hashtag ifitaintbrokebreakit [Eric Uphurch]

THIS ARTICLE HAS A SPONSOR: It’s Nick Hopwood, our MGoFinancial Planner from Peak Wealth Management. Have you checked out his podcast yet? He’s been bringing in interesting guests—Richard Hoeg was one, Brian’s bolded subconscious alter ego was another (actual Brian plans to do one soon). If your financial strategy is to bounce around liquidating failing companies, you don’t need Nick, but if you’ve built something that has value, and this has in turn gotten you some value, and you’ve got a lot of life yet to go, you should talk to Nick about a strategy for that.

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BECAUSE OF RECENT EVENTS, LET’S JUST NAME SOME ENTIRELY THEORETICAL DAVE BRANDON BURNER ACCOUNTS AND SEE WHERE THIS GOES

slackbot: quit drinking and go to bed

Ace: Slackbot knows this is a bad idea but we’re gonna power through it.

The Mathlete: This a probable mild bad decision, @probablemild

Seth: @thebrand1234567

Ace: @retailactivationerror

The Mathlete: @enoughlatenightdrinking

Alex: @campdavid6969

Ace: @everafter734

Alex: @vulturecapitaltoysrus

Seth: @tgiff And by the way we are docking the cost of those cardboard boxes from your last paycheck.

Ace: @findanewteam

@happylife_goblue

Seth: @...

The Mathlete: @plentyofseatsonmyjet

Ace: @lochdogg

The Mathlete: @wowexperience

Seth: @section1.

Ace: lol, was waiting for that one.

Seth: Sorry, Section 1.

Ace: Should we maybe tell people why we’re doing this? This is why we’re doing this:

The Curious Case of Bryan Colangelo and the Secret Twitter Account

A collection of Twitter accounts that has criticized Joel Embiid and Markelle Fultz, disclosed sensitive information, and outlined team strategy shares eye-opening similarities. What does that have to do with the Philadelphia 76ers’ decision-maker?

I never thought I’d say anything like this but… at least Brandon knew better than to get on the bad side of his own players?

[After THE JUMP: we create the space.]

The Mathlete: (do we want to offer some sort of a bounty for anyone that can track back a potential Brandon burner account)

Ace: (my god yes, I still have that Dave Brandon football card)

slackbot: quit drinking and go to bed

Brian: @mypersonalityihavetofixit

Seth: @createthefuture, @innovatethespace

Brian: I should state for the record that I don't think Brandon actually had any burners.

Ace: …but we’d be interested in learning about any.

Brian: Because he just emailed people under his own account.

Ace: This is true.

Brian: Also remember that post on the official site about "big boy football"?

Ace: His university account!

Brian: To have a burner you have to have a sense of shame.

Seth: @pimphand from back when Dave read MGoBlog.

Ace: Or be illegally sharing medical information. So… maybe we should check some tweets from after the Morris incident.

Brian: Again, Michigan was just throwing that out there in public possibly illegally. I absolve Dave Brandon of the sin of having burners, because he's guilty of all others.

slackbot: quit drinking and go to bed

Alex: Would you put it past @pizzadave5and7 to defend Dave Brandon's sartorial choices online?

slackbot: quit drinking and go to bed

Ace: Every time I think back to 2014 it gets more and more, just, how did any of this happen.

@onedaymediatour

A deep cut: @heretoacceptanaward

Alex: My take remains this: if Shane doesn't get concussed, and if Michigan doesn't create a massive PR crisis, Brandon isn't fired in time, Harbaugh doesn't go to Ann Arbor, and we get Butch Jones or something.

Ace: The emails helped.

Alex: but. his. e. mails.

Brian: I don't want to get into Man In The High Castle alternate histories until Harbaugh wins a thing

Ace: Fair.

Seth: Michigan had way more problems in 2014 than the football coach.

Ace: There was a rally on the school president’s front lawn during, I believe, his first week on the job? About football. He came from Brown. That had to be a hell of a hello for Schlissel. He still looked completely befuddled about most of this at the presser announcing DB’s “resignation.”

Alex: Well if @thebrandthebrandthebrand had made some good points in Schlissel's menchies, who knows what would have happened.

Ace: @deleharding

Brian: Yes, poor bastard. "This seems like the kind of academic institution I can respectably leave my post for. Oh, look, a protest! The vital wellspring of campus life! Seems strangely male, I wonder if this is about--

it's about what?

Did I sign that contract already?"

Seth: Schlissel had a pre-scheduled meeting the morning of the Fire Brandon rally with the Detroit Jewish Community Relations Council. First thing he said when he met with us (i.e. our director and board officials) was "I don't want to talk about football."

Brian: We all get there eventually.

Ace:

Surreal.

Was then, even more now.

Brian: I cannot believe that happened

Alex: I was in a creative writing class in Angell Hall when this was happening and my classmates were wondering why a helicopter was hovering overhead.

The Mathlete: Remember how I was randomly in town and you, your wife and I randomly ate dinner together after?

Brian: At Seoul Garden?

The Mathlete: Red Hawk, I think.

Brian: Both good options.

Ace: I definitely took photos of Brian getting interviewed on the local news in a Michigan hockey jersey.

Seth: Kenny Magee sent me some photos of that. I think the reporter had to stand on a duffel bag because Brian was too tall for her.

Ace:

The Mathlete: you were plotting your run from Trustee

Ace: The whole album is just absurd.

The Mathlete: We should plan a 5 year reunion of the event.

Alex: I'm hoping for An Oral History Of The Demise Of David Brandon at some point.

Seth: I bet Two Cokes guy is successful now.

Ace: The absolute best protest sign, bar none.

Seth: Ohshit the meme guy is in there.

Ace: HE’S EVERYWHERE

Brian: Some months later a guy @-d me something about how Brandon had accomplished more than I ever would and his twitter bio said he was the manager of brand activation for a pro sports team.

Ace: That was Dave Brandon.

slackbot: quit drinking and go to bed

Brian: His twitter was not anonymous! He swiftly deleted the tweet and went private IIRC.

Ace: lol

Brian: I am the manager of brand de-activation

Ace: Way better gig

Seth: That explains the website launch.

Ace: Hey-o.

Coming soon!

The Mathlete: -ish

Brian: GUYS

Ace: we’re all fired

Seth: No it's still Thursday.

Wednesday

Whatever I blog.

(for now)

Ace: TWO DAYS, BABY

FIRE ALL THE TAKES

Brian: Anyway this is probably enough Dave Brandon retrospective for one year.

slackbot: quit drinking and go to bed

The Mathlete: We need to save some for the Anniversary Party next year.

Ace: Yes. Thank you, Bryan Colangelo, but also not.

Alex: More like Cryan Bolange-- no, NO wait! sorry! I'm trying to dele-- [gets hauled into the Sarlacc Pit]