!!!!! The format is screwy and my numerous strike throughs didn't work; if you see run on sentences or odd word placement know that it was probably meant to have a strikethrough. I would advise looking in its native format if you are interested.

https://peasanthandbook.com/2019/09/17/what-did-i-just-watch-3/

 

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What did I just watch?!?

-A BIG-centric recap of weekly happenings in the world of College Football

 

Week 3, 2019

 

 

Evolution not only applies to living things, but to the life of words. That’s how Charles Darwin’s mantra ‘Survival of the Fittest’ has evolved beyond its original meaning, suggesting that only the strongest persist. But Darwin’s actual words were ‘Survival of the best adapted’, which comes with shockingly different implications.

 

Week 3 of the 2019 College Football season was a frenetic, primal gasp for existence. Instead of watching top tiered teams jockey for position atop the food chain, we were treated to a case study on the desperation of how the 99% claw for survival. It was breathless, primitive, and chaotic, a mash of flawed creatures battering their lesser nature in hopes of securing a better future. Picking through clumps of fur and chipped blades, we assess the carnage. And those best adapted take one step closer to the top.

 

(Lacking a premier game this week, I will instead disperse a number of the best games into my middle length segments, but also include more than usual, as this wild weekend saw a number of games devolve into madness.)

 

#19 Michigan State - 7

Arizona State - 10

After two years of blooded, hopeless action, the Allies drew up plans for an offensive to break the German lines. The Somme offensive sought to take advantage of seemingly undermanned defenses along the German front, and the British hoped to achieve a breakthrough that may have proved decisive in the brackish, anchored throb of the First World War. 

Expectations for the offensive were high, with new technology deployed to make a crucial contribution and exhaustive planning meant to capitalize on any advantage. The Allies took gobs of land, seizing miles of German territory, massive gains that moved the front more than two years of battle had. And it was all for naught.

Despite advancing their lines and dealing serious damage, the Allies achieved none of their strategic goals. Their superior technology was underutilized and misplaced. The planners made a number of erroneous decisions and gave thoughtless directives. For all the yards they had gained, the Allies had nothing to show for it.

And so too did MSU coach Mark Dantonio fail to deploy his superior weaponry. Michigan State outgained Arizona State 2:1. The Spartan war room yielded fruitless scheme, their decisions mired and mucked in the fog of war, when two years games worth of data should have given their choice a more informed, stable platform. And one man too many was sent into the trenches in the battle’s deciding moment, much as the British lament the bloodiest days of their history. Now, the Spartans are shell shocked after suffering one of the most confounding defeats in Dantonio’s tenure.

It was a Sommenolent slog in the first half. The Spartans began the game well enough, with MSU QB Brian Lewerke and the offense showing more life than they had in week one, and the defense constricting the Sun Devils into near asphyxiation. Lewerke had good numbers for the second week in a row - finishing with 300+ total yards - and though the running game wasn’t explosive it did at least produce 100 yards, which has regrettably become a benchmark for the Spartans of late. But two missed field goals - from the usually reliable Matt Coughlin - meant that the Spartans would go into the half down 3-0.

Leading into the games final push were signs of woe to come. The Spartans had numerous drives stall out, and a failed fourth and one with their back-up running back wasted another opportunity. In nearly every facet, they dominated the game, but it didn’t show until the Spartans finally cashed in a touchdown drive with 8 minutes left on the back of promising RB Elijah Collins. And just as last year, it all fell apart when it should have come together. The moments of the game seem secondary to what it means.

The highly touted ASU freshman QB Jayden Daniels was feckless for most of the game, only engineering his team to about 100 yards of offense before the deciding drive. Needing only a stop to break the Sun Devils, the Spartans appeared to grab it when they recovered a strip-sack fumble. Instead, a penalty gave ASU a first down and they kept the ball; the relevance of the penalty’s impact on the play is open for debate. Then, a 40 yard gash took Arizona State as close as they had been all day. Still, the Spartans stiffened and ASU faced a fourth and 13. A disastrous day was rectified with one 15 yard scramble by Daniels. For the first time in 57 minutes, ASU was in the red zone.

Incompletions. Short, lurching runs. All of these damned plays were wiped out by another third and long scramble by Daniels, which brought them within the five yard line. Then ASU star running back Eno Benjamen, who was visibly frustrated by his inability to move the ball - he averaged a meager 3 YPC - stretched for the goal line to take the lead with under a minute remaining. 10-7. But in rousing fashion, and with the aid of a bemoaned pass interference call, Michigan State made their way down to ASU’s 24 yard line, giving them a likeable chance to send it into overtime. 

But it wasn’t enough.

Five yard penalty. Made field goal. Field goal wiped off because of another penalty, that of twelve men on the field. Missed field goal. Game over.

Dantonio knew his kicker was struggling. The Spartans had eleven seconds with a stopped clock to try and move the ball closer. But he chose to kick it. Why?

Because he didn’t trust his offensive line to protect Lewerke. He didn’t trust his senior QB to make a good decision. He didn’t trust his stable of wideouts to get out of bounds. The players know this stuff better than we do. And their dejection in the post-game talk was clear, and when time has distilled the misery of the loss, they’ll realize it fully. Dantonio has made a career out of trusting his players to pull off crazy shit; just look at the miraculous ‘Little Giants’ game winning fake field goal against Notre Dame, something he would have been excoriated for if his players hadn’t executed it properly. Now, the lack of trust stems from his inner doubt, furnished by his decisions in the off season to retain his offensive staff. Despite overwhelming evidence that new blood was needed, that change and improvement was a necessity, Dantonio trusted his guys, his gut. And in the heat of battle, that trust evaporated, overruling his offensive coordinator’s call for a final play to try and get the ball closer, and instead marching his troops out for an indecisive delay of game penalty.

We can hardly blame the kicker, Coughlin, for the miss. He made ‘ - the - ’ kick he had to make. But because Dantonio burned all his timeouts on Arizona State’s prior drive - so sure his defense would get the stop and he wouldn’t need them - the unit had to scramble and the deciding error cost them a shot at overtime. It’s hard to imagine a situation where MSU would have lost an extended game. They had twice as many yards as ASU. ASU’s final touchdown felt kind of flukey and was aided by MSU’s two biggest defensive lapses of the game. And those lapses are caused by an exhausted unit which understands it’s the teams only real chance at winning the game. Because they know they aren’t getting help from the offense, and certainly not the coaching.

When Herm Edwards was hired by Arizona State, it was mockery. Nobody took it seriously, and it seemed like a move to provide a floor for the programs perception, and not necessarily their success. And he’s made devils of us all. ASU seems to be headed to a respectable stasis, with good recruits and now decent results to back it up. In the flailing PAC-12, stability is all you really need. With a good defense and two stars in the backfield, Arizona State seems like a steady bet. They played poorly and beat ranked team on the road; in the spastic enviroment of College Football, that’s all you need to do.

-Some additional notes

 

• There is a metric for an estimated ‘Yards per point’ which basically looks at how many yards you average to get 1 point of offense. The average across College Football is about 7 yards per point. 20 YPP is bad. MSU was at 55 yards per point on Saturday.

• MSU’s scoring in their last five games against P5 Teams: 7, 6, 14, 6, 6. They’ve scored three touchdowns dating back to October of last year against similar competition.

• MSU is 110th in the country in penalties/penalty yards per game.

 

#13 Penn State - 17

Pittsburgh - 10

 

“He who wishes to fight must first count the cost.” 

-Sun Tzu

 

Pittsburg coach Pat Narduzzi, revealing his propensity for the Orient and its Art of War, certainly intended to fight. He just forgot to count, and he certainly wasn’t aware of the cost. 

 

Despite being the home of the Quakers, Pennsylvania is a noted battleground. Chief among the spats is the long running rivalry between the Nittany Beavers and the Pitt Panthers. Fueled by petty barbs like when PSU coach James Franklin compares Pitt to Akron (hilariously contradicted as Franklin boasted after the game at being 3-1 in the series) and given credence by a Pittsburgh upset a few years back, the 100th edition would be the bookend for the foreseeable future, providing ample motivation for both teams. But watching the teams, you wouldn’t think they gave a damn.

 

In more optimistic terms, the game was a defensive slugfest; but such language implies that offensive action was taken. Despite some significant plays - an 85 yard run for PSU’s Journey Brown, a 53 yard catch for the electrifying KJ Hamler - points were harder to come by then a holographic Weedle at private school(YES I ENDED UP GETTING ONE CALL ME LADIES). Penn State’s offensive line gave up surges of pressure, and while Narduzzi has chops as a defensive mind, that Penn State is still experiencing difficulties on the O-line this far into Franklin's tenure is concerning. Even still, the game was tied at half, thanks to a record breaking 57 yard field goal from Penn State in the final seconds.

 

An excellent third quarter drive led by PSU RB Noah Cain concluded the scoring on the afternoon. The Penn State defense, one of the countries most talented units, took control from there. Their imprint was most visible after Pitt mounted a drive to get to the 1 yard line. After three powerful stops from Penn State’s front seven, it was fourth and one, and Narduzzi made the now infamous decision to kick a field goal; Pitt was down by a touchdown, with only six minutes of game left. At that stage of the game, against that defense, your best off following the odds, which state that when teams go for it on fourth and goal from the 1, they score 70% of the time. Instead, in a rather sadistic but all-too-familiar #CollegeFootballMoment, the Pitt kicker missed the shorter-than-an-extra-point field goal. A final gasp saw the Panthers claw their way down to the 25 with only one play left. The ball bounced off the turf, and the Nittany Beavers held on for the win.

 

We’re seeing a bit of inconsistency from Penn State that the legendary Trace McSorley and Saquan Barkley were able to paper over. Now gone, QB Sean Clifford has shown a respectable ability to be an upper tier B1G QB, but the lack of a premier RB and questionable offensive line play has the Nittany Beaver offense going in spurts. Their defense also seems to take time off, on occasion, something that can’t continue in conference play (ACTUALLY IT CAN BECAUSE THE BIG TEN SUCKS AT OFFENSE APPARENTLY). This is still a nice win for Benny Franklin and the Beavs - say that in ‘Benny and the Jets’ cadence, plz (CALL ME HOLLYWOOD) - and it secures the Pennsylvanian crown for some time to come.

 

Before the game, Narduzzi was asked about the conclusion of the rivalry after this year's edition. He joked that he could be in a coffin the next time they play. But nobody expected him to kick it like this. *Cat gives a dour look* The Pitt defense has taken on the personality of Narduzzi; stingy, stubborn, and prone to big gaffes. The offense continues to struggle. At 1-2, Pitt seems stuck in neutral. Something is going to need to KICK start this engine to escape another 7-8 win season of mediocrity, which may as well be a badge of shame in the listless ACC. 

 

Franklin...Franklin….Franklin….FRANKLIN FRANKLIN FRANKLIN AND THE BEAVS.

 

 

#24 USC - 27

BYU - 30

New York, 1817. Joseph Smith, in the midst of the ‘#SecondGreatAwakening’ - of course, the FIRST Great Awakening was just a false alarm - has a vision. He sees ‘Two Personages’. No, it’s not Tim Tebow being cradled in Downton Abbey by Uncle Verne. It is instead the tow-headed apparition of Maciah, Talbott, Ronan, Kyson two nameless BYU players in the mid aughts of the Golden Age of Sin, also known as the 20Teens. It’s a stone faced standoff, rhubarb stains on their frocks, a disappointed father and three mother’s ashen faced in the distance, standing next to the family unicycle. This is the polarity of the BYU football team.

 

That BYU, with a *limited* pool of recruits and lacking the support of a conference, can so consistently compete with talented teams is a testament to FAITH AND GRACE  the unusual staying power of the program. BYU coach Kilane Sitake deserves tremendous credit, as do his resilient players, but BYU has been doing this for longer than Sitake has been around. Last year, BYU upset a top-10 Wisconsin in Madison. In 2016, they beat both the MSU’s in consecutive weeks, the year prior beating both Nebraska and Boise State. But as the devil resides in all of us, so too does BYU have their demons; despite beating really good teams, they also lose to terrible teams regularly. 

*Considers another joke about faith.*

*Guesses somebody is already offended*

*Decides not to say joke*

Please file grievances to the office of EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER, LLC. 

 

  A shimmer in the air can tell a viewer than an instant classic is about to unfold, and anyone watching this game knew it was going to be an absolute banger. The Trojans were revitalized with a big win over #23 Stanford last week - don’t look too closely at that now, though - and are staving off hot seat talk for their embattled coach Clay Helton. But their season seems destined for a variance in line with Cali’s beachside topography.

 

USC QB Kedon Slovis, starting only his second game in relief of the incumbent JT Daniels - lost for the season - kept the hot hand alive, surging the Trojans for a touchdown on the opening drive. But the glorious BYU QB Zach Wilson - WHO IS NICKNAMED ‘THE MORMON MANZEL’ GOD I LOVE CFB - quickly answered, and after exchanging a few more volleys, the teams went into half tied at 17.

 

Both defenses began to assert themselves. USC stopped BYU on a fourth down in the red zone, and the Cougars were beginning to expose Slovis as the freshmen he is, grabbing two interceptions and clogging the throwing lanes. The teams exchanged leads deep into the fourth quarter, until a late BYU touchdown seemed to seal the deal; but the Trojans managed to kick a somewhat miraculous game-tying 52 yard field goal as time expired to send it into overtime.

 

The USC defense, despite giving up a season high 430+ yards, did well to hold BYU to a field goal in the first frame. USC looked poised to answer, but Slovis’ pass into the middle of the field met the hand of God, fluttered in the air, and went into the waiting arms of a BYU linebacker. It was his third interception of the day, and this is a game the kid will learn a lot from. I nearly threw up laughing when the stadium announcer begged the fans not to rush the field, but those rascals are such rebels, he should have known he never had a chance. (And it was a relatively civil affair.) The Cougars celebrate their second overtime win against a blueblood in as many weeks.

 

Despite the optics of an ‘upset’, this is exactly the trajectory the Peasant Handbook predicted for both teams, so our okra harvest won’t be upset by any rabble raising. USC is going to show their talent when they feel like it, and BYU is going to randomly play like the Alabama Patriots in the early season, taking advantage of a stretch of QB’s who are oddly good(Seven September wins against ranked teams/Blue Bloods/P5’s since 2015 - more than a smattering of P5 teams). The hope here is that BYU can sustain their success, as they almost always begin to lose unconscionable games as the season wears on; depth is traditionally an issue in key positions for a school with a limited recruiting pool. And one has to wonder if USC can sustain a loss like this. Every week it feels as if the program is on the chopping block, and I don’t envy the pressure the kids are feeling. USC fired their athletic director earlier in the week - of course setting up the firing of coach Clay Helton - and nothing brings losing like a dead man walking. Not that BYU would ever admit such a thing could happen.

 

Regardless, the St. Julians was flowing in Provost on Saturday. 

 

 

#19 Iowa - 18

Iowa State - 17

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, we did it.

 

Coaching Iowa has been one of the distinct pleasures of my life. Long have I sought to play football the right way. Long have I toiled in the wisping fields of corn to bring about a new order. And after 21 years, I have done it. My years of planning have come to frution vegetablition.

 

I have conducted a game winning punt.

 

-Love, Kirkie

 

 

In the aftermath of El Assico, an annual shit-fest in the guise of football between Iowa and Iowa State, Kirk Ferent was reported to have gone home to a tearful wife and blushing children. The Ferentz household revealed what newschoppers had long suspected was a shrine of sorts, an enormous complex in his backyard. Indeed, it was revealed as the Temple of the Punt. The next morning, a rather worrisome manifesto was released from the Ferentz compound, now covered in flickering christmas lights and tattered banners. I’ve sifted through the muck to present the thesis.

 

“...And should we be the constituents of fear, puntless, converting fourth downs? Drive back the tremor’d hand of analytics and common sense, I say! Drive back on the field of play that your punter may not touchback! And by the will of the people let no touchdown intoxicate your desires, when the noble field goal stands steadfast under the Hawks wing of the Punt! Oh, the punt! Oh, what punt of mine! Be it not ours? From Rutgers to Northwestern, no man be denied the punt! No man … “garbled scruffling” and let slip the punts of war!”

 

As an acolyte of the B1G, I have to say I’m glad the Kirkstefer finally achieved actualized gratification. The best things are always worth fighting for, guys. Remember dat.

 

And a fight it was between Iowa and Iowa State, though its staggering cadence would have you believe it lacked tension. Two seperate hour long weather delays split the game into sections, each more appalling than the last. And, you know? These are some of the best games of the year. God Baal save us. 

 

It seems as if the lower ranked team always wins, and these contests are so hotly contested that it’s hard to believe that Iowa now has won five straight against the Cyclones. The early stages of the contest are better left untouched, aside from a tip of the straw hat to Iowa State for converting two huge touchdown throws. Iowa QB Nate Stanley, an excellent if inconsistent player who faces a bushel of criticism for his inability to perform on the road, led the Hawks to a 15-14 lead at the start of the fourth quarter. ISU QB, Brock Purdy - who used to be a linebacker, before leading ISU to an upset against #5 Oklahoma in 2017 as the third string and seizing the job - led the Cyclones down for a field goal. Much to Ferentz’s delight, Iowa failed to grab a touchdown but did regain the lead with a field goal, going up 18-17 in the final minutes. 

 

A wild drive saw Iowa State facing fourth and 13; a pass interference was called, which would have put ISU near field goal range. But it was offset by a holding, and the Cyclones couldn’t convert after the setback. Still, their defense held Iowa and forced a lovely punt; in classic ‘I”M A CONSERVATIVE PUNTSMAN WITH CLOCK MANAGEMENT ISSUES ANONYMOUS” fashion, Iowa bungled a possession they could have used to run out the clock. Iowa State would have about one minute to drive ~40 yards for a shot at a walk-off field goal.

 

But the only shot they took was at themselves. And then Kirkie’s dreams came true.

 

 An Iowa State player inexplicably trucked his own punt returner - in one of the days biggest hits - and two two tumbled down as if they’d been thrown in a windstorm. The ball careened off their hapless clump and Iowa made Kirk Ferentz the begotten son of Joseph Smith(more on him later HOSANA). That El Assico ended with the same chaos it engendered is no surprise.

 

Iowa has got to be thrilled with their win. Not only are bizarre circumstances more difficult to withstand on the road, but Nate Stanley finally put together a winning performance in a big road game, something which has kept Iowa from serious contention in recent years. The defense, while dealing with some injuries, held at the most important points of the game, and dat punt game strong. This should give the Hawkeyes some confidence heading into a division with only one proven contender, and they have stars on both sides of the ball; Iowa is poised to make a real run, here. Iowa State, meanwhile, has to suffer an unfortunate setback, but this is par for the course for them. They play to the level of their competition and worship 8-5 type records. Expect them to beat Oklahoma or Texas and also lose multiple games against absolute #meatsax. 

 

I only break it out a few times a year - typically reserved for Northwestern and whatnot - but this game deserves the first 2019 Fractal WTF Rhombus of the Year! Congrats, Iowans!

 

W       T     F

T        T  

F                     F

#9 Florida - 29 

Kentucky - 21

 

We should all be so grateful Kentucky loses to Florida with such regularity. Today’s fun fact; Kentucky bourbon was only made famous as dejected Wildcat’s turned to spirits to cope. Were it not for Florida’s abuse, America’s drinkers would be choking down Idaho potato scotch.

(Citation needed)

 

The only thing worse than losing to a team 31 times in a row is losing to a despised rival in gut wrenching, jaw gnashing, tear jerking fashion 31 times in a row. It’s been a brutal stretch for the ‘Cats, but Kentucky coach Mark Stoops has turned the program around with admirable vigor, leading a strong campaign last year and generally resuscitating the program. The kiss of life was their 27-16 defeat of Florida in the Swamp last year, breaking the streak in a moment of cathartic bliss.

 

But old habits die hard.

 

Both quarterbacks were dealing in the first half, combining to go 20/25 for nearly 300 yards. Taking a 14-7 lead into half, the Wildcats confidence was brimming, as their general control of the game affirmed that last year was no fluke and that some level of parity was dawning. Oh. Oh dear.

 

Jump to late in the third quarter. Down 21-10, Florida QB Felipie Franks suffered a gruesome crack of his ankle, summarily carted off in tears. In a raucous environment, Florida back up QB - a 2 star who hasn’t started a game since middle school - Kyle Trask entered the game to face a Kentucky defense that had been in control all night. And Kentucky… well, we can never criticize them for being disingenuous.

 

Florida rattled off 12 unanswered points to take a 22-21 lead, aided by crucial penalties and some excellent throws by Trask. Kentucky failed to move the ball effectively, but with only a minute left had set up for what would have been a game winning field goal, a kick of about 30 yards. And who do they trot out there, to seal the new era of a lopsided rivalry?

 

Chance Poor. The kid’s name is Chance Poor. You just can’t make this shit up.

 

The chance was actually good, at that distance. But he missed it wide right, just barely missing the pole. Almost immediately we could see him washed up by tears, and he barely fended off a full breakdown. You gotta feel awful for the kid, as he’s a solid kicker and it was a very makeable kick. Florida knifed down for a ~70 yard touchdown run in the final seconds, and though going down was the smarter play, Florida sealed the victory.  

 

It’s a miserable way to lose. But Kentucky, so long the doormat of the SEC, has been trending up. They lost their starting QB early in the season, had three-four excellent players - including Benny Snell Jr, who briefly got Heisman whispers early last year - move on for graduation, and still took a top 10 team to the wire. Florida keeps finding ways to win, but it’s not going to keep on. Trask did well in his first start, but the offense is too inconsistent to keep up with the heavyweights of the SEC. Their defensive line provides encompassing penetration with regularity, but is prone to giving up long runs as their discipline wavers in their aggression. Florida - kind of like another Big Ten team in the top 10 - are enjoying inflated preseason expectations, without necessarily looking the part. And yet they are 3-0. Enjoy it while it lasts, Gators. 

 

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Plebius is re-yoking eggs when a Legate drops by the estate. His master snaps twice and Plebius comes running. The Legate must be entertained before business commences. Plebius begins the Prole Step. It entails placing a bucket on his head while the two throw crabs at him. Next, they have him dress as a Trojan as a cougar chews on his fingers. Finally, a gopher encrusted in gold is loosed on him. But it rolls over and dies. 

 

Plebius listens intently as mops the doors. It sounds as if the Visigoth raiders are ravaging the countryside, picking off minor nobles in their estate. A particular fearsome barbarian general known as the Devil of the Sun has taken residence in the estate of an expatriate from Sparta. Apparently the Spartan estate had more men but accidentally released their tar-and-feather-ready-pak’s onto themselves. An Owl swarm was released on the Marylandus, a relatively new family whose extravagant riches were rumored to be fools gold. The suburbs barely held, but Plebius hears that the Coastal States are now a desolate wasteland. Plebius takes solace knowing that he will no longer have to count sand before master decides to go to the beach.

 

The Big Ten nearly had a disastrous Saturday, and considering that they were expected to emerge nearly unscathed, still don’t look good. Penn State did win their rivalry game, but were expected to pummel Pitt at home; they needed a health dose of WTF R U DOING PITT to win that one. Maryland fell once again to Temple, completely reversing all the hype which had them looking nearly unstoppable in the first two weeks. Michigan State has improved by exactly 0 units in the off season, which appears to cap them at mediocrity. Illinois lost to Eastern Michigan, who now has 3 straight seasons with a win over a Big Ten team - which is better than some teams in the league(THEY WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED). Iowa barely hung on for a win, but they didn’t exactly look great; we can forgive that, as it was a funky game, Iowa State is solid, and El Assico is always batshit. And after all the mania surrounding Rural K-Mart departing the B1G, we’re exactly where we were last year; Ohio State is obviously the best team in the league, and it’s not even close. Things looked so promising in the off season for the league.  The only solace now is that we’re not the ACC. (Oh, and Rutgers didn’t play this week.)

 

The ACC is the worst P5 conference in recent memory. Some claims could be made that the AAC, a G5 scramboozle of who-dats, is better. The Miami offensive linemen appear to be in a Hurricane at every snap. Louisville is still recovering from Bobby Petrino driving them off a cliff on a motorcycle. Georgia Tech just lost to an FCS team and will need at least 2 years before they’re in contention for mediocrity. Pitt did that thing we discussed, and generally refuses to score. Florida State is a year or two away from starting another rebuild, in that damned space where they know it’s all gone to hell but they’re hoping for a miracle that won’t come. Syracuse has fallen off a cliff after so much promise last year. Boston College, a team which is usually sound and solid and plays an enjoyably disciplined style, just gave Kansas their first road win since 2006. Virginia Tech needed a fourth quarter comeback to beat Furman, which sounds like a shipyard for tugboats. Virginia and North Carolina can have some optimism, but their version of an ideal season would top out at somewhere around 9-3. 

 

How does this happen, we ask? While we can see that they have one built in loss every year - to Clemson - it should still allow at least one, maybe two other teams to put together a solid season and make a push for a NY6 bowl, or at least pretend to threaten Clemson. The state of Florida has generally been on a bad streak, and in recent years that UCF has been the states best team is indicative of this. Miami and FSU, two bluebloods who usually carry the weight of the conference, have been trashed by bad coaching hires. Honestly, it should be a relief for those two teams to know that the problems don’t run much deeper than that. Virginia Tech is on the comedown from the Frank Beamer era, and had a strange toxicity in the culture last year that new coach Justin Fuente struggled with. Along with Louisville, that’s four of the conferences best teams with coaching drama at cause for the leagues dismal perception. And while it's easy to make coaching the whipping boy a la Plebius, it’s the only noticeable variable; that it’s a league wide epidemic is unusual. It could take as long as 5-10 years for the league to recover, if they properly lay the foundations for rebuilds, but in a world where the gulf between the got-its and dont-got-its grows wider every year, the health of the league is a serious concern. And while the results may make them want to stick their head in the sand, they should instead figure out why they’re taking on so much water. 

 

Shamelessly Relegated Data Points due to Varying Levels of Incompetence, Irrelevance, or Expectedness…
 

Bye Week defeated Rutgers, 44-6. Rutgers began the day well enough, being awarded a 6-point penalty for an invisibility infraction called on Bye Week, but it all went downhill when a swarm of moths fluttered around the south endzone. 

 

Temple beat #21 Maryland, 20-17. I considered making this a feature piece but I’m not sure anyone is terribly surprised by this result. This is exactly in line with September Maryland, and a regression from their unsustainable demolitions was inevitable, because not even Alabama does that week in and week out. Maryland needs to find somewhere in the middle, because they can be a really nice team. But for all they did well in the first two games, they botched here. They began the game going 0-10 on third downs, QB Josh Jackson had the worst game of his career - completing under 40% of his passes and looking finicky in the pocket - and only had two first downs in the first half. Though they lost an offensive lineman early, their inability to power over a physically inferior Temple front - only 79 rushing yards - spelled their doom; Maryland was stopped at the goal line and in the red zone twice, and were 1-5 on fourth downs on the day; compounded by poor special teams play, Maryland looked frustratingly similar to last years rendition, a team unable to unlock its potential. They should still make a bowl game, as they have a fair number of #meatsax left on the schedule, and the B1G doesn’t exactly look great. But watching Maryland revert to a pattern that has mired them in the hellscape of 5-7 isn’t encouraging 3 games into a new regime.

 

TCU crushed Purdue in West Lafayette, 34-13. Purdue began the game well, having a chance to go up 10-0, but an early turnover and a failure to capitalize on field position seemed to demoralize them early. As the game went on the defensive gaffed began to pile up, with the Purdue secondary giving up some inexplicable plays, just like last year. It goes to show how important QB Elijah Sindelair is to this team, and his absence seemed to erode the resolve of a team that failed to take advantage of early opportunity. It's a disheartening theme for the Boilermakers, who have had so much hope in the past few years. Coach Jeff Brohm generally seems to have an offensive game plan down pat, but the defense is unable to consistently compete at a high level. Most worrisome, though, is that Purdue lacks resilience and resolve. When they come out hot and move the ball on offense, they’re a match for anyone. But as we’ve seen in multiple games - most notably their execution at the hands of Auburn in their bowl last year - they check out when things go south. Brohm has got to figure that out.

 

#25 Virginia toppled Florida State in a thrilling finish, 31-24. Virginia has been lurking on the peripheral for a few years now, with coach Bronco Mendnehall taking the REINS *AHEM* to high expectations. And while a win against this rendition of FSU doesn’t mean too much - I still like the field storming - the flaccid state of the ACC gives Virginia a golden opportunity to reach double digit wins and a handsome bowl. It’ll be hard to tell how good they are; I really like Bryce Perkins, the dual threat QB, and their defense - despite giving up nearly 60 yards of penalties on FSU’s last gasp drive - is generally steady. FSU started the game well, their defense only giving up 200 yards en route to a 24-17 fourth quarter lead. With only minutes left, Virginia led two powerful touchdown drives to take a 31-24 lead. FSU went down the field in the last seconds - well, they were led down the field by endless penalties - but fell inches short of the goal line as time expires. It’s a gut wrenching loss for FSU; for a third consecutive week, they’ve surrendered a 7+ point fourth quarter lead. It’s damning, but it’s also an indication that they should be getting more wins. Sorry, Noles, but a bowl isn’t looking likely. But Virginia will have a golden-domers opportunity when they travel to Notre Dame, and short of that, they’ve got to win their division and set up a match up with Clemson in the ACC title game. It probably won’t go well, but the Cavaliers are really the only other ACC team with an upward trajectory in the early season.

 

Eastern Michigan beat Illinois, 34-31. I don’t really want to talk about this, but, whatevs. Lovie Smith was hired a few years back - remember, he took the Bears to a Super Bowl - but his tenure has been more a reminder that success in the pros does not necessarily mean success in College (the inverse is true as well, if we want a reason to criticize Saban.) Illinois reminds me of a sad muskrat living near a dried up river. Michigan transfer Brandon Peters has given them their best QB in years, and they’re still unable to hold the fort against MAC teams. The Illini showed a figment of promise last year, as they had one of the best rushing attacks in the league. But this game sucked, and I have nothing positive to say. Eastern had almost 500 yards. Just...ugh. A B1G team should never lose to a MAC team.

 

Ohio State decimated Indiana, 51-10. It’s hard to bring myself to analyze blow outs like this. This game only stayed close in the first quarter by virtue of the score starting 0-0. Justin Fields didn’t put up crazy numbers, which may be the only thing worth analyzing here; he’s really good, but he’s not Dwayne Haskins. The defense has improved vastly, which probably equalizes things, and the offensive line seems to have made strides; 300+ rushing yards is a good sign for the Bucks, when last year had some struggles. Indiana usually brings their scramboozlery in these games, but today wasn’t the day. 3-17 on third downs meant quick possessions, which meant OSU getting the ball repeatedly, which meant a 30-10 halftime lead for the Bucks. I want to watch what happens when a defense brings the heat to Fields; I suspect the Bucks will have a weird game soon, but with the B1G looking so scruffly, that probably just means they win by less than 40.

 

As discussed below, The Citadel beat Georgia Tech in overtime, 27-24. Yikes a rooni. See below for details, as I really am not feeling sadistic and feel no reason to expound.

 

Air Force beat Colorado, 30-23. It’s a disappointing development that saps a lot of goodwill from the Buffs exciting start to the season, most notably their ‘upset’ of Nebraska in what will remain one of the year's best games. But it’s not shocking; Air Force is capable of this type of nonsense, and the kids were coming down from a big win. This is honestly a great test for first year coach Mel Tucker; last year’s Colorado team ended the season with a six game losing streak. If Brooks can right the ship and get the Buffs to a bowl, he’ll prove a lot more than beating Air Force would have. We’re going to keep an eye on the Buffs, but we may not hear from them again this year.

 

#7 Notre Dame did things to New Mexico State, 66-14. Giyz I dnt hve mch to say, k? Notre Dame looked great, New Mexico State sucks, and yea. Let’s check back next week.

 

Northwestern eventually put away UNLV, 30-14, in a reprehensible contest true to Wildcats September football. The problem for the Cats is that it looks like their streak of above average QB play has come to an end. They simply haven’t gotten good play out of that position on the year, and despite having a really nice defense, they’re lacking impact players on the offensive side of the ball. When it was 16-14 at halftime, I began to wonder if Northwestern was going to win the Super Bowl, because an early season loss that makes the U.N sanction football is exactly the kind of thing we see from Northwestern before they win 8 straight in conference play. The WTF rhombus is coming, guys. Just be patient.

 

#17 UCF crushed Stanford, 45-20. Ok, so. Couple things going on here. UCF was having a mild QB controversy going into this game, with the embattled Notre Dame transfer Brandom Wimbush showing why he transferred - he’s a running back playing QB - and true freshman Dillion Gabriel taking over. The kid looked real good, I’ll tell ya that. UCF is now 4-1 in their last five games versus P5 teams, but we’ve got to be concerned about Stanford here. The Peasant Handbook was willing to write off last weeks defeat to PAC-12 nonsense, but they’ve been blown out two weeks in a row in games that should have been competitive. It’s a hard fall from the upper crust, and somebody has got to grab ahold of the mantle and settle the Cardinal down. Unfortunately, it’s far from a sure thing.

 

Minnesota - ick - Minnesota beat Georgia Southern 35-32, scoring in the final minutes to complete a comeback against a who-dat in their own stadium. In three games against #meatsax, the Golden Rodents have struggled mightily. This does not bode well, and I’m a Big Ten guy through and through but man, I’m having a hard time finding the silver lining. Line play has improved, and something can be said for winning three consecutive comebacks, but how are the Gophers going to keep this going against B1G teams? Says P.J Fleck, "This team has some of the most heart I've ever seen in my entire life.” (...some of the most heart? Like, they’re - but you said - never mind) I love Fleck’s upbeat attitude, and he’s been great for the program. The Gophers have some really nice pieces. But if this is the ‘Some of the most heart’, he’s ever had, then I really worry what that means when the big boys come to town.

 

#2 Alabama smashed South Carolina, 47-23. As one of the last teams to beat the Crimson Tide, the ‘Cocks had some confidence going into this one, but boy was it grasping straws. The interesting takeaway is that South Carolina had good success moving the ball; Bama has been ravaged by injuries and sees 4+ true freshman get play in their front seven. If ‘Bama is going to fall to a team other than Clemson or LSU, it’s got to be early in the season, while these kids are still green. Additionally, Bama hasn’t been great running the ball; amusingly, it hasn’t stopped them from abusing everyone they’ve played. But for the first time in years, the Crimson Tide could be an injury to stud QB Tua Tagovilioa away from a season of intrigue. 

 

#1 Clemson took care of business against Syracuse, winning 41-6. Sure, there was some intrigue heading into this. The Orange have played Clemson tough for a few years in a row, including a win in 2017. But as last week showed, the Syracuse defense is in no position to keep this team afloat. Trevor Lawrence, Clemson’s prodigus QB, is officially in his sophomore slump; he’s still one of the best QB’s in the nation. The Clemson defense - which lost 4 linemen to the NFL last year - took a big step towards asserting its confidence as its own unit. This was a blowout, but Syracuse could have made it somewhat interesting; but they were never going to win.

 

LSU and Georgia won big. Little to no intrigue. Mustard was invented by the Spanish in 1328 when a monk accidentally crushed mustard seeds. Sure.

 

#5 Oklahoma made beaver meat out of UCLA, 48-14. Sad to see the Rose Bowl empty and disengaged. Jalen Hurts, the Alamaba transfer currently manning the QB position for the Sooners, looks like a God. Lincoln Riley is either the luckiest man alive or the greatest QB coach alive; I’m going with the latter. Oklahoma looks much better on defense, which honestly puts them near Clemson/Bama territory. Chip Kelly is on his way out, and the Bruins may not win more than 2-3 games this year. 

 

Nebraska played their first complete game of the year, beating up on Northern Illinois 44-8. Not much to say. The Huskers look good when they’re not sabotaging themselves.

 

Couple other good games happened but I’m on day 3 without apple juice and my mom is probably the only one left reading so. Go to funsports.net for your data.

 

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Busters and Beavers

 

I can’t help but notice ‘Winner and Loser’ lists are all the rage, so in line with our theme for the week, the Peasant Handbook has decided to adapt and include a new feature. Introducing…

The Big Time Buster of the Week!

AND…

Beaver Meat!

 

Hopefully that is clear.

 

This week’s Big Time Buster:

 

Kirk Ferentz, for finally achieving his lifelong dream of the game winning punt.

This week’s Beaver Meat:

 

Georgia Tech coach Geoff Collins, who called a time out before his team scored a game ending, walk off touchdown. Georgia Tech would go on to lose in overtime...to the Citadel. Who lost to Elon and Towson so far. Elon and Towson sounds like an alternate reality version of Sherlock and Holmes that is sold in gas stations next to off brand microwavable cotton candy.

 

Obligatory Verne Lundquist

Do you...Do you ever feel as if your life has been a lie?

 

Like there is something about you that feels...preconceived? As if your choices have been ascribed long before you knew they existed?

 

Do you ever wonder what it's like to be weak?

 

I don’t. I am weak. Because Verne no longer announces SEC football. Because I don’t get to watch his gobbler jiggle in excitement.

 

“I’ve seen things you wouldn't believe. I’ve watched Manziel lasers glitter in the light near the Aggie Gate. I’ve seen Chris Davis vaporize a Crimson Tide. All those moments will be lost iin grass, like Verne in the booth. Time to to drugs."

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Orifice Extractions for Week 4

Peasant Omniscience to date : 13-6. Last week I had some shit picks. Most notable Stanford over UCF. Sorry.

 

#11 Michigan - 26

#14 Wisconsin - 20

 

What are we to make of the Wolverines? If they play like they have in the first two weeks, this one won’t be close. But something tells me Wisconsin will be surprised when the Wolverines out come strong and take an early lead, as they’ve had such an easy path thus far. Michigan jumps out early and tries to lose late, but a late turnover seals it.

 

Michigan State - 24

Northwestern - 16

 

The Spartans don’t exactly have me brimming with confidence, but nor do the Wildcats; I’ve seen nothing from the Wildcat QB’s to lead me to think they can score enough on a good defense to win. Sparty uses some special teams plays to pull off a rebound win.

 

#10 Utah - 33

USC - 26

 

USC keeps it close early, but needs a garbage time score to keep the score respectable.

 

#9 Florida - 21

Tennessee- 23

 

Why would anybody make this pick? I don’t know. Whatever. Tennessee has some confidence and I think Florida backup QB Trask comes back to earth, with 3 total turnovers. This won’t be pretty.

 

#8 Auburn - 28

#17 Texas A&M - 34

 

Auburn is going to struggle on the road, and the Aggies have been boiling up for a big win.

 

#22 Washington - 38

BYU - 20

 

BYU’s fun streak comes to an end, and Washington regains their mojo. The Mars Rover is relocated to Kolob.

 

#3 Georgia - 30

#7 Notre Dame - 19

 

Georgia just has too much, and though the Irish will hold early, the Bulldogs physicality lets them score a late touchdown on a long run to pull away. It will be close, though.

 

Ole Miss - 32

#23 California - 23

 

I don’t know. Ole Miss can randomly play well and California is still prone to a few gaffes a year. This is a gut feeling.

 

#15 UCF - 31

Pittsburgh- 20

 

Things keep going downhill for Pitt, who struggle again on offense. This will be another huge win for UCF.

 

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Parting Thoughts:

 

It was a week bemoaned for a lack of top tiered match ups. Instead, Week 3 was memorable and were the perfect shot of excitement leading into what feels like the start of the ‘real’ season. We’ll find a lot about the Big Ten this weekend. 

 

By the way, that hamster is still in my walls. Someone send help.