The Game I'll Watch in Hell

Submitted by wolvrine32 on

When I die I'm probably going to hell, just ask any Notre Dame fan.  So I started thinking the other day about what game I'll have to watch in hell, and thought it might be of interest to others.  (Everybody makes The Baddest Michigan Team Ever!!, this is a change of pace.) 

A couple of rules.  First, I really remember Michigan Football from the 1985 season so that's the lower limit for me.  Second, no goofey walk-ons or anything, they had to have played at least a little - enough to make you depressed.  Lastly, I didn't nit-pick over the positions too much, so I may have picked five left tackles.  (And full credit to Andy19il who helped with the list.)

So without further ado, your starting Michigan Wolverine All-Hell team offense!

QB - Demetrius Brown

RB - David Underwood

FB - Ray Jackson

WR - Ron Bellamy, Felman Malveaux

TE - Andy Mignery

OL - Justin Boren, Courtney Morgan, Reuben Riley, Alex Mitchell, Mike Kolodziej

K - Jason Gingell

 

And who will they be playing against?  Why the All-Hell All-Stars:

DL - Steve Emtman, Vernon Gholston, Kenichi Udeze, Mike Vrabel

LB - Michael Stonebreaker, Chris Spielman, AJ Hawk

S - John Miller, Mike Doss

CB - Terrell Buckley, Will Poole

PR - Rocket Ismail

 

On the other sides of the ball, your starting Defense:

DL - Gabe Watson, Alex Ofili, Pat Massey, Larry Harrison

LB - Chris Graham, Carl Diggs, Bobby Powers

S - Ryan Mundy, Chuck Winters

CB - Johnny Sears, James Whitley

PR - Woodrow Hankins

 

Aaaaand they'll be going against the All-Hell All-Stars Offense (try not to be nauseated, we're almost done)

QB - Troy Smith

RB - TJ Duckett

FB - Jerome Bettis

WR - Plaxico Burress, Michael Westbrook

TE - Owen Daniels

OL - Orlando Pace, Aaron Taylor, Jeff Faine, Flozell Adams, Korey Stringer

K - Reggie Ho

 

Couple notes:

  • Obviously Larry Harrison isn't wearing pants
  • Ryan Mundy is the Michigan, non-Barwisized version
  • Owen Daniels probably isn't the best choice at TE for everyone, but I was almost in a frothing rabid rage during the 2005 Wisconsin game, so he is the TE for me personally in this scenario
  • Donovan McNabb was *strongly* considered
  • Gabe Watson made the team because he continually failed to live up to expectations.  Isn't that what hell's all about?
  • John Miller intercepted 4 of Demetrius' passes in 1987
  • OL is really tough to pick.  You try it smart-guy.  You can barely even find a roster on the net to help spur your memory.  (Edit - Alex Mitchell replaced Jeff Gaston in an egregious miss by me.  Just for that the weather forecast will be "UCLA 2000."  My bad.)
  • Chuck Winters allowed a first-offensive play 80-yard TD reception for Boston College in the mid-1990's.  He did improve somewhat from there.
  • I didn't do coaches, but Mike DeBord v Creepy Pants Sweater Vest sounds appropriate
  • Credit to "Will Number Two" for pointing out the officials are from the Sun Belt Conference
  • "Baleedat" recommends the Ohio Stadium grass circa 2006, I concur that's what Mephistopheles will have waiting for me
  • Broadcasters are Brent Musberger and Mike Patrick
  • I hate Reggio Ho with every fiber of my being, and I hope his puppies die.

 

 

lists lists lists

Comments

hat

July 11th, 2008 at 1:49 PM ^

Re ND 2005, the officials actually MISSED Henne's TD, so we had no choice but to take the penalty. It was unbelievable. Henne was clearly in and the refs flat-out blew it - and didn't even review it.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 15

Daniel L

July 11th, 2008 at 1:59 PM ^

Right.  I should have reworded my comment.  I was pissed at the refs and the bullshit penalty.  I was not trying to imply Michigan or Lloyd chose a penalty over a touchdown.  Ugh, I could see it from row 40, why couldn't they see it too.

Joined: 07/01/2008

MGoPoints: 36

ckersh74

July 11th, 2008 at 2:36 PM ^

Clarence Williams at RB. That fucker fumbled every big carry he ever had. He was the one whose fumble was a major contribution to the 17-16 loss at Northwestern.

Alex Mitchell should be one of our OL, too. I've never seen anyone else play on the line at Michigan with a sore vag.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 41763

wolvrine32

July 11th, 2008 at 2:57 PM ^

I take full responsibility for forgetting Alex Mitchell, which was an unforgivable miss by me.  It has been corrected.  Somewhere right now, Andy Moeller is smiling just a little and isn't sure why.

Also bumped the weather to "UCLA 2000."  I wasn't there, but people who were told me it was like being in the 4th ring of hell.

Joined: 07/01/2008

MGoPoints: 132

Blake

July 11th, 2008 at 4:44 PM ^

...but if hell froze over, it would have been the 1995 Michigan-Purdue game in Ann Arbor that ended 5-0 that would be your selection for that. There were maybe 50,000 fans who even showed up that day, let alone stuck it out until the game was over. It was by far the worst game elements-wise I've ever been to; it was cold, windy, it snowed/sleeted/rained and when your 2 scores are a field goal and a safety, you know something has to be wrong.

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/scores95/95315/95315332.htm

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 97

wolvrine32

July 13th, 2008 at 10:36 AM ^

I was at that game, and was sick before I went.  Agreed.  Another bad one was a Boston College mid-1990's game (not the Chuck Winters Special) where it started off warm and then went into full-blown monsoon icicle mode.  That's probably the coldest I've ever been in my life, wearing a t-shirt and getting drenched in 40 degree weather.

Joined: 07/01/2008

MGoPoints: 132

cfaller96

July 11th, 2008 at 3:36 PM ^

Given how much he played as our starter (2+ seasons), that has to count as a "disappointment." For 2+ years Michigan fans held their breath for fucking extra points. Extra.Points.

The dude was awful, yet he seemed to never go away.  He was hell.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 1298

Chrisgocomment

July 11th, 2008 at 4:27 PM ^

I'd like to offer up one Jonathan Navarre....BUT...only his first couple of years, 2000 and 2001. He was pretty good as a Junior and Senior...well, maybe only as a Senior. 2001 was SOOO brutal. That offense was horrible. Funny that a guy who was so bad in 2000 and 2001 would go on to break all the records. Good think Henne came on right after and displaced Navarre as #1 statistically.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 1287

Jim Harbaugh S…

July 11th, 2008 at 4:50 PM ^

Love the will poole mention. He was amazing in the '04 Rose Bowl. Every time we threw the ball he was around it knocking it down and playing great coverage. To me the ultimate hell qb would be Troy Smith '04 edition. Simply because he couldn't throw for shit, but he ran for like 200 yards and our coaching staff never caught on that he couldn't fucking throw the ball and he was just looking to run. IMO it was that game that gave Tressel and co. the upper hand on Carr and launched the Tressel owns michigan shit.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 577

Blake

July 11th, 2008 at 8:20 PM ^

speaking of which, I think Michigan has the nation's longest streak without being shut out. I'm not sure where I can go to confirm this, but 23+ years is pretty significant.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 97

The Other Brian

July 12th, 2008 at 6:28 AM ^

Underrated pick for safety (on UM's side): Willis Barringer. I'm pretty sure he was the idiot that spent all day yapping at Jarrett in the Rose Bowl, which only served to piss him off and go nuclear on our entire secondary.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 1419

mjv

July 14th, 2008 at 2:27 AM ^

Hat, I believe that Butterfield was a JUCO transfer and only played two years in AA. I find it funny that Braylon never mentions him with regards to the #1. The weather must be Purdue 95. By the end, it seemed like everyone was in the first 10-15 rows of the stadium. I give my wife (girl friend at the time) a lot of credit. She didn't even ask to leave. She knew there was no way we were going since the game was technically still in doubt. I wasn't at the UCLA 2000 game, but the Virginia 95 game was the hottest game I have ever been to. My seats were in the north endzone at the time so we took the full frontal force of the sun for what seemed like forever. I thought that the temperature that day was in the mid-90s. Unlike UCLA 2000, we did manage to beat Virginia.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 3685

wolvrine32

July 18th, 2008 at 4:15 PM ^

Todd would be the 3rd CB in the game.  You might be right about Whitley being better than I recall, but I seem to remember his name being around disaster quite a bit.  I do know that at no time was I ever thinking "Everything's good.  Howard/Whitley is in the game."

Joined: 07/01/2008

MGoPoints: 132

TeamDP

July 18th, 2008 at 2:09 PM ^

Oh yeah....Joey Sarantos (excuse my French) was FUCKING TERRIBLE. watch the game vs. Texas in the Rose Bowl. My blood is on fire right now.  Joey Sarantos had no business ever seeing the field.  this was  a classic Carr "but he really practices hard" player.  JOEY FUCKING SARANTOS!!!!

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 2

chitownblue (not verified)

July 18th, 2008 at 3:04 PM ^

Joey Sarantos only played that year when we had about 17 MLB's go down. It wasn't what you'd call "voluntary". Also, I hate to say it, but Justin Boren's inclusion is a little bit of wishful thinking. He was not a bad player for us.

Joined: 12/12/2017

MGoPoints: 0

The Barking Sp…

July 18th, 2008 at 4:06 PM ^

I have exhaustively researched the claim about Michigan not being shut out in 23 years, and actually I don't think they've been shut out since the Minnesota Golden Goophers shut them out in 1977.

Joined: 07/03/2008

MGoPoints: -87

chitownblue (not verified)

July 18th, 2008 at 4:17 PM ^

There were iterations of Jeremy LeSeur that were nightmarish as well. His final season was good. Before that....yikes.

Joined: 12/12/2017

MGoPoints: 0

SFBayAreaBlue

August 3rd, 2008 at 12:08 PM ^

Danielson is one of the few guys that will actually point out INTERESTING things about the game that might be hard to see on TV without his help.  In general I can't stand most play by play guys.  isn't that position just a remnant of the radio days?  Do we really need a guy telling us what just happened, what down and distance it is, etc, when all that information is now floating across the top or bottom of the screen. 

Basically all they're there for is to emote, but since they're not really rooting for either team it just comes off as hollow and fake.  If it wasn't for the damn time delay I'd always watch games live with the volume down and the home team radio announcers.  at least then you get true emotions.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 10541

wolvrine32

August 4th, 2008 at 10:51 AM ^

Oh, I know exactly why you picked Gary D, his inane promoting of the SEC in 2006.  But that's just one moment of stupidity, whereas the rest of his career was well above average.  Mike Patrick on the other hand hasn't called a sober game in 15 years.  When I'm in the stands listening to the announcers on my very hot-to-the-touch headset, Mike Patrick will absolutely cause the most misery.

If this were about holding a grudge though, it's Gary D.  He blew any Michigan karma he might have had.

Joined: 07/01/2008

MGoPoints: 132

dantejones

July 30th, 2008 at 4:26 PM ^

Personally Dusty Mangum would be my kicker. He is probably the only kicker to play for a non-Michigan team whose name I'll remember far into the reaches of Alzheimer's.

Joined: 06/30/2008

MGoPoints: 9