!!!!!Once again I will note that the format is sub optimal; please follow the link if you'd like to read in its native format. Thanks, and enjoy.

 

https://peasanthandbook.com/2019/10/02/what-did-i-just-watch-week-5-2/

 

The Peasant Handbook

 

What did I just watch?!?

-A BIG-centric recap of weekly happenings in the world of College Football

 

Week 5, 2019

We can imagine a lonely life for poor Polyphemus the cyclops, the sole resident of an unnamed island in the Adriatic. But when Odysseus and his crew stumbled ashore, Polyphemus was more interested in diversifying his diet than making friends. It should be noted Homer’s rather xenophobic account fails to mention that the Greeks encroached upon Polyphemus’ lair and sought to steal from him, instead painting him as a monster. Our dear Polyphemus escaped with his life, but not before being brutally assaulted by the rascally band. In much the same fashion, week 5 of the 2019 College Football season saw the titans of the sport struggle with upstart prey. The odyssey of the season has just begun, and some escape to sail another day, while others sink and are left with Nobody to blame but themselves.

 

#25 Michigan State - 40

Indiana - 31

The etymology of the term ‘Hoosier’ is about as clear as Brady Hoke’s offensive gameplans. It widely defines anyone living in the state of Indiana - wait, who lives in Indiana? #microtransgression One possible explanation of the term arises from the confusion of colonial frontiersmen. In the gruff fringes of Appalachia, vagabond peasants would approach a cabin only to be met with the crack of a shotgun and a garbled ‘Who’s here?’ As is wont to occur in ye days of olde, the words morphed into the phonetically comparable ‘Hoosier.’ Good one, guys.

 

It’s 2019, and we still have no idea what the hell emerges from Indiana to play football. While Spartan fans may lament being taken to the wire by a perennial Big Ten scramblescruff, I think everyone was surprised to see just how well the Hoosiers played. This was by all accounts a fantastic game, the teams combining for 33 fourth quarter points and exchanging leads until the final seconds. The final score expanded as the Spartans ran in a touchdown on a fumble recovery, which is a bitter reminder for the Hoosiers; as close as they regularly come to remarkable upsets, they simply cannot get it done.

 

But they sure seemed ready. Indiana QB Michael Penix Jr has looked firmly in control of the offense since taking over for Peyton Ramsey, and the Hoosiers have erected a much higher ceiling because of it. At one point beating off 20 consecutive completions on the stiff opposition, Penix went hard into the middle of the D but worked softly around the pocket. He scrambled like a hamster on the loose, pitching a tent wherever he pleased on a unit that’s usually hard as a rock. The offensive line created enough of a bulge to allow Penix to spring free on multiple occasions, and Penix looked like he had a bone to pick all afternoon. 

 

As for the football game, MSU kicker Matt Coughlin would find redemption by games end, but his funk continued early on. Despite another promising drive to start the game, Coughlin missed a field goal. The teams traded touchdowns at the end of the first quarter - with both quarterbacks looking sharp - but MIchigan State grabbed another score right before half to take a 21-14 lead into the break.

 

After a Hoosier field goal in the third, the fourth quarter saw a breathless exchange between MSU QB Lewerke and Penix Jr. Each player leading his team down the field with precision throws, scrambles, and excellent receiver play, they traded lead three times before the Spartans got the ball back with two minutes left, the score knotted at 31. Quickly hitting a deep bomb before grabbing another long scramble, the Spartans got down to the goal line where the Hoosiers foolishly tackled Lewerke at the one yard line, meaning that the Spartans could then just run out the clock before kicking a chip shot. And while that chip shot was always going to be an easy make, Coughlin’s struggles made for a tense stadium. But he knocked it through, and the Spartans iced the (cup)cake on Indiana’s last gasp lateral attempt.

The Hoosiers haven’t played this well since games their games at Ohio State and Michigan last year, where they pushed both teams well into the third quarter. Michigan State has dominated the series played for the Old Brass Chamberpot, winning easily last year and, uh, for like the 800 years prior. The Spartans should be honored to know that Indiana decided to unleash their chaos gene on them; it means they consider the Spartans elite competition. Indiana will gladly lose to Illinois and Rutgers but casually take top-10 renditions of, say, Penn State or Michigan into overtime like they had planned it all along. We don’t know when it will change, why it happens, or how it happens so consistently, regardless of coaching staff and players. Like the frontiersmen inquiring on who was about to steal their okra bushels, we can only be certain of one thing; we just don’t know who we’re dealing with.

 

But the Hooisers do have some serious promise. Coach Tom Allen has steadily improved the defense, and they have the ability to put together decent stretches that can keep them from getting blown out, even if they’ve regressed a bit from last year. They always seem to have a sneaky good running back, and this year their receivers are rather impressive physical specimens, with Whop Philyor (sounds like an experimental Nazi dental procedure) and Donovan Hale providing some serious agility and size, respectively. They got a record setting performance from another above average QB and have plenty of skill at WR - but add it all up, and it’s still another loss. And so here we are, back to the beginning of all things, asking the same question. Allow me some phonetic leeway and say it with me; Hoosier Hooiser?

 

Michigan State provided another dominant outing in defending the run, but did show some schematic vulnerability to crossing routes and digs. Indiana took advantage of the Spartans aggression in the front seven, allowing them to rush forward and thus vacate the 7-10 yard range before flinging it ahead. I’d expect DC Mike Tressel and Dantonio to come up with adjustments, as they usually have, but there were questions about the secondary leading into the season, and this certainly doesn’t quiet them. This is also the second time this season they’ve surrendered a late fourth quarter touchdown drive, which is troublesome and may indicate late game fatigue. But with a front seven that can pressure like the Spartans can, these issues won’t crop up much. The run game took a disappointing step backwards today, and the Spartans have yet to put up a good running attack in consecutive games. We’d like to see Lewerke hit more than 50% of his throws, but his 300 passing and 78 rushing yards all came at crucial times, and in total, he played an excellent game. This team is extremely reliant on Lewerke to produce for them, and with more injuries on the offensive line, I’d hope Dantonio and his offensive staff utilize quick routes and figure out the run game to try and shield him from sustaining any damage. The Spartans got more than they bargained for on Saturday, but came out in a tough game against an opponent playing well and continue to show improvement offensively. All their questions will be answered in next week’s showdown in Columbus.

 

#10 Notre Dame - 35

#18 Virginia - 20

In 1753, the good Catholics of Boston faced a dilemma. A Virginian charlatan by the name of Hannah Dilley had supplied local plebs - in the words of the prosecuting magistrate - the services “...to resort to her husband’s house, and carnally to lie with whores.” It was one of the first instances of the prosecution of a strip club in American history.  While generally ignored by authorities, God fearing citizens sought to punish the carnal dash. The court was pressured into reprimanding Dilley, and after a long period of deliberation, they emerged with a, uh, brilliant penance. She was told to stand on a stool of ‘at least five feet in height’ and hold a sign proclaiming her sins. (Contrary to intent, that sounds like a rather beneficial ad campaign.)

 

Nothing quite resonates with Catholicism as ancient guilt and lasting repercussions. And so Notre Dame exacted one final measure of vengeance on the Virginian strumpets, but with an ironic, modern twist; as part of five total turnovers, they stripped the Virginians in two monumental, game changing sacks.

 

But oh so delicious was the Apple early. Coming off an uninspiring victory over ACC upset machine Old Dominion - speaking of grudges, the Monarchs will never forgive the posterity of the 13 Colonies - Virginia went into South Bend in need of a signature win to solidify their standing as an entity above the muck of the putrid ACC. But after watching Notre Dame battle deep into the night against the powerful Georgia Bulldogs, few gave the Cavaliers a chance. Bronco Mendenhall his quietly built Virginia into one of the countries most consistent, respectable teams, but the Cavaliers have yet to score a victory of national repute under his watch. But Bronco looked ready to buck the trend.

 

Virginia went right down the field and scored on their opening drive, led by their dynamic QB Bryce Perkins. The Irish answered quickly, taking advantage of turnovers to score the next two touchdowns. The moment seemed ripe for the Irish to fulfill expectations, but a missed field goal energized the Cavaliers, who then took a 17-14 lead into half. On a brilliant call, the Cavaliers launched a gorgeous onsides kick after halftime, a play that was clearly scouted by astute coaches who noticed that the far left member of Notre Dame’s front line kickoff return team peeled back and centered each time; they sent a moonshot right at his vacated area, and Virginia seemed poised to extend their lead.

 

But in a rousing display, the Irish defense held Virginia back - even though the Cavaliers started on the fifty multiple times - until the penance was set to begin. A thundering strip sack and return from the menacing Irish defensive line gave Notre Dame a short field which they quickly cashed in; Notre Dame returned the favor with a fumble of their own, but after the defense held strong again, forced another strip sack on Virginia’s next possession. This time, the Irish defense needed no help to score. Irish DE Adetokunbo Ogundeji (wut) took it all the way for a touchdown, stretching the Irish lead to 28-17. The Irish defense finished the game from there.

It was a stunning turnaround, as Virginia had all the momentum after the onsides kick and felt ready to burst onto the scene. But the Irish defense played one of the best halves of football of the season - by any unit, in any game, essentially directly netting the Irish 14 points. The first seven drives of the half for Virginia only netted 5 total yards - and three of them began right on the fringe of field goal range. The Cavaliers were effective and efficient in the first half, but the Irish made excellent adjustments, which speaks volumes to coach Brian Kelley and upgrades he made to his defensive staff a few years back. After a scruffly start against Louisville, Notre Dame’s defensive line has controlled huge stretches of the season; their ability to apply pressure while maintaining gap integrity and contain is exquisite. While we’re waiting to see Irish QB Ian Book and the offense turn the page - 350 yards won’t get the job done -  the defense appears to be one of the best units in the country, and with a schedule that seems pliable, Notre Dame has to be feeling good about its chances to run the table.

 

 As for Virginia, it is certainly disappointing to take a top 10 team into the second half before being disemboweled. The offensive line was a sore disappointment, and that Virginia is unable to take advantage of their talented skill players needs to be addressed. They outgained Notre Dame on the day, but five turnovers continually thwarted scoring chances, and they surrendered eight sacks. But in the miserable ACC, the Cavaliers have no excuse not to grab a 10 win season, and perhaps even give Clemson a challenge in the ACC title game. Virginia is headed in the right direction, and now that the sins of Mrs. Dilley have finally been atoned for, enter a stretch of the season where they should be favored in just about every game.

 

#1 Clemson - 21

North Carolina - 20

Imagine, for a moment, that David had missed with his slingshot. The little pebble bounces into the crowd of bystanders and he is instead drawn and quartered for murdering a pregnant mother. But Goliath gets to him first and eats his hands. The point being, David had one chance to make his play. In an extended duel, he knew enough to know that he had no hope.

 

Dabo and Mack doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it’s much the same story. After taking advantage of a lethargic Clemson for much of the afternoon, the Tar Heels decided to go for two after scoring a touchdown with only 90 seconds left. While the play call and execution leaves something to be desired, you’ve got to examine the context. You’re a program that’s been in the dumps. You’ve managed to get through 59 minutes of a game against the #1 team in the country without being massacred. And if you go two yards, your odds of victory are good. The alternative is to repeatedly be forced to go 25 yards against Clemson - while also trying to stop their superior offense from doing the same - in overtime and hope that you can continue to match the defending national champions. While the Peasant Handbook liked the decision, both teams presented a compelling argument for taking the game to overtime.

 

North Carolina is easily one of the most improved teams in the nation, even at 2-3. They’ve beaten two solid teams and have been competitive in their other games, and while losing at home to App State was a major bummer, the program is on a mercurial rise relative to the last decade of misery. Clemson, meanwhile, is undefeated with a couple of solid victories to their name, but hasn’t looked nearly as dominant as expected. It’s worrisome for the Tigers - and thrilling for the Tar Heels - that this game wasn’t exactly flukey; the Tigers only had one turnover, yardage was about equal, and North Carolina generally looked like they belonged. 

 

From early on it was clear that NC was keen to the opportunity in front of them. They scored four plays into the game, used good coverage to pressure Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence into indecision, and ran the ball effectively. The game was tied at half, and after an uneventful third quarter which saw both teams stall on a number of chances, Lawrence finally hit a big throw to Tee Higgins to take the lead with only a few minutes left. As is Modus Operandi for North Carolina, they stormed down the field and matched the score, and without any hesitation called for the two point conversion. I’m not thrilled with the call; it was a triple option sweep, which restricts your offense to only using half the field. When compressed near the goalline, you’re inflating the athletic gap between your players and Clemson’s, and the play was easily stopped. The logic is that you want to give your offense options on such a crucial play, but that doesn’t necessarily mean those are good options, as opposed to a quick slant that lets your quarterback go through some reads and maybe even sneak it in. It was also the exact same play North Carolina used early in the season in a similar situation, and coach Mack Brown should know that Clemson’s excellent staff would be anticipating that. Still, this was highly encouraging for North Carolina. They seem to be developing a number of + players at the skill positions and the defense has shown an ability to perform on a down to down basis; week to week is the next challenge. They’ve got to find a way to make a bowl game this year and capitalize on their early gains. 

 

Clemson dropped from their top slot in the polls, but we’re not sure they’re even the current #2 team, as it stands. They certainly haven’t looked ‘bad’; but many other teams look much better, and the level of competition is much lower in the ACC. Lawrence is decidedly in a sophmore slump - leaving poor Clemson with just an excellent QB - and it was surprising to see the run game disappear against a North Carolina team not necessarily known for their physicality. Lawrence has been uncertain in the face of pressure, his accuracy has been spotty, and interceptions have reared up in bunches, which is odd seeing as there were no real red flags in his freshman year. I also don’t buy that teams now ‘know how to handle him’ or have ‘adjusted’. If that was the case, one of Alabama’s or Notre Dame’s excellent staff/defensive units would have shown us the blueprint in last year’s playoffs. And so we settle on the beautiful variability of the sport, a reminder that dese are da yoof. Clemson and Lawrence will be just fine, and in bad news for those who are developing Clemsophobia, likely won’t be ambushed again as they use this wake up call to find their stride. This doesn’t really change the projection of an undefeated season and playoff berth. But unlike last year, we’ll need to see improvement out of the Tigers to believe they can win it.

 

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Plebius and his master head to the Coliseum to enjoy a recreation of the Battle of Cannae. Luckily for the games’ sponsors, average plebeian historical knowledge is a bit lacking, and so revisionist history will see the Roman standard topple the Punic barbarians. Plebius forms a human chair but is able to peek between the spires to catch the games. The Punic scum have the Romans surrounded and are closing in. The crowd gasps in terror. Plebius’ master canes him in dismay. Suddenly, three tigers of the Southern reaches with varying decor - one blue, one orange, and one striped - are loosed into the arena. They indiscriminately shred flesh and bronze. The handlers coax them back to their cages with a Wildcat and Gopher; those two end up fighting for corn scraps from the arena floor. The crowd roars in satisfaction as the victors head up to the stanchion, but there’s not enough room on the pedestals used to delineate the battles heroes. They jockey for position while the rest struggle to climb the lower rungs. All the while, Plebius is sent to clean off the Tigers’ teeth. He tightly grasps his Timbus Tebus charm that a Vandal Shaman sold him for a filled chamberpot. The wind rattles and he hears Timbus whisper;

“Have faith, my child.”
Ten minutes later Plebius remains are fed to the tigers.

 

Twenty five teams are ranked, but all but the top four are merely numerical delineations of how badly you are expected to lose to those at the top. And while the lower rungs are fluid - as they should be - there is a bizarre stagnation at the top edges. Let’s look at Auburn and Clemson, for example. The Tigers are more Tiglets this year, and while they could beat any team in the country, are clearly missing some of the dominating pieces of last year (Four D-linemen now play on Sunday’s). Trevor Lawrence can no longer hide the fact that he spent more time skateboarding on Venice beach than improving in the offseason, and while the outline of an unbeatable team still remains quite visibly, they haven’t exactly been inspiring. They did drop from the top spot, but we have to ask if they’re the second best team in the country right now. A variety of other Tigers have better resumes. Let’s look at Auburn. They slaughtered a respectable Mississippi State team on Saturday and they’ve got two ranked wins away from home. Yet they’re sitting down at #7. Ohio State and Oklahoma have looked transcendent, both with vastly improved defenses and offenses that could probably be scoring 70+ a game were they not shut down by halftime, as they’re up by so much. The LSU Tigers also have a nice resume, and are winning by an average of 30+ PPG, even with their close victory in Austin. While I’m all for measured takes, the AP poll seems averse to a perception of being too reactive. And, sure, that makes a good bit of sense. But what doesn’t make sense is ranking teams that have looked absolutely dominant behind teams that haven’t. While the AP poll doesn’t mean as much as it used to, it absolutely affects the perception of teams before they are ranked in the first Playoff poll that drops in November. These anchored ratings for preseason expectations may harm teams that are sneaking into playoff contention by late September.

 

Loose metrics could help alleviate this. Is [Top 7 team] winning every game by 3+ scores, even though [lower ranked Top 7 team] is winning by 4+ scores? Maybe we don’t swap them. But when teams like Ohio State and Auburn are exceeding all expectations and butchering everyone in front of them, I think we’ve got to reward them, instead of patting them on the head and telling them to wait for a team ahead of them to lose. I don’t think reducing the viscosity of the top 10 would damage credibility in making fans think pollsters are prone to hot-takeism; in fact, I think it would increase credibility, a recognition of the nuance that separates elite teams that can sometimes appear equal. It’s not as if we’re proposing that Clemson drops to #8 because of a tough out in Chapel Hill. It’s more about rewarding the better teams than punishing the underperformers, so that they don’t suffer an inherent disadvantage of perception when the Playoff rankings are released. 

 

I think it’d be fun to have some more dynamism in the polls. Winning, favored, universally acclaimed teams could continue their comical mantra of ‘overcoming adversity’ and ‘nobody believed in us’ as they drop in the rankings after turning in a few clunkers. A top 10 team that starts the year 0-1 would have to, you know, win some games to go back to their original orbit. It would add some pressure to elite teams that often experience very little over the course of the year. 

 

I love the AP poll. It defines upsets, provides plenty of controversy, and generally creates context for a sport that, with small sample sizes, can at times appear to lack it. But I also think it could be less stiff at the top. That’s what she… nevermind. 

 

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In National News, Papal-Javie Cabal has been formalized. I’ve been harping on this for years. For those of you who aren’t following:

-Viceroy Steve Javie is an oft-referenced ‘rules expert’ that’s regularly called in to tell us what a free throw is in NBA games.

-He communicates in Morse Code with the broadcasters to pass on messages from the Swiss Guard.

-Pan Slavic nationalists have infiltrated the papacy but have since been assimilated into the Papal pogromists. A collaroy mandate is the elimination of fun from sports.

-Viceroy Javie has recruited deputies - Mike Perriera from Fox being his chief of staff - and various other dingbats who chime in to remind us of the definition of ‘indisputable’ and ‘down’.

-Javie directs the Papal directive from his bunker in Secaucus New Jersey, which also hosted the Revolutionary War raid of Aug-12, in which an empty power magazine was found beneath a church. The remains of Saint Javie were exhumed and found to have been defiled by rogue mice. Coincidence? I think not.

- Conclusion? Uncertain, as of yet. But when Verne Lundquist is detained as a ‘matter of Papal security’, you know where to find me. I’m almost at the bottom of this. 

 

W3 r..the resiztance

 

(Day 3 without apple juice)

 

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Additive Factoids...

 

#21 USC - 14

#17 Washington - 28

Detachment is the basis of the idea of ‘Beginners Luck’. There’s no expectation or external pressure constricting your prefrontal cortex into rushed decisions. The purest form of action manifests in a balanced, thoughtful approach, lacking habit gathered from experience, good or bad. Victory is a bonus to the novelty, and not a necessity of an impassioned fanatic.

 

Unfortunately for USC, winning is a necessity. Their strained program demands progress. When third string USC QB Matt Fink entered last weeks game after the incumbent Kedon Slovis was injured, the expectations accompanying him were aptly reserved. But the string of the Fates saw Fink pull off a serious upset on #10 Utah, performing brilliantly, if also the beneficiary of some fortune.

 

Entering the week as the starter, Fink could no longer succeed in avoiding failure. He was expected to win, and win on the road against a traditionally excellent Washington team. The Huskies tout one of the nations best secondaries, and are operating incognito after an early season WTF loss to California, which is where they seem to be best suited. Variability is the scourge of the back up, and even poor Fink cannot escape the whirling shitticane of USC; alternating big wins and tough losses, USC has the consistency of overcooked beaver brisket.

 

And yet, in the third quarter, things had not been decided. Despite Washington jumping all over early USC mistakes, the Trojans looked poised to make a game of it after a seismic 60 yard run by RB Stephen Carr. Looking to cut the lead to 6, Fink lofted a pass towards the end zone, but it fell right into the paws of a Husky defender. Two plays later, Washington RB Salvon Ahmed bolted 89 yards for a thunderous touchdown. The Trojans showed some grit and answered quickly on the next drive, capitalizing on WR Michael Pittman Jr and his explosive penchant, but the Washington defense took control from there. They forced 2 three and out’s, intercepted Fink, and stopped a long drive in the red zone. The Husky offense didn’t show up for the fourth quarter, and USC refused to fold, but the damage was done.

 

Twice now the Trojans have lost the week after entering the polls, both times on the road in tough environments against teams with opportunistic defenses. It’s no coincidence that the injuries that have forced da yoof to lead the Trojans has been exposed in these high profile road games, and as a whole, we shouldn’t ignore the fact that USC is looking much better in many facets. Despite surrendering a few big plays, the defense played pretty well, considering that three turnovers put them in tough spots. USC needs to improve their run defense, giving up 190+ yards for consecutive weeks, but it’s still an improvement from the BYU game and last season. The penalties still mount up on a weekly basis, and the running game is boom or bust. But considering that they’re down to their third string, USC is exceeding expectations. They just need to win the games they’re supposed to, and if they can get Slovis back, may be able to sneak a major upset along the way. As a team, they’re trending up.

 

This is a nice bounce back for Washington, who has for consecutive weeks looked back in Husky form. The loss to California was just...weird, and I don’t want to blame them too much. Cal has had their number and it was a Noah’s Ark situation and apparently Bears had boarding priority over Huskies. They were written off, which was off, as they still have the most balanced team in the PAC-12, and along with Oregon, feel like the PAC-12 team most able to compete nationally. The secondary is excellent, and while the run defense has taken a step back from recent years, they still are difficult to score on. Expect Washington to be in the mix at year’s end.

 

There was a floating Wendy’s barge seen in the lake near Husky stadium. What have we done? Of all the possible innovations, we put a Wendy’s up? That’s like having the first Mars colony be a prison. Like, sure, we need somewhere to stick all the damned marijuana smokers, but has our ambition gone so low? Put a freakin’ Cracker Barrel there. Get two birds stoned at once. Put barrels of crackers in the gift shop. Open an auxiliary rocking chair expo center. Have a hamster zoo. Do anything. 

 

Oh, you could put The Barrel on the lake, too, I guess.

 

Arizona State - 24

#15 California - 17

 

Oh, Herman. 

 

I climbed Camelback Mountain before I became a degenerate, uh, sedentist(?).  The view from the top gave a handsome look of Tempe, complete with a thick layer of smog suffocating the city. It obfuscated the sights, leaving me to wonder at the paradox of losing vantage when gaining loft. 

 

At the nearby campus of Arizona State, the Sun Devil football team suffers much the same dilemma. Refusing to to take advantage of their vantage while elevated by rank, Arizona State instead relies on unranked upsets to climb the mountain, with four upsets under their belt since the Hermstefer took over. Pair that with an 0-3 record while ranked, and they’re on the fast track to a Fractal WTF rhombus (The PAC - 12 is set to earn a record number this year.) So the Peasant Handbook was hardly surprised when they took down Cal, on the road, using a nearly identical format they used to upset Cal analog Michigan State.

 

The offense plods along, unable to capture the dynamic potential of QB Jayden Daniels and Eno Benjamin. The defense suffocates, clogging lanes and sticking to receivers, keeping games close until the Hermware decides to update. Using another late fourth quarter drive, ASU took the lead against the Bears after cobbling together a 15 yard drive, going up 21-17 on an impressive Cal defense. Then the ASU defense forced a stop and added a field goal for good measure. They held Cal to under 250 yards, forced turnovers, and played with a physicality that belies the perception of loosey goosey PAC-12 defensive units. Offensively, they’re inconsistent - largely due to the offensive line, which admittedly played well in this game - but you’ve got to figure they’ll get it going; there’s simply too much talent in the backfield to keep contained. Arizona State is on their way up, and hopefully one of these days, the view will be a bit more clear.

 

Oh, Cal. You never should have legalized marijuana. Tis a just comeuppance that necessitates this harsh defeat. Remember, it is the devil who punishes wrongdoers. Strangely enough, it was an odd refusal to adjust defensively that lost Cal this game. I saw various schematic notes regarding the engagement of Cal’s defensive line and linebacking units which were continually exploited by an ASU offensive line that has struggled. A rather stale offense is what’s damaging the Golden Bears, which is a cruel twist, seeing as Sonny Dikes of yesteryear had Jared Goffingshire and Jahvid Best and typically put together some nice offensive showings. Now things have swapped, and they’re a defensive team that can’t put up enough points to cover for any slip ups from their defense. Chase Garbers, their starting QB, is now injured for the year; this portends a possible consecutive finish in the bottom 20 of offensive rankings. Coach Justin Wilcox has shown that he can win with defense alone, but in modern football you cannot rely exclusively on such a style. There are too many good offensive minds who can scheme their way to 20-30 points, even against an excellent unit such as the Bears. The good news is that things can’t get much worse, and Devon Modster may come in and, idk, provide a spark? Dare I say, a MODulate? But, in the hallowed words of Cal spirit brethren Mark Dantonio? 

“Things can always get worse.”
Yes, yes they can. Unless your Rutgers. In which case things have been at maximum worseness since the dawn of time.

 

#8 Wisconsin - 24

Northwestern - 15

I think Northwestern’s curriculum may be a bit too dedicated to journalism, at the expense of mathematics. Which, F%#@ math and all, but rascally tidbits, we have yet to see full WTF Northwestern manifest!(We got close Saturday. Hold steady, boys). The poor Mildcats have a problem adding yards on offense, and suffered an unfortunate gaff in their post-touchdown conversion aspirations. 15 is indeed an odd score - unless you're Kirk Ferentz, in which case you’ve completed the coveted Field Goal Pentagasm and probably won on a long snap - but can be explained by a rather unexplainable pair of decisions to go for two by NU coach Pat Fitzegerald. But first, let’s torture ourselves with a recap.

 

College Football has an interesting dynamic where the worse it gets, the better it is…? I don’t know. I think I need help. But something about the nauseating, offensive, utterly abhorrent games that Northwestern plays gives me a guilty pleasure. They somehow make games competitive in which they set the game of football back to pre Big-Bang timelines. Pat Fitzgerald is a black hole, in which he consumes light and warps it into a sickening, constricted rendition, but then he allows it to escape back into the reaches of space, belched out in a cosmic spew that leaves the entity questioning the meaning of existence. Wisconsin was left to ponder their being in this oort cloud of WTF. Coming off a massacre of Michigan that had even the lactose averse proclaiming the Badgers a playoff contender, Northwestern farts their way into town and manages to make everyone look bad. Wisconsin struggled on offense, actually being outgained by one of the nation's worst offenses and only managing ~240 yards and 13 first downs. A sheepish Northwestern gifted the Badgers two defensive touchdowns, in one instance allowing an unblocked Badger defender to strip whoever-the-hell-is-attempting-to-ruin-Northwestern's offense-this-game and lope in for the score, and another instance claiming an orphan duck for a pick 6. Just, why?

 

 Without those gaffes from the Northwestern offensive line, the Badgers would have been in serious trouble. Heisman hopeful Johnathon Taylor had to churn for his 119 yards, and Jack Coan looked worryingly similar to his 2018 self. The defense largely stuffed Northwestern, but the Mildcat offense is so bad that they actually more-or-less performed at their season average - er, actually better(THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ANYONE). After the Badgers took a commanding 24-3 lead on the pick 6, Northwestern did what they enjoy best, which is to allow spectators to marvel at the chaotic comedy of human existence. A scruffly drive after a Wisconsin fumble garnered a touchdown for the Cats; for some reason, they went for two - they could have rolled with extra points and tied the game - and failed. 24-9. They forced a 3 and out and then had a legitimately good drive to bring the score to 24-15, before, uh, failing on another two point conversion. At this point in the game, with four minutes left, they had assured defeat. Even still, on their last possession they turned it over on downs; Northwestern is as Northwestern does, which is WTF.

 

IDK. Some part of me is concerned for the Badgers, but this is certainly a hangover game after their big win last week. Also, Northwestern played ‘pretty well’ LOL and loves doing this to contending teams. They are the directors, producers, writers, and lead actors in the Chicago Broadway play ‘Shitshow’, and their primary directive is to recruit other teams for a starring role. Badgers can probably just file this one away and build a bunker around the cabinet and send the key to the Marinara (yes) Trench and WAIT PAT FITZ IS THERE TOO WAITING AND PANTING AND CLAPPING AND SCHEMING USING SEA CRABS AS MOTIVATION JUST WHY.

 

Busters and Beavers

This week’s Big Time Buster:

 

Minnesota QB Tanner Morgan, who went 21-22 for 396 yards and four touchdowns. Various records were broken. Let’s call this the high water mark. Purdue voicemail was hacked and found to have twenty three slurred voicemails referencing ‘the generosity of the defense.’ Wonder what he means.

This week’s Beaver Meat:

 

 

Ashes to Ashes, Seventy Eight to Nothing.

 

Shamelessly Relegated Data Points due to Varying Levels of Incompetence, Irrelevance, or Expectedness…

 

#20 Michigan had an eventful bye week, winning a scrimmage against a post-secondary school IM team from New Jersey, 52-0. There are some encouraging signs here, chief among them that Michigan is not as bad as Rutgers, which somehow seemed uncertain after last week. This is the first time all year that Michigan did what they were supposed to. The offense had a concise gameplan, and the coaches took pains to make sure QB Shea Patterson was comfortable early on; the receivers were utilized, the ball was spread around, and Michigan showed some goal line wrinkles. The defense needed a confidence boost, and while they still showed rutgerability to the 2018 bugaboo of crossing routes, did keep Rutgers to under 160 yards offense and shut them out. The rushing attack leaves a lot to be desired - the QB’s insistence on not keeping on the read plays is killing them - and improvement is still needed in nearly every phase. But you eat an elephant one Rutgers at a time. BTW, Rutgers coach Chris Ash seemed particularly manic on the sidelines, and it was because he was coaching for his job. In other words, he was fired less than 24 hours after the score went final. Rutgers has been shut out 9 times in his tenure. The rest of the Big Ten has combined for 10. Words cannot describe, but watch me try:

 

- The Rutgers will continue until morale improves.

- A broken Rutgers is still wrong 12 times a day.

- Never put off till tomorrow what you can Rutger today.

- Seventy percent of success in life is just not being Rutgers.

- Success is not the absence of failure; it is the absence of Rutgers.

-You miss 100% of the Rutgers you take.

-When you fall, get back up using Rutgers to stabilize yourself.

-By failing to prepare, you are preparing to be Rutgerd.

#5 Ohio State skull shucked Nebraska, 48-7. It could have easily been 100-0 had the Buckeyes played into the second half, because this game was over fast. Huskers QB Adrian Martinez lofted three interceptions in the first half, one of them nixing a promising drive, and the rout was on. OSU was precise and elusive on offense, essentially running things as you imagined them drawn up during practice. Not a good look for the Husker defense. Not sure what more there is to say. Buckeyes look like on the nations best teams. But I can’t shake the feeling that the shoe - or nut, in this instance - has yet to drop. It’s been so easy for them, and while that has in large part to do with them being dominant, I also wonder what’s going to happen when they aren’t scoring a touchdown every other play. Till then, watch out B1G. Meanwhile, the Scott Frost experiment has soured considerably. Once fans begin picking holes in his previous success (i.e UCF was good before he got there, he just led them back to their usual excellence, ect…) you know there’s some discontent. So far, what appeared to be promise in prior games now seems terrifyingly like an apt fulfillment of potential. We’ve got to wonder what Frost’s next move is. They need a big win before the season is out, or this group is going to seriously feel the heat.

 

Minnesota took down Purdue, 38-31, in an electric game that featured a quarterback who basically broke every scoring metric available. Tanner Morgan - this weeks #BigTimeBuster went 21-22 for 396 yards and four touchdowns, which is one of the best stat lines the Big Ten has seen since..*Andrew recreates scene from when Gandalf is scouring the records at Minas Tirith. Pipe is smoked. Goblet of Apple Juice is supped.* Ah, got it. Since the last 26 QB’s who faced Rutgers. But actually, guy was unstoppable. This was actually Minnesota’s largest margin of victory on the season, and we would have guessed the best team they played (Oh Pur-doo-doo...We’ll get to you.) The Golden Rodents went up 38-17 before going into coast, and while the run game didn’t net 100 yards - even though a runner did - it didn’t need to. I’d like to see more from the extremely underrated Minnesota backfield - with Shannon Brooks and Rodney Smith quietly some of the B1G’s most talented backs, IMO - and you never like to see a team check out, even with such a big lead. But in the competitive portion of the game, the Minnesota defense played well and they looked unstoppable on offense. We have to seriously consider whether or not they’re good, and while I don’t think they’re serious competitors, they have a decent defense and more than enough on offense to push to ~8 wins. But we no longer are in doubt as to Purdue’s season. Major disappointment, on all fronts. Yes, it’s awful that the prolific QB Elijah Sindelair and the electric Rondale Moore got injured one the same play, and with some huge injuries on defense, this loss is in many ways excusable. But when they were at full health they weren’t getting it done either. I really felt like Purdue was in line for a 7-8 win season and a continuation of their upward trajectory, but with Sinedlair out basically indefinitely, I think it’ll be another lost season for the Boilermakers.

Oklahoma State took down #25 Kansas State, 26-13, in an ‘upset’ that didn’t really surprise anyone. The Cowboys are still poised for a bounceback season, and RB Chubba Hubbard is playing just as well as any back in the nation. He has 900+ yards through September, which is amazing., and should probably be in the Heisman conversation. Also, OSU freshman QB Spencer Sanders looks to be the next true Cowboy six-shooter. Bright future in Stillwater. Meanwhile, Kansas State should be thrilled to even be existing near the polls, as they’ve been in the dumps. Tough loss, but don’t worry ‘Cats - barring an implosion, this season already feels like a really nice comeback. KSU coach Chris Klieman was an absolute steal.

 

#7 Auburn eviscerated Mississippi State, 56-23. Despite a few rough quarters, Auburn has the most impressive resume on the young season, and is playing like a legit playoff contender. While Bo Nix could stand to be a bit more consistent, he finally uncorked the passing attack in this one - 300+ yards - and he is pretty responsible for being a freshman. Nix aside, the prolific running game feels sustainable, as they often do when Malzahn’s scheme is operating at full capacity. Would like to see the Tiger’s pass game continue to develop, get out on the edges, because somebody at some point may threaten their run game; but honestly? This is the worst the SEC has been collectively on defense in years. Auburn may have the only unit that is good enough to stop their own run game. We’ll find out. On the other side, MSU has been a disappointment. Coach Joe Moorhead looked to keep them percolating near the top after a solid 2018, but hasn’t been able to replace the wildly talented defensive players that led their unit to the top of the charts last year. Both sides of the ball need serious improvement. Bowl Game is the goal here, boys.

SMU beat South Florida, 48-21. SMU is another team that is turning heads. Since the scandal that levied the famed death penalty - coloquially dubbed the Pony Excess - SMU has been ‘beyond #beavermeat’ (did I just come up with a name for a Pier One Imports competitor?). They showed signs of life last year, however, and are now at 5-0. They play with a ton of enthusiasm on defense, even if they are a bit undersized, and have plenty of explosiveness on offense, and a gamer at QB. Good for you, ‘Stangs. They may just compete for the AAC title.

 

Florida State beat NC State, 31-13. Seminoles keep trending up. They’ve had leads in all their games this year, and at 3-2, are really starting to show some life; they’ve improved every week, and have one of their first convincing wins against decent competition in the Taggart era. While new starter and Badger expatriate Alex Hornibrook may lack the dynamism of Blackman, he’s brought some much needed ‘game manager’ stability, but he also put up pro style stats on Saturday; good for Hornibrook. The guiding hand at top has trickled down, and the Seminoles as a whole seem to be operating from a much more sturdy platform than last year.  Meanwhile, things aren’t looking great for NC State. Seems like just yesterday they were breaking through into the upper crust. Coach Doren showed an exceptionally ability to identify and develop standout, under recruited talent(2017 D-Line was loaded, Ryan Finley was excellent, ect..). So far, we’re waiting to see the next batch crop up.

 

#6 Oklahoma crushed Texas Tech, 55-16. Jalen Hurts is having one of the best seasons in recent memory, and that’s saying a lot, because we’ve seen some transcendent play from the QB position in the last few years. He simply does not appear stoppable. But we knew the Oklahoma offense was going to score; I think the Sooners are legitimate championship contenders due to one of the most remarkable defensive turnarounds in one year I’ve seen. They are actually, you know, a good defense. This team is terrifying. Pass protection is dominant, run lanes open at will, speed on the edges is insane, coaching is precise...Honestly, I don’t know who is going to stop them. Even with the subpar competition they’ve played, they project to do extremely well all year. If they slip up, it’ll be a game where the defensive lapses to old ways; so far, I see no indications of that being assured.

 

#14 Iowa enjoyed an easy outing against Middle Tennessee State, winning 48-14. An excellent rushing attack is a welcome pairing with Nate Stanley, and they went for over 300+ this game. I still want to see more from the defensive line, as they aren’t as disruptive this year. Big test this weekend to see how ‘forreal’ the Hawkeyes are.

 

#23 Texas A&M held on against Arkansas, 31-27. Nice bounceback for Arkansas, but man, the Aggies aren’t looking great. A week after getting manhandled at home by Auburn, they’re taken to the wire by the SEC’s worst team. They lured the Big Fisch with the biggest contract in CFB history, but he’s done nothing but look like SEC bait. Aggies gotta get it together, and fast, or else they face another paltry 7-5 season. Which is what got their last coach fired.

 

Pittsburg WTF beat Delaware, 17-14. Pittsand strikes again, ladies and gentlemen. A week after scoring an awesome victory over UCF, Pitt needs a fourth quarter comeback to take out the...Birds, I think they are? Pitt needed a 3 and 17 completion in the games waning minutes, and their back up QB delivered, but boy, this one was on the ropes. Injuries and all, sure, but this type of nonsense is maddening. No team in football is more dedicated to playing at their opponents level than Pitt. It’s entertaining, I guess.

 

#2 Alabama took down Ole Miss, 59-31. You know what is weird? Alabama and Oklahoma have switched positions. The Crimson Tide are impossible to stop, so they have no problem pummeling these medicore defenses. But their own defense is not particularly Bama-like. It’s true, the injuries are deeply unfair, as they’ve been washed out with this bug for a few years now. But this is the first year in recent memory that teams are able to regularly score 20-30 points on the defense. It may not matter, though. Tua is a demi-god.

Wake Forest beat Boston College, 27-24. Wake is quietly one of the years biggest surprises at 5-0. No, they haven’t really beaten anybody, but they are overall just solid. They’re like...Subway. Better than fast food, sure, but not anything I’d be proud to feed my cat.

#19 Utah bounced back and took down Washington State, 38-13. Nice comeback win for the Utes, who took out some frustration on Cougs. They still are in contention for the PAC. After the game, Mike Leach ripped into his players, calling them some combination of lazy and dumb. 

 

Toledo beat BYU, which is just...ugh. WHY? BYU has all the tools and momentum they needed to have a really nice 8-9 win season. Yes, the Mormom Manziel is injured, I get that. But as I’ve detailed ad nauseam, all the Cougs have to do is beat the teams they are supposed to beat, of which there are plenty. They already have their banner wins for the season. And then they lose to Toledo. Just...argh. Come on, guys. Pray more, or something. Nice win for Toledo, though. 

 

#12 Penn State disemboweled Maryland, 59-0. Ah, geez. So, Maryland head coach Mike Locksley had, like, a 3-25 record as a HC prior to taking over for the Terps. They looked so good in their first two games, and while a regression to the mean may have pulled them down farther than Terp faithful would hope, think the regression would be, you know, mean. Like, ouch. Nothing looked good Friday night. They only had 128 yards, totaled 9 penalties, and had 3 turnovers, while the defense watched PSU romp for 600+. The defensive backfield looked lost, and they put very little pressure on an offensive line that can be prone to surrendering looks. I had this picked for upset watch, which, you know, shows what I know. Meanwhile, Penn State continues their upward trajectory. Sean Clifford continues to exceed all expectations, going for ~450 total yards in this one. Still waiting for a feature back to bring some consistency to the run game, but that’ll come when your QB is smokin’ hot. The Nittany Lions tacked on 4 sacks for good measure, and call me crazy, but I think the talented PSU defensive line has slightly underperformed this season; this game bodes well, and should they turn it on, PSU could make a real case for being the B1G’s second best team.

Duke crushed Virginia Tech, 45-10. This is one of the worst losses VT has ever suffered, and Duke is solid but not exactly a heavyweight. One has to wonder if Hokies legendary DC Bud Foster has checked out or his players are lacking motivation. Would be a shame to see him sent off on a sour note. Odd to see VT get dominated at home by a team they have traditionally used as a punching bag. Not sure where the Hokies and Fuente go from here; if they can’t get to a bowl, expect some ramifications. They had a robot doing pushups during scores, which was cool. At least they won't have to do many repairs this year.

 

Obligatory Verne Lundquist

 

When you first saw Verne, were you blinded by his majesty?

 

 

Orifice Extractions for Week 5…

Peasant Omniscience to date : 25-15

-I’ve been going overboard with upset picks. Srry.

 

#5 Ohio State - 36

#25 Michigan State - 16

 

The Spartan defense provides some resistance to the Buckeyes for the first time this year, and Lewerke goes for 200+, but the Bucks control the rhythm of the game. An early strip-sack of Fields keeps things interesting, though. 

 

#14 Iowa - 24

#19 Michigan - 27
 

In Harbaugh’s defense, he has had absolutely no trouble with non-rivalry Big Ten teams at the Big House. In fact, he hasn’t lost yet. The Iowa run game produces 150+ yards and Stanley logs 200+, but Michigan gets a couple turnovers and does just enough on offense to keep their season alive. Shea finally keeps and rushes for 60+ yards and two scores. Michigan will be playing with desperation, because they know a loss here portends a 7-5,8-4 disappointment. 

 

#7 Auburn - 30

#10 Florida - 17

 

Defense travels, as does Malzahn’s run game; I think Auburn is in control from the jump, and Florida QB Trask has yet to see a defense like Auburn. I think the Gator offense struggles all day, failing to crack 100 rushing yards, and while Bo Nix reverts to his sporadic ways, he hits enough passes to complement a run game that will tire out the Gator defense.

 

Cincinnati - 30

#18 UCF - 28

 

After their long streak of wins was broken, UCF felt some wind go out of the sails. Cincinnati is eager to prove last year wasn’t a mirage, and this is the most important game on their schedule. The Bearcats score late to pull the upset.

 

#21 Oklahoma State - 27

Texas Tech - 31

 

After a rough outing against the Sooners, Texas Tech is looking to rebound against an Oklahoma State team that struggles to find its footing on the road. Hubbard goes for 150+ but turnovers by young OSU players swing this for the home team.

 

#12 Penn State - 41

Purdue - 13

 

Purdue is gutted with injuries, and the defense is reeling. Don’t expect much resistance out of the Boilermakers, here. PSU covers but they don’t hit the over.

 

#11 Texas - 40

West Virginia - 21

 

The Mountaineers have made a habit of giving the Longhorns trouble, but just don’t have the juice to keep this one close, despite a sloppy start from the Horns.

 

Illinois - 32

Minnesota - 27

 

I think the Gophers get a painful crash in this one. Illinois can run the ball well and Minnesota has been living on the edge. Gophers are the better team, but you can only play with fire so long.

 

Miami - 21

Virginia Tech - 16

 

Miami has been looking for a ‘breakout’ win of sorts, and while VT is down, it gives the ‘Canes an opportunity to prove themselves. Fuente’s team seems like they’re on the edge.

 

Northwestern - 28

Nebraska - 21

 

The Wildcats have gotten off to a poor start, but turn it around against the Huskers, who are still demoralized after last week. A troubled Husker defense allows a putrid Northwestern offense to find footing.

 

#5 LSU - 40

Utah State - 26

 

Utah State QB Jordan Love is a talent, and keeps his defense off the field with a couple of lone drives. Not sure they have a chance to win it, but I think they cover and keep the under intact.

 

#13 Oregon - 30

California - 17

 

A depleted Cal offense can’t score enough to make this close, but the Oregon offense will run into trouble.

 

Parting Thoughts:

 

I have none. Give me more football. I spend all week waiting for Saturday, and if wishing my life away means more college football, then so be it.

 

HOSANA BAAL.