OT: Advice for young couples (actually, mostly for guy fans)

Submitted by StephenRKass on

This is way, way OT, and certainly irrelevant to many of you. I feel compelled to give some gentle advice that may be helpful to one or two of the readers here. The reason is the struggle I see in my own daughter's marriage, significantly caused by sports.

I myself have been a Michigan fan for many years, attending games when I can, making it out to several Rose Bowls, and watching Michigan football and basketball games whenever I can catch them. Oh, and obsessively reading mgoblog. So my daughter knows casual fandom.

My daughter was ok with this, and has even been to games with me. However, she didn't really know what she was getting into when she got married to a diehard sports fan. My son-in-law's life revolves around sports. He loves watching games all day Saturday and all day Sunday, along with whatever games are on TV Thursday, Sunday, and Monday night. And basketball games the others nights. He knows tons of stats for the NFL and NBA, and watches all things Green Bay, and goes to Bucks and Brewers games regularly. He watches the WWL, and follows several blogs. And his addiction to sports is breaking up their marriage.

I actually don't blame him:  I think my own daughter was clueless about what it meant to be married to an obsessive sports fan. I can't predict whether or not their marriage will last. Because following sports is so much part of his life, I don't think it is fair to ask him to change. But I also don't know that she is prepared to live life with someone whose every waking moment revolves around sports and cars.

My advice? Just make sure, if you are heavily addicted to sports, that your potential mate really understands how far your addiction goes. And that your mate either shares your addiction, or is fine with doing most things separately. Because if your partner expects to be doing different things with you on the weekends, and you expect your weekend to go mostly to following sports, there is going to be a problem.

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HermosaBlue

December 18th, 2015 at 10:13 AM ^

It's a constant negotiation. My wife and I agreed to a baseline of all M football games, with occasional exceptions for exceptional events, basketball and hockey as and when possible. Red Wings and Tigers...we go to and watch occasional games together and I watch the playoffs for both. Don't really care about the NBA any longer.

The Lions...whatever. I stopped watching Sundays as a trade for Saturdays and M football, and, even as a lifelong fan/sufferer of Lions football, I find I don't miss it at all. I tune in for the laughtrack/lowlights on Sunday nights and generally feel blessed I didn't waste my afternoon watching.

Everything else is case by case.



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boliver46

December 18th, 2015 at 12:32 PM ^

Sorry - but to blame the husband via a passive aggressive statement such as:

Just make sure, if you are heavily addicted to sports, that your potential mate really understands how far your addiction goes.

Is a cop-out. There is no way he could have hidden that desire to be a superfan throughout their courtship.  More likely, she saw how he was, and felt she could change him - and at least get him to tone it down a little.

The fact that she was unable to do so is not his problem.  He may be obsessed/addicted to sports, but blaming the dissolution of their marriage on something she knew going in, is complete bullshit.

I get that there are compromises in life, and especially in marriage - but I am pretty damn sure there are a LOT more problems in their marriage beyond his super-fandom.

And this guy above, I feel for you.  Sounds like your wife was able to get YOU to tone it down a bit.  I let my ex do the same to me.

#NeverAgain

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HermosaBlue

December 18th, 2015 at 12:56 PM ^

Not sure if this

"And this guy above, I feel for you. Sounds like your wife was able to get YOU to tone it down a bit. I let my ex do the same to me."

...was meant for me, but I realized I was watching sports qua sports, and having a wife (and now 3 kids) necessitated prioritization. I don't blame my wife for wanting me to spend time with her or my kids - I wanted to both spend time with family and watch the sports I care about.

My wife gets the M love - she graduated from UM same year I did - and she attends games with me about half the time, and goes out of her way to make it possible for me to continue to go to M games and watch them.

I chose the teams I cared about most (M, Wings, Tigers) and kinda let the rest go because I wasn't as invested in them as I was in my family. A regular season Pistons game means a helluva lot less to me than seeing my kids' soccer and basketball games, and swimming, cross country and track meets. I chose family over fandom and I don't regret it. I also don't begrudge people for choosing fandom over one's (ex-, or soon to be ex-) wife.

Priorities change in relationships as the relationships themselves change. We opt in or we opt out based on what matters to us.



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boliver46

December 18th, 2015 at 1:46 PM ^

This was meant for the poster above you.  My ^^ didn't align correctly.

The poster above you stated: 

Ever since I got married I only get to watch UM games regularly.

This statement (especially the "get to watch" part) speaks to what is wrong with relationships. Unwillingly giving up things that are important to you.  Your post spoke of a reasonable accomodation for a relationship that you were WILLING to give up - as priorities changed.

This other poster appears to have unwillingly given something up...whether through pressure, nagging, threats, whatever...which I am NOT ok with.

Sorry for the confusion. Here's an upvote for you. +1 Informative :)

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amphibious1

December 18th, 2015 at 2:30 PM ^

It is because we both chose to give up some things we used to do seperately in order to do more things as a family. I still get saturdays for 4 months so I can watch every UM football game. I catch UM basketball games when I get the chance. But NFL and NBA have taken a backseat to my wife and children. It's all give and take.

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boliver46

December 18th, 2015 at 2:33 PM ^

Thanks Wichitan for the jab about me being divorced.  Actually, that was more caused by the fact that I compromised TOO much, not that I was unwilling to do so.

"Oh, you need more alone time?"  Ok.  (compromise)

"Oh, you just 'happen' to have all guy friends?" Ok (compromise)

"Oh, you need 'girl time' on the weekend to go out?" Ok (compromise)

"Oh, you decided to sleep with one of your guy friends?" Not ok. (no compromise)

Glad you're happy though, and thanks for the judgement.

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StephenRKass

December 18th, 2015 at 2:45 PM ^

Wise statement, Bolivar. Compromise is key to a healthy marriage. But there are a couple of caveats.

First, compromise is usually a two way street. You each come part way. Typically, neither party gets exactly what they want.

Second, you need to have a clear understanding of your non-negotiables, where you really can't compromise. Sometimes, there are issues where you really need zero tolerance. Those non-negotiable issues are going to differ for different people. But often, substance abuse and violence are areas that can't easily be fixed, where you really can't compromise. Marital fidelity is another one for many people. Thankfully, my daughter isn't dealing with any of those issues.

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CaliUMfan

December 18th, 2015 at 3:27 PM ^

I was the same way BEFORE i got married. You have to understand that getting married implies comprimise. I didn't give up sports when I  got married but I gave up spending every day all day watching sports. My wife isn't a big sports fan but she didn't ask me to give up watching sports nor did she have to ask for anything at all. I watch Michigan, Packers, and Clippers just about whenever they are on (less so for the 82 game NBA) but willingly gave up the non essentials (meaning watching teams that don't hold my fandom) for the most part. If you aren't willing to comprimise, don't get married and if you spouse isn't willing to comprimise then you probably don't want to marry that person. 

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CrankThatDonovan

December 18th, 2015 at 3:54 PM ^

A good way to think about this is that there is a difference between compromise and accomodation.  With the first, both parties sacrifice something in order to come to an amicable understanding.  This is an important part of all relationships and is essential to resource management in general.  You prioritize the important things, and in exchange, give up some of the things that are less important to you.

Accommodation means that you give up what is most important to you in exchange for things that are less important.  This seems like compromise, but eventually, a person's inability to access the things that they deem most important will wear on them, so instead of an amicable understanding, you just push off the initial conflict (aka, the negotiation about each party's values) until later.  And when things build up, people eventually blow up.

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Hail-Storm

December 18th, 2015 at 1:23 PM ^

My watching of Michigan football is now delayed and watched on a recording. Rarely do I watch other games, and very rarely catch lions games.  Priorities change quite a bit. I'm sure that as they get older, this will rechange. I would add to the Kass' post that try to be flexible for both your marriage and kids as much as possible. 

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Cali Wolverine

December 18th, 2015 at 2:18 PM ^

...you get one or the other and the one you get is usually on tape delay for after you get back from the soccer or basketball game. Another advice for college football fans, don't get married in the fall...the doldrums of summer are a perfectly acceptable time of year...better than September.

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AndArst

August 7th, 2020 at 7:48 AM ^

I also think this is necessary because many people understand how important common interests are. For example, my father was able to find a date only on one of the dating sites for older people because there you can easily see each other's interests and understand whether you are suitable for each other or not. He found the same sports fan and now they go to events together.

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bokee88

December 18th, 2015 at 9:56 AM ^

I think this is good advice. While you are doling these gems out, can you help me with another situation? My wife is a Buckeye. Can you advise me on how to talk her into anal?



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