The Peasant Handbook

 

Native Link for better viewing experience:

https://peasanthandbook.com/2019/10/09/what-did-i-just-watch-week-6-2/

 

 

What did I just watch?!?

-A BIG-centric recap of weekly happenings in the world of College Football

 

Week 6

The Testudo was a defensive formation used by Roman infantry to protect against missiles and cavalry. The soldiers would close ranks and, like its etymological origin, create an impenetrable shell. Battles would grind to a halt as these armored clumps entered into a standoff. In much the same fashion, a muted Week 6 of the 2019 College Football season hosted defensive battles and pace befitting a tortoise. Which teams were unable to hold the ranks, and who came out just a Hare ahead?

 

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#14 Iowa - 3

#19 Michigan - 10

Prior to the age of Enlightenment, it was common practice for a victorious army to sack a conquered city. Apple juice reservoirs were dumped into the street and families were separated from their cats, along with a number of lesser evils. Nearly every notable city in Eurpoean lore has been sacked, be it by fellow countrymen or an encroaching foe. 

 

It is the devastation of culture and civic function, a respite only occurring when the plundering force has tired itself out or exhausted the city of its fruits. The sack is a transfer of autonomy of an entire city, as noted by Greek philosopher Xenophon, who states that “It is a law established for all time among all men that when a city is taken in war, the persons and the property of the inhabitants belong to the captors.” And while most cities rebuild after some time, the psychological impact is nearly impossible to shake. More than the loss of material possessions, the hearts and minds of the ancient peasant were plundered. 

 

And thus the sack - formerly known as ‘dumping the quarterback’ - dubbed by Hall of Fame defensive end Deacon Jones when he compared it to the damage done to that of a sacked city, is an apt metaphor for the carnage wrought in football. The lost yardage can be rectified; the fear in the quarterback and the dramatic abandonment of the game plan cannot. And so Michigan, barely capable of fielding a field army with offensive capabilities, claimed a crucial victory on the basis of the sack.

 

It was a divisive game, in that some viewers watched with morbid entanglement, and others with nausea, based on whether or not you enjoy watching a one wheeled wagon carry three ton cinder blocks through a swamp (An activity often found in Midwestern college towns during fall.) Both defenses did play particularly well, but the pressure generated by Michigan gave Iowa’s offensive woes a more clear causation, where one is left to wonder if the Michigan offense was continuing their self destructive ways. But they began well enough; after Iowa fumbled on their first offensive play, Michigan grabbed a field goal, and then on a subsequent drive, used a beautiful bomb to WR Nico Collins to set up the game’s only touchdown. Poor offensive play left Michigan punting from their side of the field most of the day, and Iowa continually squeezed good yardage out of the returns. For most of the game, the Hawkeye offense seemed to be operating from the block M at midfield. But it was the unblockable ends that made this point moot. 

 

Iowa QB Nate Stanley is a gamey, gutsy player, who has shown plenty of ability to make high level throws and manage a game with good decisions. But when besieged and threatened with the sack, the psyche cannot be protected. Stanley threw his first three interceptions of the season, all past midfield. He was sacked eight times, barely escaped a few more, and harried on nearly every snap. The Iowa running game netted a total of one yard - and based on their attempts, came out to average about an inch per run - and the Michigan defense, decried and bemoaned for their surrender at Wisconsin, seemed to let off months worth of frustration. The defensive line was surging at every snap, linebackers swarming and jetting through untouched, defensive backs running the routes of their counterparts, swatting and swiping. It was a masterpiece of defense, and while Iowa made some mistakes that aided the effort, this game was a major rebound for Wolverines’ DC Don Brown, who used brilliant deception to generate pressure from every known angle. 

While Michigan missed two field goals after going up 10-0, they rarely were in scoring position. Iowa, however, had a number of chances. One drive that made it to the edge of the red zone ended with a punt on 4th and 38; the slew of holding calls showed more evidence of the existential fear of the Sackajewa. On their last gasp drive Stanley converted a crucial fourth and long, but a few plays later was wrangled back some 25 yards by Michigan lineback Khaleke Hudson, only barely able to flip the ball off to a back in desperation, but to no avail. Stanley hit some nice throws and repeatedly converted on 3rd and 15+ situations, but could not escape duress for more than a few plays in a row. And thus the game ended with nearly as many points as it did punts, which at the very least serves as consolation for Kirk Ferentz.

 

Time after time, a feckless Michigan offense surrendered the ball quickly, but their defense did not tire. In fact, it seemed to improve as the game went on. Stanley finished with some 260 yards passing, but they came scattered throughout the game in the rare instances he could let the route develop downfield. With two NFL offensive tackles, one has to wonder why the Hawkeyes were unable to keep Stanley upright. While the Michigan defense played their best game in years, Iowa had a number of line ID gaffes that made this worse than it had to be. The consolation is that the Iowa defense has proven itself as a near-elite unit, having held every team its faced under 17 points. Everything is still on the table for the Hawkeyes, but they have got to figure out how to pad Stanley’s explosive plays with consistent forward progress. The receivers made impressive plays but also had some brutal drops, and the running backs only had one play of note. Until then, they’re left to ponder the ruin between crumbling pillars of offensive linemen and the broken statue of Stanley.

 

For Michigan, the only good news out of this game is that the defense appears to have gotten their swagger back. They’ve never finished lower than the top 5 under Don Brown, and their early season woes won’t even stop that trend from continuing if they keep on playing like this. And while I don’t want to take credit from a Hawkeyes defense that played very well, their is a certain stench around Michigan’s offense that is hard to reconcile. They haven’t had this much talent on offense since the days of Carr - Denard Robinson rarely had help, mind you - and yet this team plays like Hoke is the OC. Shea Patterson’s pocket presence and inability to progress through reads is sending this unit down a dark path. He refuses to step up into the pocket, instead bailing out at the slightest hint of pressure(which instead results in him running into a sack). This takes his eyes off his receivers, and the ~20 odd yards he gains on scrambles per game is hardly worth the loss of hundreds of passing yards he misses out on by reading only one receiver before bailing on a play. His regression in all aspects from last year is deeply troubling, and goes beyond the implementation of a new offensive system. The read keeper, a play he did very well last year, remains a crucial part of the offense; except Patterson refuses to keep on plays where he would gain massive yardage, resulting in a spat of 3 yard runs as his backs slam into stacked boxes. Opposing defenses creep up, as he’s so averse to staying in the pocket that long routes can’t develop and safeties aren’t concerned about being beaten deep, compounding these issues. It’s hard to tell what role coaching - or the lack thereof - plays in this disturbing regression. Until it’s improved, Michigan will have to win games with transcendent defensive play. We already have four years of evidence for the ceiling of that type of team. With three top 10 teams left on the schedule, that may be optimistic.

 

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Plebius is ordered to re-shell oysters after a gala is cancelled due to the invasion of wild gophers in the Tuscan countryside. Hardly a novel indignity, Plebius is then asked to organize flour by granular size down to the micron. After three weeks Plebius mixes it back up to make breaded ‘Le meat de Beaver’, though it’s made much harder when a wolverine terrorizes the kitchen. Finally, Plebius is told to reanimate the corpse of a goat they slaughtered. Disillusioned with his lot in life, Plebius asks his master to red-tunic for the season. After being denied, Plebius enters the ‘disgruntled manservant portal.’ A local baron from Gaul summons him. After a tearful profession of love from his current master, Plebius decides to stay. They commemorate the event by getting Plebius a pet bear. It is eaten by a duck later that night. 

 

 

The situation at Rutgers goes beyond hilarity and into intrigue as a number of players, recognizing that the season has been lost as coach Chris Ash has been fired, have decided to redshirt for the year in order to preserve their eligibility. This, along with standout Houston QB D’eriq King’s decision to sit out - after a few losses eliminated Houston’s lofty goals - is enough evidence to assert a claim across the sport. Players are deciding to sit out when the season appears lost.

 

My, my. What are we to make of this? First and foremost, I am 1000% in support of player agency. These are kids. They have the right to choose when and where they play, and the Draconic limits enforced by the NCAA make most observers more inclined to support player empowerment. 

 

And yet, inside me, in the most selfish, narrow minded depths of my black soul, I cannot help but rue the occurrence. It is my bias, that I would never seek to project or see enforced upon the young men, but I cannot help but see players surrendering when things go awry. They are giving up on the season, and their teammates, if we were to take the most pessimistic view of things. Now, this does not make them quitters, and it does not reflect poorly on their character as human beings. But our rather quaint perception of football teams being an isolated entity which closes the ranks in the face of adversity and battles through whatever comes at them is an illusion shattered when players decide the season is lost after only four games. 

 

Is it out fault, for holding on to dated and somewhat self serving ideals of what amatuers should do in the face of criticism? That would be ironic, as I’m sure many of us have withdrawn from a class in college; should we have been forced to tough it out, to show our resolve and go down with the ship? And so practically speaking, we should not seek to impose any limitations on the young men. However, I would love to incentivize players to remain on their teams, playing out the season with their mates, perhaps even learning some schmoozy lessons about ‘never giving up…!’ along the way. 

 

As a 26 year old, I’m hardly qualified to formulate comprehensive opinions on the matter. My vision is clearly clouded by my love of the sport, and, uh, other things. But I know that if some of my mentors had allowed me to quit things when they were looking gloomy, I’d have missed out on some special moments. Are the situations similar? Maybe. Should the players be punished or judged for their decisions? Absolutely not. Is there an infantile admiration inside all of us that is upset when we see our favorite player for our favorite team call it quits when we, the fan, have season tickets to watch our team go 3-9? I think so. 

 

It’s important we don’t make character judgements on the kids for their decisions. But I don’t think we should completely abandon idealistic sentiments about mushy nonsense like ‘keep with it!’ and ‘never give up!’. I’ve never played college sports, and have never been subjected to the rigors of major college football, so my perspective is extremely uninformed; frankly, I have no idea what to make of these incidents, short of my position of unequivocal support for the players. What I can say though is that this issue goes hand in hand with compensation rights and eligibility rules, and know that this movement will spur change in the sports on some level, be it the redshirt rule, eligibility practices, transfer rights, or play into the larger compensation question. And if the end result is the improved treatment and agency of players, I think we can all rest easy in knowing more good came of it than bad.

 

And now, a brief expose on the art of the sack because GOD I LOVE SACKS. 

 

You know, the football kind.

 

 

There is a moment when the stillness makes mockery of the motion. Like an ancient relief on the side of a painterly vase, each player becomes a hero in his own snapshot. The offensive line are bent backwards, a snarl meeting halfway to a surprised cry, like elephants on their hindlegs. The defensive linemen crash ahead, an outstretched hand like Hades’ invitation reaching up to consume the besieged. And there! - He stands, like a marble statue glazed in the pale dapple of autumn sun, the quarterback! The target of frenzy and fascination, the meate’d scaffold closing ‘round him, the glint on his helmet like a celestial marker for the defender’s hellish design. It’s in this moment where all the world stops, where a thousand fates flit a’twixt gnashing pads and twisted elbow.  Will he escape as eel or topple like tower? Will he eject the ball as a catapult a flaming shot or reveal a plan in which he shows the pressure to be a foolhardy jaunt of the defender? The air in the pocket is heavy, thick. Those downfield hold their breath and await the judgement of the maw. Time relents and resumes. The sack, oh, the sack. When all the world closes in on you. The sack, oh, the sack. What else in the world be so certain as the sack.

 

*Friends show up at house. Ask to come in. Step over cat toys. See Andrew rocking back and forth in the #CommandCenter, apple juice dribbling down chin, numerous glass vases with odd attachments decorating tables.*

“Andrew, we would like to talk to you.”

“Wut.”
“There is more to life than college football, you know.”
“Oh?”

“Yes, and we’d like to help you.”

“You...you mean it?”

“Yes, dear. yes.”
“Great. Pepperoni with garlic crust. The 3:30 games are about to start.”

 

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Additive Factoids…

 

#7 Auburn - 13

#10 Florida - 24

 

Where the strategy of the ‘Big Gun Battleship’ dominated naval doctrine leading up to World War Two, aerial supremacy quickly established itself as the deciding factor in the Pacific theater’s most important battles. While the battleship had been able to project power onto land, now it was the aircraft carrier that could project power across hundreds of miles of ocean, and not simply within the rangefinders of 18’ cannon. Short a cradle in the clouds, Japan’s empire quickly collapsed to Allied air forces. 

Auburn may have missed the battle of Midway, because they’re only halfway to a complete offense. And where Auburn’s doctrine sees them dictate the ground game, it’s a lack of aerial supremacy that saw them sunk.

Bo Nix, Auburn’s flamboyant freshman QB, played his best game against Mississippi State a week ago, finally unleashing his tantalizing throwing talent on the hapless Bulldogs. But against a much more game Florida defense, Nix reverted to some of his early season accuracy mishaps, and to terrible effect. Finishing a humble 11-27 with three interceptions - each of them damning - the Florida defense was able to hone in on the Auburn run game and limit it to 132 yards, production which could be suitable for many teams but for Auburn, indicative of a failed gameplan. 

 

Auburn began the game with consecutive three and outs, an excitable Florida defense honing in on their tendencies. The Gators snapped in a touchdown on a good looking drive led by Florida backup QB Kyle Trask. On their next four possessions, Florida fumbled; Auburn only managed a couple of field goals, and returning the favor with the first of Nix’s interceptions. The Auburn defense made a number of nice stops, especially considering the utter inability of the offense to sustain a drive (Their longest of the half only went 32 yards). Despite the fumbles, the Gators went into half up 17-14. 

The first six drives of the second half ended in punts. (Kirk. Kirk please, I’m writing. No NO KIRK STOP U CANT DO THAT HERE NO KIRK *Garbled radio interference*.) Auburn had one legitimate drive as they threatened to take the lead, but a brutal goal line interception tipped the game. The defense lost their morale, despite recovering a subsequent fumble, because on the next drive, after one missed tackle, Florida scored on a 88 yard touchdown run. With Auburn's offensive futility, the lead was insurmountable.

 

I’ll eat some combination of eagle and crow, depending on your preference, as I’ve been a Gator doubter. When Felipe Franks was in the offense seemed spastic and Franks reminded me of a disgruntled former employee of a Magic: The Gathering store who couldn’t decide if he wanted his job back (k). With Trask, however, things have stabilized, even though his knee was anything but when he suffered an MCL strain midway through the game. We’ve got to give the kid props; he came back in and led his team to victory over an Auburn defense that is one of the best in the country. The Gators got to nearly 400 yards of offense - quite a feat against Auburn - and without the cavalcade of fumbles, probably could have gotten more. It simply wasn’t realistic to assume Auburn could compete when they mounted one drive over thirty yards on the afternoon. Nix and the boys survived the Oregon game with a bit of fortune and guts, but in the thick of SEC play, the option run game simply will not get it done unless a QB can threaten vertically. If this is the inconsistency of a freshmen, fine. But we’ve seen Nix consistently struggle with accuracy all but once this season. If he can’t hit 50% and limit himself to, say, 2 interceptions per 3 games, then Auburn is going to struggle against teams with good defensive lines. 

 

This is a big win for Florida, who chomped down on the criticism of being overrated and seemed to feed off it. Trask seems like an upgrade over Franks, even if the latter was a bit more dynamic, and Perine does just enough to help Trask open up the middle of the field. The Gators have got to cool it with the turnovers, and I’m not sure if they can escape unscathed from SEC play, but an encouraging win such as this gives Gator nation a legitimate reason to hope for a special season. 

 

In other words? Florida sunk Auburn’s battleship. 

 

#25 Michigan State - 10

#3 Ohio State - 34

While Julius Caesar is the most famous of the Roman emperors for his impeccable record, it was his successor, Augustus, who ushered in the age of Pax Romana, considered the high water mark for the Roman Empire. And while Augustus was a capable, respected leader, his success was largely built off the achievements of his predecessor.

 

In the Year of our Baal 2019, the Big Ten is cowed in the sheen of the Pax Buckeyeus. The departure of the famed Rural Kroger began a new Day in Columbus, and thus far, it portends to years of Scarlet dominion. Stepping into the controls of the ruthless machine built by Urban, new coach Ryan Day has shown a remarkable talent that belies his youth and relative inexperience. Simply put, the Buckeyes have an argument as the best team in the country, looking even better than they were in last year’s 13-1 Rose Bowl winning campaign.

 

Mark Dantonio, much like a warlord in Gaul, has a history of coming south and sacking Columbus, with some of his greatest victories coming at the expense of the Buckeyes. It was fair to expect a fight, but the fight hardly seemed fair. Michigan State made a valiant tussle of it early, employing a high gear assault on Buck’s QB Justin Fields in an intelligent attempt to subject him to pressure for the first time in his career. And in this first quarter, it worked well. OSU managed only a few dozen yards on offense. But the Spartans began what would be a game long trend of blowing opportunities to make a game of it.

 

The Spartans got a thunderous sack to start the game, receiving a punt with decent field position. On their second play, they fumbled. They kept Ohio State off the board again, courtesy of a missed field goal. They got the ball back, and on their second play, they fumbled. Despite having -9 yards of offense, the Buckeyes took a three point lead as the Spartans again stopped them, but this time the field goal was made. Punts were exchanged, MSU missing out on some crucial opportunities, and finally Ohio State found a seam in the Spartan armor, with WR Benjamin Victor running sixty yards through missed tackles to give OSU a 10-0 lead. 

The Spartans showed some real grit in quickly answering with a touchdown of their own, highlighted by some excellent passes by MSU QB Brian Lewerke. But Ryan Day only needed a few drives worth of data to adjust to the Spartans high risk style of defense; they would score every time they got the ball till halftime, centered around a massive 65 yard J.K Dobbins run, while the Spartans would only manage a field goal. That field goal was a poor consolation for a missed touchdown throw that would have given the Spartans a needed boost of morale heading into half.

 

It was needed, as MSU kicker Matt Coughlin missed another field goal to open the second half; the poor guy has missed 6 of his last 10 attempts. Things were on the brink as the Bucks took the ball down the field, but the Spartan defense used their ace as they picked of Justin Fields. Desperately needing a score to maintain contact, instead the Spartans only managed some 50 yards for the rest of the game. Ohio State would score again on a long drive to put the game out of reach.

 

Despite the lopsided score, Michigan State had ample opportunity to lay the foundation for some patented Mark Dantonio magic. But some crucial missed tackles that turned into touchdowns, a pair of missed throws and drops, and the missed field goal made their bid untenable. The precision with which Ohio State makes adjustments is terrifying, as they quickly found an offensive rhythm to counter MSU’s defensive gameplan and also eliminated the Spartan offense in the second half. A second quarter in which OSU scored 24 points illustrated the confidence the program had in first year coach Ryan Day, and that a coach this young can quickly diagnose and identify weaknesses in a wily Mark Dantonio’s scheme - who is usually the one outsmarting opposing coaches - spells doom for the B1G. 

 

While technically a ‘blowout’, some interesting implications arose. One is that a blueprint for slowing down the Buckeyes has been proffered; Fields must be pressured with a variety of mixed blitz looks, and linebacker play must be extremely disciplined, as a rushed quarterback generally will look to the first level to bail him out. It’s impressive that Michigan State didn’t seem totally outclassed, and there are a lot of versions of this game in which the final score is closer to 30-21, which should encourage the Spartans. The offense played well enough in the first half - despite blowing numerous chances - and the defense held on late to prevent a more embarrassing score. Lewerke was plagued by a few missed throws and drops, but continues to look confident and in command of the system, good for a few crucial first down scrambles a game. But it’s impossible to leave this game with any impression other than awe for the system that Ohio State has created. Their players simply have another gear, and the coaches have drastically improved various aspects of what was already a national powerhouse. Or, perhaps more appropriately, an empire.

 

#18 UCF - 24

Cincinnati - 27

“Here’s the thing with broken hearts. No matter how you try, the pieces never fit the way they did before.”

 

Oh, what love of mine, cordoned for one special feline, and perhaps at auction for the fairer sex. The broken heart befits a musician as myself, for without the soft pink nights of love a’blossom or the Black Knights of the spirit rot, music would be a language unto itself. And the heart, once broken, seems a dam undone. For before the broken heart certain feelings were only whispered in chorus or observed from afar in the poor bastard at the local dive. No aortic damage is more easily sustained than the cutting from those shattered pieces of love lost as one attempts to gather the pieces.

 

And woe be the Black Knights, much as the heart, that once subjected to a long withstood loss is now at its mercy once more. And a black night it is, unfairly so, that UCF must be subjected to relegation for succumbing to the inevitability of the sport; no love lasts forever, and no streak, good or bad, can outlast time.

 

After suffering their first regular season loss since the Obama administration to Pittsburgh a few weeks back, UCF had to deal with the reality of elimination from their lofty goals. Now, after losing to a respectable Cincinnati team in a tough Friday night road game, UCF’s litany of achievements will be written off as happenstance. Two losses for a G5 team that is better than a healthy portion of P5 teams removes all hope of a seat at the table. A freshman QB, who while showing absolute promise, and the absence of playmakers from years past have made UCF a very good team, just short of great, the requirement needed to overcome the inherent disadvantages of being a G5 team attempting to punch above their weight.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Cincinnati seized an effeminate vengeance after two years of being denied the top spot in the AAC by the gauntlets of the Black Knights. Using superb defensive plays, including a pick-6 to take the lead late in the game, Cincinnati held their ground in a back and forth affair to crown the preeminent G5 team. After losing 13 straight games to ranked teams, two additional red zone interceptions showed the Bearcat’s resolve. And while trying to run out the clock after UCF hit a 45 yard touchdown pass, Cincy coach Luke Fickell made the bold move to go for it on fourth and one, where many teams would play it safe and punt. Upon converting, Cincinnati scored its biggest win in years, while breaking UCF’s heart.

 

There is a certain dejection to be expected from UCF. Like a scorned suitor, they’ll have to pick up the pieces and attempt to court the P5 playoff committee from scratch. But the run certainly isn’t over. UCF can still win the AAC this year, and their victory over Auburn in yesteryears NY6 Bowl won’t soon be forgotten, even if only in the form of spite from the rest of the SEC. UCF is probably one of the best two loss teams in the country, and that’ll show as they’re apt to run the table from here. And after a limp showing in Columbus, Cincinnati has rebounded nicely, now in the driver's seat of the conference. Fickell has brought his defensive pedigree to full bearing, and while offensive play hasn’t exactly been elite, QB Desmond Ridder is more than adequate to compliment an excellent defensive unit. 

 

Shamelessly Relegated Data Points due to Varying Levels of Incompetence, Irrelevance, or Expectedness…

 

#6 Oklahoma struggled with Kansas early for the second straight year (LOL) before decimating them, 45-20. Jalen Hurts continues his heisman campaign, and none of the Sooners games have been remotely competitive. I’ll say it again; with the defense so improved, Oklahoma is at the highest tier of College Football. They look much better than the 6th ranked team in the country. They suffer the occasional gaffe in the secondary - like most teams - but they only needed a decent defense to compete with the Bama’s of the world. I cannot fathom a team could hold Oklahoma to under 30 points. And if the Sooners can continue last year's penchant for opportunistic turnovers, in addition to a vastly improved down-to-down execution and scheme, man, I’m just not sure how they lose.

 

#5 LSU crushed Utah State, 42-6. I thought US’s Jordan Love would be able to provide some more resistance in this one, as the Tiger defense has shown some uncharacteristic issues, but this was a total victory in which LSU QB Joe Burrow continues a remarkable renaissance, setting records and generally looking like an excellent modern quarterback, the one thing LSU had been lacking. 

 

#8 Wisconsin immolated Kent State, 48-0. That’s three shutouts on the year, and five games in, the Badgers have only allowed 33 points. Johnathon Taylor is still amazing. Sorry, Kent State, but you sound more like a posh department store in upper New York rather than a litmus test for a team competing for a B1G Ten Championship.

 

Texas Tech upset #21 Oklahoma State, 45-35. Defense, as it always is in the Big 12, was a problem for both teams. Both teams netted about 500 yards with minimal resistance. But 5 turnovers from Oklahoma State made this game unwinnable. In a shootout, a turnover usually means anywhere from 7-14 points, unlike in the Big Ten, where a turnover reminds of us a vegetable and reminds us that most Big Ten offenses are vegatative. OSU RB Chubba Hubbard once again put up numbers, grabbing 150+ yards with three touchdowns. But Raiders QB Jeff Duffey dropped 424 yards on an Oklahoma State defense that tired and was regularly put into sudden change situations, something they have struggled with all year. Tough loss, but OSU should be fine. They probably could have won without the party favors.

 

Maryland beat LOL.

 

#12 Penn State took down Purdue, 35-7. This is nearing rock bottom for the Jeff Brohm era, who was touted as a program savior and showed tremendous promise in his first few years at the helm. While injuries have decimated the Boilermakers - standout Rondale Moore and their prolific QB Elijah Sindelair, to say nothing of key defensive losses - the Boilermakers weren’t exactly playing well at full strength. I’m not really sure where this leaves Purdue. It’s not good, however, and unless their defense improves from abysmal Rutgers levels, then they won’t have a shot in a league where weather dictates bad offensive days. Meanwhile, I think we need to gather around the dinner table and have a talk about Sean Clifford. Like, guys, he’s good. His name made me think he was the host for Blue’ Clues or something, but guys, he’s like, the second best QB in the league, or at least has the argument for it. An expected Penn State regression has yet to occur; the defense is playing better than they were last year, and Clifford brings an excellent pro style stability to a unit that is complimented by explosive backs. People have ignored the Nittany Lions; if they survive Iowa next week, I don’t think it’ll be possible anymore.

 

#11 Texas briefly struggled with West Virginia, but pulled away for a 42-31 win. Four interceptions from West Virginia tanked the effort, because for large segments of this game, the Mountaineers were right there. And that’s really impressive, because the consensus was that West Virginia was going to be more Rutgers than Texas this year OH MY GOD IMAGINE TWO RUTGERS SOMEBODY HELP ME. The Longhorns are still showing some issues on defense - most notably, lacking discipline and unsound assignments in the secondary - which has gone from trend to habit under coach Tom Herman. They’re going to be very reliant on turnovers to win shootouts, which leaves a lot to chance. While Elingher and his receivers are some of the nations most talented teammates, I worry how Texas will deal with an Oklahoma team that will relentlessly attack their secondary. The bare minimum Texas can do it sell out to stop the run - because the drop 8 zone looks are not working - and hope for the best on the back end, while banking on Elingher to lead time consuming drives. Horns...steady after this win.

 

Minnesota finally won a game that didn’t feel like providential intervention, taking down Illinois 40-17. The Illini lost their starting QB for the afternoon but it probably wouldn’t have mattered. Another awful defensive showing for the Illini played right in the Gophers paws, and they had their way with a balanced attack. Minnesota QB Tanner Morgan continues to surprise us with his play, and the Gophers are really putting together a nice year.

 

 

 

Virginia Tech took down Miami, 42-35, in one of the most WTF games of the year. For starters, the game ended and the broadcast cut off. But then somehow, Miami convinced the refs that there was a second left on the clock; so then they ran a terrible play and officially lost. The Hokies went up 21-0 early in Coral Gables - remember, the Hokies are reeling - before Miami scruffled their way back. Cane’s QB Nikosi Perry continues to impress, logging 400+ yards, but it’s not translating to wins. At 2-3 the Manny Diaz experiment is about to become a tropical system worthy of a name. Nice rebound win for Tech that shows Fuente hasn’t lost his team...yet.

 

Nebraska beat Northwestern, 13-10, in an abomination of human history. And yet we loved it, did we not? ARE WE NOT ENTERTAINED? *Throws bottle of apple juice at the table of nearby aristocrats* I don’t know what you want from me. Both teams pooped. A lot. At least Nebraska can say Adrian Martinez was lost to injury for much of the game. Northwestern doesn’t actually have a quarterback, so they have no such excuse. Poor Mildcats; the defense is more than adequate, stingy even, but their offense is so putrid that even Kirk Ferentzs’ eyelid twitches. (Ok guys that’s my last Kirkie reference of the day I’m sorry). But they gave up a game ending, walk off field goal drive to Nebrskas back up, so I’m not sure how pleased we can be with the Mildcats defense today. Just, ugh. I’m not usually this lazy with my reviews, but this weekend was full of skid marks like this, and I just don’t have it in me to try and justify why I actually like these games and everyone else is reasonable and hates them.

 

Arizona beat Colorado, 35-30. Wildcats QB Khalil Tate is one of the most talented players in the country, but has been sidelined for way too long, be it by injuries or poor scheme. He finally came back and played up to his billing, logging 400+ passing yards and taking down a nice Colorado team. Arizona has played great since an odd opening season loss at Hawaii, and are upending expectations of a sinking program. Tough loss for Colorado, but I’m still, uh, high on the Buffs. Montez is an excellent player and Mel Tucker has the program pointed in the right direction. Good to see a pair of PAC-12 teams on the upswing.

 

#3 Georgia took down Tennessee, 43-14. The Volunteers benched their starter and were rewarded with a hot start by QB Brent Maurer, and though Tennessee wasn’t able to get stops, they were able to score a few times early and make things interesting. But as the game wore on and Dawgs QB Jake Fromm continually converted third downs, Tennessee wore down. At least they showed some fight early, but unfortunately, the final score doesn’t exactly scream moral victory.

 

#21 SMU erased a 21 point fourth quarter deficit to beat Tulsa in triple overtime, 43-37. SMU is easily one of the years biggest surprised; they showed flashes last year but have really put it together with an aggressive if undersized defensive and a dynamic offense. Really impressed with how the ‘Stangs have put themselves into AAC title contention. They’ll have to take down UCF at some point, and difficult games still loom, but already this is shaping up to be the best season in a generation for SMU.

#13 Oregon took down Cal, 17-7, in a game that was close throughout and dominated by defense. Oddly enough, Ducks coach Mario Cristobal is producing a Ducks team better known for their defense than offense - they’re a top ranked unit this year - but Cal had real problems scoring even before their starting QB went down for the year with injury. Ducks QB Justin Herbert has been oddly muted this year after somewhat mysteriously turning down the draft last year. The Oregon run game is a bit too variable, and his receivers haven’t had the patented YAC Oregon usually uses to explode. An early interception from Herbert - his first of the year - set Cal up to take a 7-0 lead into half, aided by a pair of red zone turnovers from Oregon. But in the third quarter the Cal defense finally cracked and Oregon scored a touchdown and a field goal, which is all they’d need. It's disconcerting to see an Oregon team that uses defense to win; this was the first touchdown they’ve allowed in four games, which is remarkable. I haven’t seen enough of their games to pinpoint why the offense is struggling, and it’s made even more odd by the fact that they have an NFL signal caller. Cal has a great defense, but after getting as high as #15 in the polls a few weeks ago, have lost two straight, with offensive inability at the forefront. If Cal can get even a serviceable offensive gameplan - which will be tough without their starting QB, I expect the Bears can have a pretty special season, even still. They’ve built a wonderful foundation of team defense.

 

Stanford upset #15 Washington, 23-13, in a very bizarre outcome. Stanford has been a sore disappointment this year. They’re typically one of the most solid teams, year in and year out, but have done nothing of note besides demolish the tenets of football in an opening season win over Northwestern. Thus, it was easy to write them off and assume a Washington team that has appeared to bounce back from their funky home loss to Cal was back on track after beating USC last week and generally looking back to form. But their elite secondary was abused by Stanford QB David Mills to the tune of some ~290 yards. Oddly enough, for as good as Washington’s secondary is, they have a major YAC gaffe per game, this time a 45 yard catch and run by Cardinal WR Simi Fehoko. Washington's run defense, typically a strength, was again punished to the tune of 150 yards from Cameron Scarlett. The Cardinal racked up nearly 500 yards - which is equally impressive and dismaying, as Stanford has been pretty bad on offense this year - and while not all those yards turned into points, a discombobulated Husky QB Jacob Eason wasn’t able to sustain drives. After a great opening scoring drive, Eason completed less than 40% of his passes and generally wasn’t sharp. Compounding this, Washington barely used their bellcow back, Salvon Ahmed. It’s an odd outcome for both teams, who have generally avoided the WTF’ness of the PAC by being pretty consistent in years past. Washington has to be very disappointed, as they seemed to have reloaded after last years successful Rose Bowl season, but instead have suffered 2 PAC losses already; they’re still in the hunt, but inconsistent play from both sides of the ball does not bode well for their ability to compete in the conference, let alone nationally. Stanford, meanwhile, saves their season from the brink. They’ve got to build on this and make a little run, here, and can’t drop another game to inferior opposition. It’s clear they played below their level for their first five games. But overall, this is the new PAC-12 we live in, boys and girls. Just nod, say WTF, and go about your business.

 

Obligatory Verne Lundquist 

 

 

 

AND WANTOOZABELLE SAINT HAMPSTERSHIRE WITH THE TACKLE.

 

….

 

Correction, Torey Smith, with the touchdown.

 

Orifice Extractions for Week 5…

 

Peasant Omniscience to date : 32-19

LIKE I’M EVER GOING TO PICK NORTHWESTERN AGAIN LOL

 

THIS WEEK IS STACKED BOYS. HOLD STEADY.

 

#6 Oklahoma - 38

#11 Texas - 35

 

Another classic Red River Shootout will see Texas storm back against a fourth quarter deficit but fall just short as the Sooners are able to convert late first downs with Hurts’ legs. Elingher will be a tough matchup for Oklahoma’s defense, as they haven't dealt with a physical player yet this year. But a few turnovers early build a lead for the Sooners that is just too much to overcome. Texas will grab a few nice stops, but it won’t be enough; Hurts goes for 300+ and the running game gets 150, with Hurts adding 70+ himself. Texas’ excellent receivers will have two 100+ yard players, and Elingher will add at least 70+ himself on the ground, but in a shootout, a few turnovers is all it takes to spell doom, and Oklahoma is just a damn good team.

 

Michigan State - 20

#8 Wisconsin - 21

 

A defensive slugfest sees the Badgers escape at home. I think Taylor is held under 100 yards for the first and last time this season, and the Spartans have a few nice 5+ minute drives. But the field goal woes continue and a Lewerke interception under duress turn this game. Jack Coan will have an efficient, if unremarkable day; his coaches won’t expose him to pressure and won’t ask him to do much. The Badgers will be content to pick and choose their scoring opportunities as their defense shuts down MSU’s lethargic rushing attack and makes Lewerke beat them. Darrel Stewart will have a great day and receive 120 yards of Lewerkes 260, but it won’t be enough as the run game barely cracks 60. 

 

#24 Texas A&M - 32

Alabama - 31

 

Sure, why the hell not. The Aggies have been fighting off mediocrity and Jimbo Fisher is due for a big win. I think he can scheme against the weaknesses of the Tide defense - youth and injuries at key positions - and A&M will sell out to pressure Tua. The results there will be mixed, but expect a few key gaffes from the Bama offense when they attempt to put this game away. The Aggies score late and hold on. 

 

#17 Iowa - 23

#10 Penn State - 21

 

I think Iowa is disappointed from their weak showing in Ann Arbor, and continue to play well on defense. Iowa QB Nate Stanley plays much better at home, and winning a night game at Kinnick is damn near impossible. A close, hotly contested match is sealed by a late Iowa field goal; they hold on with a defensive stop late. The PSU ground game won’t find much traction and this will be one of the first times PSU QB Sean Clifford faces real heat; he won’t do poorly, but he won’t do enough to win, just barely crossing 200 yards. 

 

#5 LSU - 36

#7 Florida - 23

 

I think Florida QB Kyle Trask has played admirably, but Death Valley is a whole ‘nother story. The LSU defense got back on track last week against a good Utah State team and will carry their momentum over, generally harassing Trask into his worst game to date; plus, he’s hobbled with an MCL issue. Florida will break a couple nice runs and take advantage of a turnover or two but Joe Burrow presents too many problems to the Florida secondary which wasn’t tested last week.

 

USC - 20

#9 Notre Dame - 33

 

USC makes a game of it early, but their offense shutdowns in the second half as Notre Dame continues to make excellent halftime adjustments. Ian Book book ends a mediocre middle two quarters with early and late scores with chunk yardage. The USC defense has shown issues against the run and they again pop up, with Notre Dame getting to 170 rushing yards on a late chunk that seals it. But expect a game at halftime, as USC wideouts are a handfull and will win more than one jump ball early.

 

#2 Clemson - 40

Florida State - 17

 

Clemson is pissed off and has been hearing for weeks that they’re overrated. If the NC game hadn’t happened, I’d consider a FSU upset. But the Seminoles won’t catch the Tigers unfocused today.

 

Washington State - 30

#18 Arizona State - 24

 

It can’t keep happening...can it? The Sun Devils refuse to win while ranked, and I think Washington State will escape their midseason lull with a nice upset win to right the ship. The Cougars defense is BAD but Arizona State is too self destructive on offense to take advantage.

 

#3 Georgia - 48

South Carolina - 17

 

Fromm goes for 350 and Will Muschamp continues marching to his grave. 

 

#13 Oregon - 32

Colorado - 19

 

The Oregon defense suffers a few lapses but overall is too much for the Buffs. Meanwhile, Justin Herbert takes advantage of a few turnovers and leads a balanced attack.

 

#16 Michigan - 27

Illinois - 10

 

This will be another limp showing from Michigan, though they will run the ball well on the feckless Illini defense. If backup Dylan McCaffery is healthy, expect him to get an extended look.

 

#20 Virginia - 23

Miami - 27

 

The ACC has been waiting its annual WTF game. I think the Miami defense randomly plays great and rattled a Virginia team prone to giving up pressure and turning the ball over.

 

Parting Thoughts:

 

It was kind of a quiet week, was it not? That’ll happen when the season is stretched over 14 weeks and each team has two bye weeks. BUT. This weekend will more than make up for it, and I expect batshit all around.

Is it Saturday yet?