christian boivin

[Paul Sherman]
Comment Count

153

Time To Die
Brian • November 20, 2023 • 1:52pm

11/18/2023 – Michigan 31, Maryland 24 – 11-0, 8-0 Big Ten

Michigan got up 23-3; they'd paved Maryland on a couple touchdown drives, forced a fumble out of Taulia Tagovailoa for a touchdown, and blocked a punt. Hooray, another one of these games, can we please fast forward to next weekend. I no longer want football to be happening, because Roman Wilson has already exited this game and there is no reason to continue this exhibition before the main event.

Then the other football game happened. You know, the one before Ohio State where everyone wants to fast forward to The Game but the opponent will not cooperate and Michigan gets stuck in a slog. This one wasn't as bad as last year's Fiesta Del Field Goals against Illinois, but happy sim-to-end thoughts got replaced by grimmer ones as Michigan kept losing players and Maryland kept hanging around. There was a terrifying targeting review on Mason Graham that would have knocked him out of the first half of The Game; Myles Hinton ended up screaming very loud on camera after he got his knee rolled up on; Sherrone Moore tried one deep shot that McCarthy missed and otherwise went right to the book of Lloyd Carr Blown Leads.

Michigan did not blow the lead, instead deciding to repeatedly sack Taulia Tagovailoa until Tagovailoa freaked out and threw it to no one while standing in the endzone, and the trap game ended without much more than mild annoyance from the Michigan fans that made up a large majority of the crowd.

Now: death, fire, and doom.

----------------------------------------------------

The most important Game of all time is always this one, but this is the most important Game of all time.

Michigan has been beset by wildly exaggerated claims of malfeasance based on Connor Stalions going great lengths to get things that you can get just by asking Rutgers. Jim Harbaugh has been suspended via a ludicrous legal theory that he can be punished for acts he did not commit or know about because he "embodies the university." Ohio State fans are weeping on Twitter that Ryan Day should be forgiven because Michigan's dastardly acts invalidate consecutive three-touchdown beatdowns. They are crossing out all the Ms in their tweets except one.

You are probably aware that this has been the most irritating, enraging, and insane month in the history of my—and likely your—tenure as a Michigan fan. The non-stop chirping from people who couldn't figure out how to change a lightbulb even if Stalions gave them detailed instructions has changed a joyous, national-championship-contending season into a descent into paranoia.

That fact that all of this is bullshit will never register with the people who do not already realize all of this is bullshit. Pretty much every single former player who isn't a rival has dismissed this as penny-ante crap, but you still have the media howlers howling about banning Michigan—Blake Corum and JJ McCarthy and Mike Sainristil and Mike Barrett—from the playoff.

There is only one way to shut it all up: win. Ryan Day's successfully disrupted the Michigan football program but now he's out of excuses. Michigan has your signs? That's on you at this point. You can't beat Sherrone Moore? Not a great look, Coach Just For Men. Lose, and the ridiculous narrative that sign-stealing was the main reason Michigan won by three touchdowns in consecutive years will never die.

Only one team's getting out of this alive. That is barely a metaphor.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

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[David Wilcomes]

you're the man now, dog-2535ac8789d1b499[1]

#1 Mike Sainristil. Two interceptions will do it, yeah. The first was particularly critical, coming just as Maryland was getting momentum and threatening to drive for the lead. Tagovailoa got him a couple times but Sainristil nearly had a third INT, but for Tagovailoa throwing his late ball late enough that Sainristil could only bring it in out of bounds.

#2(T) Kenneth Grant and Mason Graham. Graham was the main motive force on various pressures. His explosion is the driver on stunts; he clears people out so badly that loopers have a truck lane to jet through. Grant, meanwhile, continues to come into his own as a truck-sized human who is supernaturally fast. Both guys tied for second on the team in tackles, as defensive tackles. Four points each.

#3 Tommy Doman. 47 yards an attempt, a long of 58, and the Punt Of The Year? Get in here, buddy.

Honorable mention: Mike Barrett punched out the fumble that Derrick Moore grabbed for a touchdown; Cam Goode got consistent QB pressure. Colston Loveland had two crucial catches and blocked well. Blake Corum did Blake Corum things.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

45: JJ McCarthy (#1 ECU, #1 UNLV, #2 Rutgers, HM Nebraska, #2 Minn, #1 IU, #1 MSU, HM PUR, HM PSU)
23: Kris Jenkins (HM ECU, T2 UNLV, #1 BGSU, HM Rutgers, #1 Neb, HM MSU)
20: Mike Sainristil (T3 ECU, HM BGSU, #1 Rutgers, HM IU, HM MSU, #1 MD)
19: Blake Corum (HM ECU, HM UNLV, #2 BGSU, HM Rutgers, HM Neb, HM IU, #1 PSU, HM MD), Mason Graham (HM ECU, T2 UNLV, #1 Minn, HM IU, HM MSU, T2 MD)
15: Kenneth Grant (T3 ECU, T2 UNLV, #2 PSU, T2 MD)
14: Roman Wilson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU, #3 Nebraska, #2 PUR)
13: Mike Barrett (HM UNLV, T3 Rutgers, #2 IU, T1 PUR, HM MD)
11: AJ Barner (HM BGSU, HM Neb, HM Minn, T3 IU, T2 MSU, HM PSU),
10: Braiden McGregor(T3 UNLV, #2 Nebraska, T1 PUR), Colston Loveland (HM Rutgers, T3 IU, T2 MSU, HM PUR, HM MD)
7: Cornelius Johnson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU, HM Minn), Derrick Moore (T3 UNLV, HM Neb, HM MSU, T1 PUR), Will Johnson(#3 Minn, #3 PUR, HM PSU)
6: Junior Colson (#3 BGSU, T3 Rutgers, HM MSU), Jaylen Harrell (HM UNLV, HM BGSU, HM IU, T1 PUR)
4: Ernest Hausmann (T3 ECU, T3 Rutgers), Max Bredeson (HM Rutgers, HM Neb, T3 IU), Josiah Stewart (HM Minn, T1 PUR), The Offensive Line (HM Minn, #3 PSU), Tommy Doman (HM ECU, #3 MD)
2:  Josh Wallace (T3 ECU), Semaj Morgan (HM Rutgers, HM PUR), Donovan Edwards (HM ECU, HM PSU)
1: Tyler Morris (HM UNLV), Quinten Johnson (HM Rutgers), Kalel Mullings (HM Minn),Keon Sabb (HM Minn), Ben Hall (HM IU), Rod Moore (HM PUR), Rayshaun Benny (HM PSU), Cam Goode (HM MD)

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Michigan's fourth quarter onslaught against Tagovailoa ends in an intentional grounding safety that closes the door on a regulation loss.

Honorable mention: Derrick Moore scores a defensive touchdown; Christian Boivin blocks a punt for a safety; Mike Sainristil intercepts two passes.

imageMARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK

Maryland gets down to the one and punches in a touchdown as Will Johnson is beat on a fade route. This is more about the Implications for next week, but the implications are there, being implied.

Honorable mention: JJ McCarthy throws two terrible passes in a row, the second of which is actually intercepted. This is also about next week vibes. Tagovailoa goes nuts in the third quarter before reverting back into the Tagovailoa pumpkin. Josh Wallace gets torched on a double move and is removed for the remainder.

NICK SAMAC PATHETIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEKsamac_thumb1

Hey! We made it through a game without issuing this! Woo!

Dishonorable mention: N/A

[After THE JUMP: BGSU revibes]
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[Patrick Barron]
Comment Count

119

Yes, We Have No Fantods Today
Brian • October 2, 2023 • 1:01pm

9/30/2023 – Michigan 45, Nebraska 7 – 5-0, 2-0 Big Ten

This column is about being grateful but first a digression into obscure lexicography, as the readership demands. Despite an Atlantic article that accidentally implies that the noun "fantods" was a neologism sprouted from David Foster Wallace's mother, Merriam Webster asserts that Charles Fredrick Briggs deployed in 1839; indeed, it actually found its way in to Huckleberry Finn:

"They was all nice pictures, I reckon, but I didn't somehow seem to take to them, because … they always give me the fantods."

I think it is probable that DFW's mother is the originator of the phrase "howling fantods," which does feel like a temple erected on top of a previous religion's foundation. Fantods are one thing. When they howl, wow. Buddy. I mean. It's not good.

I was put in this frame of mind in the midst of Michigan's comprehensive dismantling of Nebraska because whilst I was enjoying myself, many other sports fans were not. I was particularly affected by two morose persons in particular. One was Robert Rosenthal, who goes by @alioneye on Twitter and is very likely the world's most dedicated Illinois fan. Illinois is coming off a promising season, and as directed by the laws of Illinois football that means they must immediately descend into the Earth's mantle. Ryan Walters, until recently the Illinois defensive coordinator, provided that via means of a 44-19 hamblasting at the hands of Purdue. Here is a place I have been:

I have been in the Place Of Cheese, except it was more like, you know, alcohol. At some point in the Rodriguez era I responded to news of Troy Woolfolk's injury with a burst of tweets that resulted in this exchange…

…and me hurriedly explaining that yes I was drinking tea but, like Fred Jackson, I was also drinking several other things that may or may not kill me and that I was not entirely certain which outcome I was hoping for. After the JT Was (Probably Not) Short game I poured a double of Lagavulin 16 and wandered around in the wooded area behind my home for 45 minutes before returning to reality. Did it help? Absolutely. Enough? No.

-------------------------

Depressed sports fan number two was Roger Bennett of Men In Blazers, who is apparently a fan of both Everton and the Chicago Bears. If you responded to this information with a sort of low, keening, sympathetic howl you know more about the EPL and NFL than I do but I saw this from Roger this weekend and thought "I literally wrote this except it was a 600-word column":

I first ran across Bennett during the 2014 World Cup, when Men In Blazers was a sort of late-night World Cup recap show on ESPN, and loved their general exuberance about things. To see Bennett brought so low by the things he loves is a grim reminder that two years ago I was declaring Michigan football the least fun program in the whole of sports. And… I mean… it kind of was.

Now that we are not beset by howling fantods about sports we should take a minute to appreciate that this team is not only good but also very fun. After JJ McCarthy scrambled for a 20-yard touchdown, FOX's mics picked him up saying "thank you so much boys" to his offensive line after demanding pretend corn. After Corum walked in later he pretended to salt the OL's corn. Jim Harbaugh reached unprecedented levels of football dad in the locker room after the game:

The levels of dad Harbaugh is reaching are potentially dangerous, but if there's a fanbase in the country who can adapt and survive it's this one:

I don't know where this season is going to end up but I'm delighted that I get to spend some time with these guys every Saturday.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

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box score shmocks score [Barron]

you're the man now, dog-2535ac8789d1b499[1]

#1 Kris Jenkins. Notched a total of two tackles; don't care. On review of the game he was never successfully blocked. Never. I'm sure Seth will find a couple of counter-examples but Jenkins was a primary reason Nebraska's somewhat vaunted ground game went exactly nowhere.

#2 Braiden McGregor. Very hard to pick out another defensive player for the usual reasons—no snaps, everyone does like one thing—but McGregor did three things in this game: he forced the interception with a batted pass that went sky-high, he shoved a tight end into Haarberg on Nebraska's failed fourth and one, and he (like many others) showed Tyler Corcoran his own intestines en route to a sack.

#3 Roman Wilson. You make that catch, you get to be a Known Friend and Trusted Agent.

Honorable mention: JJ McCarthy averaged nearly ten yards an attempt, scored a scramble TD, ate imaginary corn, thanked his linemen to a national television audience, and kissed his girl with twenty minutes left in the game. Only sixteen attempts, though? AJ Barner and Max Bredeson continue to mash faces. Derrick Moore had a strip-sack, a batted pass, and another hurry. Blake Corum weaved through dudes.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

22: JJ McCarthy (#1 ECU, #1 UNLV, #2 Rutgers, HM Nebraska), Kris Jenkins (HM ECU, T2 UNLV, #1 BGSU, HM Rutgers, #1 Nebraska)
11: Mike Sainristil (T3 ECU, HM BGSU, #1 Rutgers)
9: Roman Wilson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU, #3 Nebraska), Blake Corum (HM ECU, HM UNLV, #2 BGSU, HM Rutgers, HM Neb)
7: Braiden McGregor(T3 UNLV, #2 Nebraska)
6: Kenneth Grant (T3 ECU, T2 UNLV), Cornelius Johnson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU)
5: Mason Graham (HM ECU, T2 UNLV), Junior Colson (#3 BGSU, T3 Rutgers)
4: Ernest Hausmann (T3 ECU, T3 Rutgers)
3: Mike Barrett (HM UNLV, T3 Rutgers)
2:  Josh Wallace (T3 ECU), Derrick Moore (T3 UNLV), Jaylen Harrell (HM UNLV, HM BGSU), AJ Barner (HM BGSU, HM Neb), Max Bredeson (HM Rutgers, HM Neb)
1: Tommy Doman (HM ECU), Donovan Edwards (HM ECU), Tyler Morris (HM UNLV), Semaj Morgan (HM Rutgers), Colston Loveland (HM Rutgers), Quinten Johnson (HM Rutgers), Derrick Moore (HM Neb)

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Roman Wilson provides his version of the Prothro.

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[Barron]

Honorable mention: Kenneth Grant intercepts Nebraska's second play from scrimmage thanks to a McGregor bat; McCarthy rolls away from pressure and fires in a thirty-yard laser for another Wilson TD; Michigan coaches succumb to the clamoring of the internet and agree to call a flea flicker every game.

imageMARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

Uh… Tyler Morris muffed a punt, which he then returned for 30 yards?

Honorable mention: A couple of long completions on slants are irritating.

[After THE JUMP: this is fine]
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