Intro:

Let’s talk about something that’s been flabbergasting me - and probably all of us - since before the season began: how, in the name of all that’s unholy, did “Offensive” “Coordinator” “Brian” Ferentz, soon to be Just Brian Thanks, convince QBs Old Frenemy Cade McNamara and Deacon “The Deacon” Hill to come to Iowa?

The Deacon was a Wisconsin transfer after getting the very clear message that there wasn’t playing time to be had for the Fightin’ Fickells. He was apparently was drawn to Iowa by…one of their offensive analysts?? So when Ferentz The Younger called, it was basically a done deal already…since he…umm…wanted to play “for”…this analyst? I don’t get it.

Cade Cade’d himself. And got NIL’d. And Erick All’d. I get Erick All: if you’re a tight end and decide to burn your bridges with Michigan, Iowa is logical choice. For all the jokes and mocking and contempt for his recent performance as an OC, Brian Ferentz has a long history of developing NFL TEs. So I get that. I do NOT get Cade’s decision, not even with NIL. Coaches Ferentz don’t seem like the types to lean into Cade’s obvious revenge fantasies (it’s not tough to read between the lines about where his head is at), and even best case scenario had a very shaky OL and WR corps.

There isn’t a single thing about Iowa’s offense that makes sense, not even the recruiting. I know that recruiting is all about motivating high school and college kids to go places and do things which might be slightly more in your best interests than theirs… but dude, those QBs in that offense under that coaching staff?! We have to strongly consider the possibility that Brian Ferentz is the smoothest smooth-talker to ever smooth-talk in the history of smooth talking.

Week 11 Update

One-Sentence* Summary:

Here’s a fun fact: Iowa has not lost to Rutgers with Brian Ferentz as OC. Iowa won 22-0, Deacon “Happy Learned How to Putt Uh Oh” Hill increased his season’s passing total by almost 50%...and I refuse to describe this game any further. You know how Iowa wins games. It was a bloodbath.

I’ve called Greg Schiano “one of the best game planners in the conference.” Schiano agrees, and say what you like about the dude (believe me I will), self-esteem is not one of his issues. It doesn’t take conference-wide collaboration to figure out that Iowa’s offense has only two signs: 1) “not in the face!”, and 2) "not in the gonads!” But. The Iowa defense likewise has two signals: 1) “kick him in the crotch, dammit, the crotch!”, and 2) “if you let my football go now, that will be the end of it…”. Didn’t plan on that, did ya?

When it comes to Rutgers games, I always root for “hilarity ensues.” If that means that Michigan scores 78 points with the record-tying TD coming courtesy of our 3rd string fullback while Rutgers’ single TD gets called back on a penalty after the stadium has already celebrated, that’s what I root for. If it means that they need a furious 4th quarter comeback to beat a post-Tuck Michigan State team when Sparty’s win probability exceeded 98%, that’s what I root for. And if it means that a “Brian” Ferentz “offense” (already hobbling on a balsa-wood peg leg and a rough case of scurvy) puts up 400+ yards on a Greg Schiano defense for the Hawkeyes’ fourth consecutive win over Rutgers, then dammit that’s what I’m gonna root for.

Stop, Stop! He’s Already Dead

Another fun fact: this game had the lowest points line going in than any game prior to it: 27.5. Twenty-seven point five. TWENTY-SEVEN POINT FIVE! The lowest line in FBS history by 3 entire points.

And the two teams delivered on the under. Iowa outdid their season average, and, more amazingly, did it all on offense. Zero safeties  :*(

The previous records for lowest lines going into the games?

• 2023: Iowa at Northwestern, 30.5 (Result: under)
• 2023: Iowa vs. Minnesota, 30.5 (Result: under)
• 2023: Army vs. Air Force, 31.5 (Result: under)
• 2022: Iowa at Minnesota, 31.5 (Result: under)
• 2022: Iowa vs Kentucky, 31.5 (Result: under)

Oh, and Michigan State is still (again?) scoring even less than Iowa: 16.7 ppg.

Futility Rate

Zero 3-and-outs this game, 5 scores, and likely 10 points additional left on the field. Iowa got tired of signaling “not in the face!” and “not in the gonads!”, and rolled out a third sign on offense; it looked like a giant middle finger. Schiano must not have had the time to call Ryan Day to ask what that meant. It meant pain.

You know it’s a bad day when you look at Iowa’s offense and say to yourself “geez I wish my team had been that successful…” Rutgers fans had a bad day. I’m ok with that.

RB Receptions are Moneyball, Dammit

There were some passes to the RBs this game. They went forward. It’s hard to criticize only 26 RB receiving yards in the context of a 400-yard day, so I won’t. Just sayin’ that we have proof positive that Iowa RBs can catch. And run. Maybe they should do those two things together more often. Just sayin’.

I’ve decided that I’m going to (try to) find something besides “hurr why can’t anyone be Saquon Barkley” for this section. So, without further ado, let me clear my backlog of Donovan Edwards nicknames:

• Donovan “Probably Not Saquon Barkley” Edwards
• Donovan “You Gotta Earn Playing Time Before You Revolutionize The Position Dude” Edwards
• Donovan “Barkley Is Pulling Away and McCaffrey Is About To Lap You” Edwards
• Donovan “Should Probably Start Aiming at ‘Being Roman Hemby’ As A More Achievable Goal” Edwards
• Donovan “RB Shea Patterson” Edwards
• Donovan "Ebby Calvin ‘Nuke’ LaLoosh Except Football” Edwards
• Donovan “For All My Ribbing He Is Still The Third Most Productive Receiving RB In The Conference” Edwards

I honestly don’t know what else I’m going to find to talk about here. I’ve already done the Most Moneyball Trophy/Least Moneyball Trophy. Maybe I should debut the Saquon Barkley Awards? But right now, it’s “Roman Hemby” and “nobody” in a neck-and-neck race to win. Barkley was just so perfect as the platonic ideal of a modern B1G RB. So I reserve the right to change my mind and go right back to this schtick next week. Why can’t anyone be Saquon Barkley?

One-Phase Football

I guess blanking Rutgers isn’t as impressive as suffocating Penn State. Michigan maintains its #1 SP+ defense…and its #1 SP overall ranking!

That gap is shrinking, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. An SP+ Gap of 116 is barely Top 10 in history. It isn’t the largest gap in the past 10 years (hello 2020 Army with 119), and is only tied for the largest gap amongst Power 5 teams in the last 10 years (hello 2015 Missouri!).

USC, with a gap of 104, is making a serious play for an Inverse Iowa! Nebraska, also with a gap of 104, is going for an Iowa themselves. There can be only one!

Hey, It Could Be Worse

I had to check twice, but yes, Northwestern beat Wisconsin 24-10, raising their SP+ offense to a respectable…116th. When Northwestern scored a TD against Iowa last week, Iowa promptly lost their #1 SP+ defensive ranking. And now Northwestern scored more against Wisconsin (24) than Iowa scored against Wisconsin (15), and Wisconsin’s offense scored exactly the same number of points against Northwestern as Iowa’s (10).

The B1G West breaks the Transitive Property of Football on a weekly basis. I’m pretty sure that Iowa already had a transitive win over themselves via Purdue and Minnesota. Don’t try to make it make sense; embrace the chaos.