My good friend and Michigan legend - we can call him Real D - shared this with me last night. It is too good not to share with you all. Enjoy…

 

18 hours until kickoff. I’m a ball of anxious energy. Not sure how I’ll sleep. 

My prediction for the game.

Sherrone Moore meets Ryan Day at midfield during warmups and says “Listen up third base. I’ll give you the signs right now. I’m only calling two plays all day: Corum power run right and Corum power run left. When I beat your sorry ass like a drum, I don’t want to hear anything about no damn sign stealing.” He proceeds to call the game exactly as promised and Blake Corum - in a game reminiscent of Biakabatuka in 92 - runs for 314 yards and 4 touchdowns on 65 carries. Final score 31-23. 

 

Then the fun starts.

 

With 1:13 seconds remaining, Jim Harbaugh, who has been watching the game in Schembechler Hall, begins a dead sprint from his Office to the big house tunnel wearing his field cleats of course. He knows (because he has been practicing this sprint daily - and working to shave 25 seconds off his time - for the past 3 weeks) that this will place him at the entrance to the tunnel exactly as time expires. As JJ takes his final knee on the one yard line (sure, we could score again but the point is we don’t have to) Harbaugh exits the tunnel, busts through the OSU players and makes it to mid field just as Sherrone Moore and Ryan Day are about to shake hands. He slaps away Moore’s hands and replaces it with his own. He then recites - from memory - the entire Ted Lasso dart scene speech (Google it). 

 

While he’s doing that - the ghosts of Fielding Yost and Fitz Crisler themselves descend from the heavens and restrain Ryan Day from heading back up the tunnel. Cue Santa Ono repelling to the 50-yard line from the Goodyear blimp which is hovering over the Big House. Under his right arm he’s carry Willy - a semi-rabid wild Wolverine he has adopted as a pet. In his left hand he’s carrying a legal document. He meets Harbaugh at mid-field. “Jim, this is the contract you requested. A lifetime, guaranteed contract to be the coach of the Michigan football team for the remainder of your life. You will always be paid $1 more than the highest paid coach in all college or professional leagues. All it needs is your signature.”

 

As Harbs begins pulling out a maize and blue peacock feather quill pen, Day begins thrashing. “No! No! Don’t make me watch this!” But Yost and Crisler’s grip only tightens. There will be no escape.

 

With no well of ink to be found, Jim is momentarily frozen, unsure of how to proceed. But then he glances over and sees a single solitary tear rolling down Day’s Charmin soft cheek. Harbaugh approaches and wets the tip of his quill with that Buckeye tear and uses it to consummate the contract.

 

Yost and Crisler’s grip relents and Day breaks free and withdraws toward the visitors locker. As he is about to enter the tunnel, he hears Ono once more.

 

“And Jim, just one more thing”, says Santa. Day is frozen in his tracks with curiosity, pauses and turns back to face the scene at mid-field.

 

“My research in cellular and molecular biology has finally culminated. I’ve found the elixir to eternal life. Now that your contract has been signed, I’d like to personally offer you one final gift.” He pulls a single vial from the razor sharp claws of Willy and hands it to Jim. Jim looks down at the vial then locks eyes with Day whose face is now frozen in a look of horror. As a sly, cocky grin slow spreads across Jim’s face, he uncorks the vial and guzzles its contents entirely - never breaking his gaze even for a moment.

 

“No!!!!!!!!!” screams Day in horror. His worst nightmare has come true. Harbaugh has not only secured his third consecutive victory, he has also achieved immortality. And with a lifetime contract Jim will now be able to torment Buckeyes everywhere for all of eternity.