EDSBS writes Dave's emails for him
I laughed out loud (yes, I'm old) so many times while reading this beautiful piece by Ryan Nanni over at EDSBS: http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2014/10/3/6901217/week-6-as-previewed-by-dave-brandons-email
My favorite bits:
FROM: [email protected]
RE: Texas A&M-Mississippi StateIf you think football's more important that handbell choir syncopation, by all means. Those bumpkins couldn't jangle out a rudimentary version of "Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming" if their miserable lives depended on it
P.S. Kevin Sumlin eats burritos with his hands. It's repulsive.
---
FROM: [email protected]
RE: LSU at AuburnHave we considered a second disinformation campaign spreading negative rumors about Leslie Miles, and thus eliminating any insurgency campaign supporting those who wish to see him reigning o'er Schembechler Hall? This is spitballing, but consider:
--Waited three hours in an 18th century wardrobe just to slap Lloyd Carr at an antique store
--Engaged in sex with Gary Moeller's wife, AND did not fill out the appropriate paperwork with the Big Ten Conference prior to the liason
--Is from Ohio (we have documentation to support this, I believe?)
--Has only read the prose version of The Iliad. No, this is too far. Forgive my momentary lack of scruples.Does not wear a tuxedo while enjoying games of chance such as "bin-go" or "swim-ming"
Is that true about Les Miles only having read the prose Iliad? That IS terrible. Les didn't take Great Books as a freshman? Give me Lattimore's translation or give me death.
October 3rd, 2014 at 3:04 PM ^
FROM: [email protected]
RE: Purdue at Illinois
Violation of the laws of war though it may be, the dormitory television system will play this on a continuous loop until the rabble-rousers cease their public displays. Die upon this Boilermade hill if you dare, students.
Now that's just too violent indeed. The estimated survival rate of such a punishment is....well...there will be considerably less competition for open spots in the next semester.
October 3rd, 2014 at 3:07 PM ^
Cute. Put this one on the pile in Schlissel's office.
October 3rd, 2014 at 3:32 PM ^
FROM: [email protected]
RE: Monthly Check-in
Stage 6 of our plan has been completed. By my calculations, pizza consumption in southern Michigan will have halved due to ennui and a lack of social gatherings on Saturday's. I will begin my push towards Stage 7. Illitch will slowly bankrupt once his cash cow starts giving sour milk. Then, the Tigers and the Red Wings will be ours. I have been studying both sports in anticipation of future film studies. All hail the NOID!
October 3rd, 2014 at 4:45 PM ^
Two points:
1. Too many emails portrayed Dave as a boarding school "lad"..... I see Dave as a self-manufactured, dangerously delusional monkey. He only tries to wear the landed gentry mantle.
2. This "Kids, the fans hate you and aren't respectful of how hard you sweat" is very, very dangerous.
Fortunately, at the team level, institutional memory cleans house c. every 3 years due to graduation, attrition, etc. so Dave's attempts won't be a long-term issue.
October 3rd, 2014 at 4:56 PM ^
I laughed pretty good. I'm glad there are people out there who are good at making fun of Dave Brandon. Not that it's hard, but at least they put the time in.
October 3rd, 2014 at 7:27 PM ^