Hello I Am Hung Over Let's Yell About US Soccer
DESOLATION
Hungover? Whatever. Hello, folks. Instead of doing my job last night I had some alcohol and devised a series of mostly-humane traps that can be used against Sunil Gulati and everyone else associated with US Soccer. I plan on 3-D printing these traps and leaving them wherever incompetent executives gather: airline lounges, Sur La Table, the White House, Toys R Us, Starbucks, that kind of thing.
If you will permit me a moment: US soccer is the only sporting thing outside of Michigan I care about these days and it's right up there. Many of my friends I know because of it. A World Cup every four years is a cornerstone of the sporting experience for me, and now it's gone. I expect someone will yell at me for not having an MSU UFR today, and I would like to pre-emptively tell this person to go to hell. Go to hell, jerk. Your silver lining is that I won't be writing about soccer for a month next summer. Instead I will be telling myself that strong men also cry.
Anyway. Defeat has a thousand mothers and everyone is flogging their pet theory. I accept all persons as targets of blame. Yes, Arena. Yes, Klinsmann. Yes, Gulati. Gulati, finally and most of all.
Have we stopped to ask why president of US Soccer, an enterprise that has a nine-digit pile of cash it's sitting on, is a side hustle for an economics professor who looks like a melted pez dispenser?
Or why that guy hasn't been challenged in the last two elections? The most recent came well after it was clear Klinsmann was a bit of a dunce, and nobody even stepped up to the plate. Like all national federations, US Soccer is insulated from consequences and mostly set up to gather cash and dispense it to Chuck Blazer's cats.
Any self-respecting melted pez dispenser would have a wakizashi in his chest this morning, but this guy is talking about "two inches" like not even making the playoff over ten games in a group featuring Honduras, Costa Rica, Trinidad and Tobago, and Panama was a matter of some rotten luck.
It's not. Obviously. In addition to failing to make the World Cup, Gulati's ham-handed management has seen US soccer sued by its own players. Stadium selection has been focused exclusively on cash, with many many matches played on substandard turf. The women refused to play one match in Hawaii because it was so dangerous. The US has missed three of the last four Olympics, and hired a very special boy in Klinsmann. That dumbass left Landon Donovan, the all-time USA GOAT, off a World Cup roster in the same year he was MLS MVP in favor of a kid who can't get on the field in the Bundesliga 2 and an insurance salesman named Brad.
Klinsmann got dominated in three out of four matches, got out of the group because Portugal blew it, was saved the embarrassment of a 10-0 game against Belgium by Tim Howard, and kept his damn job. The US got outshot 15-6 by Haiti in a Gold Cup in which they got badly outplayed by everyone except Cuba, and Klinsmann kept his damn job. Only after Klinsmann had started the US down the path to destruction did Gulati pull the trigger on his very special boy. Klinsmann remains unemployed. It is unlikely he will ever manage another soccer team.
On its face replacing him with Arena was fine, but you can't make a soccer team or an offensive line in one year, and then Arena made a stunningly insane tactical decision to play the same 11 last night. That may be the only thing Gulati can't be blamed for. Finally, a thing Gulati didn't do wrong.
Unfortunately Gulati is accountable to almost nobody, as is usual. The only thing that will get him out is a decrease in the bottom line, and so I beg anyone inclined to go to a US game or buy merch to not do so until a total housecleaning takes place.
I guess now I get to go finish reviewing the MSU game. This week is fun!
October 11th, 2017 at 12:55 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 1:00 PM ^
Don't be surprised when your login information doesn't work next time you attempt to authenticate to this website.
Also, the title of this website is "Michigan football, basketball, hockey, and general what-have-you."
October 11th, 2017 at 1:06 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 1:23 PM ^
You're not getting it. For those of us who passionately follow USMNT, yesterday was bigger than Saturday. I was more upset last night than I have been about any sporting event since the horror.
I greatly appreciate when Brian feels compelled to write about US Soccer.
October 11th, 2017 at 2:22 PM ^
I was pretty upset last night too. Sucks that the US is going to be out of the WC. As the parent of a soccer-obsessed 10-year-old, and someone that really likes USMNT, it is going to suck that I am going to have to watch this tournement rooting for Argentina, as my son will almost certainly default to them for his rooting interest.
But, as bad as this is, to me personally, it just doesn't compare to so many of our recent losses. The Horror, last year's OSU game, the MSU game from 2 years ago, and even last saturday are far higher on my personal pain scale.
October 12th, 2017 at 2:13 PM ^
MSU game plus that T&T dibacle have me walking around like a zombie. I can't feel my face or really anything and that is not a good thing.
Someone pass the whiskey please. PLEASE.
October 11th, 2017 at 3:36 PM ^
You would've been drummed out of here for your post because it is fundamentally fucked up to bitch about a soccer post on this site. It's the kind of bullshit you expect from your 60 year old neighbor, along with some racist bullshit and maybe something something communism.
Maybe you're unaware, but people around Brian's age lived through an era of people constantly shitting on soccer. (I'm a little older - I was part of the first Rec Leagues and then Travel Clubs that popped up in Ann Arbor in the late 70s and early 80s.)
It's fucking tiring. So, no, it wasn't just leftover angst about the MSU game. You tapped into some deepseated annoyance, the day after a devastating loss (for many of us.) It is the rough equivalent of coming on this site and trolling after a loss to OSU.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:27 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 2:25 PM ^
(Is their a specific term for those people?) that they feel the need to make sure everyone knows that they don't like soccer, like the kid in middle school who made sure to tell everyone how not gay he was at every opportunity? As if people will think less of you if you actually enjoyed watching soccer.
October 11th, 2017 at 3:12 PM ^
We should totally make a word for them....
It should be long and German-sounding.
Excellent analogy, btw.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:28 PM ^
Hi, hung over! I'm Dad.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:29 PM ^
Watching that damn game last night was really pissing me off.
The nonchalant effort they showed, especially in the 1st half was truly pathetic, lazy to the ball, terrible passes, left Howard all alone so often to fend for himself.
WTF were they thinkong? Pulisic is such an exciting player and now he won't be able to get that valuable esperience as a 20 yr. old next year.
The World Cup just won't be the same for me as I love international events.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:14 PM ^
Especially since max effort, elite fitness, and grit has been the team's calling card for over a decade. They lost all of that and didn't replace it with anything.
The only thing I can think is that players were tired, having just had the game against Panama, and given that it was a million degrees in T&T...But if that was the case, Arena shouldn't have started the exact same team...But then you look at potential replacements and you remember how shallow the player pool is.
October 11th, 2017 at 2:23 PM ^
has over Klinsy and Arena is his players alway play hard for him even though Bradley have his deficiecies as a coach. We can appreciate the effort even though they're overmatched against the elite.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:29 PM ^
Don't forget about the soccer media. They have a responsiblity in this too. In other EURO/CONMEBOL countires the media would be blasting the federation and asking for accountability. Will any of the established media speak out or will they continue to toe the line and support the status quo?
October 11th, 2017 at 12:50 PM ^
Taylor Twellman and Jeff Carlisle have been going off about how change is needed. Twellman in particular has been pretty salty.
Not sure how those guys rank in the "soccer media" but since they're with ESPN I assume they have a pretty big voice. I've yet to hear anything from Alexi Lalas.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:58 PM ^
It was good to see Taylor Twellman do that. We will see if he continues and puts more pressure of USSF and Sunil Gulati. My thinking is that ESPN steps in and tells him to tone it down.
Alexi Lalas is the biggest shill for Don Garber and the mls. Maybe he will shock me by doing something productive, but I'm guessing he will just continue talking about set pieces.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:37 PM ^
I would bet this would not be the case. Americans do not care about soccer enough for the US team to be not in the World Cup. We love it when we can get behind our team but once we are eliminated we check out. ESPN and Fox Sports spend a lot of money to air the World Cup and the qualifiers. How much are they going to be able to charge advertisers for the upcoming World Cup knowing Team USA is not in it? I think they have an interest seeing it turn around.
October 11th, 2017 at 3:49 PM ^
Whether the US is in them or not, the World Cup pulls monster ratings. Google it.
October 11th, 2017 at 8:09 PM ^
when America is not in it? I doubt it. Fox Sports doesnt have the airing rights outside of America.
October 12th, 2017 at 12:41 PM ^
Not going to the work for you. But there is ample evidence that even after the US is knocked out of tournaments, the ratings crush.
Not that we'll remember or find a way to reconnect, I'll bet you $100 that the ratings will surpass the last round, even without the US in them.
October 11th, 2017 at 3:28 PM ^
Last week or in the last two weeks. Google it. Pretty much went after everyone on the roster.
October 11th, 2017 at 5:23 PM ^
Is he going after the Federation? Gulati? Don Garber?
October 11th, 2017 at 12:30 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 12:31 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 12:31 PM ^
Gulati and US Soccer deserve a more thorough fisking in the off-season. While I can't watch the US in the World Cup, I will still watch, and hope you produce some great soccer content.
The blunders here are massive and extended to every coach and every player. That tells me that leadership at the very highest level is Charles Barkely turrible and cannot change soon enough. But I'm hearing the most likely Gulati successor is a CEO...here's an idea, how about a soccer person?
October 11th, 2017 at 12:45 PM ^
Hopefully this is the event that shows the voting members that change is needed. The election for USSF takes place next Feb in Orlando, we need someone with vision to step up and take charge.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:32 PM ^
What makes this even worse is that both of the things we love (M and US Soccer) are suffering from the same problems. Structural problems combine with bloody fate to give us situations where there are old guys (O'Korn, Kugler; Bradley, Duece and Altidore), a bunch of underseasoned kids, and not much in the middle.
As I watched the end of the matches last night with a combination of a knot in my stomach but also a wry smile ("of COURSE it would end like this"), I realized the last time I felt that combo was September 1, 2007.
Fun times!
October 11th, 2017 at 1:30 PM ^
This is spot on. We have a lost generation in US Soccer. The 24-28 age group is supposed to be the core of the team with a few older stars holding on and a few young future stars (Dempsey/Cameron, Pulisic). Altidore, Yedlin, Wood and Brooks are really the only quality players we have from that age group for 2018. All is not lost but this was always going to be a down cycle and the cataclismic just happened because of it.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:33 PM ^
The turf was so bad that the best American player of either gender (at the time) and perhaps the best female player in the world (at the time) -- Rapinoe -- tore her ACL in a training session on the pitch, and was lost for almost a year.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:33 PM ^
Up there with Twellman's last night.
At some point, I wouldn't mind hearing some of your solutions to our problems (other than decapitation). Some people may prefer during the offseason, but I don't care either way.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:50 PM ^
I wonder if I'm the only one who felt Twellman didn't get spicy enough.
October 11th, 2017 at 3:14 PM ^
Twellman can get a bit ridiculous for my tastes, but I thought he was relatively spot on last night, even if he didn't go full Mike Valenti...
(also, to Brian/Ace/Adam/et al. - I'd pay good money to see the various iterations of this "series of mostly-humane traps that can be used against Sunil Gulati"... bonus page(s) on next years HTTV perhaps?)
October 11th, 2017 at 12:33 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 12:39 PM ^
October 11th, 2017 at 12:35 PM ^
we're not getting a UFR today???
(I'm kidding).
October 11th, 2017 at 12:36 PM ^
1) Changes to a flawed USMNT system are coming.
2) It is a national holiday in Panama today.
3) Maybe they will start paying the USWNT more.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:36 PM ^
The women's team has dominated the world stage, is pulling in healthy revenue (even if you don't care) and probably gets paid in sexual harassment.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:53 PM ^
Title IX here caused a lot of girls in the US to get sporting opportunities long before they did in other countries, and a lot of that was focused on soccer. As a result, the USWNT had a huge head start on other countries' development. But the other countries are catching up and it'll be up to the USSF to keep pace.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:59 PM ^
They have already caught up. If you thought JK experimented too much, you don't want to see what Jill Ellis did in the last couple matches.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:37 PM ^
I'm starting to realize that when "people are in charge of things for no reason" - a pet saying of Brian's - often it's not really no reason, it's that the people who want them in charge consider dollars the #1 indicator of success, more so than the actual real indicators of success like winning the games your organization exists to win. Does Gulati suck pickled horse balls? We may think so, but of course not, look at all the money USSF has! Those backwards fuckers down in Panama can suck on all our greenbacks while they foolishly jet all over Russia next summer for no apparent reason whatsoever.
October 11th, 2017 at 5:25 PM ^
They're the entire point of the exercise.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:38 PM ^
To continue the "fun" parallel between Michigan offensive line hysteria and US soccer hysteria, the hard part to grapple with is whether the U.S. has bad players, or whether we just don't get to see the ones who are good because they are too young.
In earlier USMNT games, we saw some signs from Kellyn Acosta, Matt Miazga, Kelyn Rowe, Lynden Gooch... These players exist! Are they good? Maybe! We'll never know if they don't play on the big stage.
It may result in failure, but I'd rather watch some potential than see the same lack of potential that I've watched for 10 years now in Jozy Altidore, Ale Bedoya, Michael Bradley, etc.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:41 PM ^
Thanks for posting this and enduring the MSU film. I appreciate you bringing your sensabilities to writing about USMNT as well. Despite the pain, I think the MSU UFR will shed some light on this team.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:42 PM ^
You're spot on. Gulati needs to go. Arena was the safe pick to guide us into the World Cup after the Klinsmann experiement, but we need fresh blood. I'd be ok with pretty much any of the names being floated at the moment. I think Brian even made the point a year back that we don't seem to take a look at any of the young guys playing in Europe. We have multiple guys between 18-22 playing in top tier leagues who never seem to get even a mention. We need to start building around Pulisic and starting focusing on the next Gold Cup & Copa America as well as finally qualifying for the next Olympics.
In the meanwhile I'm going to continue to be depressed.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:43 PM ^
Don't whine
Don't Complain
Don't make excuses.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:05 PM ^
You forgot #4 on Wooden's list.
Pay your players and cover it up.
October 11th, 2017 at 12:58 PM ^
"replacing him with Arena was fine" Only in the same way bringing back Lloyd after Rodriguez would have been fine. Arena was an absolute stiff, and everyone knew it. He wasn't brought in because he was the best man for the job, but because MLS has too strong a grip on the USMNT.
October 11th, 2017 at 1:07 PM ^
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