ban baseball slides

11/12/2022 – Michigan 34, Nebraska 3 – 10-0, 7-0 Big Ten

We have acquired First World problems. My main thought while observing this game was "I wish these guys were more interesting." An injury to the opposition's starting quarterback is now a negative. From Michigan's first snap it was clear that if they wanted to they could grind Nebraska into paste without throwing a single time. One Michigan possession started out with consecutive deep balls; that felt like when you get bored playing a video game and try to up the difficulty level by doing something absurd and unnecessary.

When I was a youth playing Tecmo Super Bowl you'd do this by picking Tampa Bay. Tampa had one incredible defensive back, Mark Carrier, and nothing else. The most viable strategy deep into the season when things got harder was to build your offense around running QB Vinny Testaverde six yards at a time. (For the youth, this is like building your offense around running Tom Brady, if Tom Brady only ever said "it'sa me, Vinny Testaverde." This would be a strange thing for Tom Brady to say, but it was just as strange when Vinny Testaverde won the Heisman (seriously! look it up!) and his acceptance speech was merely that. (Don't look up that part.))

Anyway, if you ran ol' Vinny too much he'd get tired and would inevitably fumble. Sometimes he would die.

So you'd have to carefully balance the only thing that would get you yards with not getting any yards at all. This probably sounds familiar to Chubba Purdy.

In the past we have theorized that the world is a simulation, and that it is the worst of all possible simulations: an Akron teenager's NCAA Football save in which he is taking Ohio State to a million national championships in a row. Now we must reconsider. It is possible that the simulation is someone who is bored with his game and is trying to see if he can beat Michigan with Gavin Wimsatt, Chubba Purdy, Spencer Petras, or Peyton Thorne. The answer is no. God no. Hell no.  Play a different game.

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Michigan has now reached the tier of college football teams where their games are largely ignored because they are not interesting. Alabama is playing Mizzou, you say? Ohio State is up against Michigan State? Georgia is playing… uh… the #1 team in the country? Pass, I have better things to do than watch a heavy favorite sit on someone for four hours.

For the neutral viewer Michigan is at least offering up some moderately competitive first halves, but the methods via which they have to do so are increasingly outlandish. Then the third quarter has been ritual sacrifice. For years and years and years Michigan has been the sort of heavy favorite that you always pay attention to because about 40% of the time they get into a game against a team that was supposed to be sat upon, and fairly often they'd actually lose. Michigan was worth your time, because they were good but not boring good. They were schadenfreude good.

This was an emphatic statement that no, you do not have to watch Michigan games against 30-point underdogs anymore. The method via which Michigan chooses to sit upon the opponent is literal. You will not get any whizbang long touchdowns. Every play will be a run that gains somewhere between four and twelve yards. The red hat will come on the field at some point for touchdown-commercial-kickoff-commercial because one Michigan drive ate up eight minutes of the quarter.

Variance has been banished. Players have been sat down for ever-more esoteric injuries because Michigan can throw out eight functional offensive linemen. Blake Corum's largest Heisman hurdle may be an inability to keep neutrals awake for his 28th carry of five or more yards.

It is all very relaxing, football as a Caribbean vacation. We are permitted to save up our panic for the terminator at the end of the schedule.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

bro [Patrick Barron]

you're the man now, dog

#1 The Offensive Line. Can't really give this to Corum when CJ Stokes, Tavierre Dunlap, and Isaiah Gash all got in and looked kinda like Blake Corum while continuing to brutalize the Nebraska defense. A couple of pass protection hiccups do not override what was probably the worst ass-kicking delivered to a conference opponent since the Big 2, Little 8 days.

#2 Mason Graham. A sack, another hit on the QB that caused an incompletion, a ridiculous split of a double team, and two other solo tackles as a DT, with limited snaps, against a team that couldn't stay on the field. That is a massive amount of impact. True freshman, somehow. Going to be incredible.

#3 Blake Corum. I mean… yeah. Do you know how hard it is to average 5.8 YPC with a long of 12? That's insane.

Honorable mention: CJ Stokes made the most of his eight carries, displaying a Higdon-like ability to get vertical and make good cuts. Mazi Smith and Kris Jenkins both whooped up on Nebraska DL. Andrel Anthony didn't do a whole lot but did rescue a touchdown. Ronnie Bell managed a bunch of yards even in this game.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

43: Blake Corum (#2 CSU, #2 Hawaii, HM UConn, #1 Maryland, #2 Iowa. HM Indiana, T2 PSU, #1 MSU, T1 Rutgers, #3 Nebraska)
23: The Offensive Line (#3 Iowa, #1 PSU, HM MSU, #3 Rutgers, #1 Nebraska)
21: JJ McCarthy (#1 Hawaii, #2 UConn, HM Maryland, HM Iowa, #3 Indiana, HM PSU, HM MSU. HM Rutgers)
17: Mike Morris (T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, #1 Iowa, T1 Indiana, #3 PSU, HM Rutgers), Ronnie Bell (HM CSU, HM Hawaii, #1 UConn, #2 Indiana, HM PSU, HM Nebraska)
15:  Kris Jenkins (#3 UConn, T3 Hawaii, HM Iowa, T1 Indiana, #2 MSU, HM Rutgers, HM Nebraska)
14: Mazi Smith (#1 CSU, T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, HM Iowa, HM MSU, HM Nebraska)
9: Donovan Edwards (HM Hawaii, T2 PSU, T1 Rutgers)
8: Mason Graham (HM Hawaii, HM Iowa, HM Indiana, #2 Nebraska)
7: Gemon Green (HM UConn, T2 Maryland, HM PSU)
5: DJ Turner (T2 Maryland), Junior Colson (#3 CSU, HM UConn, HM PSU), Luke Schoonmaker (T3 Maryland, HM Iowa, HM Indiana, HM MSU), Michael Barrett (#2 Rutgers).
4: Eyabi Okie (HM CSU, HM Iowa, T1 Indiana),  Jake Moody (HM PSU, #3 MSU).
3: Derrick Moore (HM CSU, T1 Indiana), Jaylen Harrell (HM CSU, T1 Indiana), Rod Moore (HM CSU, HM Indiana, HM MSU)
2: Roman Wilson (HM CSU, HM Hawaii), Max Bredeson (T3 Maryland), Joel Honigford (T3 Maryland), Mike Sainristil (HM Maryland, HM Indiana)
1: Braiden McGregor (HM CSU), Makari Paige (HM Hawaii), Rayshaun Benny (HM Hawaii), Cornelius Johnson (HM Hawaii), , AJ Henning (HM UConn), Caden Kolesar (HM UConn), RJ Moten (HM Maryland), Will Johnson (HM Rutgers), CJ Stokes (HM Nebraska), Andrel Anthony (HM Nebraska).

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

God, who can tell when every offensive play is a run somewhere between 4 and 12 yards? I don't know, you pick one.

Honorable mention: Ronnie Bell gets Michigan a Rube Goldberg touchdown. Mason Graham and Kenneth Grant flash next year stuff. More runs from between 4 and 12 yards.

?MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

Back to back attempted deep shots fall incomplete, mildly annoying people concerned about the outcome of this game and delivering a deep-seated paranoia to people focused on what happens against Ohio State.

Honorable mention: The other deep shots that fell incomplete. DJ Turner gets hit with a deep shot, see above about OSU paranoia. Officials blow a very obvious roughing the kicker penalty. Late half clock management is abominable.

10/15/2022 – Michigan 41, Penn State 17 – 7-0, 4-0 Big Ten

Yappiness varies by game when you're in the stands, and largely depends on what kind of opposition fans you get near you. I remember one particular Iowa game when seemingly everyone within earshot was giving the business to an oversized, corn-fed Hawkeye fan who the term "This Fuckin' Guy" was invented for. There is a 1000% chance that after the game he descended on the local message board and typed out a screed about how rude and terrible Michigan fans are. This is in total opposition to the rest of the Iowa fanbase, lovely people one and all, but sometimes you just get a guy. Not just a guy. A This Fuckin' Guy. A TFG. 

There was a Penn State TFG near me, and when Michigan broke Penn State's back with consecutive touchdown runs of 60+  yards he started loudly complaining about all the holding Michigan was getting away with. There were about three Michigan fans inclined to chirp back about how the scoreboard said Michigan many, Penn State considerably less (but not nearly as less as they deserved). They pointed out that Michigan had 300 rushing yards and counting, and that PSU had exactly three good plays all game.

They were correct. Also at various points all three of them had loudly complained about Michigan's playcalling in the game where Michigan had 300 rushing yards and counting. These fuckin' guys. Any neutral who happened to be within earshot learned everything they needed to know about the two participating fanbases in the course of about three minutes.

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As the teams headed to the locker room at halftime a similar scene unfolded in the tunnel.

Some halftime tunnel shenanigans happening. pic.twitter.com/FwxgXdO7jj

— Isaiah Hole (@isaiahhole) October 15, 2022

I imagine the Penn State roster's version of Jesse Pinkman started woofing something or other, and things descended from there until there was a generalized hooting, some pushing back-and-fourth, and the hurling of ineffectual but tasty projectiles.

Yesterday I found a few PB&Js squashed on the floor outside our locker room

I thought it was an unsuccessful attempt to sneak food to the sideline…

Turns out they had been thrown at our players during that… Jam up… in the tunnel 😂 pic.twitter.com/ViumYFYeRf

— Abigail O'Connor (@A_OConnorRD) October 16, 2022

Michigan came out to do the same things they were doing in the first half. Penn State hung on by a thread, just hoping to stay in contact. Once they fell out of striking range they flopped down on the ground, spent, and let Michigan run them over some more. What's one more tire track at that point? Maybe this one will make the whole thing look like a tribal tattoo.

This was eventually reminiscent of another Michigan-Penn State game in blog history, the one where Alan Branch made Anthony Morelli very flat. I went to that game, and winding through the hills in the aftermath of the game listening to the shell-shocked Penn State postgame show was an injection of pure schadenfredue. This quote from former PSU receiver Chafie Fields led the game column:

"If you put a pit bull in a ring with a chihuahua, don't expect the chihuahua to win."

Michigan also went to 7-0, 4-0 after that game. The main difference was the final score. Instead of the outrageous blowout Michigan put up Saturday, that game was 17-10. When you put Mechagodzilla in a ring with a chihuahua, sort of thing. Glancing up from the field to the increasingly outlandish scoreboard gave the observer a chill down the spine. The Pit Bull game was in 2006. Something else happened in 2006 that two fanbases are now barreling towards. If a train leaves Columbus at 100 miles an hour at the same time a train leaves Ann Arbor, what happens in the aftermath of their collision?

A few hurdles remain, but in Michigan's case they're a Michigan State program functionally entirely on transfers and spite and an Illinois team that is so far removed from success that they are merely surgent, no "re" involved. Focus up on the bye week, take MSU seriously but not literally, and toot toot all aboard for destination: carnage.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

"I should have transferred to Michigan" –Oluwatimi [Barron]

you're the man now, dog

#1 The Offensive Line. When you rush for 400 yards and two different backs go for a buck fifty and you're one ankle tackle away from sending CJ Stokes to the races as a third exclamation point, you get to be the KFaTAotW notwithstanding any attempts to grade you out like you're a Penn State OL that generated 35 yards on 12 carries for their backs.

#2(T) Blake Corum and Donovan Edwards. I imagine this one is relatively self-explanatory. Three points each.

#3 Mike Morris. Hard to pick out a defender based on raw numbers since snap counts were so low. Morris was Michigan's most consistently impactful defender, starting the game off with a Graham and Jenkins-assisted TFL on third and one, batting a pass down, registering a QB hurry, and nearly stuffing the fourth and goal PSU touchdown if he'd just gotten a little help.

Honorable mention: JJ McCarthy kept the offense moving and his legs were crucial even when not in direct use. Ronnie Bell didn't have a ton of yards but had a third and twelve conversion on which he had no business converting, and then he deployed Swag™. Nobody throws at Gemon Green anymore. Junior Colson put his nose in the right places. Jake Moody was 4/4 on field goals.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

27: Blake Corum (#2 CSU, #2 Hawaii, HM UConn, #1 Maryland, #2 Iowa. HM Indiana, T2 PSU)
19: JJ McCarthy (#1 Hawaii, #2 UConn, HM Maryland, HM Iowa, #3 Indiana, HM PSU)
16: Ronnie Bell (HM CSU, HM Hawaii, #1 UConn, #2 Indiana, HM PSU), Mike Morris (T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, #1 Iowa, T1 Indiana, #3 PSU)
12: Mazi Smith (#1 CSU, T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, HM Iowa)
11: The Offensive Line (#3 Iowa, #1 PSU)
8: Kris Jenkins (#3 UConn, T3 Hawaii, HM Iowa, T1 Indiana)
7: Gemon Green (HM UConn, T2 Maryland, HM PSU)
5: DJ Turner (T2 Maryland), Junior Colson (#3 CSU, HM UConn, HM PSU)
4: Eyabi Okie (HM CSU, HM Iowa, T1 Indiana), Luke Schoonmaker (T3 Maryland, HM Iowa, HM Indiana), Donovan Edwards (HM Hawaii, T2 PSU)
3:Derrick Moore (HM CSU, T1 Indiana), Jaylen Harrell (HM CSU, T1 Indiana), Mason Graham (HM Hawaii, HM Iowa, HM Indiana)
2: Roman Wilson (HM CSU, HM Hawaii), Max Bredeson (T3 Maryland), Joel Honigford (T3 Maryland), Mike Sainristil (HM Maryland, HM Indiana), Rod Moore (HM CSU, HM Indiana)
1: Braiden McGregor (HM CSU), Makari Paige (HM Hawaii), Rayshaun Benny (HM Hawaii), Cornelius Johnson (HM Hawaii), , AJ Henning (HM UConn), Caden Kolesar (HM UConn), RJ Moten (HM Maryland), Jake Moody (HM PSU).

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Corum puts what feels like the nail in the coffin one play after Edwards staked Michigan to a lead it would not relinquish.

Honorable mention: The Edwards thing. McCarthy hits Johnson on a 30-air-yard pass on a waggle rollout(!). Manny Diaz puts five in the box on third and long and gets what's coming to him. Michigan punches PSU off the field on third and one on their first drive, setting the train in motion.

?MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

An attempted pass to Corum in the flat goes bat-helmet doink-pick six, briefly staking Penn State to the most improbable lead in recent Michigan football history, give or take the 2008 Wisconsin game.

Honorable mention: Sean Clifford keeper goes for 60+, setting up Penn State for their other touchdown. McCarthy overthrows a likely touchdown on a Donovan Edwards screen. Clifford puts one right on the money to set up a go-ahead third quarter field goal.

10/8/2022 – Michigan 31, Indiana 10 – 6-0, 3-0 Big Ten

It was 10-10 and it was stupid. Like half the games against Indiana, it was stupid and dumb. At some point I saw a highlight from that Denard game against Indiana where IU would score on a 15-play march and then Denard would immediately run for a 70 yard touchdown. "God, that game was stupid," I thought. Flinging the ball in the general direction of Junior Hemingway and hoping something good would happen, sort of thing. Charting 120 defensive plays, sort of thing. Craig Roh playing linebacker, sort of thing.

Don't get me started about #chaosteam, or overtimes, or anything else. My IQ is already dropping precipitously. Any more exposure to Michigan-Indiana may render me unable to finish this column. (I would still be able to claim that MSU was defeated with dignity, if that was my purpose in life.)

I had hoped that a little JJ McCarthy-led mediation in the locker room would straighten things out. Michigan did suffer through a scary event when Mike Hart collapsed on the sideline. This is a completely valid reason you may not be executing football with military precision, even setting aside whatever dorfy bioweapon the Hoosiers perfected about ten years ago.

Those hopes seemed dashed when Michigan was inexplicably offsides on a short-yardage punt on which they didn't even bother to rush. A touchback turned into a punt downed at the two, and then Blake Corum committed a false start and Cornelius Johnson dropped something that was either a chunk play or a 96-yard touchdown. Johnson started hopping up and down near the sideline, veritably slobbering with self-rage. The slope downwards to black pits became very slippery.

JJ McCarthy said "namaste."

[Barron]

That is immediately after the Johnson drop. He's signaling to his receiver: it's fine, it's fine, we'll get them on the next snap. And then they did. Conversion to Ronnie Bell, drive on. McCarthy took off for a first down on third and seven and hit Andrel Anthony and when he got some pressure he rolled away from it and dropped the ball back to Johnson on a drag route that had picked off the Indiana defender. Twenty nine yards later, Michigan led 17-10 and the stupidity started receding.

It was like being alone in a room, certain that the shadows were growing suckers and winding themselves into tentacles, when someone flicked the light on.

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It is of course one thing to do this against Tom Allen's band of overmatched maniacs who pour forward at the snap when there's any indication of a run, and another to do it against top-end defenses, particularly top-end defenses that are not paired with the most disastrous act of nepotism in recorded history.

Michigan gets one this week in Penn State, which now stands out as the last hurdle before… uh… Illinois and Ohio State at the end of the season. It will probably be fine. You can say "just Indiana," but the tail end of this piece blockquotes this week's Best and Worst, which contains a comprehensive overview of just how maddening this series has been. McCarthy more or less turned that off—yes, interception—halfway through a game that was threatening to spiral out of control further, into something competitive.

In these moments breath gets short and vision restricts into a tunnel. In the game threads reason is overthrown and madness prevails. It takes something to grab those others back from the abyss. Maybe you look at the smiley face you've drawn on your hand, and think about eating one raisin with every ounce of your attention. And then you can see again and you hear something other than a single ominous tone.

JJ McCarthy seems like the guy who does that.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

"I should have transferred to Stanford" [Barron]

you're the man now, dog

#1(T) Mike Morris, Eyabi Okie, Derrick Moore, Jaylen Harrell and Kris Jenkins. The story of the defense was Conor Bazelak getting crushed every time he tried to throw downfield. Seven sacks in this one; this spot was almost everyone who racked one up but the linebackers had some issues and McGregor only got ten snaps so some cuts were made and Kris Jenkins was added because he registered a couple QB hurries.

Uh, two points each.

#2 Ronnie Bell. 11 catches, a couple of them spectacular. He stabbed a toe down on Michigan's first drive; he wrestled away an interception on a badly thrown ball; he was the target on the key third down conversion that led to the 98-yard touchdown drive. Also blocked like a mountain goat for much of the game, paving the way for the Schoonmaker touchdown.

#3 JJ McCarthy. Narrowly pips Corum because Michigan needed him to drive the field in the second half and he did, with only the occasional mistake. 8.4 YPA, 28/36. Got some help from his receivers but also saw Cornelius Johnson drop what could have been a very, very long play. Ran fairly effectively.

Honorable mention: Well, yeah, Blake Corum. Luke Schoonmaker is heavily utilized in the passing game. Rod Moore came up with an important interception that he kept off the ground. Mike Sainristil had two PBUs and one solo tackle, which is good cornerbackin'. Mason Graham obliterated an OL for a stuff and snuffed out a screen.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

24: Blake Corum (#2 CSU, #2 Hawaii, HM UConn, #1 Maryland, #2 Iowa. HM Indiana)
18: JJ McCarthy (#1 Hawaii, #2 UConn, HM Maryland, HM Iowa, #3 Indiana)
15: Ronnie Bell (HM CSU, HM Hawaii, #1 UConn, #2 Indiana)
13: Mike Morris (T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, #1 Iowa, T1 Indiana)
12: Mazi Smith (#1 CSU, T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, HM Iowa)
8: Kris Jenkins (#3 UConn, T3 Hawaii, HM Iowa, T1 Indiana)
6: Gemon Green (HM UConn, T2 Maryland),
5: DJ Turner (T2 Maryland)
4: Junior Colson (#3 CSU, HM UConn), Eyabi Okie (HM CSU, HM Iowa, T1 Indiana), Luke Schoonmaker (T3 Maryland, HM Iowa, HM Indiana)
3: The Offensive Line (#3 Iowa), Derrick Moore (HM CSU, T1 Indiana), Jaylen Harrell (HM CSU, T1 Indiana), Mason Graham (HM Hawaii, HM Iowa, HM Indiana)
2: Roman Wilson (HM CSU, HM Hawaii), Max Bredeson (T3 Maryland), Joel Honigford (T3 Maryland), Mike Sainristil (HM Maryland, HM Indiana), Rod Moore (HM CSU, HM Indiana)
1: Braiden McGregor (HM CSU), Makari Paige (HM Hawaii), Rayshaun Benny (HM Hawaii), Cornelius Johnson (HM Hawaii), Donovan Edwards (HM Hawaii), AJ Henning (HM UConn),  Caden Kolesar (HM UConn), RJ Moten (HM Maryland).

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Blake Corum is briefly inhabited by the spirit of Barry Sanders.

Michigan took the opening kickoff & moved the ball to midfield after 3 straight JJ completions.

On the first rush attempt, IU showed that they were gonna sell out on the rush with slants, scrapes, and aggressive safeties.

But Blake Corum is a sourcerer. pic.twitter.com/yQZgHzXuDP

— Due# (@JDue51) October 9, 2022

Honorable mention: Gus Johnson invokes Bill Raftery after another ankle-killer from Corum. Any of seven different sacks. Rod Moore pulls an INT off the carpet. Cornelius Johnson, Luke Schoonmaker, and Ronnie Bell turn in circus catches.

MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

Connor Bazelak throws a back-foot artillery round that parabolas its way into his receivers hands to set up the only Indiana touchdown. I will never not be mad that was a completion.

Honorable mention: Dubious PF on Harrell for celebrating a sack, dubious PI on Turner to continue the Indiana TD drive, Michigan gets a field goal blocked, back-to-back false starts. McCarthy throws a pick after a great play from the Indiana LB. Many tipped run plays.