them when they were normal price & told me to continue to do so in the future. :)
February 14th, 2017 at 8:40 AM ^
To all and their significants.
February 14th, 2017 at 8:44 AM ^
My romantic move today is to drive up to Cedar Rapids to pick up the Iowa assessment tests for our school district, because my wife asked me to. She's in charge of all that crap for the district, on top of being elementary school principal.
February 14th, 2017 at 8:46 AM ^
Tomorrow is half off heart shaped candy day!!! WOO HOO!!
February 14th, 2017 at 8:56 AM ^
And some stupid banty cock is giving me advice on Valentine's Day.
February 14th, 2017 at 9:25 AM ^
Well...
I'm not sure what a banty cock is, but I think I don't like it. I don't get why you have to get mean and derogatory for no reason...
February 14th, 2017 at 9:56 AM ^
is your avatar. Fighting rooster, aka banty cock. He's basically pointing out the irony from his POV that a fighting rooster is giving him marital advice after being with his wife of 40 years. Don't sweat it.
February 14th, 2017 at 11:15 AM ^
I wasn't really sweating it. I think you missed the part where I called you all stupid idiots then got really defensive about being insulted.
And banty cock sounds like some old-timey exotic form of ED. Don't you put that hate on me.
February 14th, 2017 at 11:27 AM ^
Actually, it's the other way around. Those who have banty-cock for over four hours should consult a physician.
Or a hooker. Whichever's easier.
February 14th, 2017 at 11:51 AM ^
It refers to size:
banty (ˈbæntɪ)
n, pl -ties
1. another name for bantam
2. jocular; a person resembling such a bird, namely short and often aggressive
February 14th, 2017 at 11:30 AM ^
that whooshing sound was the joke going over my head and unfortunately I didn't catch it. My reflexes weren't as fast as I thought.
February 14th, 2017 at 2:48 PM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 3:25 PM ^
And I can't wait for May 5th for the second one!! :) :) :) :) :)
February 14th, 2017 at 8:56 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 9:07 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 9:52 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 3:26 PM ^
Can't have enough bad ass lamps like that one!
February 14th, 2017 at 9:05 AM ^
My oldest child turns 16 today. My birthday is tomorrow. Having a baby on Valentine's Day means that I am always doubley responsible for Valentines plus to thank her for being the mother of my kids. Which, to honest, is fair. Can't complain. And it makes it impossible to forget, so I have that going for me.
With my birthday being tomorrow, however, this also means that I essentially never have a birthday. I'm the 3rd most important event in two days and my family apparently has limited attention abilities. I have come to accept this and now just buy myself what I want and don't feel guilty about it.... at this moment looking into Big Ten Tournament tix at the Verizon Center, D.C.(live in D.C. and just noticed the tournament will be here this year - first time I'll be able to attend - so excited!).
I gift myself.
February 14th, 2017 at 9:23 AM ^
February 14th, 2017 at 9:42 AM ^