james turner

11/25/2023 – Michigan 30, Ohio State 24 – 12-0, 9-0 Big Ten, Big Ten East Champs

Shrek was nude, erect, and prodigious.

This did not phase me. I am a member of the Oregon Trail generation. When the guy who posted this at me was still in the womb I was casually scrolling past goatse and lemonparty. There is only one image on the internet that has ever shook me. I will not say what it is, and I have not seen it in fifteen years. Turgid Shrek is nothing compared to it.

It goes without saying that this happened on Twitter, which was already a cesspool before Elon Musk took it over. It was already a cesspool before Ohio State's PI firm spun the Connor Stalions stuff into the Worst Scandal In College Football History™ and Tony Petitti took the bait. Combine these two events and you get the last month of the season, the most hellish one imaginable when your very excellent football team is heading for an undefeated matchup in the greatest rivalry in sports.

The context is this: some guy thinks this is a cool dunk.

The Connor Stalions effect in four pictures

Incredible, incredible stuff pic.twitter.com/vnZ7fVGKOR

— AthletesInSpace (@AthletesInSpace) November 23, 2023

That's three bone-dry news posts that might as well be from the AP followed up by a tweet of mine dunking on Gattis after he tanked the Miami offense overnight. Obviously this person is not familiar with the output of this blog, which was more or less furious about Gattis after his second game in charge of the offense and only got more frustrated from there.  I replied with evidence of such, and got Shrek.

This was the vast majority of interactions I had the last month. You say something, you cite some stuff, you appeal to common sense, and someone sends you a cartoon schwangle-dangle. Or you post literally anything and that happens. Usually metaphorically, sometimes literally.

I don't bring this up because I imagine you are hanging on what my experience is on Twitter, but because I imagine this is a reasonable facsimile of what your lives have been over the past month. Ohio State fans, mercifully quiet for the last couple years, popping up to go LOL STALIONS when you're at a baby shower or a work meeting or a briss. Michigan State fans saying Michigan had Endangered The Players just days after Spencer Brown speared Braiden McGregor in the helmet. Bert Bielema coming up to you, personally, and saying you are a disgusting human being for tolerating the filth that is Michigan football. Sort of thing. And you just have to smile tightly and try to change the subject, lest you strangle someone.

I also imagine that what you experienced at four o'clock on Saturday afternoon is what I did: silence. Blissful, wonderful silence.

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Nobody gives a shit anymore. In the aftermath even the Ohio State fans who were dead certain that Connor Stalions was all Michigan had are busy fighting other Ohio State fans who don't hate Ohio State's coach enough:

Pat Forde, who seized upon his old-school journalist instincts to hop aboard the Worst Scandal Ever train a few weeks ago, is now forced to show his belly to Dan Wetzel with some mealy-mouthed assertions that the NCAA is going to step in and do a thing. This, too, is a common theme amongst OSU cope posting: surely all of this will be vacated even after the last half-season of football amply demonstrated that Connor Stalions had about 0% to do with Michigan's success.

That was always the truth, and would always be the truth. But the truth doesn't always matter. Michigan strangling out Ohio State with a 7-minute drive and then pressuring Kyle McCord into an interception means that it does actually matter. Those were the stakes: does Michigan get to claim what they earned? Yes. Yes they do. In the aftermath Kris Jenkins screamed at Jason Avant that "there ain't no more excuses, can't nobody say otherwise, because we did that shit!"

So now we can put it behind us. There will be the deranged rivals screaming CHEATERZ until we all die; now they are an amusing sidelight and nothing else. They are welcome to die mad.

Attention can now turn to this team. This fucking team.

I could not have withstood this. I am just a guy on the internet and I have to admit that all the noise half-crippled me for three weeks. I believe that a lot of teams fronted by regular humans would have folded at the pressure put upon them. I privately feared Michigan was cracking after the Maryland game.

They were not. I am not sure we fully comprehend how lucky we were that we got this set of players at this exact moment in time. It feels like JJ McCarthy and Blake Corum and Kris Jenkins and Mike Barrett and Mike Sainristil could stare a nuclear holocaust in the face, glance at each other, and say "we got this."

This is unfair because it does not reference basically every other Michigan starter, and also the other half of the defense that plays 30 snaps a game. Trente Jones came in after the aforementioned horrific injury and immediately started hammering people. Jake Thaw got hammered by a teammate and held onto a punt. Folks make errors, sure. This is a team that faced down Marvin Harrison, lost their top-ten pick corner for the last 20 minutes, and said "bet."

Who was the weak spot to attack? Who was the indomitable hero? There wasn't one, and there wasn't one.

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The worst part about this column thus far is that it has barely referenced the actual Michigan players who fought this out. 30-24 is the third Michigan win over Ohio State in a row, something that hasn't happened since 1997. This column has necessarily concerned itself with all of the ridiculous garbage leading up to a completely normal football game won by the better team. I, personally, have spent a lot of time citing the four players I have just cited above.

But when you have a program, Quinten Johnson comes back and puts on his best Marcus Ray impression. Kalel Mullings wipes folks on out lead blocks. Trente Jones comes in when Zinter goes out. This game was not only an escape from the Narrative but a validation of Michigan's "everyone eats" approach. They put so much time into making sure everyone was ready, and then everyone was ready. I saw Mike Sainristil's dad carry a giant Mike Sainristil head onto the field for the Senior Day portion of the proceedings, and then I saw the Sainristil head at midfield after Michigan beat Ohio State. Last year Sainristil felt like a fluke, like something Michigan had lucked into. In 2023 Sainristil is the past, present, and future.

Next year it'll be Mason Graham, or Ben Hall, or Kalel Mullings. Not every year is going to be this peak roster year but Michigan has found a groove here where they can get the Michigan guys. There is a bat signal out here, and the folks Michigan needs to win will come to help them win. This all derives from this generation of players, and their attitude.

Despite the famous/infamous history of JJ McCarthy's recruitment, where he wanted to go to OSU and got screwed out of it, it is impossible to envision him playing in that fascist fucking stadium. Yes, take all the NFL guys and send them to the NFL. Instead we will have the Sainted Four, and Trevor Keegan, and Zak Zinter, and Kris Jenkins, and keep them and hold them and release them when they are ready, which is a bit later than other programs might keep them.

This is not a coaching thing, or necessarily a Michigan thing. Those things help. But fundamentally this is a decision they make because something other than maximizing revenue is what drives them. They are here—still here—for another reason. They stayed. And they are champions.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

[Bryan Fuller]

you're the man now, dog

#1 JJ McCarthy. 16/20, 7.4 YPA, 1 TD, no interceptions against a pass defense that was by far the best in the country in opponent-adjusted EPA/play. Added three crucial scrambles for 17 yards. Did not put a single ball in harm's way a week after making everyone's collars tighten against Maryland. Made some of the most mind-bending throws I can remember.

#2 Mason Graham, Kenneth Grant, and Kris Jenkins. The primary place Michigan's light box shows up is between the tackles. Michigan got to play two deep safeties against Marvin Harrison and fling every coverage known to man at him because the DTs were able to bow up enough to hold TreVeyon Henderson to 3.2 yards an attempt despite getting buckets of doubles.

#3 Blake Corum. The 22-yard touchdown was the most important play of the game, coming right after Zinter's injury. 4.0 yards per carry isn't astounding but when a chunk of those carries are pounding it in from the seven on Michigan's first touchdown and other short-yardage events, your average gets depressed.

Also #3 Colston Loveland. Five catches for 88 yards means he was the most efficient offensive player on either team. No incompletions were directed at Loveland.

Also #3 Will Johnson. Crucial interception and I'm pretty sure he's covering for a safety bust on the PI/insane Harrison catch; tackling him was a smart move. Unfortunately, Harrison caught the dang thing anyway.

Also #3 Jaylen Harrell. Forced the game-ending interception.

Honorable mention: Tommy Doman's booming punts let Michigan weather some early offensive hiccups. Donovan Edwards had a crucial halfback pass. Mike Barrett nearly had an INT and was excellent in coverage all day. Rod Moore paid off the Harrell rush. Quinten Johnson leveled Egbuka to prevent a chunk play. James Turner's field goals were the margin of victory and one was from 50.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

53: JJ McCarthy (#1 ECU, #1 UNLV, #2 Rutgers, HM Nebraska, #2 Minn, #1 IU, #1 MSU, HM PUR, HM PSU, #1 OSU)
28: Kris Jenkins (HM ECU, T2 UNLV, #1 BGSU, HM Rutgers, #1 Neb, HM MSU, T2 OSU)
24: Mason Graham (HM ECU, T2 UNLV, #1 Minn, HM IU, HM MSU, T2 MD, T2 OSU) 
22: Blake Corum (HM ECU, HM UNLV, #2 BGSU, HM Rutgers, HM Neb, HM IU, #1 PSU, HM MD, #3 OSU)
20: Mike Sainristil (T3 ECU, HM BGSU, #1 Rutgers, HM IU, HM MSU, #1 MD), Kenneth Grant (T3 ECU, T2 UNLV, #2 PSU, T2 MD, T2 OSU)
14: Roman Wilson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU, #3 Nebraska, #2 PUR), Mike Barrett (HM UNLV, T3 Rutgers, #2 IU, T1 PUR, HM MD, HM OSU)
13: Colston Loveland (HM Rutgers, T3 IU, T2 MSU, HM PUR, HM MD, #3 OSU)
11: AJ Barner (HM BGSU, HM Neb, HM Minn, T3 IU, T2 MSU, HM PSU),
10: Braiden McGregor(T3 UNLV, #2 Nebraska, T1 PUR), Will Johnson(#3 Minn, #3 PUR, HM PSU, #3 OSU)
9: Jaylen Harrell (HM UNLV, HM BGSU, HM IU, T1 PUR, #3 OSU)
7: Cornelius Johnson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU, HM Minn), Derrick Moore (T3 UNLV, HM Neb, HM MSU, T1 PUR),
6: Junior Colson (#3 BGSU, T3 Rutgers, HM MSU)
5: Tommy Doman (HM ECU, #3 MD, HM OSU)
4: Ernest Hausmann (T3 ECU, T3 Rutgers), Max Bredeson (HM Rutgers, HM Neb, T3 IU), Josiah Stewart (HM Minn, T1 PUR), The Offensive Line (HM Minn, #3 PSU),
3: Donovan Edwards (HM ECU, HM PSU, HM OSU)
2:  Josh Wallace (T3 ECU), Semaj Morgan (HM Rutgers, HM PUR), Rod Moore (HM PUR, HM OSU), Quinten Johnson (HM Rutgers, HM OSU)
1: Tyler Morris (HM UNLV), Kalel Mullings (HM Minn),Keon Sabb (HM Minn), Ben Hall (HM IU), Rayshaun Benny (HM PSU), Cam Goode (HM MD), James Turner(HM OSU)

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Rod Moore's diving interception seals the game.

Honorable mention: Donovan Edwards completes a halfback pass. Blake Corum scores a legacy-defining touchdown. Will Johnson intercepts McCord. JJ McCarthy throws the most ridiculous pass I've ever seen for a Roman Wilson touchdown. Tommy Doman sticks a punt at the two.

MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK

Zak Zinter's leg shatters. They did not show the aftermath on television and you are grateful for this decision. The incident was an unavoidable accident, FWIW.

Honorable mention: Ohio State runs it down Michigan's throat to tie the game at 24. Various Ohio State catches from their cyborg wide receivers. A Roman Wilson first down catch is (correctly) overturned.

NICK SAMAC PATHETIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK

We get two commercial-kickoff-commercial sequences in the third quarter and also a timeout-commercial-timeout-play-commercial sequence at the end of the game. Also the timeouts in this game were 30 seconds longer than in any other game this year. The Big Ten, which just huffily suspended Jim Harbaugh, is siphoning millions of dollars from these two programs. That is going to stop in the next TV contract, or we're out of here.

Dishonorable mention: Pete Thamel hides in the stadium instead of facing the music.

9/23/2023 – Michigan 31, Rutgers 7 – 4-0, 1-0 Big Ten

On Saturday I looked at my watch halfway through the fourth quarter and said "what?" It was 2:50 PM. Michigan would strangle out the last seven minutes with a series of punishing Kalel Mullings runs and go home in an NFL time window. Which is nice, I guess, if the alternative is the networks finding a way to stick in another 10 minutes of commercials in there. It's also nice if you have to do a UFR. But it's not so nice if you're used to a certain amount of football and then there's far less of that.

Michigan's approach to the first third of the season has been to land some body blows and then get the heck out of dodge. This tweet is a week out of date now but that means it it overstates how many plays per minute Michigan is getting in after Michigan and Rutgers combined for 105 in 60 minutes, a play rate of 1.75:

Who plays fast and who plays slow in college football? Here's an updated look at the plays per minute data through Week 3:

1. Tennessee - 3.06
2. TCU - 2.82
3. South Florida - 2.81

131. Michigan - 1.91
132. Rice - 1.77
133. Air Force - 1.77https://t.co/Inp8DhJ7Mu

— Chris Hummer (@chris_hummer) September 21, 2023

The average FBS team is averaging 2.3 plays per minute, so the Rutgers game, in its entirety, was just the first three quarters of an average FBS game. It was barely more than half your average Tennessee game.

This fact combines with the second straight year of cupcake nonconference scheduling and Michigan's tendency to pull anyone with so much as a hangnail to lend the season an air of unreality. Michigan feels like they're simming this season until the Penn State game. We have not left yet the preseason portion of the schedule.

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Various members of the media have issued condescending little pieces about how the new clock rules aren't making a major impact and that commercial time hasn't increased. The argument appears to be that commercial breaks are only as intolerable as they were last year, when they were completely intolerable. Hooray?

The Alabama-Texas game officially lasted three hours and 24 minutes, of which approximately 45 minutes (not including halftime) were commercials. We compared that broadcast with three 2022 SEC games on ESPN. They followed the same format and averaged between 45 and 46 minutes. No noticeable change from last year.

This article then goes on to detail how the networks have eight commercial breaks per half of football, which is the same number of breaks an entire college basketball game has and eight more than any soccer game ever broadcast. Then were are expected to feel grateful, somehow, that there are the same number of commercial breaks being inserted into less football. I'm not sure why the authors of these pieces can't divide.

Meanwhile I've watched halftime shows in back-to-back weeks in which 1) BGSU brought their band for a full halftime and 2) Michigan had their extended homecoming halftime show; both of those events ended with 8 minutes on the halftime clock. If they wanted to cut time they could easily have adopted the same 15-minute halftime that the NFL does. But if a TV exec calls up a sports journalist these folks jump at the opportunity.

In Michigan's case, the way they play their games exacerbates the clock issues. Teams that have four-play scoring drives are seeing a bit of time roll off the clock before it stops for a touchdown or an incomplete pass or whatever. Michigan's tendency to go on long, grinding marches means there are more instances where the clock is running when it otherwise would have been stopped. This effect was even more pronounced in the Ohio State-Notre Dame game, which was largely bereft of explosive plays but featured a lot of first downs. Those teams racked up 129 plays, barely over two per minute. There were 39 first downs in that game; if 30 of them saw the clock run when it otherwise would not the new clock rules lopped the last five minutes off that game. Five minutes are reputed to be forever late in games, so while we're being told that the new rules aren't really doing anything, you could be forgiven for feeling like they're having an absolutely massive impact.

In Michigan's case this can be spun as a good thing since guys are less likely to get hurt… except apparently they're getting hurt in practice a bunch. If most of your hitting occurs when you're getting ready for the game, then the injury benefits of fewer plays are marginal. Personally, I'd like to see more things happen and fewer insurance commercials, but maybe someone who went to Medill can tell me why that's wrong.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

zing a zang zoop [Barron]

you're the man now, dog

#1 Mike Sainristil. Jumped a tunnel screen(!) for an interception. Then flipped Junior Colson over his head, kept his balance, burst out of the pack, and ran for a 71-yard touchdown. He even switched the ball to the appropriate arm. Also had two QB hurries, bringing his pass rush win rate up to 36% this year. Took the blame for the Rutgers touchdown even though he was responsible for maybe 15 of those yards because he's a captain.

#2 JJ McCarthy. It says something about how distorted our expectations got after the first two weeks when I thought McCarthy had kind of a rough day and then the box score says he averaged 10 YPA and ran for 60 yards. After a couple hiccups early he was locked in.

#3 Junior Colson, Ernest Haussman, and Michael Barrett. Each of Michigan's linebackers came in for an eyepopping play; my favorite was Barrett shooting up into a free-releasing OL and then ripping him to the ground. Hausmann got to the sideline on an early lead stretch and blasted the RB back into Wimsatt; Colson was again ably tackling in space. Two points each.

Honorable mention: Quinten Johnson had a third-down stick and a PBU. Blake Corum was doing Blake Corum things. Max Bredeson continues to thump linebackers. Colston Loveland had a buttzone catch down the seam and several other catches besides. Semaj Morgan got a tunnel screen early and a back-shoulder TD late. Kris Jenkins blew up two short yardage conversions, though the first was called back for a false start.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

21: JJ McCarthy (#1 ECU, #1 UNLV, #2 Rutgers)
14: Kris Jenkins (HM ECU, T2 UNLV, #1 BGSU, HM Rutgers)
11: Mike Sainristil (T3 ECU, HM BGSU, #1 Rutgers)
8: Blake Corum (HM ECU, HM UNLV, #2 BGSU, HM Rutgers)
6: Kenneth Grant (T3 ECU, T2 UNLV), Roman Wilson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU), Cornelius Johnson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU)
5: Mason Graham (HM ECU, T2 UNLV), Junior Colson (#3 BGSU, T3 Rutgers)
4: Ernest Hausmann (T3 ECU, T3 Rutgers)
3: Mike Barrett (HM UNLV, T3 Rutgers)
2:  Josh Wallace (T3 ECU), Braiden McGregor(T3 UNLV), Derrick Moore (T3 UNLV), Jaylen Harrell (HM UNLV, HM BGSU)
1: Tommy Doman (HM ECU), Donovan Edwards (HM ECU), Tyler Morris (HM UNLV), AJ Barner (HM BGSU), Semaj Morgan (HM Rutgers), Max Bredeson (HM Rutgers), Colston Loveland (HM Rutgers), Quinten Johnson (HM Rutgers)

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Sainristil's weaving pick-six closes the door on any reasonable chance of a Rutgers comeback.

Honorable mention: Colston Loveland grabs a seam route, demonstrating the Ups. Michigan stuffs a fourth down emphatically, even if it didn't count.

MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

Rod Moore misses a tackle to stake Rutgers to an early lead.

Honorable mention: JJ McCarthy's first two passes are not real great, leading to momentary doubt. Marcus Freeman doesn't put 11 guys on the field.

The B1G on Peacock Era opened with a brilliant first 35 minutes from JJ McCarthy, followed by a comatose 25 minutes that begged the question "what's the point?" before culminating in the saddest field goal of all Sad Field Goals. East Carolina snapped the shutout to preserve whatever pride they had left but head back to Greenville soundly defeated, the 30-3 score perhaps not even the best reflection of the lopsided nature of the game when both starting units were in. Michigan taking their foot off the gas is all that prevented the Big House turf from flowing red with Pirate blood. 

East Carolina got the ball to begin the game and went three and out, with Michigan safety Keon Sabb, in his first career college start, getting a PBU to end the drive. Michigan was indeed short-handed with injuries but not quite as severe as perhaps anticipated. Makari Paige did play, while Will Johnson warmed up but did not appear in the contest. ECU punted it deep and Jake Thaw did not catch it, instead letting it roll down to the two. Backed up in the shadow of their own goal line, Michigan was as conservative as it gets, running three times into run blitzes and then punting. 

ECU's next drive didn't go any better, two run plays that were stuffed before QB Mason Garcia fired under pressure from Kenneth Grant, short-arming the ball and leaving it off target, plucked out of the air for an INT by Mike Sainristil. Michigan's ensuing drive was the first of five straight that would end in points and the beginning of the fireworks display from JJ McCarthy. But first was a play that will make headlines: the return of the train play from 2016, a tribute to the suspended Jim Harbaugh (several players including McCarthy wore "Free Harbaugh" shirts to the game). 

[Bryan Fuller]

But once the luster of the train wore off, it was a beautiful showing of offense. McCarthy zipped a ball in to Roman Wilson on an out route to get it going. Blake Corum galloped for 21 down to the 15 and two plays later, McCarthy sidestepped pressure, rolled, and just as he was crossing the line of scrimmage, fired a dart to Wilson in the end zone for a TD. McCarthy appeared to be across the line of scrimmage, but the referees ruled that just enough of his back foot was on the line to leave the call on the field and uphold the TD. 7-0 Michigan. 

The Pirates picked up their first first down on the next drive, a QB sneak from Mason Garcia, but punted on the next series after pressure on 3rd & 11 forced Garcia to abandon the designed passing play and scramble short of the line to gain. Back on offense, the Wolverines went down and scored again. JJ McCarthy started it with a 20 yard bullet to Cornelius Johnson and then hooked up with Roman Wilson on a 3rd & 7. Blake Corum's long run down the sideline went for 37 yards and got the Wolverines to the goal line. Corum punched it in from two yards out, his first TD since last year's knee injury against Illinois. 14-0. 

East Carolina's fourth drive was their longest of the game, going for 32 yards, and it was led by a new QB: Alex Flinn. The veteran seemed to calm the Pirate offense down and got them moving, but then fired a seeming interception to Michigan corner Josh Wallace. It appeared to your author that Wallace secured the catch with both feet in bounds, but after review, the call was overturned. Peacock never showed us comprehensive replays or explained why it was overturned, so your guess is as good as mine. Nevertheless, Sainristil broke up a fade and Michigan forced another punt. 

[Patrick Barron]

McCarthy was right back on his game on Michigan's next possession. On four consecutive plays McCarthy converted a 3rd & 11 with a strike to Cornelius Johnson, hit Colston Loveland on play-action for 24, found Loveland on a 15 yard out, and then scrambled and uncorked a laser to Roman Wilson in the end zone for a TD. Yowza! Transfer kicker James Turner shanked the extra point and Michigan led 20-0 with 5:32 remaining in the first half. 

On the next possession, for the first time all game, East Carolina drove into Michigan territory and got a chance to score points. Sloppy tackling from the Wolverines allowed ECU to pick up a pair of third-and-short/mediums and sail their way inside the Wolverine 35 as time ticked under 90 seconds remaining. However, Michigan's LBs stuffed the first down run, Kris Jenkins forced Flinn to throw the ball away, and then a throw for Jaylon Johnson (defended by Sabb) was ruled incomplete after a review (seemed obvious at the time). Curiously, Michigan seemed to have 12 players on the field and a flag was thrown but after the review, the penalty was never enforced and instead ECU faced a 51 yard FG. Coach Mike Houston sent Andrew Conrad out there, who pushed the kick wide. 

Michigan now had a shorter field and time to drive for a field goal of their own, with 48 seconds remaining in the half. McCarthy short-armed his first couple throws but overall had little problem directing the offense into field goal range. A 12 yard pass to Wilson and then a 9 yard delivery to Frederick Moore, the true freshman's first NCAA catch, set Turner up for a 50 yard FG. The grad student kicker banged it right down the middle (would've been good from 60) and Michigan led 23-0 at halftime. 

[AFTER THE JUMP: second half, takes, box score]