Punt/Counterpunt: Rutgers 2019
Something's been missing from Michigan gamedays since the free programs ceased being economically viable: scientific gameday predictions that are not at all preordained by the strictures of a column in which one writer takes a positive tack and the other a negative one… something like Punt-Counterpunt.
PUNT
By Bryan MacKenzie
@Bry_Mac
A lot has changed in the 168 hours since we last spoke. I predicted a loss last week, but no one predicted that. We entered with the game with a vague foreboding, but we exited… well, actually, we didn’t exit. We got shoved, hard and ingloriously, into the Black Pit of Negative Expectations. And there we reside.
[After THE JUMP: Let’s explore!]
The difference, though, is that this isn’t the version of the pit where we constantly fear for the moment when the floor caves in, and where every positive thing is diminished and every negative thing enhanced. We’re used to BPONE, like a raven perched just above our chamber door, answering every hope, fear, and question with a threatening “eight-and-four.” We don’t know whether we want it to stay or fly away, but it reminds us that nice things are temporary and agony is always one false step away.
Lost contain
This isn’t that. This isn’t The Raven. The floor isn’t precarious. It dun’ collapsed. This here is some Pit and the Pendulum stuff. We aren’t sitting in a sad but well-lit bedroom in a state of passive ennui because our Lenore-like sadness over a losing streak to Ohio State. We aren’t seeking higher answers. No, this isn’t hypothetical. We’re in a hole in the ground. It’s pitch black. We don’t know whether the next step will make things better or worse, but either way, we’re wondering when the next torture will arrive and what will form it will take. Our worries have been whittled down to two: is there any way out of here, and can it get any worse.
Still more modern and comfortable than Spartan Stadium
But here’s the good news: we have only adopted the darkness. Rutgers was born in it. Molded by it. To them, the light is nothing but blinding, which may explain why they can’t complete a pass more than about three yards downfield. Michigan has been bad in the short-term, but Rutgers has been hanging out in the pit since 2015, and has been pit-adjacent almost continuously since approximately 1869.
This year, Rutgers has the potential to be even worse than they were last year, which says a lot when they were 1-11 last year with blowout losses to Kansas, Buffalo, and Illinois. Their only win is over the worst team in the FCS level of college football, and they trailed in that game 21-7 at one point. In their loss to Iowa, they threw for 47 yards on 27 attempts, which was the 11th time in the last three-and-a-quarter seasons where they have thrown for fewer than three yards per attempt. That’s 28% of their games. And then they lost to a Boston College team who lost by 24 points to Kansas the week before.
Michigan can’t get out of the pit this week. This isn’t that kind of game. But they can sure take care of this smaller but more immediate problem by immuring these drunk jester-hat-wearing buffoons behind a brick wall. If we’re feeling generous, we’ll leave them with a cask of something nice. Michigan 41, Rutgers 6.
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COUNTERPUNT
By Internet Raj
@internetraj
By all accounts, the 2007 film The Bucket List should be a completely unremarkable and forgettable exercise in prefab sentimental cinema. The film, which follows two terminally ill men embarking on one “final” road trip with a wish list of things to do before they die, was universally panned by reviewers. Esteemed New York Times film critic Wesley Morris casually dismissed the movie saying, “It's impossible to mistake the movie for inspired.” Meanwhile, Roger Ebert, who was dying of cancer at the time his review, issued the following warning: “I urgently advise hospitals: Do not make the DVD available to your patients; there may be an outbreak of bedpans thrown at TV screens.” Chris Vognar of the Dallas Morning News echoed the sentiments of most of his contemporaries when he pronounced, “Bucket’s rush to sentiment leads you to think the film, not its characters, is soon to expire.”
I disagree.
The Bucket List does in fact inspire. And it certainly was not doomed to “soon expire.” In fact, I would go so far as to proclaim that The Bucket List has perhaps contributed more to our contemporary culture than any other piece of post-2000 art solely by lending its titular phrase to our collective consciousness.
That’s right. Those 107 minutes of milquetoast banter between Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson—which scored exactly zero awards and garnered no accolades—invented the phrase “bucket list.” The phrase we all casually use with regularity, as if it was engrained in modern English vernacular since the turn of the last century? It was created by a movie with a goddamn 42% aggregate critics’ score on Rotten Tomatoes.
When I first shared this theory on social media, I thought it was a fun nugget of pop culture trivia that would amuse and hopefully surprise some people. To me, it was absolutely preposterous to think that a film with such barely registerable culture cachet could have had such a disproportional impact on our society. “Bucket list” has entrenched itself, on a truly global scale, as a commonly understood and immediately recognizable everyday phrase. But what happened next surprised me. I was met with a wave of steadfast denial and outright hostile opposition from a mass of people that I am certain had fallen victim to the Mandela Effect. Most of these responses were some formulation of “I was using ‘bucket list’ long before 2007.” I was confident that was just not true. So I did what any true journalist would do: I embarked on a tiring, comprehensive, and ironclad 15 minutes of deep dive research.
My findings are summarized here.
First, as a purely clarificatory matter, I am not claiming that The Bucket List invented the phrase “kick the bucket.” I emphatically concede that “kick the bucket” has existed for decades and is surely the inspiration of “the bucket list.” I suspect a non-insignificant portion of my detractors are confounding these phrases and my claim. That does not change the fact that “bucket list” is an independently popular and widespread phrase in itself.
Second, if “bucket list” was even a remotely popular phrase, it would have left some modicum of a cyber imprint predating 2007. That has demonstrably been disproven by an internet boutique, specializing in this type of evidence: Google.
Third, even if one remains unconvinced by the phrase’s lack of internet footprint, then certainly the phrase “bucket list” would appear in books predating 2017. Well, it doesn’t—outside of the purely distinct, independent use of “bucket list” in the context of computer programming, there does not exist widespread usage of the phrase in English language books:
Finally, let’s hear from Justin Zackham, the screenwriter of the decidedly middling film, himself. Zackham is on the record as having coined the phrase (WSJ ($) and Slate). For the sake of completeness and academic rigor, I reached out to Mr. Zackham myself, but he has yet to respond as of publishing time. To be fair, I sent the message 4 hours ago to an Instagram account I’m not even sure is his.
This is all to say The Bucket List invented its titular phrase. Yes, it’s wild. Yes, it’s unbelievable. Yes, it’s true.
And one day, when you’re old and gray, when you have creaking joints and a bathroom shelf full of orange-tinted prescription pill containers, when your ever-deteriorating motor skills cause you to spill your full glass of water on the carpet and your grandchild looks up at you and says, “Grandpa you just Rutgered” and you smile at them and tell them that word came from the really bad college sports team and they roll their eyes and retort, “No way a phrase that popular came from something so crappy”…well at least you can’t say I didn’t warn you.
Michigan 77, Rutgers 3.
September 28th, 2019 at 8:16 AM ^
I hope Raj includes the filmmaker's response as a postscript next week.
Also, I'm pretty sure when grandpas Rutger, it involves adult diapers.
September 28th, 2019 at 9:43 AM ^
Yes, the ever-so-unfortunate 'debowelestration'.
September 28th, 2019 at 8:26 AM ^
Through the good and bad, the content on mgoblog never falters. Even in an 8-4 year it’s great to have such a great place to commiserate.
September 28th, 2019 at 8:36 AM ^
/looks hard at schedule
/2-1, wins over Rutgers and Illinois likely
/4 more wins this season with this schedule??
someone is an optimist.
September 29th, 2019 at 12:54 PM ^
Illinois, Maryland, already beat Rutger, Indiana, MSU, then one of Iowa/PSU/ND/OSU(lol) isn't crazy. But man it's sad how hard even 9-10 wins looks right now.
September 28th, 2019 at 8:29 AM ^
The Shawshank Redemption didn’t exactly set the box office on fire or please the critics.
And yet, when it appears on your TV as you scan for something to watch, does your remote stop clicking when it finds it?
Morgan Freeman... in both... hmmm.
(Thanks for the distractions, I’m starting to forget what happened last week.)
September 28th, 2019 at 9:38 AM ^
Excellent point, and a microcosm of Michigans problems in the Harbaugh era.
We long to have the story of our program be one that would naturally have a starring role for Morgan Freeman.
Instead, we clearly create a story that would feature Samuel L. Jackson.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:03 AM ^
We could use a little bit of the early Pulp Fiction Samuel L.Jackson, before he decided to walk the earth, and have adventures.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:22 AM ^
I must be the only person who doesn't understand the Shawshank hype. I saw it once and never had the urge to rewatch it. Honestly, Bucket List was better.
September 28th, 2019 at 8:29 AM ^
I like Raj's 77-3 prediction but am hoping for a 100-0 ragefest from our guys. Unfortunately, I expect an ugly slugfest where Bryan's picture of the pendulum descending on us is more appropriate.
Praying that the Finebaum rats shown in the picture are denied a meal today.
September 28th, 2019 at 9:42 AM ^
Finebaum wins today no matter the outcome.
Even at 100-0, we would be laughed at as the proverbial schoolyard bully picking on the handicapped kids, but who turtles when a normal kid punches us in the face.
There is no way to change the narrative today, or even next week. We can begin in Happy Valley.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:17 AM ^
I can't help but see an overthrown pass to Tarik on 1st down, then a running play up the middle for no gain, leading to a 3rd and 10 on the first series. Third down will be Turner missing a block on a blitzer, leading to a punt.
Then I go to Lowe's and get my Saturday started.
September 28th, 2019 at 12:01 PM ^
Logged in to upvote this. Hope Rutger doesn’t read this site. Also any stock tips?
September 28th, 2019 at 8:21 PM ^
I live where Finebaum started. I have been ignoring that professional troll since long before any of you heard of him. I would advise doing the same.
September 28th, 2019 at 8:31 AM ^
I am not sure that I can put into words how much I enjoyed this column. Such a perfect piece for this particular (crappy) game. We will win and we should win by a ton, comfortably, but it will do nothing to ease our BPONE torture since the win will come over the team that invented the phrase Rutgered.
September 28th, 2019 at 8:32 AM ^
MGoBlog:
Come for football analysis
Stay for the pithy movie reviews
September 28th, 2019 at 8:35 AM ^
And Splash! invented the name Madison (for girls, anyway).
Think about how many girls there are named Madison. And none if them is older than 37.
Go Blue!
September 28th, 2019 at 9:49 AM ^
Interesting. I had always thought that name was invented by strippers who had run out of other city names to use.
(Dallas, Cheyanne, Houston, Paris, London, Charlotte, Rio, Vegas...)
September 28th, 2019 at 9:57 AM ^
Because Madison is where the hot strippers are?
September 28th, 2019 at 10:07 AM ^
Perhaps you are describing an earlier iteration of the script. Makes the title pretty ewwww, though.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:59 AM ^
Notice you never hear of a stripper named "Detroit"
Shit, when it's so bad they choose Madison instead.
September 28th, 2019 at 8:06 PM ^
There’s a joke in here somewhere about South Bend
September 28th, 2019 at 8:57 AM ^
OMG, Raj’s take was as brilliant as an M. Knight movie (the good ones). It simply makes no sense, nothing is relevant, and you wonder why you’re wasting your time with it...until the very last line. A+, sir.
September 28th, 2019 at 9:01 AM ^
We will win. But we won’t cover the spread. I’d bet my house on it.
September 28th, 2019 at 9:36 AM ^
I tend to agree. The fact our wins were lackluster against Army and MTSU (who's only win was a struggle over a bad FCS team Tenn St.) is not a good sign. Rutgers, as bad as they are, would only be 8 to 10 pt dogs to Army on a neutral field and woule be favored against MTSU.
This team reminds me of a Hoke team that who's wins are unsatisfying, close games against inferior opponents and losses are potential pummelings by good teams. Michigan will win, but I could see a tie game at halftime ultimately ending in a 14 or 21 pt win.
September 28th, 2019 at 9:44 AM ^
If Rutgers scores first watch out. Total total panic will set in and this team could crumble like a stale potato chip.
September 28th, 2019 at 9:52 AM ^
Interesting take.
In my experience, stale potato chips get more soggy and soft than crumbly.
The fresh chips are the crunchy ones.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:15 AM ^
Depends on the humidity
September 28th, 2019 at 11:26 AM ^
Maybe “fold” instead of “crumble”.
September 28th, 2019 at 8:08 PM ^
Let me know if you need a place to stay tonight, UPMichigan :)
September 28th, 2019 at 10:08 AM ^
Raj, I hate to burst your bubble, but “bucket list” was an ad production phrase I first heard in the ‘90s while working on a music score for a GM project. The production folks would complain, “The client came to us with a bucket list of things that we have to shoot.”
I’d guess that, as with many things advertising, the phrase originated in the film production community, since there was some overlap between folks who worked in both worlds when ad budgets were more substantial. Ad people were forever copying film people.
But whatever the origin, it wasn’t invented by that movie. The movie absolutely came a decade later.
Sometimes it takes a while for a once-hip phrase to percolate into the public consciousness, which is my guess as to why you couldn’t find early internet references to it.
This doesn’t mean you’re wrong about the sad origin of the common use of the phrase, because what is sadder than ad folks in Detroit pretending they’re hip movie folks in LA?
September 28th, 2019 at 11:07 AM ^
But his point is that 'bucket list' referring to a bunch if things you want to do before you die came from that movie.
Given the context you describe in your comment, the meaning of the phrase in that is quite distinct from that.
I also find it hard to believe the current meaning of 'bucket list' comes from that movie, but he offers solid evidence. His analysis reminds me of William Safire's 'On Language' column that used to run in the NYT.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:54 AM ^
Yes it comes from that movie. It was even in the trailer for the movie, where they explain what it is:
"Bucket List?"
"Yes, things you want to do before you kick the bucket."
September 28th, 2019 at 12:52 PM ^
what is sadder than ad folks in Detroit pretending they’re hip movie folks in LA?
Having to reach back to the '90s for an irrelevant story to set up taking a swipe at Detroit.
September 28th, 2019 at 10:32 AM ^
Wow those are both wildly optimistic scores. I hope you are both right...this weather isn’t going to help though.
i certainly wasn’t an avid user of the phrase bucket list but I had heard it used and knew what it meant long before that movie came out. That movie made the phrase a lot more popular though!
September 28th, 2019 at 10:36 AM ^
Michigan scores 100 and all will be right
Go Blue!
September 28th, 2019 at 10:47 AM ^
This game will be like getting a stick of refreshing chewing gum one week after getting one's right arm amputated forcefully.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:06 AM ^
Bryan MacKenzie's "Punt" was one of the best pieces of writing I've read in a while. That's terrific stuff.
As for the game ... I'd prefer not to win some blowout game, based on Rutgers errors and incompetence. I'd prefer Michigan execute a well-designed and flawlessly executed game and win by a respectable 4 or 5 touchdowns. 77-0 is a clown show, but a nice 35-0 game of merciless execution would be an effective salve at this point.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:35 AM ^
I've been Rutgering on a daily basis for the last 20 years, though the liquids involved are urine and fortified wine.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:42 AM ^
I went on a date with a “work hard/play hard” girl in 1989 who had a bucket list of 100 things to do before she died. When that movie came out the guy claimed to have coined the phrase and at the time I remember thinking he was a dirty liar hoping to cash in on a zeitgeist concept.
September 28th, 2019 at 11:43 AM ^
For the love of Yost, STOP REFERENCING BPONE!
It’s fucking a pathetic phrase, that’s become an even more pathetic meme, propagated by the proprietor of this blog as a desperate means of gathering scores followers to his side to normalize his emotional fragile state. He’s handed you a knotted rope, which you’ve taken up, and told you that self-flagellation — in front of the entire CFB fan world — will make the pestilence abate.
So many dance to the sardonic tune played on the flute of a (for profit) self-appointed Michigan sports community “leader” without a modicum of self-awareness, seemingly rejoicing in the collective misery, while remaining entirely dismissive of their contribution to the overall malaise of the program on and off the field.
Fucking sad!
September 28th, 2019 at 1:42 PM ^
Sounds like the BPONE has got you flailing in its maw.
If you find somewhere with better writers, let me know. If you don’t like the site, why read?
September 28th, 2019 at 11:50 AM ^
I want to hate Punt/Counterpunt. It's just so dumb and utterly pointless.
But the writing is just so damn good . . .
September 28th, 2019 at 11:54 AM ^
Ah, when Message Board Guy goes irreverent.
The first guy lost me at BPONE--that's tired, played out Brian Parrot shit.
The second guy lost me when he parroted Brian by talking about some stupid old fucking movie with two long ago irrelevant old farts.
Irreverence sucks when it's not irreverent, and even less funny.
And particularly when it's all "I'm trying to be just like Brian"
Only Brian is Brian and his writing is AWESOME.
The Parrots just plain suck.
September 28th, 2019 at 12:07 PM ^
I'm so deep in BPONE I am braced for a close game.
September 28th, 2019 at 12:28 PM ^
STFU!!!
September 28th, 2019 at 8:11 PM ^
Sten, relax. You're seriously going to rupture an important internal organ if you can't let people use a phrase without screaming at the universe. Don't ever say [that certain phrase] yourself. But unless you are going to become a wizard emperor and magically excise it from all human language, you're going to have to start ignoring it. Just some advice from a mom.
September 28th, 2019 at 5:56 PM ^
Your "bucket list" / "rutger" theory makes so much sense that it may be doomed, but I wish you well in your quixotic tilt against the internet.
But, wait! That's your first name. Are we dealing with a split-personality situation here? Parallel universes?
Speaking of parallel universes, in one universe I've been contributing frequently for the past month. boosting my point total over a less-embarrassing 1,000 or so. In another universe, my point total hasn't changed — though I did discover last week that I could LOSE a point.
Never read this but I'm compelled to type a year and a half later that I know deep in my bones that "bucket list" was a term before that movie. Learning the dude thinks he invented it is hilarious.
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