Opponent Watch 2023: Week 9
Hi, it’s me again.
Bryan Mackenzie is taking a hiatus from Opponent Watch (hey should we change the title, by the way? It sounds so self-incriminating these days), so I volunteered for backup duty. Bryan, I gotta say, I really love what you’ve done with this piece. I apologize for all the gimmicky prompts you’ve faithfully preserved all these years (“Michigan can sleep soundly about” just screams undeveloped prefrontal cortex), so please feel free to change them when you return. I do hope you return. You’re the Blake Corum of college football humor.
Anyhow, it’s been a hot second since the last time I posted something here, hasn’t it? I’m doing great, if you were wondering. After writing for mgoblog, I decided to become a urologist. I moved to the west coast for residency, and now I’m in my last year of fellowship training. My passionate disdain of rocks and rock-like objects led me to pursue a career in endourology, which is a fancy way of saying I remove kidney stones for a living.
So in that spirit, we’re doing kidney stone analogies today.
About last week:
Ten years ago I was in East Lansing for the -48 yards rushing game. After the game Ace Anbender and I happened upon a bottle of Buffalo Trace in my trunk and played a game of “what is the saddest song you can think of” as State fans paraded around us. It started out funny and ironic, but eventually it just became sad. We settled on the Jeff Buckley version of “Hallellujah.” Chantel Jennings found us in an emptied parking lot about an hour later and drove us home.
I wasn’t in East Lansing last weekend, but I like to think that somewhere in that parking lot there was a Michigan State fan listening to Jeff Buckley and singing along to a cold and broken Hallelujah.
[After THE JUMP: Diagnoses]
The Road Ahead
Purdue (2-5, 1-3 B1G)
Last week: Bye
Recap: Thank goodness I don’t have to write this up, because I have watched zero Purdue games this season.
This team is as frightening as: A Randall’s plaque.
Coe et al. JCI 2003.
It’s not a kidney stone per se; it’s more of a precursor lesion. In patients who form a lot of kidney stones, you can see these plaques studding the inside surface of the kidney when you look endoscopically. How long before a Randall’s plaque develops into a bona fide kidney stone? Check back in a year or two.
Michigan should worry about: NCAA shenanigans putting a damper on all the good vibes from this season.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: Locker room vibes seem just fine.
When they play Michigan: Night games starting at 4:30 is one of the best parts about living on the west coast.
Next game: @ Nebraska
Penn State (6-1, 3-1 B1G)
Last week: Lost to Ohio State 20-12
Recap: This game was a stalemate until halfway through the second quarter when Penn State did the thing: they 1) punched the ball out of Kyle McCord’s hand and returned the fumble for a backbreaking touchdown and 2) got flagged for defensive holding on Marvin Harrison Jr. that wiped away the aforementioned fumble returned for a touchdown, resulting in a backbreaking Ohio State touchdown a few plays later.
But the story of the game wasn’t so much the 14-point swing (and to be fair, you can’t hold Marvin Harrison Jr. and expect that to go unnoticed) as it was what Penn State did afterwards, which, on offense, was a whole lot of nothing. They converted 1/16 third downs the entire game. One third down! Want to know the last time Michigan had that kind of performance against Ohio State? No, you don’t! But I’m going to tell you anyway: 2008, Rich Rod’s first season with Nick Sheridan at quarterback. As Michigan fans, we know that you reach those depths only when you have a quarterback maxing out his abilities at 8/24 for 87 yards (3.6 yards/attempt), which is not so different than Drew Allar’s 18/42 for 191 yards (4.5 yards/attempt) (p > 0.5, chi-square test).
So welcome to the Threetsheridamit experience, Penn State fans. At least Rich Rod had the decency to limit the moon balls.
What this game did confirm about Penn State is that their defense is pretty okay. They’re not anthrax-level resilient like Iowa, but they were occasionally getting hands on some Marvin Harrison targets and stuffing third and short runs for a loss. They did their job, even down their best player (Chop Robinson left with an undisclosed injury) for a lot of the game. I know – in the postgame presser James Franklin made it out to be some titanic defensive battle (“I’m not sure if we didn’t just watch two of the best (defenses) in college football”), but let me assure you that 2011 LSU-Alabama this was not, especially considering what was happening on the other side of the ball.
This team is as frightening as: A big bladder stone.
Napitupulu et al, JMA Journal 2022
Bladder stones tend to look impressive. The museum in the American Urologic Association headquarters has a display case full of them, and every urologist has a story about the biggest bladder stone they’ve ever treated.
But the thing about bladder stones is that removing them (cystolitholapaxy or cystolithotripsy) is secretly one of the easiest and most satisfying operations to perform in urology. If you choose to approach the case endoscopically, all you need is a little bit of patience. Inexperienced surgeons screw up this case by causing bleeding and losing visualization. But if you’re systematic, don’t scuff up the bladder, and ensure good drainage, you’re going to have a good time.
Michigan should worry about: Heavy formation on third and short.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: It’s probably a pass.
When they play Michigan:
Next game: vs Indiana
Maryland (5-2, 2-2 B1G)
Last week: Bye
Recap: Okay I confess. I picked this week to do a guest post mostly because I knew I wouldn’t have to recap Maryland or Purdue.
This team is as frightening as: A uric acid stone.
UAB.edu
It’s made from the stuff that causes gout. It does all the things a regular calcium stone does at first, but with a little time and alkaline therapy, it tends to dissolve.
Michigan should worry about: Taulia giveth.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: And Taulia taketh away.
When they play Michigan: I think running the Ohio State game plan might work against Maryland?
Next game: @ Northwestern
Ohio State (7-0, 4-0 B1G)
Last week: Beat Penn State 20-12
Recap: Now, had the hold on Marvin Harrison Jr. NOT been called, the rest of this game would have been a lot more interesting.
Imagine an alternate universe where Ohio State goes into half time down 10-3. Their quarterback is rattled, so much so even with the mulligan that Ryan Day didn’t even bother letting him run a 40-second drill with multiple timeouts to close out the half. And now he can’t get settled because that 2.5 yard/carry run game isn’t preventing any third-and-longs. Throwing to Marvin Harrison Jr. all the time gets interceptably predictable. James Franklin puts away the all-moonball offense in favor of a sane offense, and the Penn State rushing attack, while not particularly explosive, saps away at the will of the Ohio State defense. Fourth quarter rolls around and Penn State is still up a touchdown give or take a field goal. And now it’s Drew Allar vs OSU Cover Zero. Stoppable force meets moveable object.
If there’s anything to gripe about it’s that the refs robbed us of a much more compelling end to this game.
This team is as frightening as: A struvite stone
Pulmonarychronicles.com
Usually associated with chronic infection, struvite stones grow insidiously and form what are called “staghorn” stones that can fill and obstruct an entire kidney. These stones can cause a lot of problems, and the surgical technique to get rid of it (percutaneous nephrolithotomy) involves poking a very precise hole into the kidney so that the stone can be accessed and broken up with a tiny jackhammer. The critical part is making the hole – one of the more difficult procedures in urology requiring a lot of advanced training to master – but once you’ve got access, the jackhammering goes quickly because the struvite is quite soft.
Michigan should worry about: The sign stealing PR campaign has been by far the most effective Michigan game plan Ryan Day has come up with over the last two years.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: The sign stealing PR campaign has been by far the most effective Michigan game plan Ryan Day has come up with over the last two years.
When they play Michigan: Just an honest-to-goodness football game with no subtext whatsoever.
Next game: @ Wisconsin
Objects in rear view:
East Carolina (1-6, 0-3 AAC)
Last week: lost to Biff Poggi-coached Charlotte 10-7.
Recap: Eyabi Okie posted 7 tackles and a sack. He now has 5 on the year. Great to hear he’s doing well.
In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: A phlebolith. A phlebolith is a small calcification in a vein that can resemble a kidney stone on imaging. But don’t be fooled – it is not a kidney stone.
Next game: @ UTSA
UNLV (6-1, 3-0 MWC)
Last week: Beat Colorado State 25-23.
Recap: I guess they’re kind of on a roll? Keep up the good work!
In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: A gallstone. Can cause badness. Fortunately it’s not something urologists typically deal with except for that one time we rotated on general surgery.
Next game: @ Fresno State
Bowling Green (4-4, 2-2 MAC)
Last week: Beat Akron 41-14
Recap: This victory was achieved despite QB Connor Bazelak completing 6/11 passes for 69 yards and 1 touchdown.
In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: Appendicitis. Very painful. Thought it might have been a kidney stone for a minute there, but glad we got it figured out.
Next game: Bye
Rutgers (6-2 (!), 3-2 B1G)
Last week: Beat Indiana 31-14.
Recap: This victory was achieved despite QB Gavin “Hold My Beer” Wimsatt completing 5/12 passes for 39 yards. Yes, he did rush for 143 yards and 3 TDs but that’s beside the point.
In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: A urinary tract infection. Gotta take the entire course of antibiotics, otherwise it comes back in the fourth quarter and beats you 27-24.
Next game: Bye
Nebraska (4-3, 2-2 B1G)
Last week: Beat Northwestern 17-9.
Recap: “Graaawrrr” – Nash Hutmacher
In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: Steinstrasse.
Radiopaedia.org
Literally “stone street,” it’s a German term for what happens when a long thin line of tiny kidney stones pile up and obstruct the ureter. Where did these tiny stones come from, you ask? They’re the fragments of a once mighty kidney stone that has since been reduced to rubble.
Next game: vs Purdue
Minnesota (4-3, 2-2 B1G)
Last week: Beat Iowa 12-10
Recap: Obscured by the terrible fair catch penalty that decided the game was the fact that Iowa netted somewhere around 20 yards the entire second half on 8 drives. I don’t actually know the actual number but this feels spiritually correct. I have nothing to say about Minnesota because I didn’t watch this game for Minnesota.
In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: A Bosniak II cyst.
Imiaos.com
Cysts can form in the kidney. How complex they appear according to the Bosniak classification system dictates how excited urologists and radiologists get about them because the higher the Bosniak classification the more likely they are to be malignant. Bosniak I and IIs are typically benign and not worth keeping an eye on.
Next game: vs Michigan State
Indiana (2-5, 0-4 B1G)
Last week: Lost to Rutgers 31-14.
Recap: QB Brendan Sorsby played the entire game and did okay (15/31, 136 yards 1 TD, 11 rush 49 yards, 1 TD), all things considered? I mean, it wasn’t good, but the bar in the B1G is pretty low *gestures to QB stats above*. I watched him play in person against Michigan, and he definitely stood out as a playmaker even though his numbers weren’t great. I think Indiana has their quarterback.
In hindsight, this team was as frightening as: Ureteral spasm. Felt like a kidney stone for 15 minutes, but turned out to be nothing.
Next game: @ No. 10 Penn State
October 27th, 2023 at 1:00 PM ^
Heiko back with a vengeance! Has it really been 7 years since you last posted?
https://mgoblog.com/content/puntcounterpunt-hawaii-2016#comment-4040649
We would love to have you stick around for awhile!
(edit):
ps: I'm finding myself jealous of your brief encounter with the lovely Chantel Jennings.
October 27th, 2023 at 1:05 PM ^
Admittedly, all I know about being a doctor, I learned from watching my wife watch TV, but I gather that residents are pretty busy people. :)
October 28th, 2023 at 4:40 PM ^
He has guess started in Punt Counterpunt since then I Believe.
October 27th, 2023 at 1:01 PM ^
HEIKO!!!
October 27th, 2023 at 1:09 PM ^
jack hammering my kidneys sounds like more fun than having to watch Iowa's offense.
October 27th, 2023 at 1:09 PM ^
but once you’ve got access, the jackhammering goes quickly because the struvite is quite soft.
October 27th, 2023 at 2:19 PM ^
OppWatch is not your personal erotica site. Or urotica site, whatever that is.
October 27th, 2023 at 1:15 PM ^
Welcome back MGoBlog's foremost Dickdoctor
October 27th, 2023 at 2:20 PM ^
Women pee too. Some even watch football, though I don't know if at the same time.
But he's also MGoBlog's only doctor, AFAIK, so maybe that still tracks?
October 27th, 2023 at 1:20 PM ^
Bravo! Was worried about how someone would step into this piece, and more worried no one would try. Put a hilarious spin on this -- thanks!!
October 27th, 2023 at 1:21 PM ^
That was ... insightful!
October 27th, 2023 at 1:23 PM ^
HEIKO!!!!!!
October 27th, 2023 at 1:25 PM ^
If a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, does it make a sound?
If Opponent's Watch watches in a week with no opponent, do you pee against a tree?
October 27th, 2023 at 1:25 PM ^
Your description of the MSU game 10 years ago was visceral. Spiritually, I was in that car with you guys.
Regarding saddest song ever, I've got to go with Please, please, please let me get what I want. No song can touch it on a "sorrow per word sung" scale. But so many good songs out there. In OT season, we should create a board topic for it.
October 27th, 2023 at 1:29 PM ^
Dr. Heiko out of nowhere!
October 27th, 2023 at 1:29 PM ^
Legen.
Dary.
Heiko is as frightening as: The happy drugs they give you before a kidney stone procedure. That is, not frightening at all. Overall, the whole process (i.e. this week) pretty much sucks, but when you get the good stuff, things tend to be a little better.
Thanks for jumping in!! Oh, and my nomination for sad song is: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. Cat's in the Cradle is pretty bad too, but I'll go with that one.
October 27th, 2023 at 1:33 PM ^
A blast from the past! Welcome back, Heiko! Excellent work!
October 27th, 2023 at 1:44 PM ^
Ha brilliant post. Heiko must truly be a fellow. As an urology resident would definitely have had a snarky reference to being called in at night to place a coude foley.
October 27th, 2023 at 2:17 PM ^
i was SO excited to see the bubble screen smiley. it's HEIKO!!!
this is the best thing that's happened this week. welcome back.
now, if you're smart, you'll run away...it's gotten really fucking weird here.
October 27th, 2023 at 2:18 PM ^
Why do I feel like I have to pee?
October 27th, 2023 at 2:29 PM ^
Just do some kegels
October 27th, 2023 at 2:19 PM ^
Congrats to Heiko! I recall him mentioning that he was moving onto to focus more on his studies - thrilled to see that has paid off.
seeing opponents compared to various kidney stones/maladies is so very mgoblog
October 27th, 2023 at 2:27 PM ^
A happy return for Heiko!
Also, every picture in this post will haunt my dreams for weeks.
October 27th, 2023 at 2:43 PM ^
Methinks you be a medico?
October 27th, 2023 at 2:48 PM ^
It was Roman!!
October 27th, 2023 at 3:19 PM ^
A random stat completely unverified by the AI bot I asked it to:
Most wins vs. bowl teams in one season:
- 2019 Clemson (10)
- 2018 Alabama (9) and 1897 Yale (9)
M is currently at 2 with likely 3 more on deck + 3 more in postseason + 4 teams in the rearview that are 2 wins away. This season isn't about national championships, its about an all-time narrative reversal regarding the schedule.
October 27th, 2023 at 3:41 PM ^
What bowls were there in 1897? I thought Michigan's 1902 Rose Bowl was the first.
October 27th, 2023 at 3:27 PM ^
Dr. Heiko, chapeau!
My amateur homage, fearing that we would be without BiSB’s humor once more this week, is in the Diary section. But yours is more comprehensive and informative! Deeply relevant to us 50-something males in the audience. 🤣
October 27th, 2023 at 3:39 PM ^
Yay Heiko! I wish you were asking questions at press conferences nowadays.
October 27th, 2023 at 3:57 PM ^
Michigan should worry about: The sign stealing PR campaign has been by far the most effective Michigan game plan Ryan Day has come up with over the last two years.
Michigan can sleep soundly about: The sign stealing PR campaign has been by far the most effective Michigan game plan Ryan Day has come up with over the last two years.
---
As Harbaugh might say, "Good s**t, Heiko!"
October 27th, 2023 at 4:49 PM ^
This is good stuff and the 'frightenings' were fascinating!
October 27th, 2023 at 5:22 PM ^
Dr. Livingstone, I presume?
October 27th, 2023 at 5:56 PM ^
Didn't realize how much I missed Heiko
October 27th, 2023 at 6:17 PM ^
Heiko, what an amazing job. I have never been so interested in the urinary system. Well done.
October 27th, 2023 at 8:42 PM ^
Welcome back Heiko. As a customer of your brethren, thanks for all u urologists do. Excellent job as ever. Knocking on wood to keep any future stones at bay. And yes I have gotten a stone moving by riding a roller coaster at Disney World.
October 27th, 2023 at 9:16 PM ^
I’m going to go drink 33.8 fluid ounces of water.
October 27th, 2023 at 9:26 PM ^
Opponent "Watch" just hits different all the sudden...
October 27th, 2023 at 9:42 PM ^
Amazing, really needed a laugh like that. Good to see your work again, Heiko.
October 27th, 2023 at 10:52 PM ^
How is that the dick doctor has nothing to say about Tuck not Cumin'??!
Nice to see an emeritus blogger return.
October 27th, 2023 at 11:26 PM ^
Welcome back Heiko!
Finally an example of what the Internet can truly achieve: fun and educational.
October 28th, 2023 at 11:33 AM ^
Opponent Watch: Come for the football insight, stay for the lessons in treatment of kidney stones.
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